Seahaven—Today the famed television mega-producer, Christof, of The Truman Show fame, admitted that the last three years of Donald Trump’s life have been the next of his epic reality TV series. In an interview with The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Christof stated, “My last foray involved keeping an individual, Truman Burbank, isolated in a bubble and making him believe that the environment around him was reality. This time I have taken an inside-out approach to that premise. We’ve targeted an individual from reality TV and created a fake reality out of him. The Truman Show started with the birth of the protagonist. This time I didn’t think that the back-story would be that compelling, although there is a niche market for those fascinated by the causes of sociopathic behavior. Maybe I’ll create a spin-off. Anyway, I didn’t have that kind of time to cultivate the requisite fame required to create the setting.”
Earth’s Crust—Evil genius Hannibal Lecter is suing Tito’s, a popular Austin-based vodka company and makers of Tito’s Handmade Vodka. The 78-year-old convict is coordinating the lawsuit from his maximum security prison deep within the Earth’s crust. After testing a sample of the product at an undisclosed location, the known cannibal found no human DNA whatsoever in the liquor. This prompted the master criminal to initiate legal action against the company for false advertisement. Lecter told the Discord, “I couldn’t find any sign of human remains, hands or otherwise, in this product. It’s corn-based, not a hand-based, which is not going to sit well with me, literally. Furthermore, if I wanted a screwdriver it would only be to bury in the neck of one of the guards.”
My friend and blogvesary continues to ignore the very parallel dimension in which he resides. He refuses to acknowledge how liberals are thwarted, time and time again, when they attempt to push anti-corruption legislation. Today’s example is ‘dark money’. Both parties use lobbyist-laden dark money, aka untraceable donations that propel their agendas, but per Mother Jones reporting over the last decade the totals vary greatly: R = $763.2 and D = $235.8. This week the Resisters tried to pass HR 1, an anti-corruption bill that would make all money traceable, but Mitch McConnell called it a “socialist power grab” …boogey, boogey, boogey! Uh, read the title of this article again, Mr. McConnell. You’re showing your horns and Mitchfork again.
Tweet Tower—Eric Trump and Don Junior wanted to surprise their father this week so, as the president approved the spring dessert menu at Camp Donald, the Brothers Dim set to work ‘improving’ their father’s office. The Secret Service allegedly participated in the effort and pictures of everyone using the water-bong prompted Vladimir Putin to call the Oval Office to warn the boys that if they didn’t start acting their age he’d forward the photos to the president.
Pepperidge Farm—In a wooded area outside of a secluded farmhouse only a few blocks from Sesame Street a neighborhood girl scout named Little Debbie vanished under mysterious circumstances. The Cookie Monster’s lawyer said, “This was a simple case of not knowing when the boxes of Shortbreads and Thin Mints ended and where Little Debbie’s Honey Buns began.”
The alternate reality that is the rightwing media echo chamber came into focus after 9/11. There was always concern that our response to 9/11, not the event itself, would be our undoing. Osama bin Laden knew this even if Dubya, for all his stratgery, didn’t. Today we’ve reached the promised land, kids, a place where nothing in the Fox-Trump continuum even matches the findings of our own intelligence community. Yay, team ‘Murica! We are officially two separate countries and both of them are going tits up. Post Trump’s inauguration I predicted Fox & Friends would attempt to drive this whopping pile of Foxal matter through The White House by—
[‘F*** the Face of the Nation’ joke removed by the editor. Geesh, Zano, get back on those meds!]
Since immigration reform is such a hot issue today I figured I’d go ahead and offer a quick and inexpensive solution. You might not agree with it, but you can’t argue with the profound logic. So please accept this tongue in both cheeks approach to using facts and problem solving prowess in a manner both brilliant and controversial. But if you don’t at least consider this, you can’t blame me when there’s no wall and our immigration system remains broken. My idea is as simple as it is effective.
Wow, look how big my hands are
This diatribe is largely in response to Pokey McDooris’ recent spew about the righteous Republican takeover of the presidency after the heinous rule of Barack Hussein Obama. Poke, for someone that’s all bunged up about the manipulation of the government and usurpation of rights by Democratic big money interests, you are really riding the wrong hobby horse.
Per a post-article Zano-McDooris debate, you stated that the Democrats “framed Trump for conspiring with the Russians.” Dude, they didn’t frame him for shit. In the months following the start of the Mueller Investigation*, Trump and his posse have admitted to tons of questionable activity as it pertains to Moscow. Just from his public statements Trump has confessed to fostering conflicts of interest as well as obstructing justice. If it makes you feel better, I’m not convinced that the Trump Campaign did wittingly collude with the Russians to throw the election (although I’m reasonably sure that Mueller will make it so).
*Note the name “Mueller Investigation” as opposed to the “Russia Investigation” monicre thrown around by seemingly everyone. It is not an investigation into Russian collusion, despite what Trump says, although he’s probably saying it out of a feeling of guilt. The mandate is an investigation into interference in the 2016 election, potential involvement of the Russians, possibly in collusion with the Trump campaign, plus anything derived therefrom (the “Gotcha bitch!” clause).
