Dr. Heimlich Admits To “Choking” During Patented “Manuever”

untitledssssShady Acres Retirement Home—Dr. Henry Heimlich was in the news earlier this week after saving a fellow retirement home tenant from choking. More details of the incident are emerging that throw the famous anti-choke artist into a decidedly different light. According to witnesses, before Mr. Heimlich was able to eject the goods, a Lemony Snicket-like series of unfortunate events ensued.

“I knew what to do,” argues Dr. Heimlich, “But, look, I haven’t taken a life saving training since the Reagan Administration. I practiced one time on Johnny Carson back in the day. Sure his opening monologue wasn’t great that night, but he wasn’t exactly choking either.”

Dr. Heimlich is denying allegations he was hoping for such an event by paying kitchen staff on the side to serve unboned fish and extra-grisly meat.

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The GOP 3-Step: Create Terror, Lose Wars, Win Elections

chicken-hawkMLLWhat do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin, the poll. We must convince the Sultans of Swing to magic-carpet-bomb the animated menace! Say what you will, but there’s probably a better argument to invade Agrabah then there was for Iraq. After all, Agrabah does pose a clear threat to greater Ishtar. If we invade anywhere, it needs to be Mulan. That little bitch is becoming a real problem. But I doubt Trump could even find Mulan, On Demand.

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump Campaign

none2mMLSyria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a series of suggestive Tweets. Join ISIS, Donald! #carsNgirls #DesertHotties4U. We promise different things depending on the region of the world, but for Americans we always get them on the old cars-and-girls routine. You see, some Republicans are fighting for us and the rest are recruiting for us. It’s win win! The cars are actually U.S. military and the girls are just us wearing hijabs (ha, ha!). We like dressing like girls, but don’t tell our creator.”

RNC Claims Responsibility For Widespread Release Of Zika Virus In Effort To Gain White House

imagesSEWCQN6OnMLCleveland, OH—The CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, is confirming the RNC’s intentional release of Zika carrying mosquitos in swing states as part Operation Freedumb’s Bite. Republicans are concerned about their upcoming general election chances. It remains unclear if they can win on the uneducated, angry white-vote alone. With the release of Zika, the frontal lobes of liberals across the nation will atrophy as the republican base conversely widens. Mr. Ailes believes this can help republicans chances in the general election and may even boost his own news channel’s ratings. Critics of the move are calling the stunt Mosquitovellian, but Mick Zano has narrowed it down to either DEMmentia or Roger Ailezheimers.

Bernie Sanders Captured In Rarely Seen Superdelegate Courting Ritual

The Gables - Historic Estate in Vancouver on Sale for $12.8 Million

Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington, Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch.  Although the impact of this event remains unknown, critics were quick to call the performance “an act of desperation”, “beneath the dignity of his office,” and “clearly PhotoShopped by imbecils.”

Billionaire Bruce Vain And His Butler Anthony Plot To Kill Obama From The Batshit Cave

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Vain ManorThe Trump campaign is reeling after allegations have surfaced that involve The Donald’s personal butler encouraging the assassination of our sitting president on social sites. Mr. Trump is standing by his long time friend, “My butler is a great man. He’s the best, great man and he is totally innocent. First off, he would never say stuff like that outside of the Batshit Cave and second, he’s like what? 120? He wouldn’t know a social site if it Tweeted him in the ass.”

The Great White Dope

THEGREATWHITEDOPEWhy is everyone getting this Trump thing so wrong? Trump didn’t kill the republican party, Beauty killed the beast. Actually, stupidity killed the beast, but the death of conservatism under the weight of its own ignorance is not surprising. Today’s Grand Old Party is like that donkey Eeyore on an Alabama tilt-a-whirl—a sad state of affairs all around. Mitt Romney just told the New York Times that Trump represents a “stain on the party that would lead it to ruin.” A stain, Mitt? A skidmark the size of Brownsville would be an upgrade for your party. Fruit of the Goons?

Not Over? Kasich Determined To Take Final Concession Speech All The Way To The Convention

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Columbus, OH—The Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, still plans to suspend his campaign, but he promises to deliver a second and final concession speech that “will last all the way until the convention in July.” Senator Kasich told the press today, “This isn’t officially over until I say it is. And my plan is to take a long, long time to say that.”

Critics were quick to condemn the maneuver as a political stunt, but Kasich was quick to respond, “The convention is being held in Ohio and I am from Ohio. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I could be there, in like, an hour easy. Look, I prayed to Ted Cruz’s God and I am convinced there is some kind of divine intervention convention thingie occurring here #NeverTrump.”

The Pursuit of Happiness: You’re Doing It Wrong

fireworkdsMLConservatives are quick to quote the Constitution and complain how the left is always out to destroy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness …well, at least liberals can multitask. Kidding! Republicans have shown an aptitude for starting and losing multiple conflicts simultaneously. Does anyone else find it odd how conservative-types only seem content when they’re gutting our liberties in the name of freedom? Or, how they seem to have just a little ISIS in ’em when dealing with restroom transgender issues? So let’s kick the tires, look under the hood, and find out why our Republican friends keep trying to sell us such a liberty lemon. How about we start with some happiness indexes, because they always depress me.

Donald Trump Receives Honorary Degree From Trump University

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New York, NY—Donald Trump was all smiles today as he held aloft his honorary degree from Trump University. Dean Izzy Credentialed claims, “The honorary version of our six-figure degree is just as valid as the real thing. Sadly.” Upon receiving the honor, Trump stated, “I don’t generally do the humbled thing, but if I did, this would be that time …but, again, I don’t, so NO.” In the same ceremony, Trump was also presented with the Key to Trump Tower, from his maintenance guy, Steve.