Virtual Shark Speaks Out for First Time After Phelps-Shark Race Debacle

Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”

Everything You Wanted To Know About ‘Unmasking’ But Were Afraid To Disclose The Name

As our Republic drifts ever closer to a full constitutional crisis, leave it to the deplorables to Activate form of Diversion. In a slew of  recent ‘Opening Guanologues’, Sean Hannity has demanded that Congress “put an end to this Mueller witch hunt!” Really, Sir Liesalot? Fast and Incurious? Fox and Frauds are opting out of covering Ass-Clown’s demise and are instead shifting focus to the former Attorney General, Susan Rice (among other things). They would like her to hang for her ‘unmasking’ of some Trump campaigners on the lead up to the election. You may remember these unmasked Trumpsters as the same people currently perjurying themselves all over the White House carpets—the same people who were and are under an FBI investigation. So the Attorney General’s interest was not only warranted, but required. Full disclosure, I too am under an FBI investigation, but only because of my Nuke Sean Hannity website, which aims to reduce global fissile material, one Fox News anchor at a time.

[Click read more for the full scandal spoiler alert]

Chicken & Waffling? Trump Rolls Back Threat To Nuke Chicken Currently Stalking White House

Tweet Tower—President Trump ordered the giant chicken parked near the White House to “stand down, or risk a tweet and profanity storm not seen on this planet since Monday.” The chicken appears to be unfazed by the president’s threats and continues to loom menacingly nearby. Secretary of Defense General James Mattis told the Discord, “This situation is contained, so there is no nuclear option on the table. I believe the president was referring to a microwavable chicken nugget and a picnic table.” General Mattis later added, “This President is not a chicken hawk, but I’ll admit his comments are rather half-baked, and you should really try to avoid that with chicken. Speaking of which, if you can get salmonella from a chicken, why can’t you get chicken pox from a salmon? That always bothered me.”

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Spotted In Sam’s Club Buying Indictments In Bulk

Rockville, MDSpecial Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”

Lego Releases New Mar-a-Lego Trump Box Set

Lego Tower—President Trump and LEGO have joined forces to make American childhoods great again. Building enthusiasts of all ages will enjoy this new posh LEGO construction set. Rebuild what Trump built and feel the power and prestige of owning your own resort at Mar-a-Lego. Throw wild parties, drink a lot, gamble, play golf, grab female minifigures by the pussy (pussy accessory element sold separately). The Mar-a-Lego Resort is just the first of a series of Lego-Trump building sets. In 2018 LEGO plans to release the Trump Tower box set as well as the Trump Impeachment Hearings building set.

Three Men & A Baby: Does This Military Trio Grande Mark A New Beginning Or Bedtime For Bozo?

Tweet Tower—With the addition of General Kelly as Chief of Staff there is now an established adult faction in the White House, but will it be enough to reign in President Ass-Clown Hitler? If these three Generals band together, they will have a considerable voice in this administration, but will it be enough to drown out the voices in the president’s head? This advice comes with a military skew, which is not ideal, but this trifecta clearly represents a new and final hope for the Trump Administration. Can this president’s inherent stupidity be controlled for any length of time? Will it even matter if the Mueller investigation bears any fruit? Speaking of which, this left/right scandal thing is never fair. When a rightwing scandal surfaces, liberals can never ask what did they know and when did they know it? because Republicans never know anything. Sad. Bigly.

Affirmative Action Program Replaced With Infirmative Inaction

Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”

Hospital Where Senator McCain Received Cancer Treatment Admits To Implanting Healthcare Info Chip

Phoenix, AZ—After Republicans failed again to pass their coveted Freedom from Healthcare Act, new revelations have surfaced suggesting liberal health-hackers have hijacked Senator John McCain’s brain. Several credible sources are claiming an implanted chip was discovered underneath the Senator’s recent surgery scar. The data on this chip is believed to have been uploaded directly into the Senator’s brain. The NYTs believes the content of the chip includes several Affordable Care Act infomercials as well as all six seasons of Glee. The recipient of this insidious technology would hear these messages playing out in an endless loop, subliminally and/or in Blu-Ray.

The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time

The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression) will continue to play out as the Republican dream dies a painful death. The problem? As long as the Breitbarts, Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world perpetuate the GOP’s ignorance, the final stage, Acceptance, will never be realized. That’s the way the conservative cookie crumbles.

[Fudge stars and stripes joke removed by the editor]

Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid

Tweet TowerAt the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”