Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
August 27, 2014
TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS • THE PERRY INDICTMENT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT, BESIDES WE NEED A PERRY PRESIDENTIAL RUN...IF NOT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR COMEDY! • I BELIEVE THAT THE "ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE" SHOULD ONLY BE MET IN WHITE T-SHIRTS AND NO BRA • THE MOST CONSERVATIVE CITY IN U.S. IS MESA ARIZONA • IN RELATED NEWS: THE BIGGEST SHITHOLE IN ARIZONA IS MESA • MOST LIBERAL TOWN IN ARIZONA IS FLAGSTAFF • BEST TOWN IN ARIZONA...UH, GUESS •
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Buddhist Geeks
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Kallisti Publishing
Discord CEO Moves All Reporters Into a 1957 Winnebago
By Alex Bone
Discord CEO Moves All Reporters into a 1957 Winnebago
Alex Bone

Rest Area outside of Bullhead City—In an effort to cut expenses and help fund his second home in Bermuda, CEO Pierce Winslow has moved the entire Discord reporting staff into the old Winnebago his grandmother left him. No less than a dozen reporters, six children, eight significant others, eleven cats, four dogs, twenty-six snakes, a full bar with keggerator, an eight-foot statue of Yig and seventeen cubic-feet of crawdad traps will be living and working from a space roughly the size of Winslow’s guest’s guest bathroom.


Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
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This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.
This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel "unfortunate collateral damage." President Perry went on to say, "There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan "Israeli genocide"—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3.... ah ...umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking."


Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
By Alex Bone
Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
Alex Bone

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.


Flagstaff’s McMillan Pub: the Good, the Bad, and the Zano
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This is a review of a place I already love, but don’t get too excited—that usually means I ask for a set of keys, drink all your beer and then throw an endless house warming party for myself. This pub already evokes both a resounding Hear! Hear!, as well as a simultaneous what the hell were you people thinking! I am either off my bipolar meds again, or watching Colbert’s "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger." Stay tuned for a glorious rant, done out of love.


Malaysia Unveils Plans for New Global Rail System
Malaysia Unveils Plans for new Global Rail System

Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated "Bus Off the Island" initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.


I’m Not Joining the Discord, Zano, so Kindly Fuck Off!
By Dan Sutton
Dan Sutton

Zano’s been harassing me to join this rag for years. It’s not that I don’t like the Discord, I just don’t like Zano. So NO! I won’t do it! I have standards, not good ones but standards nevertheless. I sent this anti-republican rant to him with explicit guidelines, to summarize: so help me, Zano, I will drive from L.A. to fucking Flagstaff myself if you try to turn this into a Discord article!

Rand's Brand Banned in Fox Land
Rand's Brand Banned in Fox Land
 
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Another Controversial Discord Ad
Another Controversial Discord Ad, For this one, we immediately called the Ross Foundation and turned ourselves in
For this one, we immediately called the Ross Foundation and turned ourselves in
 
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Putting the 'Fun' Back Into Fundamentalism
Putting the 'Fun' Back into Fundamentalism
 
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Orson Calling Mork: Orken Spacecraft Surround Earth!
Orson Calling Mork: Orken Spacecraft Surround Earth! “Mankind must return body of Mork or face utter annihilation,” — Orson
“Mankind must return body of Mork or face utter annihilation,”
— Orson
 
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Obama Asks Bush About That Mission Accomplished Banner
Obama asks Bush About that Mission Accomplished Banner
 
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Lauren Bacall, Best Known for Her Role in Scooby-Doo: the Goblin King, Is Dead at 89
Lauren Bacall, Best Known for Her Role in Scooby-Doo: The Goblin King, is Dead at 89
 
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Homer's Touching Tribute to Robin Williams
Homer's Touching Tribute to Robin Williams, Followed by Groening/Discord Lawsuit
Followed by Groening/Discord Lawsuit
 
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Dated Discord
Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
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Negativity Bias, Interpersonal Circumplexes, and Other Political Psychobabble
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Today we cover more of the psychological dysfunction behind modern day republicanism. Granted, today’s liberals aren’t particularly healthy, but the bigger story remains the GOP’s mega cognitive dissonance (MCD). It’s so thick you can cut it with a knife, but I wouldn’t try that! Remember those stand-your-ground laws? The Discord’s chief psychologist, Dr. Kwela Juluka, will be weighing in so to borrow a line from Fareed, let’s get smarted.


Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle
Another Shopper Vanishes into the Bloomingdale Triangle

Manhattan, NY—The Bloomingdale Triangle has claimed yet another victim. 28-year old Jackie Fayette of Jersey City left with a handful of her boyfriend’s credit cards Saturday and slipped into what has come to be known as a Retail Vortex.  This vortex reaches a sizeable chunk of Manhattan Island, from Macy’s on 34th Street up to Saks Fifth Avenue and then due south to Bloomingdales.

Ancient Cosmopolitan theorist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, believes the Bloomingdale Triangle is a tear in the Bank/Credit continuum caused by something known as quantum shopping. "When someone becomes so focused on spending, without any regard for budgeting or credit limits, they essentially can create a temporary warp in financial space/time, or a shopularity," said Dr. Hogbein.  "Once a person hits that last unsustainable purchase, they have reached the point of ‘absolutely no returns’, which is more of a store policy than an actual law of physics." Once this occurs a person can slip forever into what Dr. Hogbein terms the misspent horizon, or a Black Friday Hole.


