My friend is still a little out of the loophole with regard to Trump’s ongoing crime spree, therefore, I must, as duty dictates, return to the trenches in an attempt to enlighten the floundering republican brain. And for this noble act you may call me a Bloghisattva. What? …too much? Here’s the thing, over on FB my friend asked me to name one thing that Trump did that can be considered a crime, which is tougher than it looks …to narrow down. He then pointed to the clear D crimes over the years, a list that included Bill Clinton’s speech wherein he charged Moscow his usually speaking engagement fees, Hillary’s missing emails, and Hunter Biden’s dubious paychecks from Keiv. I suppose in opposite world these are the worst things to have happened since Benghazi. While my friend is napping, what the rest of us have learned is twofold: first off, those of a certain tax bracket seem above the law entirely, especially with regard to the tax code. Second, there’s also a significant executive cushion that is further protecting our commander and chief from legal consequences. By using these two additional safety nets a con-man has exposed our country for the banana republic that it has become. So let’s just list the clear crimes, mainly because I have to make an appearance at work sometime next week.
My friend and blogvesary responded to my last post and for that I’m grateful, mostly. But it doesn’t change the fact he’s still knee-deep in Foxal matter, oblivious to what’s coming in November. “You’re not making any sense, Zano!” I’m afraid nothing this far down the rabid hole is going to make sense to you, my friend. I do still enjoy our exchanges, but only for the same reason I keep eating ice cream despite a lactose intolerance [‘Fifty shades of sorbet’ joke removed by Tom Carvel]. Even after decades of debate, my friend still can’t acknowledge that each and every one of his ‘scandals’ had its day in court and ended with some republican judge, senator, or special prosecutor finding no crimes. You may not be aware of these conclusions, because Fox News will repeat this crap for years on end before making a smooth transition to the scroller—the moving ticker just underneath the blonde newscaster—for those inconvenient court findings. No retraction, apology, or further explanation necessary. I’d like to shove all of Fox New’s supposed journalists face-first off Trump’s ego. Anchors Away? I think for Pokey’s crusades we stand at zero indictments and counting. This is a QA-non-starter for me, and yet my friend still demands payment in full. Seek and thou shalt still fine?
Hey, gang, it’s not just Spygate that’s taking an invesitigatorial shit today, both Burisma and unmasking are also Benghaziing, as it were. Barr found no wrongdoing by Obama officials on unmasking, and per the latest Burisma report, courtesy of the republican senate, Hunter Biden’s appointment on the Ukrainian energy company during his father’s veep gig was “awkward” and “problematic,” yet it never influenced policy. Spygate didn’t net anything either, not in time to save Trump, so our republican friends went with their old standby, aka Make.Shit.Up. Actually, as it turns out, the Kremiln made this last shit up and the rightwing media just perpetuated more Russian propaganda. The latest garbage involves Brennan-gate, which is a lousy scandal even by the standard Pizza-gate rating system (PRS). For those still not following the main theme, during an opportunity to remove a dangerously incompetent president from office via the impeachment process, the republican side of congress chose instead to ask a bunch of fictional questions that Sean Hannity and QAnon came up with after sniffing the Sharpies Glenn Beck copped from the Oval Office.
Tweet Tower—In an exclusive interview, a coronavirus spokesvirus sat down with that Two Ferns guy today to discuss his recent stint inside the President. “Yeah, it felt awful being inside The Donald,” said the virus. “I’ve never come across a more inhospitable host, period. We lost a lot of good viruses in there. The cause of death for most was a crushed spirit. I was in there for about 48-hours, but it felt like 48-years …the shit that guy eats could kill Al Bundy. Anyway, eventually I’m like, you know, I think I’m gonna go visit my aunt over in Hope Hicks. It was nice over there …like a tiptoe through the tulips comparatively. We’re thinking of getting a vacation home over there.”
In true 2020 fashion, today in Texas brain-eating amoebas were discovered in the water supply. The good news? Devoid of any food source, they probably won’t survive long in a republican district. And Flint, Michigan residents still can’t drink their water, but it’s a buyer’s real estate market now, right? We just need Detroit to build bigger Rams to haul the water …from Canada. Maybe the Keystone pipeline can be used for water and oil? And maybe some Molson, eh? Talk about a trade hat trick. We just have to clear it with Trudeau …and Putin. Now that’s some fine can-do American thinking. And, heck, Puerto Rico just has to wait for the next category 5 to get their water sloshing right into their house! The new American Standard? Please don’t Moen at that joke. The city of Flint is saying the water is safe in their district, but this is view is not shared by the majority of its residents, which brings us to our next problem: republicans should not be tasked with anything related to public safety. The real story? Flint is no longer an outlier, but rather a sneak peek at our new normal. We are being poisoned at the same time republican leadership—the same group with a Nugentesque Stranglehold on our courts—is stripping us of our healthcare. Hey, but any proof that republicans can do two things at once is truly mind-blowing (deadly amoebas sold separately). Is it wrong to root for the single-celled organisms at this point? Somebody get me a microscope, I wonder if all those little red nubs on those coronaviruses are tiny MAGA hats.
