Ladies and gentlemen,
I recently received a dream message, wholly unforeseen and unexpected, to return to the National Mall in Washington without delay. This vision summons me to D.C. for the purpose of salvaging what’s left of our fair nation’s spirit. On October 30th, as I am free to leave the state now, I will partake in a complicated set of rituals for the purpose of soul retrieval. This is typically done by a shaman for an individual or, in rare instances, for a tribe. It has never, to my knowledge, been attempted on an entire country, especially one this fucked up. Make no mistake, the arduous journey I am about to embark upon is a dangerous one. The stakes could not be higher. I may become forever entangled in the darker realms of the Universe (like Newark) and, if I am unsuccessful, our beloved country may slide further into chaos (like, er…Newark).
If I am successful, my actions will push the world into the coveted Fifth Age of Man. Many of you thought this would not happen until 2012, but, as it turns out, the Mayans forgot to carry a one somewhere.
Stay tuned for event details.
Your faithful and humble servant,
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. As not to break my 2-year streak of answering your fool questions: yes, Jillian, I am into that. Call me.