Narcissism: I’m Doing It Right

narcissismTrumpMLIn the 21st century, the ‘Me’ generation is clearly pitted against our sociopathic CEOs and politicians. Yikes. Who does one root for in this egocentric Drudge match? It’s like watching Katy Perry and Russell Brand at a couples retreat in Aleppo, during an airstrike. Today, citizens across the political spectrum are constantly attempting to out-douche one another. If you’re the CEO of a company, you’re sick of all the entitled attitudes. After all, you earned that 100K bonus this quarter by gutting employee benefits. The rise of the ego is increasingly present in the workplace from entry level to executive management, but there are clear differences between liberal narcissism and the republican version. I’m quick to cover conservative shortcomings, but in some ways the liberal flavor is equally skewed. Think about it, libs want to end hunger, obtain world peace, while maintaining a clean ecosystem. The problem in lies how they want to accomplish these feats (via their mad Del Taco, deep-fry skills?). I see the increasing plight of both the CEO and the Sander’s supporter. It’s unscrupulous vs unconscious. It’s tough to pick sides when it’s Sunni vs Shiite. We are better than this, people! Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team America’ …except that one.
*Huffington Post just released an article on narcissism right before mine. Bastards! Of course, Mine is better but that sounds a little…

The DEA Is A Rogue Agency: Which Sadly Has Nothing To Do With X-Men


Here’s a homework assignment for those disenfranchised Sanders supporters among us. Besides learning how to count delegates correctly, I want you all to direct your youthful angst toward a certain government agency. It’s called the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are the ones shooting your dog and arresting your loved ones for harmless substances. Crack lives matter! Look, even I do retractions and I am just a spoof news satirist, which I believe means I worship Clown Satan (sorry, I never studied). So who is the 2016 Gold Medal winner for lack of retractions? You guessed it, the DEA. After five years of legal proceedings, marijuana will remain a Schedule 1 substance. Ballistic does not begin to capture the adjectives swirling around my head right now, so let’s add the DEA to the coveted Hall Of Things That No Longer Serve A Purpose. Recap: you lost the War on Drugs, badly, and now let’s add your stunning loss to the War on Reason. They should be part of John Oliver’s How Is This Still A Thing?

Trump Now Calling His ‘Obama Founder of ISIS’ Comment ‘A Pun’


Youngstown, OHDuring a key foreign policy speech this week, presumptive republican nominee Donald Trump referred to the sitting president as the “founder of ISIS”. Initially Mr. Trump defended his statement as did many prominent republicans familiar with the delusional arts. The Donald then changed tact by downgrading his remarks to a form of sarcasm. When it was explained how sarcasm implies wit or irony and that his statement was neither, Mr. Trump replied, “I meant a pun. It’s a Yuuge pun! Or what’s it called when a word is spelled the same way backward?” Mr. Trump was then explained that the palindrome for ISIS is SISI, which is not particular funny and somewhat plagiaristic.

Driving Miss Crazy: Will Trump Trigger GOP Reform Or Is This An Extinction Level Event?

Sorry Republicans, but the DNC was a fairly impressive display. It delivered what the RNC never could, complete sentences. It was a shame how Putin and friends stole the libs mojo right before Act 1. Cossack Thunder? Oh, and I saw my first Hillary bumper sticker the other day! It was on the back of a limo, followed by a fleet of other limos …in Philadelphia …during the convention. Well, at least Hillary is ready for Hillary. One down, 57 million to go! I’d say she has two votes in the bag, but Bill always cheats when you leave him alone for five minutes. Proposition 69? If The GOP continues to get worse at math, maybe she can win the presidency with fewer electoral college votes. We’ll just tell Donald it’s like golf, the lowest score wins. No matter what happens in November, I remain proud of our current President. I know a lot of folks will be glad to see the Obamas go, but eventually you will come to realize how the highest office in the land demands a thoughtful/intelligent person. Kidding, Republicans are to realization as Cthulhu is to mindfulness.

Trump Has Transformed Politics, But Into What?

Stage hands prepare for the South Carolina Republican presidential candidates debate in Myrtle Beach January 16, 2012. REUTERS/Jason Reed (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS ELECTIONS) - RTR2WE58

Contrary to considerable negative public opinion, I must assert that Donald J. Trump is perhaps the best thing to happen to America in its entire history. His peculiar qualifications, non-conventional psychological constitution, and remarkable absence of self-control make him a distinctly influential political player. He has single-handedly ripped the shrouds of ambiguity and obfuscation off the face of the Republican Party, revealing in stark clarity the fundamental beliefs of his party.
“Donald is to politics what the Corvair was to automobiles, what lead was to house paint, what unsealed Tylenol was to the pharmaceutical bottle industry.”

Beach Closed After Sharks Found Feeding Off Carcass of Republican Party

Laguna Beach, CA—The republican party became stranded in shallow waters earlier today and was quickly surrounded by sharks and devoured. Witnesses claim the political party became confused and seemed disoriented. One witnesses states, “The GOP was babbling to itself and then blundered into the water, while shouting obscenities directed at a flock of seagulls.” The 80s band Flock of Seagulls, best known for the song I ran, was unavailable for comment.

Republicans Fondly Recount That 24 Hr Period When Trump Didn’t Say Anything Really Stupid

It seemed like only yesterday Trump was on point, because, well, it was only yesterday. The day before this gaffe-free-anomaly he was attacking babies and doubling-down on his criticism of the father of a fallen soldier. Today, back on course, Trump called for the assassination of his political opponent. No wonder he’s so fond of Putin. If they ever got married how would they pull off a reception with both KGB and KKK in attendance? Luckily Putin is staunchly homophobic and probably has his male lovers killed. Hey, but maybe if this doesn’t work out they can still be poison pen pals?

Dear GOP, It’s Just Dissonance Now: Cognitive Dissonance Implies Thought

trumpmaxLet’s downgrade all Republican cognitive thought distortions to simply distortions as cognition has little to do with it. Today’s GOP is so far from the truth even Fox Mulder is like, “Damn, that’s some crazy conspiracy shit.” The closest they ever get to reality is the coveted half-truth. The half-truth is out there? The nonsense espoused at the recent RNC is proof that logic no longer has a place amidst this Angry Mob of Misinformed ‘Muricans. AMMM radio?

Sure the GOP would argue its relevance, but if you are still processing information accurately then how come you’re always wrong?  ….or, more accurately, wronger? Vote for the tyrant for freedom! End taxes to pay down the deficit! No safety net for wellbeing! No unions for the worker! Unnecessary wars to victory! No regs for the rapture! With this approach to reality, how are we ever going to pay for Herr Trump’s annexation of Canada? Wait… I think what the GOP is doing might actually be a form of thought, just the opposite. Noruens? How about contra-cognitions? …no? Reverse politistalsis?