Artificial Self-Esteem Bolstering for Dummies
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Data collected from a recent questionnaire given to freshmen college students suggests the self-esteem of our nation’s young people is rising, while their merits and achievements are steadily declining. Consider the implications: increased self-esteem accompanied by decreased test scores and marketable skills equals...well, just peruse the better part of the Daily Discord contributor list.


Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots
Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord field reporter Cokie McGrath has interviewed a homeless person who believes he is the first human to have met a new race of alien Bigfoots. He believes society is in grave danger and that he alone holds the key to fend off Parmageddon. Yes, he said Parmageddon, because he believes the aliens are after our Italian cheeses. The man agreed to release his full name, Jesus Christ, during an exclusive Discord interview.

The gentleman agreed to answer three of Cokie’s questions, per 40-oz malt liquor product. We did not receive any of the emergency funds supposedly wired to us via our CEO, Pierce Winslow, for this purpose, so we were only able to scrounge up enough cash to get three questions answered. The first question was unfortunately wasted by asking the man if he wanted St. Ides or Schlitz, but Cokie’s second question is why she remains at the top of her game.

He replied, "No, I have my own brown bag."

Yes, this was going badly.  But the third question would forever change team Search Truth Quest’s understanding of cryptid primates, alien abductions, as well as Flagstaff’s strict open container laws.


The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
By Alex Bone
The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
Alex Bone

Lilly Ponds, AZ—The crawdad menace is finally subsiding. For the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds, an area near the top of Sycamore Canyon—well, as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.


Immigrant Children Transformed Into Renewable Energy Source
Immigrant Children Transformed into Renewable Energy Source

McAllen, TX—As thousands of children pour over the U.S. border from Mexico each news cycle, some believe with misery comes opportunity, green opportunity. The folks at Discord Solar, Inc. insist that the sun's energy can be captured to generate electricity through a system of interconnected child immigrants in a new process known as Solar Babies.

When many voiced their concerns about heat-related health issues and dangerous conditions, CEO Pierce Winslow said, "We have doctors at every shelter, or at least people willing to play doctor, but here’s the cool part—pardon the pun—each border shelter will be an estimated ten degrees cooler than their recent trek across the Sonoran Desert. So why worry? These kids are of a hardy stock. The War on Drugs and the desert took care of that. Now it’s time to reap those Darwinian benefits, in solar energy form."

Critics are calling this practice Torture for Children, but Mr. Winslow was quick to relabel this practice enhanced immigration techniques.

Discord Moment of Silence for Robin Williams
Discord Moment of Silence for Robin Williams, "Fans" requesting moment of silence be extended to 2015
"Fans" requesting moment of silence be extended to 2015
 
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Christie Warns: "I Will Shoot the Next Reporter Who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face"
Christie Warns: "I will Shoot the Next Reporter who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face," Breaking: Christie Shoots Reporter in Face
Breaking: Christie Shoots Reporter in Face
 
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Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
 
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Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
 
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Homer Simpson: the Most Interesting Meme in the World
Homer Simpson: The Most Interesting Meme in the World
 
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Bloom Vs Bieber: High Elf Vs Low Life
Bloom Vs Bieber: High Elf Vs Low Life
 
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Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole
Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole,
We didn't say it was a good theory
 
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Discord Videos
Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
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Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
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 Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
 Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
 Discord's Daily Discharge
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
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Decrepit Discord
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 To Summarize the Distraction That Is the GOP
 Immigrant Children Transformed Into Renewable Energy Source
 Russia Standing by 10-Minute Rocket Launcher Tutorial for Rebels
 Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders
 Impeachment: You're Doing It Wrong
 Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking
 This Just in From Crank Headquarters
 Read Between the Lies
 Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
 The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in Our Oceans Found
 Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire
 The Iraq War and the Edge of Harshness
 What Were Republicans, Daddy?
 Obama: the Worst President Never
 The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About His Apprentice
 Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous
 Sarah Palin Speaks...Badly
 Breaking Vlad?
 Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe
 Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him
 GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful
 Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals
 After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A
 GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
 Ah, to Be a Republican Website for a Day
 Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14
 Should the Discord Have an Age Limit?
 Mount Rushmore: What Went Right and Wrong
 Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
 Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
 Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
 Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
 Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
 GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House
 Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
 Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
 Give Them Exactly What They Deserve
 Discord Standing by Their Controversial Kasem Coverage
 Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!
 Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum
 David Brat Seems Pretty Okay for a Tea Bagger
 Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum
 David and GOPliath?
 Zano Playing Ouija With John Lennon Again
 Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona
 Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps up Ridicule Over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl
 Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
 Obama Visits Last Operational 80s Video Store
 Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary
 Most Interesting Man in the World Linked to Climate Change
 Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
 Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque Du Soleil Performance
 Discord Staff Turns in Combined 401Ks for Godzilla Endorsement
 The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now
 Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival
 Biden Refuses Prom Request
 Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs
 Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?
 McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare
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