Dear Republicans, You Are No Longer Questioning Authority, You Are Questioning Reality

My friend’s denial of GOP incompetence is something for the ages, isn’t it? The Republican false narrative is as constant as the Northern Bar. Bad example; I’m barred. As we anxiously watch this president test the limits of our checks and balances, my friend continues to ignore this in favor of squatting on a mushroom to contemplate his navel. I don’t remember voting for stuff pre-1913, Pokey, but I do remember distinctly not voting for a Republican in my adult lifetime. Although your last history lesson was well-crafted, it doesn’t excuse your voting record. Whereas Republican atrocities are measurable, liberal atrocities remain theoretical. And you’re calling me out for sweeping generalizations? Whereas I link back to studies, data, graphs, and earlier predictions, you keep citing far-right, alt-right, termite, anti-erudite, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and …Methodists!

The Battle For Small Government Started Long Before Newt Gingrich And Fox News

Whenever Zano starts characterizing my positions as “garbage” or throwing out sweeping generalizations, you can be sure he’s sidestepping the heart of my argument. Let me begin by peeling away at some of the peripheral issues so that we can work our way back into the core of our debate. Sure, under President Obama’s administration oil and gas drilling did significantly expand, and to characterize his policy as “anti-oil” would be overly simplistic. However, I did check with the Sustainable Energy in America Factbook put out by the Business Council for Sustainable Energy and Bloomburg New Energy Finance, and I learned that in 2017, 18% of the total amount of U.S. energy came from renewable sources (up from 15% in 2016). While the economy steadily expanded, the total U.S. consumption of energy actually declined in 2017 by 0.2%. I could find no stats from 2018. This suggests that Trump’s policies have not had a harmful effect on renewable energies so perhaps they have even had a positive impact.

Progressivism Is The Incremental Normalization Of Insanity V Republicanism Is A Shit Sandwich With A Side Of Freedom Fries

My blogvesary has ramped up the rhetoric as of late and, whereas I do enjoy our debates over the years, we are symptoms of a greater problem. We really aren’t hearing each other anymore. On that note, let’s start off with an agreement. Looking at AOCs emergence as a key voice there is certainly concern future progressives may not look before they legislate. Having said that, the GOP is already in four point restraints with an ass full of Haloperidol. Let the debate begin!

Mixed Messages? North Korea Gifts Trump A Speak & Spell

Tweet Tower—The White House is viewing North Korean President Kim Jong Un’s recent present as a “positive diplomatic development”, despite the controversial nature of the gift itself. The Supreme Leader of NK sent the White House a Speak & Spell, which the president seems to “really be enjoying in lieu of any and all intelligence briefings and his usual presidential duties.”

FDA Approves New Genius Pill! One Tablet At Bedtime, Or Fifteen If You’re A Trump Supporter

A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.

Immigration Reform: Seeking Asylum Vs Those Seeking An Asylum

Trump Wall Prototypes

Immigration reform is a problem that deserves a solution and one that keeps us safe and reflects our values at our border towns, brothels, and beyond—not to mention those bathroom stores. Here’s where I agree with my friend and blogvesary: a liberal plan for border security is empty if Dems aren’t serious about comprehensive immigration reform. Some of their hesitancy is, no doubt, tied to a lack of political will for fear of alienating voters. And this is where our agreement begins and ends. Everything else the right side of the aisle is the usual blend of bloviational hyperbole and methane (BHM). Amplifartcation? Lest we forget how Republican reform, not immigration reform, is the number one issue on the docket. But here’s a breakdown of the problem and the solution:

Heavily Redacted Mueller Document Points To Daily Discord Wrongdoing

Flagstaff, AZ—On the heels of the Buzzfeed debacle and after a Limony Snickets level of bad reporting, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has turned his soulless eye toward the antics of the The Daily Discord. Despite the fact our own website’s wrongdoing remains clouded in the Special Counsel’s nebulous draconian secrecy, Rachel Maddow spent twenty five awkward minutes covering the story. For this feature, which arrived with next to no information, she danced entirely around two of the only three non-redacted words in the entire court document. She would not utter the words ‘midget porn’ or ‘with a melon’ on prime time television, so her entire segment focused on the words ‘beer pong’ and its tortured link to the Russia probe. Many, including this reporter, found her Maddowmandering, “even more excruciating than usual.” The piece was so annoying, three out of four Discord staffers are believed to have switched to Hannity’s America.  

