Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 24, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to...oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges...uh, yeah, we’re screwed.


Read Between the Lies
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

All right Zano, it’s been a while since I responded to your political musings, but it’s taken me nearly a week to get that last bad post of yours out of my mouth. Thank you, Tums! So if the government uses tax money to engage in activities that conflict with a tax payer’s conscience, they should be legally compelled to give birth control to employees? ...or bake cakes for gay weddings? ...or purchase health insurance? Really? And to make matters worse, all these things happened last weekend at your hacienda of hedonism! I’m sure my lack of an invitation was an oversight on your part. But I see you invited my sister, dick.


The Iraq War and the Edge of Harshness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following rant was initially submitted to the Arizona Daily Sun by Dr. Kwela Juluka. It was rejected for its edgy harshness and, perhaps, because it was caked in a mysterious layer of white power. So he sent it our way because he knows this rag fosters such bouts of edgy harshness...and he also knows we snort anything. I have since asked Dr. J to consider becoming a regular contributor here at The Discord, as this remains one of the best places to foment such edgy harshness as to allow such rants to eventually encompass all the remaining synonyms for harsh and edgy....uh, hedgy?


Obama: the Worst President Never
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard about this Quinnipiac poll? Thirty three percent of those polled claim Obama is the worst president in history. It’s damning, unless you have a basic understanding of today’s society. Everyone is ignoring the irre-elephant in the room. The numbers are entirely predictable. Nearly 40% of our country are Foxeteers and they keep polling themselves to remind us of how strongly and wrongly they all agree. But where is the other 7%? Should we send out a search party? Should I turn on the Batshit signal again?


Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous
Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous

U.S.A.—America is under siege and not in a Steven Siegel, action-packed kind of way. Nineteen states—five more than the original 13-colonies, six more if you know math—have now opted to support marriage equality. Many among the Rainbow Jihad (RJ) are terrorizing Tea Party Facebook Meetup groups across this great nation. They are harassing real Americans with signs like: Don’t Tread on Moi and You Do Know what Teabagging Means, Right?

Emboldened by their recent state-by-state marriage equality victories (MEV), the Dyke Dominion, the Fabulous Fashion Fighters, the Trans-Gender-Formers have declared their desire to create a new gay nation that will one day stretch all the way down Route-69 from Greenwich Village to Haight-Ashbury.

"This is all part of our Tranifest Destiny," said one protestor, holding a sign that read, Pink is the New Red State. When asked what he thought was the impetus behind this movement, he said, "You’re thinking of republicans, we’re not impetus."

Another protestor said, "The anonymous leader of our movement, the CaliFab or something, is divinely chosen by The Queen, Elton John, who will rally the lost Gay Villages of Boystown to smite the social oppressor and yada yada...there had just better be fucking drink specials, is all I’m saying."

Our own field reporter on the scene, Cokie McGrath, had this to say, "She’s kind of cute."


Breaking Vlad?
By Mick Zano
Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine...uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.


Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:

Impeachment: You're Doing It Wrong
Impeachment: You're Doing it Wrong
 
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This Just in From Crank Headquarters
This Just in From Crank Headquarters
 
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Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria; Why are their Secretaries so Angry?
Why are their Secretaries so angry?
 
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The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in Our Oceans Found
The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in our Oceans Found,
Garbangtua now living comfortably amidst the Pacific Garbage Patch
 
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Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire
Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire,
France left out on purpose.See full feature here.
 
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What Were Republicans, Daddy?
What were Republicans, Daddy?
 
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The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About His Apprentice
The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About his Apprentice
 
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Dated Discord
Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals
Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count this High in Roman Numerals

Philadelphia, PA—Since the inception of The Daily Discord our apology posts have managed to stay behind the number of total Super Bowls, thus our ability to figure out the applicable Roman numerals. Today, however, we find ourselves sadly heading into unchartered mathematical waters (UMW). I don’t even know what the C means in Roman numerals, but here we are. Time and time again our problems start and end with Mr. Mick Zano and his endless journalistic transgressions. His barrage of lawsuit-magnet yuck yucks arrive in each of his submissions like clockwork. If only his submissions themselves could arrive with such consistency and timeliness.

