Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ

Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien