Washington, DC—Elizabeth Warren admitted to the press today that when Vice President Joe Biden asked her to be his running mate, “Shit got a little weird.” Biden is considering Warren as a potential running mate, but he chose to pop the question to her amidst his own raucous Hawaiian-themed nudist pot party.
The released photo, above, has many believing this ticket is already dead on arrival. When Elizabeth Warren was questioned about her fashion faux pa, a hand shaped bra, she said, “Look, I either get a bra with Biden’s hands already fondling me, or I have to contend with the genuine article. I was choosing the lesser of two evils. For the next party I just need to CYA, if you follow.”
The Discord is falling a bit short of endorsing Hillary Clinton. Truth be told I am not Ready For Hillary, nor am I convinced Bernie Sanders can win the general election. So here I sit in no-candidate land, Biden my time. Voting for Hillary seems a tad masochistic to me, thus the Death Star imagery. Sure it’s entertaining to watch The GOP implode, but 2016 is by no means a gimme for the Dems, nor is a Hillary Administration necessarily the best thing for America. The republican base is small but rabid, so approach Trump’s comb-over hair-weave thing with caution. As we approach this election cycle, Dems also beware as the S.S. Hillary is listing to port:
“This incessant republican witch hunt, coupled with a personality that makes John Kerry seem like that Dos Equis guy, could be a death knell for the Clinton candidacy.”
New York, NY—Bipartisanship is currently rampant on Capitol Hill. The 114th Congress is starting to coalesce around some key Donald-related-issues. Republicans are motivated to derail the Trump candidacy and Democrats just want to put an end to the incessant Trump-induced nausea (ITIN). John Cornyn, R-Texas, said, “If we all work together, not only could we kill this abomination of a campaign, but we could end the queasiness associated with Trump’s voice. Look, this job is sickening enough without the gorge-rising antics of The Trumpster. I only want to vomit the way Lord Reagan envisioned, after stripping government funding from those most in need.”
Diverting flame retardant from California onto The Donald’s face is not without its critics. “I want Trump to shut the F-up as much as the next guy,” said Congressman Adam Schiff, D-CA, “but that retardant could have saved homes in the town of Weed, CA, or even saved weed in the town of Homes, CA.”
Salt Lake City, UT—Since the Boy Scouts of America’s decision to allow openly gay children into their fold, the Mormon Church threatened to outright sever relations. After lengthy negotiations rivaling the State Department’s Iran deal, the two organizations have reached an agreement. Mormons are allowed to enrich uranium for peaceful purposes, provided they allow the international community to inspect their magic underwear. Wait, what?
As the number of craft breweries in the U.S. climbs to 3,500, psychologists are taking note of a developing phenomenon. Studies suggest craft beer drinkers are having less sex. Mick Zano may hold to his man-boob phytoestrogen theory, here, but I think there’s something else lingering in the air.