Pripyat, RU—The Chernobyl nuclear power plant, site of one of the worst nuclear accidents in history, has announced its intention to “get back into the gamma *cough* …the game.” In a recent interview with that Two Ferns guy, the #4 Reactor said, “We had a board meeting in March and thought, heck, with all the UFOs, pandemics, populism, and world strife, it’s probably time to climb back on that pale horse. Our facility is pretty safe these days, well, comparatively. We also finalized our new slogan: Chernobyl: Beats Detroit. We really wanted to reopen in 2020, but our project manager had a total meltdown. Ha, ha, ha, yeah, that one never gets old, but it does seem to have a half-life. So come on down and see our grand reopening! BYOB! …which means Bring Your Own Beta-radiation-detector. We are out.”
There’s a different kind of War on Christmas occurring, and it’s a little more Ghostbustery than Grinchy. Something occurred to me during a recent conversation with a couple of republicans, well, besides the usual masochistic implications. Another dimension of rightwing madness availed itself, a kind of republican Wrinkle in Le’Guin. The first rightwinger feared our imminent return to communism under more liberal leadership, no surprise there, while the second conveyed a cresting China-angst as Beijing now sits poised to eat our lunch. “Better learn to speak Mandarin, Zano.” So on one side we find a Soviet-style communism, with all the Stalinesque trappings, no doubt courtesy of our Veep and her trusty sidekick, AOC—both secretly from Venezuela—as for that other side, we find China’s quantum economic leap amidst the pandemic. As for these Christmas Ghosts, well, the first is absurd and apparently the threat of China sprung from the void on January 20th. But let’s forget the merits of these arguments for a moment; what struck me is the elegance of the Fox News effect. The GOP keeps its viewership off balance and split-focused between these two ghosts. In this way, all problems occurring today, what many of us refer to as the present, can be duly ignored. Thus we can bypass anything resembling a solution to any problem, indefinitely, which is really cost-effective if you’re, say, Mr. Burns over at the power plant. This also explains how the rightwing position never evolves in an unwanted direction, or, more precisely, in any direction whatsoever. It rings of John Boehner’s recent comment, “What does the GOP stand for anymore?” Were this a chess game, D would have moved their pawn, donning a Lollapalooza shirt, and R would then start to talk about their next move and scratch their collective head. Eventually, Zeno of Elea would be proud, as the sun would gradually deplete its hydrogen supply before their first move. MAGA only pawn in game of life.
The COVID virus recently celebrated its world tour anniversary, or Around the World in 80-million Lungs. Here’s a quiz to find out where you stand on the basic COVID facts after being inundated with information, some good, some bad, and some ugly. This quiz was inspired by a recent conversation with a republican friend, who, despite a raging global pandemic, didn’t seem to pick up on even the basic key takeaways. The nearest equivalent would be wandering around 1350s Europe, asking, “What’s with the giant stack of corpses outside your shop, Fred? Fred?! Hey, where’s Fred?” While some of us were glued to the set in an effort to inform ourselves of the best strategies to keep ourselves and our families safe, others drifted Trumpward or Qward. I admit I was in the middle. I followed the story, learned some stuff, but tried not to obsess about every new strain or development in COVIDville. But how, over one year into this mess, do we end up with the least informed bunch on the planet? Guatemala kicked our butts on this one, those savvy metropolitans.
Please hit read more and take this important informational quiz!
Butler’s Warf, London—Upset Londoners described “a very loud, non-stop, and quite senseless barrage of artillery fire right in the middle of lunch.” Several pubs in the Butler’s Wharf pier area of central London responded to the attacks that originated from the north side of the Thames earlier this morning. Many are calling the response to the display “unprovoked” as the artillery rounds were simply part of the ceremony honoring yesterday’s passing of Prince Philip. Many local pub patrons, however, are “not having it” and remain incensed by the incursion. The misunderstanding rallied a mob of patrons, mostly from the Anchor Tap Pub, to responded by hurling beer bottles and insults while others recited parts of Churchills’ fight them on the beaches speech. One witness said, “Did you ever see the Movie Cockneys vs Zombies? It wasn’t anything like that.”
