How can I, a limited government constitutionalist, support Donald Trump? Especially when at times he seems to akin to an unlimited government Mussolinist? Fair question. Lets first recall my political philosophy and contrast that with the political philosophy of Progressivism. As Zano would say, don’t worry, with jokes! Let’s start with my view that the Constitution is a simple document with a simple message, namely, all individuals are granted certain rights and those individuals set up limited government to protect those rights. Thus the Bill of Rights (for individuals) begins the Constitution, and the 10th Amendment clarifies how powers not specifically granted to the federal government shall fall to the state government, local government, and individuals. There is a beautiful simplicity in this constitutional philosophy. But Progressives don’t dig simplicity, do they? Libs are constantly telling us how complicated the issues are, and therefore we simple folk must relinquish our simple rights to the evolved expert elites in order to solve the very complicated issues of our day.
Assange Man Cave Manor—Julian Assange, best known for playing Eric Snowden in the after-school special Whistleblower, is totally cut off from the outside world. Desperate, he has resorted to finger puppets to relay the evils of all things Hillary. Incidentally, that is the title of episode 2 of the after-school special Whistleblower.
Assange admits finger puppets were not his first idea. “Initially I wanted to go with a charade-like version of the board game Clue. I wanted people to guess the next WikiDump. You know, like Clinton Staffer at the Trump rally with the led pipe, or Former President on the tarmac with the Attorney General. I just wrestled with the logistics and eventually felt the whole thing was somewhat demeaning to my cause. Then it hit me, finger puppets!”
Trump Tower—The Trump campaign released several images today suggesting Hillary Clinton is increasingly using a body double during many of her public appearances while stomping on the campaign trail. “This is obviously an imposter,” said Trump. “The woman in these images looks much younger. Much younger. I would actually bang that one. It’s not even close. Not even close. This shows that Hillary is low energy. She’s still sick in bed and can’t even find a good makeup person to create a wrinkled old bag like herself. It’s sad. It’s sad.”
Trump Tower—Donald Trump expressed his extreme disgust with the current Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. Trump feels betrayed by the republican establishment and is taking his ire out on one of the latest defectors in a series of vicious Tweets. The latest Tweet threatens to add Mr. Ryan to his growing drone strike list. Mr. Trump was asked about the legality of assassinating an American on American soil without due process, and The Donald replied, “I will import some soil from Mexico and when he’s standing on it, then I’ll give the order. Besides, executive orders mean I can do what I want. It’s right in the Constitution, blessed are the executive orders, or something. All the presidents have used them. Libs tend do good things with them and republicans tend to do bad things and I am running as a republican, so do the math.”
Let’s marry my ongoing GOP-ineptitude narrative with my research on cognitive distortions. Don’t worry, with jokes! The cognitive pitfall of all cognitive pitfalls is actually (drum roll) …normalcy bias! This particular distortion will play a role in November as well as our collective demise. You see, Republicans are like terrorists in that they only have to get this electoral college shit right once. I’m predicting that if Republicans do return to the White House, normalcy bias will be the vehicle that drives them there. The upcoming election and every election cycle hence will equate to one hell of a Russian roulette-style drinking game. Putin on the Schlitz? No matter how well liberal administrations limp this country along, or even manage to emulate a thriving economy, one day soon our electorate will decide to to peek behind door number two. Hint: #2 is a euphemism for poopy.
Secret Moon Base—The Evil Villain Injustice League, which also spells evil, has convened on Dr. Evil’s Secret Moon Base to discuss their growing disdain for one Donald Trump. The criminal masterminds in attendance believe Mr. Trump has alienated a group of his staunchest supporters. They are now challenging the Republican nominee to Grab This Pussy. Dr. Evil explains, “It occurred to me after I thought about that old commercial with Robert Conrad. The one where he has a battery on his shoulder and he dares the audience to knock it off. My idea is kind of like that, except with death rays. Trump had our support, but he has sharted all over the same people funding his presidential aspirations. You didn’t really think he funded his whole campaign, did you? He needs to start playing to his base …his evil moon base. He didn’t only look the gift horse in the mouth, he humped the frickin’ thing right in front of us. Like that chair at the debate. Was that chair cleaned or destroyed? The people have a right to know.”
Clay County Florida—After rescuing a bald eagle wedged in a car grille, the Clay County Sheriff’s office is now admitting the bird was actually just hiding there to avoid the 2nd presidential debate. Sheriff Roscoe P. Justice explains, “We know the bird was uninjured when we found her, which we initially attributed to luck, but that changed quickly. We knew something was up when we freed the bird entirely, but it still didn’t want to come out.” According to several witnesses from the Sheriff’s department, the storm-drove-the-bird-into-the-car theory started to unravel after the eagle became agitated while officers were playing the debate. “The thing went nuts every time either candidate spoke,” said Deputy Droopy Fife. “I have never seen anything like it, well, except for that time a marlin jumped into a fishing boat just to avoid the Oscars. In the marlin’s defense, it was Neil Patrick Harris.”
Trump Tower—The Trump campaign could not be happier as they attempt to spin their bad week into something decidedly more positive. Donald Trump explains, “During the John Kerry presidential run in, uh, back several years ago, Republicans had to find a number of people to lie about his war record. They made up a bunch of shit that helped get Bush elected. It worked, it worked. Now I don’t have to wait around just to get caught off guard. I’m out in front on this one. I just swiftboated myself with my own mouth. And why not? I don’t need people swiftboating for me, like Kerry. Weak, it was weak. I don’t outsource that shit. I took the initiative and pulled this off with numero uno, all while stepping in numero deuco. That’s called multi-tasking. I guess you can say I swiftly self-shitboated myself. Yeah, take that Trumped-up trickle down, bitch.”
Dear David Frum, start a new party, sincerely Reality. To take a page from Trump, how about some 2nd Amendment options? I think your party needs to be taken out back and shot. There used to be a counterpart to liberal excesses. Back in the day, I would even talk about the sane Republicans like George Will, Andrew Sullivan, David Frum and Damon Linker. Today, it’s kind of a last man standing thing. All but Frum left the GOP (with prejudice). Mr. Frum understands why George Will recently called it quits and yet he remains bent on reforming this seemingly hopeless party. After watching the VP debate, your alternate reality is complete. You have a megalomaniacal ass-clown as your nominee and an evangelical reality-denier VP, who “won” the debate by denying everything his boss said. Nothing to see here. When it came to foreign policy questions, Pence’s views are beyond historical revisionism; it’s historical negationism. Your party is like watching the Aytollaha at the Holocaust Museum or Senator James “Snowball” Inhofe at Glacier National Park. Can I make a citizens arrest on an entire political party? Pull over to the curb, hands where I can see them (bang). Oops, I thought your Bible was loaded. Sorry, no indictment. The NRA bumper sticker was probable cause.