Saudis: Consulate Dismemberment Ruled Death By Natural Causes

Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.

Awkward Moment As Saudis Dispatch Pompeo Back To Turkey With Bleach And Gloves

Riyadh, SAU—Secretary of State Mike Pompeo asked the world to give Saudi Arabia “just a little more time to hide the body *cough* I mean, find the missing Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Look, I don’t want to talk about any of the facts. They didn’t want to either, because wow that would be awkward.” During the visit, after all the niceties and finger foods (pardon the pun), shit got real. Prince Mohammed bin Salman allegedly handed gloves and bleach to a stunned Pompeo. The above picture is believed to be the last one taken, before our Secretary of State was dispatched to the Saudi consulate in Istanbul for some “light housework and dusting.”

A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’

In 2018 fascism is one of those terms thrust into the heart of the American scheissgeist and Albright’s book on the subject Fascism: A Warning offers a historical overview of when conditions turn toward such tyranny. She personalizes her own family’s account of fleeing Czechoslovakia to stay one step ahead of the Third Reich. Today, the Republicans want to flip the script and paint liberals as the fascists. This is not without precedent, as fascism can come from both sides, as Albright covers Chavez’s antics in Venezuela (take your own HOA for example, a truly bipartisan evil). Conservative’s attempt to cast liberals in the role of the villains today is laughable. Rightwing media keeps harping on recent collegiate instances of safe space speech suppression (SS²). The Republican’s fear of Antifa is overblown, and their own capabilities in this area are greatly minimized. But false equivalencies have always been the conservative’s bread and Buchenwald. Whereas progressives in this country don’t seem to vote for their worst common denominators, conservatives seem hell bent on the practice. Albright’s work equates Fascism to a soup, a soup that requires certain societal ingredients before it starts to simmer. Is it Nazi soup yet in America? There’s certainly a foul odor coming from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. Whether or not our republic has the time to add something a little more Progresso to the mix leaves to be seen.

Did You Get That Presidential ‘Orange Alert’ Text This Week?

Tweet Tower—Did anyone else get that Presidential Alert on your cellphone? I’ve gotten Amber Alerts when kids go missing, and Silver Alerts when the chronologically-challenged wander into the woods, but what the hell is an Orange Alert? Can we block our president from texting me? I blocked FEMA and Homeland Insecurity, but WTF? The actual message from our president was even more disturbing: This is just a text, had this been an actual social media emergency you would have been instructed to ‘like’ or ‘retweet’ the president’s latest psycobabble on twitter #RetweetEmergency. I’m actually not kidding about the Presidential Alert part, so what is this administration preparing for? Oh right, they don’t prepare for stuff. My bad.

Earliest Pumpkin Spice Latte Remains Discovered in Yakima Landfill

Yakima, WA—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lounge, announced the unearthing of the oldest known remains of a pumpkin spice latte under the Terrace Heights Landfill in Yakima, Washington. The remains were excavated at the early Itunes level and carbon-dated to 2003 PB (Post Beyoncé). Dr. Hogbein said, “The original Starbucks recipe was tested in Vancouver, which, geographically speaking, is close enough to suggest we might be looking at a cup from the original batch, or pumpkotype.”

Right Abuse Matters

The whole Kavanaugh debacle is a low point in U.S. politics, but, at this point, let’s acclimate. Sure it’s tough to watch our country’s principles, influence, and relevance wane amidst the lowlights from more of our lowlifes. But make no mistake, this post-truth world will give way to a post-American one. My prediction stands: during Trump’s first term we will have a constitutional crisis, an unnecessary war, and/or an economic collapse (2 out of 3 was the original gambit). A Trump second term will represent the proverbial ‘hat trick’, which would be great were this a hockey game. I can see it now, the ice littered with red hats, thousands of angry uneducated screaming fans, and the ‘beer bottles of freedom’ being hurled at the poor schmuck driving the Zamboni. I can relate to that poor schmuck on the Zamboni. Sorry you missed all this, Poke, while you were too busy earning your doctorate in comparative Benghazi studies.

To Kill A Mocking Slur: Resisting The Resistance

Trump mocked the Dems as they hurled anything and everything at the supreme court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, dart board. No surprise, Zano is sticking by the liberal lies. If it wasn’t the Democratic Party, then who was it that lied to the public about Kavanaugh being a serial gang-rapist? I’m following the evidence, Zano. During prosecutor Rachel Mitchell’s closing segment, she asked, “I’ve been really impressed today because you’ve talked about norepinephrine and cortisol effects of trauma. Have you also educated yourself on the best way to get to memory and truth in terms of interviewing victims of trauma?” Dr. Ford answered, “No.” Mitchell said, “Would you believe me if I told you that there’s no study that says that this setting [the hearing] …is the best way to do that?”

[Laughter.]

Small Closed Casket Ceremony Held For Kavanaugh Confirmation

Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?

Local News Station Broadcasting Yule Log 75 Days Early To Avoid Incessant Kavanaugh Coverage

SpringfieldLocal news station KPRC of Springfield reports being “really done with the whole Kavanaugh thing.” In lieu of the ongoing and continuous coverage of the arduous Supreme Court nomination process, the Channel 2 news team has opted to spread some Christmas cheer a little early. The CEO of KPRC said, “No one wants to hear another word about Brett Kavanaugh’s past, but everyone loves Christmas. So I was like, just cut to that holiday fireplace thingie.”

