Swamp Thing’s Appointment To Head Homeland Security Deemed A Direct Contradiction Of Related Campaign Promise

Tweet TowerDonald Trump announced his decision today to appoint Swamp Thing to head the Department of Homeland Security. Many are already calling into question Swamp Thing’s lack of related experience, or the lack of any employment history whatsoever since a laboratory explosion forced him to reside in a nearby swamp in 1972. In a rare comment former President Barack Obama told the Discord, “Let’s set a side for a moment the question as to whether or not Swamp Thing is prepared to execute the duties and responsibilities of this key position, but how did this president ignore the obvious optics?”

Four More Attendees Of Junior’s Controversial Meeting Leaked

Tweet TowerPresident Donald Trump continues to defend his son’s decision to attempt to collude with Russian officials in an effort to aid his campaign in the run up to the 2016 election. Trump maintains his position that “anyone would have taken that meeting”, but added, “especially from my gene pool.” The president is not at all concerned the list of meeting attendees now includes General Orlov of James Bond fame, Alex Krycek from the X-files, Ivan Vanko from Iron Man 2, and that Russian boxer dude who fought Rocky in the late seventies. Confusing references a bit, Boris and Natasha are strongly denying that Rocky the flying squirrel was in attendance. “That is a load of Bullwinkle,” said Boris.

Six Reasons Trumpcare Will Fail Bigly: Or You Never Did Get That Colonoscopy It Just Feels Like It

Pains me to admit it, but I was wrong about this President! Donald Trump has shown a steady, unswerving leadership not seen in our political landscape for a long, long time. Fine, I agreed to a lobotomy while I still have health insurance, or as I’m quoted on my discharge summary, “Go big, or go pancakes!” The nurse probably didn’t add the exclamation point, but it’s the way I like to not remember it. TrumpCare doesn’t make sense for 95% of us, but should that shock anyone? Oh, speaking of which, I went with a round of electro-convulsive therapy just in k-k-k-k-case. I have battled the GOP for decades on this issue, but I remain hopeful we can restore affordable oven mitts to the American pineapples. Here are six reasons the republican’s healthcare restoration plan, should it ever manage to pass, is a shit sandwich.

Fire In Bannon’s Liquor Drawer During ‘Flaming Moe’ Attempt Triggers White House Evacuation

Washington, D.C.—The White House is downplaying a fire that started earlier today in Chief Strategist Steve Bannon’s office, or, more specifically, his liquor drawer. The fire occurred as Mr. Bannon was trying to recreate the Flaming Moe, a fictional drink of Simpsons’ fame. The flames quickly spread from the liquor drawer to one of President Trump’s auxiliary hair product drawers, and in moments the fire claimed a chair, some drapes, and a portrait of Dolly Madison. Everyone involved agrees the fire was quickly contained and could have been much worse. In a presidential tweet, President Trump calmed the American people: “Luckily we only lost a painting of that chick who made the first ice cream cone #GoodbyeDolly.”

Massive Ice Sheet Glexits Antarctica In Protest Of U.S. Decision To Drop Out Of The Paris Accords

AntarcticaAn ice sheet on the Larsen C ice shelf made a clean break yesterday from the rest of the continent. It plans to block shipping lanes, negatively impact marine ecosystems, and contribute to rising sea levels. It’s doing this to “protest the stupidity of the U.S. republican party.” One iceberg told the Discord today, “I wish I had waited until the big calving, but last month I was like screw this shit, I’m outta here. I’m trying to drift over to join them, but it’s not easy. I think people need to know large amounts of frozen water are not happy with America and, well, not to seem cliché, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

Attorney General’s Choice Of Lunch Pale Questioned

Washington—Attorney General Jeff Sessions attended a scheduled committee meeting today toting a Bee Gees lunch box. Those close to Mr. Sessions are wondering whether this is a message to his staff that he is ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin’ Alive, or if he just has really shitty taste in retro music. One staffer believes it’s a cue directly aimed at her, as the Bee Gees’ song More Than A Woman is “their song”, or at least he has repeated that claim to her during Session sessions, which resemble a 50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey kind of thing as performed by the Burlesque Bilbo Bobbitt Hobbits.

Trump Wants To Meet Aztec Leader And Is “Impressed” With Tower Of Skulls Unearthed In Mexico

Aztecia—Despite repeatedly explaining how the Aztecs were defeated by the Spanish in 1521, President Trump remains insistent on meeting the Aztec King, or any member of his cabinet. His interest was sparked after an Aztec tower of skulls was discovered under the heart of Mexico City. The president is even willing to meet the King at a pyramid, “if there’s proper air conditioning involved.” The president believes the Aztecs could become crucial allies in both reigning in drug cartels as well as the building of the wall along the U.S. southern border. “I know they’re into some freaky shit down there, but I think we can work with them, or maybe their neighbors, those Inka people, who do office supplies or something. Do you think any of them pee on their women?”

[Kinkos joke removed by the editor]

Empire Closes Popular Bar On Mos Eisley

Tatooine—Chalmun’s Cantina, an infamous watering hole located at the Mos Eisley spaceport, has closed its space doors forever after a violent incident involving an Ewok and the hind end of a Tauntaun. Shortly after the Imperial Stormtroopers’ arrival, their blasters claimed the life of the owner, a Wookie, and several of his staff. Empire personnel then arrested 23 of the establishment’s intergalactic patrons. The Empire hopes to reopen the bar again soon, complete with extended hours, an expanded menu, and more of a Neimoidian theme.

Fleet Of Poland-Bound Buses Filled With Trump Supporters Feared Lost At Sea

Davey Jones Depot—President Trump’s speech today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square is now marred with tragedy. The Polish government had already promised the Trump Administration hundreds of adoring fans for his speech, so many are questioning the decision to send more U.S. crowd-stackers. The fleet of buses carrying the Trump rally enhancers are now missing. The president vows to get to the bottom of how his rent-a-crowd bus fleet ended up at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Several of Trump’s cabinet members were vehemently opposed to dispatching these buses. Unfortunately the president is not familiar with many of his cabinet members, or the word vehemently. 

Happy 4th? The Last Nationalistic Bone In My Body Has Osteoporosis, Which Is Now A Preexisting Condition

Why do liberals hate America? Maybe they just hate the stupid parts, which tend to be Republican in nature. At least North Korea didn’t vote for their own sociopathic man-child. Patriotism isn’t dead, it’s just brain dead. Z-exiting wouldn’t be easy, of course, but part of me wants to pull the old Daltrey and “put out the fire, and don’t look past my shoulder.” How do you outrun WWIII or the next global economic recession? We can’t escape from ourselves. Conservatives will continue to be the next unnecessary war/global recession people. Trumpcare currently has a 17% approval rating, so when is the Republican party itself going to be as unpopular as its deeds? Those will be the dystopic days worth living for. Why am I ready to give up on the greatest democratic experiment in human history? If America was a bar, this would the part when the lights blare on and you’re forced to acknowledge your poor choices. So… I didn’t miss my shoes and, hey, weren’t you on the faces of meth?

Trump’s Venue Change For The 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony Raises Eyebrows & Possibly The Dead

New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.

Premature Evacuation? Rogue Wave Ends Beach Goers Porn Session

Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”