Third Party Candidate Request: One More Combined RNC/DNC Convention

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Washington, DC—The head of the Libertarian Party, Gary Johnson, is suggesting one more combined convention to kind of “clear the air a bit” and settle some important scores. “I think it’s really important to allow people to vent,” said Johnson. “When we had a disagreement back in the day, my father used to just let my brothers and I duke it out on the front lawn …with semi automatic weapons. It builds character.”

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Dolt-Fest 2016: A Week Covering Three Gross Misconceptions Or Chachi Loves Trumpy

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Holy crap! I tried to watch the Republican convention, operative word tried. It’s like that commercial, wherein no one wants to call the insurance guy, so they pretend to be doing chores. Oh, Christie’s speaking? I have to sharpen those pencils in the bottom drawer. I haven’t used a pencil since the Reagan years, but you never know. Oh, Ernst is on? I’m going to take out the garbage, or make some garbage so I can then take it out. I only made it ten seconds into Giuliani’s screech, before I was deciding which items in the freezer could be thrown out during McConnell. Who could forget Rudy Giuliani? …you know, the guy best known for wandering the streets on 9/11 (but only because he was stupid enough to put his command center in Tower Two). And when I say 9/11, I mean Benghazi. You may not be aware, but the country is still recovering from Benghazi. The GOP is like some Munchausen’s sufferer with a head injury. Stop dragging America into the emergency room, Republicans! I know it’s covered under Obamacare now, but it’s still a dick move. Every time I heard the word Benghazi, I went somewhere in my mind… to Benghazi actually, which seemed a much more stable place than the Republican National Convention.

Don’t worry, folks, I will cover the shit show on the left in my next article.

Melania Trump Denies Plagiarism Charge With String Of Borrowed Brainy Quotes

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Cleveland, OHMelania Trump attempted to explain allegations that parts of her speech at the RNC convention was plagiarized from an earlier Michelle Obama speech. Mrs. Trump told the press, “I am willing to look at what happened, because the unexamined life is not worth living.” She then went on to say, “The only thing to fear about plagiarism is plagiarism itself. A speech by any other name would sound as sweet. One small speech for man, one giant leap for mankind,” and finally, “Ask not what my husband can do for you, but what you can do for my husband.”

The GOP’s TrumpUPence? The Dynamic Dookie Heads For Cleveland

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I’ve been predicting the demise of the GOP for years, but is it inevitable? How do we shift toward more meaningful discourse? How do we bring the marginalized back into the conversation, you know, before they form the Christian Republican State In the South (CRSIS)? …with CRSIS comes opportunity? These racial divisions are symptoms of a greater illness. The paranoia and neurotic nationalism gripping our planet is the growing pangs of the inevitable shift toward globalization. Fear and bigotry are fueling this Brexitesque romanticism. We have one group struggling to muddle forward and the other scratching and clawing their way back into some cave. How do we embrace the future with nearly half our country is still swinging from the trees and thumping their chest at trespassers? Republicans in the Mist?

In Show Of Force Trump Executes VP Pick On Live Television

pencetrumpNew York, NY—During a press conference today, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump spent nearly a half an hour rambling on a wide range of topics, ranging from how talented he is to how untalented everyone else is. Finally, Trump got around to announcing his choice for Vice President, “World, I give you the next Vice President of the United States, the Governor of Indiana, Michael Pence! Oh, and Pence, you’re FIRED!” He then proceeded to pull out a Beretta M-9 out of his pocket and assassinated the Governor on live television. Trump explained his actions, “I don’t want what almost happened in Turkey to happen to me in Cleveland or beyond. These #NeverTrump peopleand I hate to call them peoplebut these folks have some bad ideas. They’re bad. I am not taking any shit, so read my lips, No New Feces. I am therefore nominating myself for Vice President of the United States. Who better than me to have my own back? It’s two for the price of one. It’s win-win.”

