Trump Orders Minted Summit Coins Dropped Over Pyongyang From 30,000 Feet

Tweet Tower—In a move many are calling predictable, President Donald Trump has ordered his Department of Defense to drop the one million newly minted NK/USA June summit commemorative coins over the most populated areas of North Korea. This news comes today shortly after negotiations regarding the tentative Singapore summit between the two nations officially broke down. If this were not childish enough, the U.S. military has been instructed to make farting sounds as they fly over the North Korean peninsula. Donald Trump has also ordered his Justice Department to fully investigate the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, because he “still wants one.” When the president was told the Nobel Committee is housed in Norway, the Trump Administration immediately placed stiff sanctions on the country and imposed crushing tariffs on all Scandinavian imports.

Trump’s Own Travel-Ban Prohibits Him From Attending Upcoming Summit With North Korea

Tweet Tower—Sometimes it pays to read one’s own fine print. President Trump is working feverishly to salvage the upcoming summit between himself and the Supreme Commander of North Korea, Kim Jong Un. Today the plot has officially thickened. Due to a provision of his own travel ban, the president can not fly to the tentative location of the summit in Singapore. Primarily the travel ban prohibits anyone from flying into the U.S. from seven specific Muslim countries. On the last page of the document, however, the president went on a bit of an unscripted rant. He added what he called a Trumpmendment which also prohibits the following groups from flying at all: socialists, kids named after places (like Dakota or Cheyenne), and anyone the DOJ or the DHS considers an ass-clown. Today, the Department of Homeland Security has confirmed that the president is a world class ass-clown and needs to stick to the lower-48 until the people over at Ringling Brothers can release their final report.

So Don’t Be Sad, As For Crisis, Conflict & Collapse, 2 Out Of 3 Ain’t Bad

Catastrophes are looming, so the rightwing distraction machine shifts into overdrive. What exactly are they trying to hide? Drumpf’s first trimester will bring a constitutional crisis, an unnecessary war, and/or an economic collapse (two for three, or your security back!). Dubya started with an unnecessary war that resulted in a constitutional crisis. Then, during Bush’s second trimester, he triggered the worst global event since the series finale of Glee. You might not remember the constitutional crisis part, because Obama was complicit in the torture scandal cover up. Make no mistake, the emergence of Pompeo and Haspel into positions of power highlights this blatant failure to clean up Dodge. Thanks, Obama, I thought this was America! I almost miss that… It looks like Trump will start with a constitutional crisis followed by an unnecessary war. He’s planning to save the economic cherry on his shit sundae for last. But it’s going to be a great depression! The best depression! #ApocolypseDOW?

Trump’s Acknowledgement Of The Russia Probe’s One Year Anniversary Questioned

FBI Headquarters—In honor of the Russia investigation turning one year old this week, Donald Trump sent the Special Counsel a birthday cake. The cake arrived at FBI headquarters Attention: Robert Mueller with a short handwritten note from the president. Fine, it was a tweet someone transcribed. The event confused the House Intelligence chairman, Devin Nunes, who doesn’t know which leak is up. He immediately called the move an “obstruction of frosting,” before leaking the recipe back to the Feds. A Trump tweet shortly followed from the president: “Hey, Nunes, wait for my lead! #Numbnuts.”

Fertility Rates Slide Further After Trump Nude Pic Leaked

Tweet Tower—A new study from Trump University’s Center for Covering Up Public Affairs is showing a steep decline in fertility rates after the above nude image of the president surfaced on PinInstatweet. The inventor of the world wide web, Al Gore, said, “The release of this picture onto my precious inter-web actually broke the main pixilator, you know, the fuzzy spot generator thingie that hides all the naughty bits. So now all uploaded images will just show naked people until we can resolve this issue.”

Actor George Hamilton Converted Into Leather Recliner And Sold On eBay

Hollywood, CA—Actor George Hamilton was sold on eBay today for $895 after the ‘tannequin’ was converted into a leather recliner by the folks over at La-Z-Boy. There is still some controversy surrounding the event as even those closest to Mr. Hamilton are questioning whether this move was voluntary, involuntary, or just the “natural progression” of things.

Trump’s New Jerusalem Embassy & Casino Raises Eyebrows

Jerusalem, IL or PS?—President Trump is back in the spotlight after the unveiling of his new controversial embassy and casino in old-town Jerusalem. This marks the first embassy to have a casino, seven bars, 3080 rooms, an Olympic-sized pool, and gold toilets. Not only is the move stoking resentment from Palestinians, it has already triggered a lawsuit from Embassy Suites, who claim the name is copyrighted.

Hawaiian Government Files Lawsuit Against Pele, Goddess Of Fire

Big Island, HI—As thousands of residents flee their homes on Hawaii’s Big Island, state officials are moving to legal action. Hawaii has filed a class action lawsuit against the suspected culprit, Pele, the Goddess of Fire from their mythological pantheon. Many believe she is behind the recent array of unwarranted magma and earthquakes. Hawaii Civil Defense has come to a different conclusion. They report giant boulders being tossed around, massive ash plumes, toxic gases and dangerous lava flows that may have originated from a badly monitored luau.

