Study Finds Debating Table Lamp More Engaging Than Average Republican

Critical thinking on the right side of the political spectrum is officially dead. Elvis has left the Trump rally. The reactionary factless responses that define today’s political landscape now permeate every corner of the Twiright Zone. Thankfully, real evidence of the problem is surfacing, as a recent Oxford study supports my shift from a ‘Deplorable’ designation to an ‘Unreachable’ one. Facts can no longer penetrate the Trump supporters’ noggins, period. Neuropolitical studies continue to support my rather harsh assessment of our conservative friends’ adverse relationship to the truth. Of course, they would reply, Fake Science! According to this Fake Study, Trump supporters pass around more nonsense, or Foxal Matter, on social media platforms than any other group on the planet. As a result, our staunch evangelical friends can now only engage in debates with themselves. Mass debaters? Yep, its Oxford University vs the Glenn Beck Chalk-Sniffing Choir. Good luck with that.

DNA Test Confirms Scat Of The Elusive Bigfoot Discovered In Produce Section Of Safeway

Flagstaff, AZ—Team Search Truth Quest (STQ) believes they obtained irrefutable evidence of the existence of a hominid-like primate living in the produce section of a local Safeway. According to DNA testing, via STQ member Alex Bone’s iPhone app, the scat contains both human and primate DNA. Captain of STQ, Mick Zano, said, “This is like finding the Holy Grail inside the Arc of the Covenant inside of Bigfoot. Our findings prove Sasquatch is at least as real as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” The scat was found near the pre-made salads, which led the team to conclude Bigfoot is no longer chopping its own vegetables in the wild. The team of cryptid hunters told the Discord today that “this is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce.”

This Day In Future History: President Rubio Pressured Into Exhuming Hillary’s Body For 29th Benghazi Hearing

Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”

Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD

Tent CityUnder the new Trump budget, funding for the Department of Housing And Urban Development is being drastically cut. HUD Secretary Ben Carson told the press today, “We are still focusing on housing for the poor, but just not of the four-walls-one-roof variety. We will be moving toward a block grant model, which blocks the grants from poor people and shifts them to the rich. It’s all part of the president’s new Dooh Nibor initiative. Think about that one… But we are going to make sure the domicile-impaired get hooked up with some really good real estate people and financial advisors, for a fee of course. We want to help them sign onto a mortgage then our friends on Wall Street can step-in and work their repackaging magic. There’s also some concern about those folks who are homeless and suffer from addiction or mentally illness. I can assure you these folks will still be eligible for all the same supportive services, well, until the behavioral health cuts kick-in next month.”

After SpaceX Car Stunt, Elon Musk Found Hitchhiking On Santa Monica Freeway

Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”

A Frustrated Schiff Resolves To Scrawl Unreleased Dem Counter-Memo On Capitol Bathroom Wall

Washington—Congressman Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee is in hot water today after soap and hot water could not completely undo his recent permanent-marker handiwork. The rogue congressman allegedly leaked the Democratic rebuttal to the controversial Nunes-memo, in its entirety, in bathroom-graffiti form. President Trump, who recently vetoed the release of the memo, is reportedly furious with Schiff’s antics and vows to enact swift justice in the form of a barrage of admonishing presidential tweets #ForGetTheMemo.

Fox News Explains Recent Stock Market Slump: Now Available In Coloring Book And Scratch-N-Sniff

Dimension F—Sean Hannity of Fox News infamy was quick to blame the stock market’s recent 1600 point plunge on Donald Trump’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means the black guy. Hannity then proceeded to go on a lengthy rant about Obama’s terribly weak, no good economy, when he was actually referring to Obama’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means Incurious George (oh, and you can look up “incurious”, but by definition you probably won’t). Hannity finished his latest insightful segment with a special comment on how #Bear Markets Matter, which, as it turns out, is also bull.

Trump Books Justin Timberlake For Midterm Halftime Show

Tweet Tower—Against the advice of all of his advisors, President Trump has booked Justin Timberlake for a gala next January at Mar-a-Lago to celebrate his own administration’s halftime show. The move has drawn tripartisan criticism, which is a first, and even the stoically silent special investigator, Bob Mueller, has broken his silence and suggested the president go with Rihanna.