To the backdrop of my endless dystopic rants, it’s probably tough to tell that I actually enjoy writing. My basic motivation stems from humor, of course, but it’s a constant struggle to find anything remotely amusing about my time spent in a waning superpower that, even on a good day, functions on the shitshowy-side of fubar. Back in undergraduate-land, I once told my philosophy professor that I only wanted to learn enough about the absolute truths to make fun of them. He laughed, called me a nihilist, and then took another swig of his Stolis. A combination of nihilism and masochism have kept me blogging this long and the word fun is not how I would describe today’s politique, or what I have come to refer to as the American scheissgiest. It’s a truly awful prospect to climb, day-after-day, into this particular patch of rancid weeds, especially with all the Monsantocides and Foxal matter about. Staying an informed citizen is one thing, but following the political play-by-play comes with a certain risk to one’s own mental health. Hanging out here all the time is creepy …sending your daughter on a date with Matt Gaetz, creepy.
Egypt—Now that the stranded container ship blocking the Suez canal has finally been freed, more disturbing details of the ship’s contents are surfacing. The freighter carried an unusually large number of returned Oxford commas. Whether or not this contributed to the disaster remains unclear. One chief editor said, “After the commas weren’t being used as much, well, the extra ones started stacking up a bit.” The controversy started when several grammar experts, perhaps most notably the AP-stylebook, encouraged a change in usage by suggesting the removal of the comma right before the last item of any list. The decision has since given many scholars pause.
The Big Mouth Apple—An old secretary, Lee Holloway, has surfaced from the 80s to defend Andrew Cuomo’s character at his darkest hour. The staffer insists Cuomo always struck the right balance, repeatedly, through a combination of discipline and humiliation. An infamous Swiss doctor, who wished to remain anonymous, added, “You should never Franken anything, especially if it’s already dead. I have some experience with this and, I can tell you, it’s a slippery slope to being forced to create a bride for the bloody thing, or ending up in a burning windmill, castle, or some such, or whatever happened at the end of that Aaron Eckhart schitznik ….talk about stitched together.”
Enters the much-anticipated Democratic victory lap! The mighty stimulus has arrived thus slaying the austerity dragon. So let’s all do the libby jig, which, like dancing with the rest of the Riffraff, is just a Trump to the left. Covid slew Goliath, republicanism is in its death throes and ding dong the Mitch is finally dead, or at least dead-ish. We even have a new commander in chief calling his good friends across the aisle neanderthals. It’s a brand new day, a place where insight is once again valued and Trumpism has been relegated to the dustbin of Hannity. We can all breathe a sigh of relief at the now reopened pubs, right? Sadly, this is more wishful thinking from our intellgiencier, courtesy of those ivory towers of crapademia. Speaking of neanderthals, if someone could just drag Marjorie Taylor Greene back to her cave that would be great. Don’t judge me for that, after all, it’s common Pleistocene behavior. Fine, just tear up a Captain Caveman comic strip somewhere and get it out of your system. Fucking liberals. I know Trump is declaring war on all RINOS and he’s splitting the donations between the GOP and his legal GoFundMe page, but the bottom line is this: the republican party will climb back into its neococoon and will undergo a profound and radical transformation only to emerge once again as something …well, even more radical.
In true bipartisan fashion, President Biden has decided to fulfill at least one QAnon inspired prediction by opening a liberal run, child-sex-trafficking operation out of the basement of Pop’s Pizza in Clifton, NJ. The president hopes this political laurel-leaf will help republicans accept a wildly progressive agenda, not the least of which involves AOC just printing money willy nilly and handing it out to those most undeserving among us. Biden told reporters, “I want to extend universal healthcare to the whole universe, all on the backs of the American entrepreneur. I want it to include illegal aliens, those reptilians, the greys, and those green women Captain Kirk kept banging. Then I’m going to build solar panels on top of wind farms. And I will fund these green monstrosities by taxing the shit out of anyone not driving a Prius or a Tesla. Nuclear facilities will be turned into mall-sized dispensaries, and coal plants will be fumigated and converted into safe spaces for our LGBT communities. Then I’m going to shove Exxon so far up Shell’s ass they will both be thankful they’re petroleum producing companies. Then next week shit’s gonna get progressive.”