[‘Yeast of our problems’ joke removed by a pair a ‘meciums.]
Tweet Tower—President Trump assured the country today that his rambly and often inappropriate executive tweets will continue, regardless of his condition. POTUS, along with several of his key aides, has successfully created a series of tweets ahead of time. These will be posted at random intervals should the president become incapacitated by his present illness. Vice President Mike Pence said, “Some of these tweets were created ahead of time by the president himself, but in an algorithm fashion so he can continue to comment regardless of who won the big match, or even the outcome of my upcoming vice presidential debate with Kamala Harris. There’s also a Halloween tweet that pokes fun at a Hillary Clinton mask, ha ha ha #LockHerUp. And, of course, there are some more Sleepy Joe tweets, and who could resist a few Pocahontas quips? Not this president. Even more exciting, new Twitter technologies made possible the creation of a Trump Tweet Generator that pieces together a hodgepodge of insults and capitalized words from existing tweets. These contain all the exclamation points, giant caps, and grammar mistakes that you’ve come to expect from this president. In this way, he can continue to tweet important messages directly to his follower for many years to come, regardless of his recovery or his condition #PostedDeadOrAlive.”
Shortly into the first presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, it became painfully clear the president had words scrawled across his right hand. Has the president taken a page from Sarah Palin’s similar hijinx in 2008? Is this more of her handiwork, pardon the pun? Palin was believed to have cheated herself in a similar manner during her own Vice Presidential debate back in 2008 …with the same person. I don’t believe in coincidences and neither does anyone in my family, which might just be a coincidence. Palin is denying claims she coached the president to use crib notes in tonight’s debate and is downplaying the timing of her odd challenge to primary Senator Lisa Murkowski in Alaska. Was this an intentional red herring? Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “This is a new low for Trump. Kidding. We would need digging equipment that has yet to be invented for that. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) added, “In Trump’s defense, the five words scrawled on his hands were all spelled correctly. He must have had help #Grammerly.”
Tweet Tower—The Head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, Head HUDder Ben Carson told reporters today, “HUD vows to protect the president’s home and avoid any premature executiviction. No one wants to see the president homeless. We’re calling this initiative our POTUS Eviction Prevention Program. It’s not just the president, his entire extended family uses this place like a cheap motel. Could you imagine if Eric and Don Jr. were left to their own devices? They’re simply not ready. The entire Trump clan must remain on that property, perhaps indefinitely. So we at HUD are doing our part by extending our moratorium on all real estate removals from the White House until 2028. We’re already colluding with Russia on this one as part of Operation Stay Putin.”
Republicans don’t give a damn about free speech; they only want to defend their own bullshit. They’re intent on dismantling our Constitution in the name of greed, and if a side effect of this post-truth world allows for a criminal kingpin to occupy the oval office indefinitely, cest le vie. Caveat emperor? Defending the republican’s right to lie is where the rightwing allegiance to our first amendment begins and ends. They’re not constitutionalists; they’re snake oil salesmen. The GOP is fixated on suppressing voter turnout, keeping America white, expanding the militarized-industrialized complex, and accelerating the disparity of wealth. And amidst that busy schedule, they found the time to dismantle our 1st Amendment. My friend and blogvesary, the Pokester, is pointing to the liberal attacks on our first amendment and, as usual, ignoring the elephant in the room. Wake up! No, really, if you’re supporting a Trump-redo you’ve obviously sustained a serious head injury and if you fall asleep you could suffer a cerebral hemorrhage.
Tweet Tower—The President is pleased to announce the next round of stimulus checks have passed Congress and most Americans are eligible for this phase of the pandemic bailouts. However, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin warned the press today the latest stimulus package comes with some set stipulations. “Anyone receiving the funds must do one of three things,” said Mnuchin. “You can either turn the check into smaller amounts through a number of legal transactions, cover up the money via creative bookkeeping, or turn the check in for chips at any participating casino or Trump property.”
Tweet Tower—The Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the US Postal Service unveiled their plot to both suppress voting in key districts as well as to regain control of our city streets from liberal mobs. Over one hundred thousand confiscated postal boxes have thus far been refitted as weaponized peacekeepers and deployed to liberal cities currently protesting Black Lives Matter. The White House has dubbed this Operation Going Postal and the president is calling it “win win.” In an executive tweet, the president said, “These same postal boxes that lazy people use to vote, and they’re very lazy people, can now disperse those same liberals on those long lines at the polling stations in November.” The president claims to have gotten the idea from an old Dr. Who rerun. Trump said, “I was watching this show and thought to myself, I don’t like the Who, or any doctor at the Who, but I do like those crazy little things trying to kill him. And that’s when it hit me.”