It is getting so bad that I sometimes even think back fondly to the days of The Ghetto Shaman. Speaking of the devil, when he is released from the Lycoming County Prison, he plans to resume his weekly column. Oh, and in related news, the Shaman’s legendary self-help book The Tao of Skullfucking is already outperforming Hillary Clinton’s autobiography Hard Choices. Okay, so neither are actually selling on Amazon, but that does kind of make them equal.

Anyway, onward with the unfortunate retractions at hand...


GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw

Detroit, MI—General Motors is back in the news today after a defect caused dozens of their automobiles to burst into flames last week. Still reeling from their recent round of recalls, GM is refusing to recall these models, because they are claiming the fiery blasts are "epic" and "cool".

The new CEO of GM, Mary Barra, is claiming the explosions are, "Pretty spectacular. Our cars’ ability to burst into a ball of fire is simply a special feature included with these models to spice things up a bit. Some people would pay extra for such an impressive pyrotechnic display. We feel such an ability should come standard in all of our vehicles. The Cobalt is now the Cobolt. One day you’ll find out why, and the Chevy Volt is now simply more aptly named. Try driving one of our new Kevorkian series cars. It will leave you breathless. No really, the muffler fumes are somehow funneled back into the cab."


Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

There isn't much happening in this whitebread shitkicker state that makes me want to leave my comfortable womb up here in Cowtown. Guided By Voices playing in Phoenix on a Sunday night did the trick.


Mount Rushmore: What Went Right and Wrong
By Pete Christensen
Mount Rushmore: What went Right and Wrong
Pete Christensen

Mount Rushmore was built on The Six Grandfathers Mountain of South Dakota on land stolen from the Lakota Sioux in the war of 1876 to 1877. The name was changed to "Rushmore" to honor a wealthy East Coast banker by Carrie Swancey, the sister of Laura Ingalls Wilder, who later went on to name Washington’s professional football team. Okay, strike that last part...


Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
By Mick Zano
Oil Tanker Sinks off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility

Tokyo, JP—Over a month has passed since the Shoko Maru, a nearly 1000 ton cargo tanker, sank under mysterious circumstances off the coast of Japan. To date, no monsters have claimed responsibility. The ship reportedly exploded before sinking into the ocean approximately 450-kilometers west of Tokyo. For U.S. readers that’s...I danno, we never really learned the metric system, but, according to our Chief Metric System Correspondent, it was fairly close to Godzilla’s usual stomping ground.

Many feel that if Godzilla caused this disaster he would have followed his traditional plotline directly into Tokyo Bay, where he—well, our field reporter Cokie McGrath said it best, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."


Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that the mastermind behind the Benghazi attack is in custody and has allegedly cited the video as the main impetus...uh, who cares? As Hillary said, "Why does it matter?" This was extrapolated by Fox to mean, "Why does it matter four Americans died?" They did this because they lie. That’s not news; they lie every news cycle, but what’s always been interesting to me about this particular "scandal" is how little sense it makes, even by typical Fox News standards. Heh, heh...Fox News standards.


Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Did you see the parade of war criminals surface all across the Fox Nation this week? You know, the ones who never got anything right about Iraq and should be in jail? They have more advice now that Iraq is descending into a civil war. Fox also started running endless 2007 republican Surge-justification-quotes (SJQ). Here’s the thing, saying Iraq will fall apart without U.S. support in 2007 is kind of like Churchill, instead of his famous 1940 speech, saying, "You know, I think Hitler’s up to something."

Sarah Palin Speaks...Badly
Sarah Palin Speaks...Badly
 
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Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe
Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe, “We stand by our reporting on the rise of the Walmart Midgets and the Dancing Hipster Menace,” Pierce Winslow CEO
"We stand by our reporting on the rise of the Walmart Midgets and the Dancing Hipster Menace,” Pierce Winslow CEO
 
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GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful
GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful, Well, comparatively it is for them. See the full Zano Iraq feature, here.
Well, comparatively it is for them. See the full Zano Iraq feature, here.
 
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After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A
After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A, What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
 
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Ah, to Be a Republican Website for a Day
Ah, to be a Republican Website for a Day, Medication...it couldn't hurt.
Medication...it couldn't hurt.
 
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Should the Discord Have an Age Limit?
Should The Discord have an Age Limit? And should that age limit be well above the expected human lifespan?
And should that age limit be well above the expected human lifespan?
 
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Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D? Or, hard choice to keep promising…
Or, hard choice to keep promising…
 
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Discord Videos
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time For Our Editing, Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
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Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
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