Wind Chill Reaches Trump-Melania Levels In Parts Of The Midwest

Chicagoland—The polar vortex is causing artic winds to dip into the heartland and further destroy the average Minnesotans chances of meeting someone this January. The President has declared his marriage a state of emergency and is using the excuse to shut the government down again, so he can head to Mar a Lago for some golf and hookers #NotInThatOrder.

Zano’s Journal: “There Are So Many Deserving Of Retribution And So Little Time”

If you want to know what happens when a society shifts rightward just turn on Alan Moore’s alternate timeline Watchmen and have someone punch you in the nuts. Then when someone asks Who Watches the Watchmen? you can say, “I do”, in a really high squeaky voice. Shortly after joining congress, Alexandria Oscia-Cortez channeled some Rorschach: “I am not locked in here with YOU! You’re locked in here with MEEE!!” Life mimics art and, according to Moore, art is knowing when you don’t need to be a hero anymore. On that note I’ve been wrestling with the prospect of throwing in the WordPress towel, or at least shifting The Discord’s focus to my other hobby interest, Australian rules cross stitch. Politics in America rivals Arkham Asylum’s worst day. I’ve predicted many things, some decades in advance, but what’s the point? Who on either side of the aisle can follow the narrative for five minutes, let alone five years anymore? A certain Nicholson quote comes to mind. Alexandria Oscia-Cortez is a woman full of hopes, dreams and a breathtaking naivety. Do I hope she shanks the right people and dumps some hot grease in the face of injustice? Yes. Do I think it’s more likely she’ll just become a clarion call for the right-wing media in their mindless quest to elect their next republic-ending deplorable? Yes. Do any of you understand this or even care to? Sure, her unabashed liberalism is endearing, but her lack of a firm grasp on today’s issues is frightening. Despite this fact, three of four Dems would support this babe-in-the-woods for president. I predicted long ago the backlash to Republican ignorance would create a disturbingly similar liberal version. Tonight, a comedian from NY died on stage at the South-side Tavern. Somebody knows why …somebody knows.

Expellignoramus? Hogwarts Students Cast Protection Spells Around Capitol Building To Keep Out Walldedrumpf

Tweet Tower—The government shutdown may be over, but the battle for Capitol Hill over the State of the Union address is just beginning. The scheduled speech is approaching and a standoff between the president and the Speaker of the House looms large. Despite the Federal Government resuming its operations, Speaker Pelosi is maintaining her position that the White House should deliver SOTU somewhere else. Her office made several recommendation for a more appropriate venue such as Chucky Cheese’s, Motel 6, or DC’s labyrinth-like sewer system. President Trump has also ratcheted up is rhetoric on twitter: “Maybe I’ll just show up, Nancy. I have the military. I have the Secret Service. You’ve got, like, what, two dudes? We can take them out in, like, two seconds What are you going to do about it? #TakingTheHill!!” Speaker Pelosi has since reached out to the headmaster of Hogwarts Academy for Wizards for protection.

Hey, Those Trump Wall Donation Bricks Are Starting To Arrive!

Tweet Tower—President Trump is pleased to announce his donation brick challenge is already netting some hard results, literally. Bricks from brick-heads all over the heartland are arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of one day helping to keep dangerous murderers and rapists from entering the United States illegally. Recently the president reached directly to his concrete base to ask them to send him individually donated wall bricks with an emphasis on trying to get their Mexican neighbors to pay for them. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told reports today, “The president couldn’t be happier with the Mexican bricks arriving in the mail. We are especially happy to receive any bricks not shipped via Amazon. The White House is also excited to announce Ivanka’s new “She’s a Brick House” women’s apparel line as well as Scott Baio’s new Jethro Tull collaboration, Thick as a Scott Baio.