Splitting Nobel Prize In Physics Triggers Massive Explosion

Oslo, NO—The Nobel Committee’s announcement of two joint winners in physics this year triggered a huge explosion in Oslo today. The  ‘winners’, a man from the U.S. and a woman from Canada, are still missing at this hour and presumed quantumly entangled. The explosion frightened many across a huge swath of the region. Along with some seismic aftershocks the event caused Maxwell’s Demon to shave Schrodinger’s Cat with Ockham’s Razor. “We really had our Bell Theorem rung today,” said Nobel Committee head Lars Slartibartfast. “We never should have thrown a woman into the mix; that’s always a volatile situation. Yeah, we blew some shit up. Live and learn. Next prize goes to a couple of immunologists, so I would take a step out of sneeze droplet-particle range if I were you.”

Top 10 Reasons Republicans Don’t Have Points About Stuff

If you haven’t already, please read my blogvesary’s shortsighted ramblings on liberal shortcomings. Kidding, just read this bit and, like a Motel 6 for the cognizant, we’ll leave the bright on for you. I do agree with two of your points, Poke: 1.) Liberals need a meaningful platform and, 2.) I am now a registered Democrat. These are damning in their own right, but they kind of pale in comparison to the whole brewing Trumpocalypse. As usual, every other line of your last post can be broken down into two camps: ‘False’ or ‘You are referring to a republican created trait/policy/weapon/tactic. Liberals are only now learning to implement this scorched Earth schitznik. Hey, maybe you can help us get better at these political ploys? That would be very sporting of you. Right now we’re like a monkey with a gun …so let’s begun. Sorry.

Top 10 Reasons Democrats Lose Elections To Ass-Clowns

  1. Politicization of the Justice Department. The Dems are ever more eager to use the courts, IRS, DOJ, FBI, and the CIA to defend their interests and attack their political adversaries to serve their political ends. As the evidence of corruption, strategic leaks, lies, and crimes mounts. I’ve heard no Democrat speaking out (and very few news sites reporting) about the political abuses of McCabe, Bruce and Ellies Ohr, Peter Strzok, Lisa Page and others. Many Democrats have come to the defense of these people and their illegal “resistance” to the Trump presidency. Many of us who oppose the Democratic Party realize that justice must not be allowed to be a political issue.

FoxTrots: Safe GOP Food-Delivery Service For Republican Diners

Have you ever been Cruzed or even Huckabeed when trying to enjoy a meal downtown? Do you have a Bush or Trump bumper sticker displayed prominently on your vehicle? Are you a known congressman or senator from The Grand Old Party? Do you put signs on your lawn with a distinctly conservative slant? Do you have a certain red hat in your closet? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, why suffer from public shaming and outright abuse? You too can crawl back into Hannity’s America and still enjoy menu items from hundreds of participating restaurants near you. Why not download our free food-delivery app, FoxTrots, and never have to face a disgruntled liberal snowflake ever again. It’s that easy! Let’s make America eat again.

Trump Discovers Can In Oval Office With String That Leads Into Wall

 

Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the discovery of a very suspicious tin can with a string attached to it in the White House. The can, which the president believes is some type of listening device, was found on his desk in the Oval Office. Perhaps even more disturbing, a string connected to the can disappears into a nearby wall. Those closest to the president believe this incident has only stoked his paranoia. Many in the White House theorize there’s another cup at the end of that string, a cup that many believe rests at the very heart of the deep state.

Top 10 Reasons Trump Will Never Step Down

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By September of 2018, Trump’s even more frantic and reckless as his allies are falling one by one to Mueller, or were fired, or fled of their own volition. The Republicans may well be sacrificing their party on the long term for their loyalty to this dangerous clown. Trump will likely destroy the GOP as more young people register to vote and join the resistance. Yet despite his ongoing attempts to destroy the country, the environment, and his political party, it looks like Trump would rather go down in flames than grab a golden tower parachute.

The Original 25th Amendment To The Constitution Is Missing

Washington—The curator of the National Archives notified The White House today that the 25th Constitutional Amendment has been removed from the museum. Today the amendments go from the 24th directly to the 26th. According to the curator of the National Archives, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, the document was wiped from the records and the amendment itself, signed by the 89th Congress in 1967, is missing. Dr. Hogbein said, “The document disappeared sometime over the weekend, and all references to the amendment itself were removed from the Library of Congress via a search/replace Word feature. The document must have been smuggled out, so someone please check Sandy Berger’s pants.” The missing 25th Amendment allows for a sitting president to be impeached if deemed an “ass-clown”. Many are calling the timing of this incident ‘suspicious’. 

ANTIFA Claims Responsibility For Hurricane Maria’s Inflated Death Toll!

San Jaun, PR—The liberal fascist group known as ANTIFA is claiming responsibility for the vast majority of deaths contributed to Maria, a category four hurricane that struck President Trump’s twitter feed last September. In an effort to inflate the number of deaths, which stands at nearly 3,000, an ANTIFA sleeper cell woke up and started unhooking old people’s oxygen and raiding the last of their supplies. The head of ANTIFA’s operation in Puerto Rico, who is also named Antifa, said, “If they had some soup left, we ate the soup. If they were taking meds, we sold the meds. During the clean up we even dragged some of the trees back onto the roadways. Oh, and, when we were tallying those killed by the storm, we counted by 12s. It got hard eventually, because 12s are hard to count by. We estimate that the storm itself was only responsible for a couple of dozen deaths, aka two, but we were able to inflate that number in a big way through some good old fashioned liberal nastiness.”