Botanist Discovers Trump’s Hair A Form Of Aquatic Chia-Pet

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Newark, NJ—Botanist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Grill, has announced his discovery today regarding the origins of presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump’s hair. Dr. Hogbein believes the hair follicles are actually a form of aquatic plant life in the anemone family. Dr. Hogbein explains, “I have strong evidence that Mr. Trump’s hair is in fact a genetically modified Diadumene lineata, or orange-striped sea anemone. Some time ago the body of the anemone was surgically planted beneath Mr. Trump’s skull. He apparently has plenty of tiny holes in his head through which the tentacles could then grow in a similar manner to the loveable Chia-Pet. This is why it looks so natural, except the color, and can be styled like natural hair. Unfortunately, if my hypothesis is correct, I estimate the anemone’s column, or main body, has grown to a point where there’s very little room left for any cerebral matter. This might explain Mr. Trump’s Tweets. Also, with the end of the digestive tract being under Mr. Trump’s scalp, well, it brings new meaning to the word shit for brains.”

Admiral General Aladeen Denies Being Vetted For Trump VP

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Wadiya—The Trump campaign is calling the rumor that the Butcher of Wadiya was ever considered a viable running mate, absurd. Whereas Trump admits he recently showered the Admiral General with praise, the Trump Campaign never considered him on the “short list” because he was born in another country, the UN wants him for war crimes, and he’s pro-choice.

Trump Leaves RNC Chair Locked In Hot Car With Windows Rolled Up

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New York, NYOnly days before the Republican National Convention, RNC Chair Reince Priebus, was left in one of Donald Trump’s limousines with the windows rolled up for nearly an hour. The incident occurred outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan in 78° plus heat. Mr. Priebus is considered in stable condition at this hour, well, as stable as any republican can be with their current frontrunner being Donald Trump.

Clinton Begs To Be Indicted Rather Than Face Dozens Of Server Hearings

clinton-busted1Dr. Zano here predicted Hillary would not be indicted, but only because 9 out of 10 attorneys and legal experts were saying an indictment was “highly unlikely.” Of course, Fox News has that one guy who thought otherwise on speed dial. By the way, this is a rebuttal to Pokey’s last feature, here. Was justice served? No idea, but I will say this: it was not the best of outcomes. The decision did not pave the way for a Sanders/Warren ticket, but it was damaging enough to make a President Trump all the more likely (gulp). I personally hate the Benghazi/email-server witch hunts, but only because I keep having to come up with different jokes to make the same miserable points. Flashback fav!

“If Benghazi was the real 9/11, then The Rutles started the British Invasion.”

Witch Hunt or Lying Cult? The Wheels Are Off The Clinton Machine

thI’m having trouble determining whether Zano and his Discordian cult truly believe that the whole Benghazi/email investigation is a matter of Republican witch hunting, or if they are willfully ignoring the obvious fact, that Hillary Clinton knowingly lied about the Benghazi attack and has purposefully destroyed subpoenaed information that would play unfavorably to her Presidential ambitions. My goal is for all reasonable people (Zano loosely qualifies) to acknowledge the obvious fact that Hillary Clinton lied, obstructed justice, and put our nation’s security at risk for her personal aspirations. If you still want to elect her president, so be it, but stop calling this a witch hunt and acknowledge reality. You can do this in spoof news form, if you must.

Not Again! Bill Clinton Follows Attorney General Into Ladies’ Room At Harrah’s

clintonrestroomMLLas Vegas, NVFormer President Bill Clinton is back in the news today after tracking down Attorney General Loretta Lynn at Harrah’s Casino in Vegas. According to witnesses, Lynch tried to duck away by entering the restroom, but Mr. Clinton followed her right in. Both are denying any wrongdoing. According to Lynch, Bill Clinton never mentioned his wife’s investigation, but rather the two talked about the smell, how they both prefer the Fremont area of Vegas, and the disturbing lack of urinals.