Help! I’m Done With The Endless Dinner Conversations With Zero Republican Insight In Sight

My family doesn’t discuss politics anymore, which has become the new normal for many American households. A few conversations did skirt along the edge of relevance this yule time, which has become a bit of a holiday ho-ho no-no. This endless family ‘debate’ has spanned decades, resolves nothing, and invariably dances around anything resembling meaningful discourse. Sound familiar? Republicans certainly have the right to be politically stunted and we all hope they earn their GOP-GED someday, but I can no longer support their ongoing misappropriation of reason. It’s time you all understood just how hard it’s been for the rest of us to decipher exactly why you think the way you do, and—despite the mounting political, economic and human carnage—why your neurological affliction is only worsening.

Ask your doctor if Factchekzia is right for you.

Here’s what I have learned of the larger patterns of this endless argument:

Trump Holds Emergency Summit With Actors Who Portrayed Presidents In Film

Tweet Tower—After President Trump’s recent proposal to end the government shutdown failed to budge key Democrats, the president has called for an emergency meeting with all the best actors who have portrayed presidents in film. Our commander in chief understands the very real tension between himself and the majority of Hollywood, but in a presidential tweet he implored them to set aside their difference for the ‘greater great’. Trump asked each of them in the midst of this self-induced crisis to discuss the very real role he must play in the days and weeks to come. The president tweeted: I know some of you don’t get how great I am, but this is important!! And there’s still McDonald’s leftovers from that Clemson thing! #McLeftovers.  

UK’s Theresa May Brought In To Mediate Shutdown

Washington—President Trump has just made a major announcement. The United Kingdom’s embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has agreed to meditate the debate on border security here in the U.S. in the hopes of reopening the federal government. President Trump thanked the Prime Minister upon her arrival and told reporters, “Now we have two of the best negotiators in the world in the same place, so in my opinion the wall is all but built and the government is all but reopen #WallInTheFamily.”

Furloughed TSA Worker Not Even Trying To Find Drugs Up Man’s Rectum

Chicago—The ongoing shutdown is impacting millions of Americans and the willingness of the unpaid masses to keep performing their critical roles is waning. TSA agent Harry Stiles is one man who’s bearing the brunt of this political impasse. Word came in yesterday that an individual was smuggling enough heroin on his person to fund Trump’s team of attorneys for an entire year, but Mr. Stiles is starting to have a shutdown problem of his own. He agreed to speak to The Discord only under the condition he could remain fictional. “This week I started patting down one leg and the person’s alternate arm. Next week I’m going with my ‘every other person pat down’ policy and if this shit drags on into February I’m initiating Operation Wild Wild West.”

Kids Totally Deface Iconic Southwest During Shutdown

The Southwest—The lack of supervision during the government shutdown has triggered an unprecedented wave of criminal mischief across our national parks and monuments. Numerous reports are coming in that scores of juvenile delinquents have officially wrecked the southwest. Park rangers claim rattle snakes are being forced into clog-removing snake labor, whole canyons are being backfilled, and cactuses across our deserts are being humped and molested outright. There’s even reports coming in that the town of Sedona is now overrun with snooty, New Agey types. No, wait …that part’s normal.

Twitter Threatens To Oust Trump Over Shutdown: Trump Caves 17 Minutes Later #EndedTheShutdown

Tweet Tower—President Trump ended the government shutdown 17-minutes after Twitter announced it would be closing the president’s account. The company also informed the president that it relies heavily on indirect government funding to remain a leading social media platform #GovFundMe. Upon hearing the news, several White House staffers claim the president frantically tried to log onto his Facebook account. This ended minutes later with a Presidential Zuckerberg-Related Tirade (PZRT) that could be heard clear to the Washington Monument. The president then cursed all of the Facebook founder’s children and his childrens’ childrens’ children, before opting to bailout twitter and end the shutdown.

Experts Warn If Shutdown Persists Government Will Only Start Again If Pushed Down Steep Hill

Tweet Tower—President Trump’s ghoulish adviser, Stephen Miller, is warning the world that if the president’s demands for wall funding are ignored any longer, the government may not start again in the traditional fashion. He told the press today the president may have to use an executive order to ‘pop the clutch’, or ‘Trump-start’ the nation to get it running properly. Some theorize this could be accomplished by pushing the government down a steep hill. The White House has not confirmed that it’s considering the hill over on 13th street by Columbia Heights. “This is unchartered territory,” said  Miller. “We should probably just meet the president’s demands on this one. Why take the chance that our country’s brakes could fail?”