You have to love the neocons. No really, it’s going to be a law soon. Sure Trump’s foreign policy is all over the map, but let’s hope his military aspirations won’t be. I’ve never been a huge fan of our neocons and it’s curious why a group without any clear victories since WWII remains so confident. Their ability to flourish minus any actual positive feedback is legendary. They are like the tardigrades of the political world, tiny mindless soldiers who can thrive even in the icy void of space. The more hawkish side of republicana represents the last gasp of the rightwing intelligentsia, for whatever that’s worth. Sure the Goldbergs, Kristols and Krauthammers always represented the conservative ‘adults in the room’, but it doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Bill Kristol, an affable well-spoken type, always had military interventions on speed dial. His Weekly Standard just tanked, but before his neoconservative rag joined the choir invisible he floated the idea of regime change in China. No joke. I guess when your ideology is heading for a big fall, you might as well go out with a nuclear winter. In their defense, we can’t just have the best military in the world hanging behind the 7-11, right? We’d need a bigger Gulp.
Beto O’Rourke has yet to announce his 2020 presidential bid, but he has officially released part of the results of a political ancestry test. Mr. O’Rourke is apparently 15% Elizabeth Warren. O’Rourke has remained silent on the rest of his genetic make up, calling it, “Mostly junk DNA.” This move is not polling well with likely voters, however, as one woman from El Paso said, “I have the right to know if he’s got a little Bernie in him. Sanders genes would share way too much genetic material with any old RNA. Candidates should not get to pick and choose; they should release their entire political heritage. On that note, I’m hoping Cory Booker is mostly Michael Bloomberg.” Mr. O’Rourke is unphased by the wave of criticism and plans to travel the country next month shaking hands and kissing babies. He hopes this will emphasize the stark contrast between himself and the current president, who prefers to shake babies and kiss MILFS.
My friend’s denial of GOP incompetence is something for the ages, isn’t it? The Republican false narrative is as constant as the Northern Bar. Bad example; I’m barred. As we anxiously watch this president test the limits of our checks and balances, my friend continues to ignore this in favor of squatting on a mushroom to contemplate his navel. I don’t remember voting for stuff pre-1913, Pokey, but I do remember distinctly not voting for a Republican in my adult lifetime. Although your last history lesson was well-crafted, it doesn’t excuse your voting record. Whereas Republican atrocities are measurable, liberal atrocities remain theoretical. And you’re calling me out for sweeping generalizations? Whereas I link back to studies, data, graphs, and earlier predictions, you keep citing far-right, alt-right, termite, anti-erudite, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and …Methodists!
Whenever Zano starts characterizing my positions as “garbage” or throwing out sweeping generalizations, you can be sure he’s sidestepping the heart of my argument. Let me begin by peeling away at some of the peripheral issues so that we can work our way back into the core of our debate. Sure, under President Obama’s administration oil and gas drilling did significantly expand, and to characterize his policy as “anti-oil” would be overly simplistic. However, I did check with the Sustainable Energy in America Factbook put out by the Business Council for Sustainable Energy and Bloomburg New Energy Finance, and I learned that in 2017, 18% of the total amount of U.S. energy came from renewable sources (up from 15% in 2016). While the economy steadily expanded, the total U.S. consumption of energy actually declined in 2017 by 0.2%. I could find no stats from 2018. This suggests that Trump’s policies have not had a harmful effect on renewable energies so perhaps they have even had a positive impact.
My blogvesary has ramped up the rhetoric as of late and, whereas I do enjoy our debates over the years, we are symptoms of a greater problem. We really aren’t hearing each other anymore. On that note, let’s start off with an agreement. Looking at AOCs emergence as a key voice there is certainly concern future progressives may not look before they legislate. Having said that, the GOP is already in four point restraints with an ass full of Haloperidol. Let the debate begin!
Tweet Tower—The White House is viewing North Korean President Kim Jong Un’s recent present as a “positive diplomatic development”, despite the controversial nature of the gift itself. The Supreme Leader of NK sent the White House a Speak & Spell, which the president seems to “really be enjoying in lieu of any and all intelligence briefings and his usual presidential duties.”
In related news, Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi.
A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.
Immigration reform is a problem that deserves a solution and one that keeps us safe and reflects our values at our border towns, brothels, and beyond—not to mention those bathroom stores. Here’s where I agree with my friend and blogvesary: a liberal plan for border security is empty if Dems aren’t serious about comprehensive immigration reform. Some of their hesitancy is, no doubt, tied to a lack of political will for fear of alienating voters. And this is where our agreement begins and ends. Everything else the right side of the aisle is the usual blend of bloviational hyperbole and methane (BHM). Amplifartcation? Lest we forget how Republican reform, not immigration reform, is the number one issue on the docket. But here’s a breakdown of the problem and the solution:
Flagstaff, AZ—On the heels of the Buzzfeed debacle and after a Limony Snickets level of bad reporting, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has turned his soulless eye toward the antics of the The Daily Discord. Despite the fact our own website’s wrongdoing remains clouded in the Special Counsel’s nebulous draconian secrecy, Rachel Maddow spent twenty five awkward minutes covering the story. For this feature, which arrived with next to no information, she danced entirely around two of the only three non-redacted words in the entire court document. She would not utter the words ‘midget porn’ or ‘with a melon’ on prime time television, so her entire segment focused on the words ‘beer pong’ and its tortured link to the Russia probe. Many, including this reporter, found her Maddowmandering, “even more excruciating than usual.” The piece was so annoying, three out of four Discord staffers are believed to have switched to Hannity’s America.