Allman Brothers Dedicate ‘Ramblin’ Man’ To President Trump’s Latest Press Conference

Tweet Tower—Did you listen to that entire press conference? It was like reading Lord of the Rings backwards. We must get the One Coherent Thought from Mt. Doom back to that pub in the Shire! At this rate by 2020 the GOP can just legislate by scribbling their laws on the walls of a truck stop restroom. Maybe Betsy DeVos can do some in-house Sharpie corrections, or, in this case, outhouse. The rightwing brain trusts are somehow defending this new brand of regal gibberish. “Boy, he really showed them, didn’t he!” Yes. He showed them what a fucking idiot he is. It was like watching a kid with ADD trying to give a lecture on quadratic equations in a strip club. The hodgepodge of tangential falsehoods came at a such dizzying speed that Trump’s lucky he didn’t break the clown barrier. The heads of our poor fact-checkers must have been spinning faster than a pole dancer on an 8-ball. Fine, I’m writing this at a strip club. Sue me …Trump probably will.

Scientist To Clone Just Enough Dinosaur Meat To Put In Taco

Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the proposal are concerned about a Jurassic Park-style incident occurring at the facility. Dr. Hogbein has since downplayed the possibility of this scenario. “What part of cloning ‘just enough dinosaur meat to put in taco’ do you no comprende?” said Dr. Hogbein. “So you think some ground chuckosaursus may end up roaming around my island? Or maybe a pterotacosaur is going to flap over to the mainland to start a taco-breeding population? This is about eating them, people, with shredded cheddar and some salsa.”

Group Of Teenagers Admit To Summoning President Trump During Ouija Game

Burlington, VT—Sixteen-year-old Trent Drury admitted earlier today how he and two of his friends are responsible for summoning the current president from the nether realms. The boy told reporters, “Sorry everyone, we really didn’t think it would work. We thought Ouija was just a another game like Monopoly, Clue or that Evil Dead book made from human flesh. We want people to know what really happened, because the electoral college thing just isn’t a plausible explanation.  We are hoping now Mr. Trump can be properly impeached, or at least exorcised.”

Voting For Trump Was Not A Protest Vote, Pokey, But More Of A 50 Shades Of Neville Chamberlain Kind Of Thing

Fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had some thoughtful comments after my last feature—blatantly wrong, but thoughtful. At one point he implied how either a Trump or a Sanders vote signified a vote against the establishment. Whereas that is certainly true on some level, it’s like confusing apples to orangutans. Those two politicians represent either end of the political and evolutional spectrum. It’s like comparing the 21st century politics to the dark ages, or Usain Bolt to Slowpoke Rodriquez, or Bowie to Bieber (gasp).  Whereas a Sanders wouldn’t dream of breaking the rule of law, Trump will break everything, including wind. Shart of the Deal?

Airbnb To Begin Renting Space In Trump-Cabinet Empty Suits

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky told the Discord today that his company is in direct negotiations with the White House. The most successful peer-to-peer home rental company is now trying to partner with government for what they are describing as some prime unoccupied real estate. “When we think Trump appointees, we envision a lot of space,” said Chesky, “so why not start renting this shit out? When someone says empty spaces the first thought is Dr. Ben Carson, well, besides that Floyd song. As the head of the housing authority, renting out Dr. Carson’s empty suit might be a conflict of interest. Then I had that aha moment. Betsy DeVos’ paint suit represents cheap temporary lodging for all kinds of young adults who will no longer be in high school.

Linguists Abandon ‘Shitshow’ In Quest For Better Word To Describe 21st Century GOP: Miraculousy? Shartaclysmic?

Taos, NM—Wordsmith and linguistics guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, unveiled his latest endeavor to search for a word that epitomizes today’s conservative party. Dr. Hogbein told reporters today, “I was having some Ramen noodles the other day when, on a whim, I added a dash of Emeril’s spice, Essence. I then proceeded to spill the entire steaming bowl onto my groin. That’s when I thought, the word ‘shitshow’ no longer captures the essence of today’s conservatism! We need a new word! Then I called 911 and promptly sued Emeril Lagasse.”

Seven Nation Harmy? Seattle Judge Who Halted Trump’s Muslim Ban Mysteriously Assassinated In Drone Strike

Seattle, WA—The White House is denying any involvement in the drone strike assassination of a Seattle Federal Judge. The judge in question, and now in pieces, Judge James “Rowdy” Robart, entered an order on Friday forbidding federal agents to enforce Trump’s seven-country immigration ban on the grounds it’s “really fucking stupid.” Less than 24 hours later Judge Rowdy was blasted apart in an incident that was initially reported as a radical meteor, spontaneous judicial combustion, or a fart-lighting incident gone horribly astray.

A Sociopathic President With An Abby Normal Brain? Buy Stock In Pitchforks & Torches

When I refer to President Trump as a sociopath that gives us some idea how he may govern and, eventually, un-govern. A narcissist like Trump will not handle defeat lightly, bigly unlightly. Trump’s response to his own immanent failure will likely be catastrophic. Some key psych peeps out there disagree with me on this one. What?! This farcissistic spoofy-o-path won’t tolerate dissent! George W. Bush was just incompetent, but Trump represents a diagnostical and diabolical downgrade (DDD). I didn’t think even our right-leaning friends could miss all the clues associated with this guy’s unhingedness. Kidding, each news cycle they miss more clues than Inspector Clouseau on a fentanyl drip. If you remain a 21st century Republican, you have to ask yourself the age old Zano question: do I just come to the wrong conclusion about every issue on Earth on my own, or have I had help? You need to understand, your party has become an anti-intellectual, delusional movement that mimics a form of mental illness. As a collective you are only slighly healthier than your president. I’ve been discussing the personality disorder aspect inherent in the modern GOP for well over a decade now. From an emotional perspective you’re only slightly healthier than those Kool-Aid drinking Jim Jonesers, or those folks who tried to board that passing comet in the 90s. Hale-GOPP? Kidding, those peeps were at least savvy enough to leave Earth, pre-Donald.

Trump Signs Law Officially Severing Last Ties Between His Political Party And Reality

Tweet Tower—President Donald J Trump has signed a bill officially separating the GOP from any and all connection to this reality. Many on the right are calling this move Earthxit. Republicans argue this will not change how they govern as they maintain they’ve been successfully ignoring reality since early 2002. Kellyanne Conway explains, “An alternate reality is the same place where alternate facts reside, so now everything will match perfectly. I think that’s why the rest of the world rose up against President Trump last Saturday, because they just don’t understand the important alternate reality we’ve created through incessant bullshit. Even data can be manipulated to express this new reality, mostly just by turning any graphs upside down. And for no additional cost to the tax payer, I might add.”