Since day one of this rag’s inception I’ve warned how this is a race between the death of the republican party and the death of our nation. Unfortunately taking back the House falls short of what the situation demanded. Granted the odds of winning the senate were always grim, but the integrity or our courts are lost for a generation and Fox & Frauds will continue to placate this orange pariah as we race toward ruin. We’ve shot beyond the point of no return on our planet’s viability, on our court’s authoritarianism, and on our overall drift toward fascism. Even our booming economy is showing signs of losing sight of the shoreline as our deficits hit 22-trillion this month while president guts the last of the Wall Street regulations and consumer protections. Remember what a big deal deficits were when Obama was forced to create a new economic model to avoid the Bush Depression? Now that they’re skyrocketing, for no actual reason, let’s go back to ignoring them. Barring the slim chance of an annulment our judicial system is locked on authoritarian mode. Trust me, ideologically speaking they’ll land somewhere between Federalists and Nazi Federalists. But I’ll let you be the inquisitor. And, to save himself, our president may attempt to become a permanent fixture over on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. So I have only one more question for you, my friend, how the hell did you miss all of this shit? [Benghazi joke removed by the editor, placed in a small box, and buried with the hamster in the backyard.]
You’re right about one thing, Zano, the immigration issue is far more involved, philosophically and historically, than our political pundits or parties tend to comment. Traditionally it was assumed and required that all legal immigrants would assimilate into our nation by truly identifying as Americans while leaving behind the racial and ethnic past. Through the assimilation of our language, traditions, laws, customs, and culture, the Irish Americans freely chose to become an American of Irish descent. That’s the difference with today’s approach to immigration, and thereby the problem.
X-Mansion—The stock market was a real roller coaster this week, but the latest drop in the DOW came at the clawed hands of Marvel great, Stan Lee. Lee created such comic book legends as Spiderman and X-Men and news of the 95-year-old’s death sent the price of adamantium, the indestructible metal alloy that fortifies the X-Men, dropping like a mutant at a Trump rally.
Key Least, FL—The effects of climate change is set to the dash the hopes and dreams of one intrepid man and the small island community who shares his vision. Stanley Dorkmeyer, a huge fan of the Star Wars franchise, is bent on crafting his homeland into the same specifications as Han Solo’s ship, the Millennium Falcon. Dorkmeyer conceived of the original concept in 1977, shortly after the release of the original Star Wars film. If more damaging storms, coastal flooding and mass extinctions do not resonate with you, hopefully the plight of this small island will move you to climate action. Dorkmeyer, now 57, is still living on the island in his parent’s basement.
Washington, DC—Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is currently recovering from three broken ribs at George Washington University Hospital, but exactly how she sustained those injuries remains in question. Initially Justice Ginsburg stated she, “Fell down on the job”, literally, but rumors began circulating how she was only attempting to make a faulty workman’s comp claim. Later, while on copious amounts of pain medications, she told reporters her injuries were the aftermath of an extreme bar fight at the Velvet Lounge. Patrons claim Ginsburg entered the Columbia Heights dive bar in a foul mood, reeking of gin and regret. She was complaining about a new coworker, who she described as a douchy chauvinistic pig to anyone who would listen. After exchanging some harsh words with a leather-clad biker, Ginsburg raised a beer bottle and smashed it over the biker’s head. This started a bit of a fracas that ended with several injuries, significant property damage—that no one will probably notice—and a screenplay.
South of the Border—My friend and blogvesary has unknowingly been encouraged to weaponize the topic of immigration reform right before the midterms. He really thinks he’s coming up with this latest brainfart all by his lonesome, which is adorable. Yeah, let’s ignore the whole tyrant-minus-any-checks-&-balances thing so we may bring you the latest rightwing distraction, in caravan form. This issue is near and dear to their hateful hearts, isn’t it?
Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”
This annoying thing happened online last week. Before I could even answer someone in comment-thread-land, this fella was labeled a troll and banned from the group. Now this was a Facebook group for folks who want to vent about Republicans, so I get it, but let’s never be afraid to counter Republican ignorance with facts wherever and whenever their bullshit surfaces. I realize we will never win hearts and minds, because having them is a prerequisite, but we can’t always retreat to our safe space and our hate spaces. GAB.com’s relationship to the synagogue shooter is the latest example of a weaponized social media forum. I realize there are no easy answers here, because who wants to keep debating delusion (see: my lifework)? So this man/troll/banished fella countered one of my Discord articles with a long list of Trump’s “accomplishments” (not the one above with the added poop emojis). He pasted a much larger pile of Foxal-matter onto that comment thread. Let’s take a look at these gems.
1. Because he wants them to (vampires suffer from Oppositional Undeadfiance Disorder).
2. You need at least a 100 IQ to be turned, no exceptions (well, except Tom Cruise and Robert Pattinson). Vampires, as a rule, won’t turn children (so Trump’s 0 for 2).
