The Pursuit of Happiness: You’re Doing It Wrong

fireworkdsMLConservatives are quick to quote the Constitution and complain how the left is always out to destroy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness …well, at least liberals can multitask. Kidding! Republicans have shown an aptitude for starting and losing multiple conflicts simultaneously. Does anyone else find it odd how conservative-types only seem content when they’re gutting our liberties in the name of freedom? Or, how they seem to have just a little ISIS in ’em when dealing with restroom transgender issues? So let’s kick the tires, look under the hood, and find out why our Republican friends keep trying to sell us such a liberty lemon. How about we start with some happiness indexes, because they always depress me.

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Donald Trump Receives Honorary Degree From Trump University

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New York, NY—Donald Trump was all smiles today as he held aloft his honorary degree from Trump University. Dean Izzy Credentialed claims, “The honorary version of our six-figure degree is just as valid as the real thing. Sadly.” Upon receiving the honor, Trump stated, “I don’t generally do the humbled thing, but if I did, this would be that time …but, again, I don’t, so NO.” In the same ceremony, Trump was also presented with the Key to Trump Tower, from his maintenance guy, Steve.

The Deming Down Of ‘Murica’s Cultural Identity

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What is our cultural identity and why is it important? What does it mean to be an American in the 21st century? We are very divided, which has implications for both our identity and our future. Amidst any discussion these days, bipartisanship breaks out faster than a Ferguson Missouri Trump rally riot. Today, the Republican fringe is preparing for a holy war and factions of our New Age liberals are worried about an alien invasion from Nibiru. Hmmm, so how do we reconcile these two groups? Onward Christian Mulder?

Dr. Buzzkill Thinks America Is Too Hooked On Midget Porn

c1ae782439001e98cd84887d1a587297My friend Pokey has some concerns about our cultural identity, our withering values, and our founding documents. Just stop following me on Twitter, dude. Start there.  Pokey’s so concerned about the Constitution that he’s considering voting for a fascist to defend it. He’s so concerned about our cultural identity that he’ll champion bigots and zealots. Cultural Identity Disorder? As usual we don’t agree on how we got here, our priorities, our next steps, austerity or stimulus ….pumps or stilettos. It’s like that time I waited for you at Moriarity’s Pub. We were only blocks away from Philadelphia’s Freedom Trail and you turned that night into a Trail of Tears. I should have went with pumps. *sob* …wait, was that Boston? Don’t get me started on what you did in Boston!

Angus Young Finally Graduates High School: He’s Being Asked To Return His School Uniform

BBrXSHaSydney, AU—The lead guitarist for the popular Australian rock band AC/DC, Angus Young, is back in the news today. The rock legend is finally receiving his high school diploma from Ashfield Boys High School Academy in Sydney, Australia. Young has attended the school on and off since 1976 and has now met all of his high school equivalency credits. The snafu with this achievement came in the form of a letter from the headmaster, demanding Angus return his official high school uniform by the end of the school day.

Assimilation And Cultural Identity Or Quien Cojones Eres?

america_decay_credit_presstvI commend you on delivering an admirable response to my immigration article, Zano, but there’s still one unacknowledged point of contention that is at the heart of my argument. You’ve been dancing around this point since our very first debate, and I am determined to pin you down, you slippery sophist. The main point behind virtually every one of my Discord articles is the question: what is our nation’s cultural identity? And, no, I don’t believe it is relevant or appropriate to explain our cultural identity as it relates to the subject of midget porn.

RNC Offers Trump An Alternative Role: Prime Minister Of Iraq

trumpmMLThe Grand Old Party has a different approach to harness the power of The Donald. During a recent phone conversation, RNC Chair, Reince Priebus, offered Trump a “more suitable position for his talents.” Mr. Priebus told the press today, “Iraq needs a strong man and the Republican party needs an electable one.” When asked how he convinced Mr. Trump to accept this new role, Priebus said, “I told him, think of all the global respect you’ll gain by forcing Mexicans to build a wall along the Syrian border. And then I said, hey, maybe casinos aren’t big in ISIS controlled territory because no one has tried them there yet.”

Immigration Reform? Let’s Deport Every Republican Politician

bombed-out-punk-memoir-peter-alan-lloyd-punk-and-new-wave-1980s-liverpool-bands-1980s-liverpool-recession-pink-floyd-single-and-alI got it! Let’s keep the “illegals” and load Congress onto buses. How about that for comprehensive immigration reform? I can see it now, Louis Armstrong singing What A Wonderful World, a chirping cartoon bird landing on your shoulder, a bill some day passing Congress. Think about it, a line of buses heading south with all those do-nothing politicians. Eleven million deportations isn’t possible, nor ethical, but 247 politicians? Think of the money the tax payers could save! It’s kind of what will happen to The GOP in the near future anyway, so I just want to hasten the process. And don’t worry, Pokey, they can all be short ones.

From Crappiness to Happiness in Three Easy Steps

Bone 4Collapsing Shack, AZ—Most of us have our mental health ups and downs, or as I prefer to call them: 1. drinking or 2. working. Some people certainly have a leg up on the happiness scale. What advantages do they have that I’m missing, besides talent and a life? Between dumpster diving and jamming out to old punk tunes in the dirt, I have discovered what these other Americans have going for them and where I may be lacking. After almost thirty minutes of effort, I have outlined a method to improve one’s happiness. I don’t think it will help me, I am too far gone, but perhaps you, gentle reader, will gain something from all of my hard work …or at least come to appreciate how you’re not as bad off as the old Bone Man.