Does your neighbor drive a gas-guzzling truck? Do they wear red hats? Do they suspiciously disappear for a couple of hours on Sunday mornings? Do they tend to switch from CNN to Fox News when left unsupervised? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be living next to a Proud Boy or, worse, a republican sympathizer! Wake up, real left-America, and ask yourself were your neighbors really just fishing on January 6th? Please report any potentially conservative activity to your local Safe Space Hall Monitor.
Tongue in cheek or not, we’ve all contemplated purging the MAGA-ranks with some Thanoesque snap of the finger or my Zanoesque equivalent where you just have to market it as the rapture. Two for one, today only! All souls final!
Now that this dark chapter of our country has officially ended, or more accurately begun in earnest, it should be crystal clear how the GOP has created an alternate universe, a place to act out their more basal impulses in the guise of freedom. True to form they continue to contribute nothing, predict nothing, provide excuses for everything and obstruct the rest. More pathetic still is how, when cornered, they either cling to their factoids or flee to their patented all politicians are the problem stance. Biden and his semi-supermajority do represent a different and welcome political chapter, but having so many Americans entrenched in a sociopathic mindset is daunting. As their disorder of choice has blossomed, I warned how it would eventually endanger our republic. Rush Limbaugh’s contributions have not gone unnoticed in this dystopic endeavor and, as for his passing, let’s just say prehensile pundits everywhere have dropped a collective diastolic point today. I still can’t fathom the sheer number of citizens willing to take a stab at psychopathy. Whereas the DSM-V quantifies the anti-social prevalence at about one percent of the population, the GOP represents an astounding thirty-five. So what gives? New studies may add some insights to the terminally insightless.
Cedar Rapids, IA—Earlier today, Iowian native Betty Flood was ‘accidentally’ the recipient of 1.5 million doses of the Pfizer COVID vaccination. While some are calling this injecticide “politically motivated,” others believe this was an attempt by the Biden Administration to appear COVID-competent as they grapple with the logistics of this massive nationwide rollout. An eyewitness claims Mrs. Flood became concerned something was wrong during her five thousandth and twenty-first injection, at which time she was reminded by staff that she was “doing a great thing for America.” One nurse even said not to worry, because “the first million shots were covered under Obamacare.” Shortly before opting out of her health plan and then her life, she told the charge nurse, “Sorry to be a bother, but I was really holding out for Moderna.”
In the interest of combating online and ongoing fake news when posting on social media I started labeling all of my work either ‘opinion’ or ‘satire’. And I am suggesting my friend similarly labels his posts: Factoids Damaging To The Public Discourse. For the latest example, my friend offered his Facebook wisdom entitled: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT but, as most of you are aware, republicans are simply not capable of getting anything straight. They do get louder and wronger and then resort to all caps, which must be part of the ideologically-dying-process. Face it, ‘straight’ is not their forte. Were any of them handed something straight, they’d immediately jump in a centrifuge and drive Plastic Man to a gay bar in South Bend. Stick with your strengths, Poke, which today is more of a crookedy, pretzely chaos-spiral-like-thing. I almost hate to tell him that the four best ‘points’ he’s made during the pandemic can be categorized as a presidential crime, a lie, an impeachable offense, and a seditious act. Who’s going to tell him? Let’s just drop this post in the cue with a scheduled date, and back away slowly…
Watching the foundations of our republic’s recent rumblings evoked some mixed emotions for this blogger. My sister was furious with my dimsurrection day aloofness. On 1/6 I was more about grabbing the popcorn and watching the show than any angst over our flailing democracy. Look, when you warn of an encroaching problem for decades there’s a certain detachment when said problem finally manifests, in this case in bison-shaman form. I must admit to being a little jealous of our organically grown, free-range seditionist. When the day comes that I storm the Bastille—for the good guys, of course—I hope I can pull off a costume half as epic. He certainly exudes a certain approachable vibe; he’s a snazzy charismatic character, a natural leader, and he prefers organic food. More than any republican politician, journalist, or even your average MAGA-citizen, I believe I can don my cape & banana suit combo, sit down with this man, and bridge our epic ideological divide. Zanonon will grant you an audience, well, provided you make bail.
And where’s that progressive agenda we ordered?! There’s only one way to get progressivism rammed through and I am concerned about unity Joe throwing the hail mary.