Active Collusion Triggered The Russia Probe And Active Delusion Triggered The Counter-Narrative

In my blogvesary’s last article he offered timelines, fingerprints, tire tracks, 27 8×10 color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and DNA evidence to add to his mounting evidence that the FBI worked with the Clintons to create an ‘insurance policy’ to dethrone Trump, should ‘Murica ever be reckless enough to elect the ass-clown. Based on mounting evidence, this important ezine has sided with the Russia/collusion narrative and the work of the special counsel. Mr. McDooris’ last post posed only one key question: what was the specific evidence that triggered these dueling narratives? Admittedly, I spaced it …again. Shock Poll: No One Shocked By This. Fine, it was the result of a spontaneous protest triggered by a hateful anti-Muslim video that… oh, sorry, miles away. 

Taking A Page From Comey: Zano’s “Grossly Negligent” Article Was Changed To “Extremely Incompetent”

This is in response to Zano’s last political brain fart. When I speak of “objective facts” it is in the context of how a narrative is developed. Coincidently, the purpose of my argument is not to necessarily establish the truth or falseness of a particular narrative, but to establish the “where, why, and how” the narrative was created. Some narratives are built upon the accumulation of facts, while other narratives are first created (independent of fact) and then facts are sought to support the already accepted narrative. I believe the main media covered scandal: Trump conspired with the Russians to steal the 2016 election is an attempt to support an accepted narrative. Meanwhile, Officials in the FBI and DOJ used their positions to shield Hillary Clinton from indictment is a scandal based on objective facts. After the election these same officials used their positions to delegitimize the Trump presidency.

Trump’s Moscow Maid Killed By Nerve Agent While Falling From Ritz Roof

Moscow, RU—The maid at the Moscow Ritz Carlton responsible for cleaning Trump’s room the morning after his infamous ‘golden envoy’ incident has died under mysterious circumstances. The hotel employee of seven years is believed to have reached out to Special Counsel Robert Mueller last week in an email. Shortly thereafter she was exposed to a deadly nerve agent and apparently fell from the hotel’s top floor. Moscow City Police have labeled the death, ‘Meh’.

Ferris Mueller’s Way Off

My last article promised ‘objective facts’ on the Russia probe and, as my blogvesary rightly pointed out, I failed to deliver. After a couple of brewskis and pizza, my intro-rant became the length of a typical feature. Wit happens. Whereas bashing the Republican mindset is an important pastime of mine. Collecting and explaining endless facts in a post-truth world is listing heavily toward the vain side of futile. How do we review all of Mueller’s 49 topics of inquiry as broke by the NYTs last leak? On a related note, I started this post 49 times myself, but this is an ever-changing subject …or is it ‘target’ now? Who can keep up with Trump’s misdeeds and antics? Who would want to? Will Mueller or Stormy’s lawyer takedown ass-clown first? My fellow blogger has the solution: just ignore reality and infuse more Hannity. Essential boils? But, hey, if this Discord article doesn’t arrive at your door, hot, steamy and loaded with ‘objective facts’, it’s free! …and probably means I’m loaded myself. Obstruction of Drunkness?

This Day In Future History: Giuliani’s Lawyer’s Lawyer Hires Lawyer

Tweet Tower—With the news that Rudy Giuliani’s own lawyer has placed a retainer for his own lawyer, essentially Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer now has a lawyer. We’re not really sure. The Discord has posed the question to both Sir Richard Dawkins and that Asian guy with the white wavy hair, but to no avail. Our own mathematical guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, agreed to take a stab at it: “This answer lies somewhere in the realm of polyattorneyal theoretical mathematics, and if this need derived from the Stormy Daniels’ situation, it would also be considered a sexponential number, like 69.”

Flagstaff’s Department Of Transportation: “Unsure If They Can F-Up Traffic Patterns Further”

Flagstaff, AZ—The Arizona Department of Transportation announced the fact they are completely out of orange cones, orange barrels and detour signs. Apparently, Walmart is even out of orange spray paint as well. They would like to order more, but there is fear the department’s own workers would become unable to make it to the various construction sites dotting the surrounding downtown area.

Perverse Reversement? “Of Course I Didn’t Spend Night At Moscow Ritz, The Sheets Were Covered In Pee!”

Tweet Tower—Lawyers everywhere, even many who do not represent the president in any way, are begging him to stop rallying, tweeting or even speaking. The controversial Steele Dossier alleges Donald Trump paid high-end Russian hookers to pee on one another at the Ritz Carlton in Moscow back in 2013. President Trump has now changed his story about the incident a third time, regarding his length of stay at the infamous hotel.

White House Website Briefly Posts Photoshopped Image Of Trump Attending Bush Funeral

Houston, TX—President Trump did not attend the funeral of Barbara Bush last week at St. Martin’s Episcopal Church in Houston. Despite this fact, the above image appeared on the White House website for several hours before it was suddenly removed and made into an origami giraffe. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) said, “This is a new low for President Trump. Kidding. The president is not standing next to his wife, which is the only aspect of the image that lends it some credibility. Can someone Photoshop him out of the White House, please? That would be great. Better yet, I want to be Photoshopped into a picture at his funeral. Kidding. I don’t even want that. The origami giraffe part sounds nice, though.”

Spooks vs Kooks: My Money Is On The Community With The Word ‘Intelligence’ In It

Since my blogvesary only gets his information from Alex Jones’s more conservative uncle, his last article demands more details on the Russia probe. “Objective facts! And only objective facts!” will do, because, as a Benghazi survivor himself, he wants only the straight dope. My Discord diatribes are apparently becoming too opiniony for his keen scientific sensibilities. Fine, but first I have two questions for Mr. McDooris: 1. How do you jump over a gazillion Trump/Russia mistruths without straining anything? and, 2. Does this qualify you for the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo?

Terminator Sent Back To 1787 To Kill Electoral College

Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”