3. No creature preternatural or otherwise would want to listen to Trump for multiple lifespans. Talk about term limits…
Yeah, uh, stop doing that. Republicans claim to be the great protectors of the constitution, and they’ll impose martial law to prove it. Thankfully the right-wing’s authoritarian skillset is still in its infancy stage, much like their elected officials. After reading my recent review of Albright’s book on fascism, my Republican friend recently added Jonah Goldberg’s book Liberal Fascism to my suggested reading list. Sure the liberal version of fascism exists, but is it really the problem today? There’s an alt-right ideology in the oval office, so let’s focus instead on some ANTIFA-type wandering the ghetto with a ‘safe space’ sign? Really? To summarize our debates over the years, it’s my list of ‘ongoing Republican atrocities’ vs. my friend’s list of ‘perceived liberal insults’. Whereas liberal led investigations tend to end in indictments, theirs end only with more ‘questions’. Quibbling over the details while missing every sign of the Trumpocalypse is crazy making. Pokey, Pokey, if this were the movie Jaws, and those first ominous ‘dah-dums’ started playing in the background, you’d be too focused on your Jelly Fish Menace op-ed piece to notice …which you’re writing from a floatie …after you cut your leg shaving. Sorry, but you can’t put ads in the newspaper for a presidential strongman and then talk to me about the importance of being a constitutionalist.
[Retraction: I guess you can.]
Miami, FL—56-year-old Cesar Sayoc was arrested yesterday in connection with the string of suspicious packages mailed to prominent democrats across the country. Details of the man’s trip to the 5th precinct are now emerging and it appears he was allowed to stop by the post office to cast his vote before being processed. An unnamed law enforcement official claims the man was also allowed to contact his lawyer, Vladmir Putin, Julian Assange, National Security Adviser John Bolton, as well as the fictional Bond villian Ernst Blowfeld.
Sierra Vista, AZ—A large caravan of immigration hopefuls is indeed tearing through Mexico in a direct line to the U.S.’s southern border at this hour. In an effort to turn Arizona blue, democrats in congress are proposing a plan to harness this untapped voting demographic. They hope to have taxpayer money earmarked for a makeshift bridge-tunnel system that will funnel this large group of soon-to-be illegal immigrants directly into key swing districts.
Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.
Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.
Riyadh, SAU—Secretary of State Mike Pompeo asked the world to give Saudi Arabia “just a little more time to hide the body *cough* I mean, find the missing Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Look, I don’t want to talk about any of the facts. They didn’t want to either, because wow that would be awkward.” During the visit, after all the niceties and finger foods (pardon the pun), shit got real. Prince Mohammed bin Salman allegedly handed gloves and bleach to a stunned Pompeo. The above picture is believed to be the last one taken, before our Secretary of State was dispatched to the Saudi consulate in Istanbul for some “light housework and dusting.”
In 2018 fascism is one of those terms thrust into the heart of the American scheissgeist and Albright’s book on the subject Fascism: A Warning offers a historical overview of when conditions turn toward such tyranny. She personalizes her own family’s account of fleeing Czechoslovakia to stay one step ahead of the Third Reich. Today, the Republicans want to flip the script and paint liberals as the fascists. This is not without precedent, as fascism can come from both sides, as Albright covers Chavez’s antics in Venezuela (take your own HOA for example, a truly bipartisan evil). Conservative’s attempt to cast liberals in the role of the villains today is laughable. Rightwing media keeps harping on recent collegiate instances of safe space speech suppression (SS²). The Republican’s fear of Antifa is overblown, and their own capabilities in this area are greatly minimized. But false equivalencies have always been the conservative’s bread and Buchenwald. Whereas progressives in this country don’t seem to vote for their worst common denominators, conservatives seem hell bent on the practice. Albright’s work equates Fascism to a soup, a soup that requires certain societal ingredients before it starts to simmer. Is it Nazi soup yet in America? There’s certainly a foul odor coming from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. Whether or not our republic has the time to add something a little more Progresso to the mix leaves to be seen.
Tweet Tower—Did anyone else get that Presidential Alert on your cellphone? I’ve gotten Amber Alerts when kids go missing, and Silver Alerts when the chronologically-challenged wander into the woods, but what the hell is an Orange Alert? Can we block our president from texting me? I blocked FEMA and Homeland Insecurity, but WTF? The actual message from our president was even more disturbing: This is just a text, had this been an actual social media emergency you would have been instructed to ‘like’ or ‘retweet’ the president’s latest psycobabble on twitter #RetweetEmergency. I’m actually not kidding about the Presidential Alert part, so what is this administration preparing for? Oh right, they don’t prepare for stuff. My bad.