Nation’s Capital Assailed By Patriotic Missiles

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Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.

The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.

Sanders To Equally Distribute Campaign Contributions To Other Candidates

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 17:  Senate Budget Committee ranking member and presidential candidate U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) (L) delivers opening remarks duing a committee hearing in the Dirksen Senate Office Building on Capitol Hill June 17, 2015 in Washington, DC. The committe heard testimony from Congressional Budget Office Director Keith Hall who said that federal debt would climb to over 100-percent of the total GDP by 2040 without major spending course correction.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

 Madison, WI—The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), is rocking the campaign trail. Over the course of the last three months he has raised an estimated 15-million dollars. The current Vermont Senator made a bold statement in Wisconsin today, “I am not having any of it…well, more accurately, I’m only going to have some of it.” In the true spirit of socialism, Sanders plans to divvy the funds equally between all the other Democratic presidential hopefuls.

Sanders told reporters, “Socialism works and Hillary doesn’t. Can you say, Benghazi? No really, the H is silent. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m running on the Democratic ticket. Hell, if I had to split the money on the republican side I’d have to raise enough to fund the Defense Department just to get enough for a Starbucks.

Since Switching To IPAs I Haven’t Noticed This Phytoestrogen ‘Man Boob’ Thing… At All

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Flagstaff, AZ—I moved to the southwest several beers ago and I have since shifted my tastes toward more western-style IPAs. Brewifest Destiny? Now I have come to discover, via a recent NPR segment, that hops are the direct cause of man boobs. And here I though it was because of my addiction to Cheese Doodles and my strong repulsion to all forms of exercise.

The culprit for these ‘Moobs’, or brew ta tas, is something called phytoestrogen, an active plant estrogen found in hops. What makes western IPAs linked more strongly to the growth of breasts in men is the sheer quantity of hops used in this style of beer. What makes this phytoestrogen more linked to my personal manboobery is my tendency to order imperial IPAs, or “D-Mugs” as I like to call them. Hey, maybe Bruce Jenner could have saved some serious cash switching from Wheaties to Witbier. What, too soon?

In 5-4 Decision Justices Agree To Abandon Scalia On Subway Platform

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Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.

Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re  just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”

Benghazi V Charleston: False Narratives 101

While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.

God Sends Massive Storm to Ohio after Governor’s Decision to Run For President

weatherColumbus, OH—Shortly after Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy, God summoned a low pressure system designed to punish him. God is basing his wrath on the two-term Governor’s decision to expand Medicaid and other shortsighted budgetary measures. The state capital, Columbus, was at the center of God’s wrath this weekend and the almighty is warning, “There’s more where that came from!”

The Supreme Being told reporters, “Thou shalt not spend. Remember that one! Yeah, well it should have been in there but Moses could only carry two tablets. They were made of stone, you know. Bottom line, this is exactly what the people of Sodom and Hussein did before I laid waste to that entire shithole of a town.”

The reporter who tried to correct God was immediately struck by lightning—an incident God is calling “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Pope To Be Detained Should He Ever Set Foot on Floridian Soil

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Tampon Bay, FL—Incensed by The Pope’s comments on Climate Change, Governor Rick Scott is now on the warpath. According to the Governor’s orifice, The Pope is in clear violation of his “Shhhh, Don’t Mention Climate Change, Just Keep Building Shit Inland” initiative.

Radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I believe the Vatican is very close to getting the bomb. And I will have nun of that…Get it? I don’t know about this new guy, Pope Benedict the Arnold. He obviously has connections to liberal sympathizers, who obviously have connections to the Muslim Brotherhood. So do the delusional math, people! Last time I was in church the priest was swinging around this smoking metal ball. That could take out a few rows of pews if weaponized. Hell, if that’s not a smoking gun I don’t know what is. What else is the clergy hiding under those bulletproof vestments? In fact, I believe the Vatican has acquired Weapons of Mass Mass Destruction.”