Wife of Indian Man Struck And Killed by Meteorite Suing Asteroid Belt For Wrongful Death

Beautiful-Indian-Cute-Housewife-In-Sky-Color-Saree-Bevapphasakjnam.com-Vellore, INLast week without warning or provocation a meteorite slammed into the Earth, killing one and injuring three. Rayja Sinhi told reporters today she plans to sue the entire asteroid belt for her husband’s death. “We must send a clear message to all radicalized space rocks,” said Mrs. Sinhi. “I won’t be satisfied until the asteroid belt is downgraded to the Great Cosmic Dust Patch!”

There is mounting fear in the U.S. that the incident may represent the first wave of similarly homicidal cosmic debris. Senator John Q. Repulican told reporters today, “We should fear both the lone-wolf-style attack as well as instances when they organize into more formidable meteor showers. We need to fight them in the dark, cold void of space, so we won’t have to fight them here on Earth. When I’m President I will force Mexicans to build a giant wall around the stratosphere itself to protect American interests. If that Hindu fella’ was carrying a concealed weapon, this might have ended very differently. This is why I am proposing we expand existing Stand Your Impact-Crater laws in my state. I don’t want giant circles pocking up my square state. It reminds me of a Roger Daltrey quote, ‘Look again, rock is dead.'”

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Utah’s Eerie Peery Hotel: The Ghost Of Mormons Past

image 1The Peery Hotel is a groovy old western hotel located near the heart of downtown Salt Lake City. What’s even better is how it’s a stone’s throw away from Squatters and Red Rock Brewery. I know, because after they threw me out I think I was able to hit both of them from my hotel window. This is my second trip to SLC and, whereas the city was better equipped to deal with me this time, I don’t think it was so much my improved behavior as their improved beer laws…which still suck. The ghost investigation was among the most intense team S.T.Q. has ever experienced, but mostly due to the aforementioned shitty beer laws (SBLs @ SLC?).

Cruz’s “Trapped In Box” Performance Wows New Hampshire Voters

Ted Cruz
Nashua, NH—Just days before the New Hampshire Primaries, Senator Ted Cruz strayed from the usual stump speech and broke into a dazzling mime act. He thrilled scores of Republican primary voters with his performance of: “Invisible border wall, built by Mexicans.” He then swung into a rousing rendition of: “Man trapped under crushing federal deficits.” Cruz then took a break from the action, which consisted of drinking from a cup of imaginary water, before resuming with: “Man walking against wind of Islamic extremism” and “Shrinking government and then drowning it in bathtub.” Then for his grand finale he performed a masterful: “Man climbing out from under overwhelming government regulation.”

We The Discord, In Order To Form A More Perfect Onion

constitutionzanonMLI’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for the middle school debate final. I think if you asked them to define Glass-Steagall, they’d say, “Isn’t that the department store across from Macy’s?” They have a few prepared talking points—rehearsed in front of a mirror with an air guitar, no doubt—and then they insert these gems randomly into the discourse. It’s like listening to someone with Tourette’s contract encephalitis during a brain fart.

“Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right, and when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable.”

This is a response to the article: It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration.

It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration

pokeyMLYou have nerve ridiculing the Republican primary process, Zano. You want to sound like you’re backing Bernie Sanders until he might actually win and then you start back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong in a sharknado. “But I danno if Sanders is electable in the general election.” Boo hoo. This is code for Closeted Hillary Supporter (CHS). Last year, I thought the election would come down to a stale contest between ‘Clinton v Bush.’ The Republicans have at least rejected a return to the past, yet Hillary Clinton remains the Dem darling. How is that progressive? Speaking of Progressive, my  dream ticket is Flo and that guy from those Sonic commercials. Now they could really bring back America…with Freedom fries.

Could Eastwood’s Empty Chair Get The VP Nod?

clinteastwoodandthechairTampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 Republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from Republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint Eastwood help Mitt Romney lose the 2012 general election. Since its controversial debut in Tampa Bay, the chair fell out of the spotlight. It eventually ended up in a rundown apartment in Sarasota where the chair spent the last few years as a recluse. It was rarely seen in public unless more than three guests arrived for meals or card games.

The Avenger? Iowa May Yet Bern, Baby, Bern

berniecaptnamericaML

Bernie Sanders has a crowd in Iowa right now that looks like a Beatles concert with Led Zeppelin opening. On the eve of the Iowa Caucuses and this incredibly important election I can’t help but think, what the hell is a caucus? I could Wiki this shit, but the NHL All Star game is about to start. I really don’t understand Iowa either. I’ve driven through it a couple of times…you know, to get to more primary states (badum, bump). Right now, I have to admit I’m scared blogless. I never wanted Hillary to be the Democratic nominee, but Bernie may not have the necessary independent appeal to win a general election. If Bloomberg enters the race, we could be facing a Republican supermajority and then, promptly, a failed state. That’s fine if you’re into that kind of thing. Banana Republican? Many believe the mindset of our country is essentially, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!” I think what best captures our current Scheissgeist is more like, “We’re all dumb as hell and…look, a squirrel!”

Presidential Field So Chaotic Dr. Evil Considering Independent Run

drevilprezMLSecret Moon Base—After much consideration, the notorious Dr. Evil is considering a run for the highest office in the land. He is mainly joining the race because he believes the current frontrunners are all “A-holes”. Price is apparently no object for the super villain as he told the press today he is prepared to spend “gazillions” of dollars on his presidential aspirations. Dr. Evil said, “I will fund my own campaign, because you don’t want to see an evil genius tied to a lobbyists. It’s not fricken’ pretty.” He then personally thanked the “little people” for passing Citizens United and added, “Who do I make the check out to?”

Trump Picasso Portrait Deemed Forgery!

Trump_PicassoML

Paris, FR—Shortly after Trump’s unveiling a team of experts deemed the portrait “a complete fraud.” They were immediately suspicious of Donald Trump’s claim this was a portrait painted by Picasso himself. During a press conference, The Donald made several statements that raised questions about the painting’s authenticity. “Many years ago I commissioned Picasso to complete a self-portrait of myself. He did it, because the artists love me! They love me.”

Michigan Gov. Unveils Plan To Build Titanic Brita Flinter System

Goetsch - Winckler House (1939) Okemos, Michigan, interior view, Usonian houseFlint, MI—Two years ago the city of Flint, Michigan shifted to a more fiscally sound and sustainable water supply. Unfortunately lead has now completely contaminated the water supply as well as the people themselves. The Governor of Michigan, Rick Snyder, is now scrambling to fix the situation and minimize the health toll. At a town hall meeting, Governor Snyder proposed the construction of a giant Brita Tower. He explained, “I have found a way to make this happen. By getting Mexicans to build this thing, we can create this important filtration unit, lower taxes, and then permanently deport the illegal workers to Lansing. It’s win win win!”

Blizzard Update: Man In E3 Waiting Until Chick in E4 Finishes Watching All 49 Episodes of American Horror Story Before “Making Move”

4-2a1Bloomfield, NJ—Amidst the recent east coast blizzard, 26-year-old tenant of Crestridge Apartments E3, Kyle Gustafson, has a plan to “finally hit on that girl in E4.” The plan, which many are calling ‘stupid’, involves his waiting until she watches all 49 episodes of American Horror Story on Netflix. There are so many problems with Mr. Gustafson’s plan, not the least of which is: Netflix is offering 51 episodes, not 49.