Sure I’ve wondered whether the idiocy part of Donald Trump would save us from his worst authoritarian impulses, but my greater concern was always centered on a society that could elect such a man in the first place and what might spawn from such ideological sewage? Post QAnon’s emergence, one wonders if the Trump base, aka IQanone, might save us from their more terroristic inclinations? After all, this is not your grandfather’s Weather Underground [‘putting on false Ayres’ joke detained by the FBI]. Face it, the fabled ‘Q’ of QAnon is to Bin Laden as the ‘underwear bomber’ is to Muslim terrorism. The mystery MAGA prophet has gotten nothing right to date, from Hillary Clinton’s “imminent arrest” to “the Coronavirus is a hoax,” so he’s a perfect addition to the team. Republicans have made a lifetime of being wrong; it’s second nature to them, so why would their Nostradumbass be any different? Follow your blissful ignorance? The FBI has already classified QAnon as a domestic terrorist group, but if they follow suit with ANTIFA, it’s just politics. Half the country is against fascism and the rest can’t spell fascism. But just how homegrown extremism is this bunch going to get? And who gets elected to the backdrop of these populist delusions? Kidding, Trump stays in power until he dies because the only thing standing between him and some jail bars is AG Barr.
After a long in-depth process, steeped in an esoteric wonkish mysticism, I read my tea leaves, summoned my magic, and tapped into this country’s ever-shifting political scheissgiest for the sole purpose of honing my theories and algorithms to become the very first to endorse the Biden/Harris combo, last May. Fine. I drank a beer and watched about twenty minutes of the first Democratic debate before I looked at my wife and said, “We’re screwed, put Ash vs The Evil Dead back on.” The next day I wrote that ‘dream ticket’ article and never watched another minute of those bullshit Dem-bates *cough*. Fine. Whereas that all happened, upon review I’d written that article a month earlier, based solely on the lengthy list of presidential hopefuls, who must have received their Bezos-shipped participation trophies by now. Thanks for playing. Hey, at least I nixed my first duo: Gillibrand/Hickenlooper. That’s a long bumper sticker.
[The Hardest Button To Button joke removed by the White Stripes]
Nutley, NJ—Beloved Planters’ mascot, Mr. Peanut, is wanted at this hour after a wild rampage through downtown Nutley injured a number of maskless anti-peanut protestors. Investigators now fear that Mr. Peanut did not act alone and the intelligence community is exploring the existence of a number of ‘Planter Cells’ waiting to be spread across the country’s breadbasket. In an executive tweet, the president condemned the attack, “Peanuts could already be in our pantries, our cafeterias, and even in those little bowls at our local bars. But DON”T PANIC!! We’ll arrest them in a Jif! #SkippyTownNutjob.” One witness told The Discord, “They’ve always been nuts, so why didn’t anyone see this coming?”
[‘Stop pulling my legume’ joke removed by the editor.]
My republican friend and blogvesary is on a “strengthen your immunity system” kick, presumably to stay healthy during COVID long enough to vote for the Trumpocalypse. That’s like intentionally fasting on the lead up to a famine. A stronger immunity system is crucial, but it doesn’t replace a competent government and a more comprehensive universal healthcare system. Do you really think Guatemala could join the G7 if they just take their Flintstone chewables? Besides, there’s so much stacked against our kids today, including the bombardment of hundreds of toxins, in utero no less. Babies arrive with so much pollutants all the superfoods in Whole Foods couldn’t put Trumpty Dumpty back together again. Encouraging people to boost their immune system is never a bad idea, but to not understand the series of unfortunate republican-led events contributing to our nation’s health decline is suicidal. What are we going to do with you folks? In 2020 you’ve simply missed too many classes. It’s like walking through the front door of your Quantum Physics class while simultaneously riding out of the backdoor as a wave. Yeah, they’re not gonna get that either.
Nal Hutta—President Trump is very close to striking a deal with the Hutts that will help keep millions of school-age children safely stored in Carbonite units until the current pandemic has ended. The president believes Hutts Storage, Inc represents “a great way to get the economy going again while keeping those namby-pamby liberals happy.” The Hutts, a shell-less species of giant gastropod, are longtime friends of the Trump family. The president told reporters, “They’re good people. Back in the days of the Old Republic, my great grandfather used to smuggle spice with the Hutt Cartel. We can learn a lot about how to handle protestors from what happens to them in Hutt-controlled space. I would like to see ANTIFA try to take down a statue of Jabba. No really, they’re yuuuge and heavy!! You’ll break your back! And for the few of you who still have insurance, that’s a preexisting condition #MedicalBankruptcy.”