Google Earth Discovers Foundation Of Popular Drinking Establishment Under Existing Dive Bar

Brooklyn, NY—Thanks to advancements in Google Earth imagery, researchers examining the ancient New York bar scene have discovered a previously unknown Brooklyn watering hole. The foundation of this older establishment is much larger than the current business, Jake’s Shithole & Grub, located at the same address. Anthropubologists believe this earlier structure was built by post-McSorelian nomadic brewers many decades ago. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, told the Discord today, “For a pub archeologist, this is like finding the Holy Ale or the Beer of Destiny. This could help fill in entire gaps in the ancient pubcrawlic record. We may find clues about the period between rock and grunge, or post-disco and hip-hop, or even between Saturday afternoon and that incident I had at Chumley’s at last call. This amazing place, revealed by Google Earth, looked to be a hybrid of a pub and a club. This ‘plub’, as it were, housed both a giant dance floor as well as several regulation pool tables. And this is just the tip of the ice beer.”

Trump Stands By Decision To Gut Rail Safety Budget: “Who Takes The Fucking Train?”

Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”

Now Hiring For Director Of The Federal Bureau Of Investigation: Experience A Plus, But Not Required

Tweet TowerAccording to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Years Of Trump: Placed On Suicide Watch

Punxsutawney, PA Punxsutawney Phil is back in the news today and back on his medications. The famous Pennsylvania rodent is predicting six more years of Trump followed by a sharknado that will destroy civilization as we know it. Phil was recently diagnosed with a major depressive disorder with psychotic features, which may be playing a role in his darker than usual visions of the future. His vetritherapist claims the fluffy creature is still ‘with Hillary’ and remains a staunch liberal. This might explain Phil’s other dark predictions of an end to the UN, the FBI, the EPA, the FDA, the electoral college and parts of Rachel Maddow.

God Claims Responsibility For Derailment Of Train Carrying GOP Congress Members, Calling It “A Metaphor”

Crozet, VAGod has claimed responsibility for the derailment of a train carrying a number of Republican congressman outside of the small town of Crozet, Virginia earlier today. God stated that the attack was a response to last night’s State of the Union address. His or Her Holiness told the U.S. press today, “Do not follow this false prophet! Trump talked for friggin’-ever last night and then the Democrats got their turn to respond after his speech, so what about me? Why can’t the Supreme Being get a word in edgewise? Well, I’m done with this shit. Trump does not speak for me, hell, without a teleprompter that ass-clown can’t speak at all!”

Air Fries One? Trump’s New Self Serve Kiosk Costs Tax Payers Over Ten McMillion

The Friendly Skies—Another campaign promise was fulfilled today, a promise being hailed as a ‘special one’ to the chief. President Trump told the press, “I deserve a break today. Sometimes it’s a long flight between my hotel and my other hotel with the golf course, not to mention that place we all went last month, Camp Donald. Today, finally, I can get all my favorite meals, made fresh, whenever I want. Screw those little peanut packets that you losers get on the way to New Zealand. Me, I’m lovin’ it! Trust me, a Happy Meal makes for a happy flight …except they switched the toy to those Yo-kai Watch things. Damned Japs. You want to see time fly? I’m going to throw this foreign piece of shit out of the window at 30,000 feet. Year two of my administration I intend to make Happy Meals great again!”

The Kristol Ship: Can’t The GOP Just Get Back To Unnecessary Wars And Tanking The Economy?

Regardless of one’s political affiliation, it’s hard to dislike William Kristol of Weekly Standard fame. He, if nothing else, represents a rare voice of reason for the conservative movement. He’s always proven wrong, but he’s at least a seemingly informed know-nothing. Not surprising, Kristol is showing some buyer’s remorse amidst the new political wasteland that he and his ilk helped foment. In a recent article, he said, “Disenthrallment is not disdain. Thinking anew does not mean thinking as a progressive.” This can be roughly translated as, “With a Republican super-majority, thus in our darkest hour, we must resist the urge to turn toward anything remotely sensible.” Well, there goes the last of the Republican intelligentsia and good riddance. The Brigade will advance! Trumpeter, walk …march!”

—Charge of the Right Brigade