It’s exciting to write article after article, pay a subscription to several prominent political publications, and then wait patiently for months, years, or even decades to finally see your own original ancient cognitions in actual print! What great fun! All hail our intelligentsia! I kid the smart people. In an Atlantic article this week, republican commentator Peter Wehner reminded us how he nailed the Trump personality disorder diagnoses back in 2016, yet he’s still botching the bigger picture. He said, “Trump never found a way to escape the antisocial demons that haunt him. But here’s what turned a personal tragedy into a national calamity: He imprinted his moral pathologies, his will-to-power ethic, on the Republican Party.” Wow. This is like pondering that chicken or the egg question and then ordering the waffles. Imprinting? Really? That chapter usually ends for humans around age two, so how about dimprinting? Wait, I guess that does make sense for the GOP. And don’t bring Nietzsche into this; were he alive today he’d thrash you with his giant mustache. First off, I diagnosed the republican party with a personality disorder as a collective, ages ago. Second, I predicted a sociopathic choice would emerge on the republican ticket, because circe 2016 only braindead Gordon-Gekko types need apply. For the last time, Trump did not fall out of right field. This was a steady downward trend, like The Discord site stats. Also, from a psych perspective, one does not easily overcome one’s ‘antisocial demons’. Some can charm their way through any role, which is usually more dangerous, but personality disorders are the hardest fix over in the psych department. A President Desantis may introduce us all to a more effective Axis-II package. Can’t wait. The republican party is like a psych class I never wanted to take. Is it too late to major in full-contact anthropology?
For those who missed it, this week confirmed what most of us already knew: former AG William Barr covered for Trump’s obstruction of justice during the Mueller investigation. I would add another sarcastic surprise-emoji face, but Winslow needs to order more. Here’s the highlight reel of the memo between Mueller and Barr (paraphrased):
DOJ: There was no collusion, no underlying crime.
Team Mueller: That’s not what our report said. It said that there’s evidence. It’s just that we didn’t think there was evidence beyond a reasonable doubt to prove conspiracy, because it’s a high bar, Barr.
DOJ: Well, you can’t hit someone with obstruction, if you can’t prove a crime.
Team Mueller: Not true, which is why we added all the precedencies right in the friggin’ report. Trump obstructed our investigation, plain and simple. Interesting interpretation there, Sparky.
DOJ: Well, we’re not going to make this memo public, because it will make us look like dicks.
Mary Trump tossed her uncle into a Wizard of Oz analogy this week. She said something like, “Remember how aggressively the flying monkeys defended the witch? But after she melted, the fever just broke? It’s going to be like that.” I have never been as concerned with the shelf-life of this particular warlock, so much as the fact we’re creating an army of flying monkeys in the first place. And this bunch isn’t going to join forces with Glenda the Good Witch or move into the Shire with the rest of Munchkins down in Munchville. Post Trump, they’re going to occupy that angry orchard and amass apples.
The Hill tried to tackle the subject of political outrage this week, with mixed results. I don’t disagree with the entire article’s premise, and yet it fails to capture the scheissgiestic struggles of the Zano Nation (both of us). But sit back and relax, kids, because I’m going to dissect this one like a frog in a 7th grade science lab. This Hill article does eventually get to the heart of the matter—or maybe it’s the liver; I failed biology—but a University of Nevada piece starts off this Saga.
[80s music video “On the Loose” joke returned to MTV, postage due.]
Looks like I owe you an apology, Pokey. You were right about the existence of an IRS scandal. You just got the wrong president, is all. America runs on Dunkin? Sure, but The GOP runs on projection. Former Spooks Andrew McCabe and James Comey were both audited by the IRS under Trumpsylvania. What are the chances? We’ll get to that, but first: the NYTs claims these special and specific audits originated from the same tiny division of the IRS:
“According to the I.R.S., there were about 5,000 such audits in 2017, 4,000 in 2018, and 8,000 in 2019 — chosen from about 154 million individual tax returns each year. Mr. Comey’s audit was for his 2017 tax return; Mr. McCabe’s was for his 2019 return.”
Never during the darkest hours of the invented Obama-IRS scandal did we have such a clear picture of auditular wrongdoing (yes, that’s a word). Still, it could be just a coincidence, right? Stranger Things have happened …in Hawkinsville.
For those who missed it, 7 of Stephen Colbert’s employees were arrested at the Capitol this week for trespassing, so our rightwing false-equivalency-maestros wasted no time claiming this comedy troupe’s shenanigans were akin to an all-out insurrection. Kidding, wasting time is all they do. This was an authorized shoot but, apparently, this band of jokesters wandered off a bit—a situation that totally parallels the events of January 6th, 2021 …well, unless you are familiar with the concept of sketch comedy, or mob violence, or the term ‘parallel’ itself. But, you know when these comedians receive the equivalent of a slapstick on the wrist, Fox & Friends are going to lose their minds. Kidding, having one of those is a prerequisite for that activity.
I’ve always had a certain level of suspicion, after all, I spent the better part of my college career hanging out with a dude in a fedora and a ‘Question Authority’ t-shirt. My instincts, thereby, are to follow folks down these rabbit holes, depending on the fairy tale, of course. But rarely have I found these deep dives into the right-wing conspiracy trenches worthwhile, as they typically list toward the Jay Ward ‘fractured’ variety. Twenty years of this endeavor can be captured best by YouTubing QAnon predictions to the Depp-Heard trial transcript, while being waterboarded. Some disturbing details are typically uncovered regarding “how the sausage is made,” and then interest wanes when the indictment fervor fades. Simple reform isn’t among the rightwinger’s hobby interests. The punch line comes from the deeper dive, when you uncover who made such actions legal in the first place. More of these roads lead to Lord Reagan than I ever imagined. The DNC’s treatment of Bernie Sanders in 2016—particularly Hillary’s role—is probably the most tangible wrongdoing on the left, but on some level republicans appreciate such tactics and probably took notes. Despite this, staying vigilant in the Age of Misinformation is important because this mountain-sized pile of Foxal matter represents the perfect place to hide a real scandal. It’s the virtual haystack in which to drop any size needle. If Hillary does murder someone, she has but to drop a breadcrumb over at Infowars, and she’s golden. On other side, Donald Trump just shot someone in the face on 5th Avenue and said, “See?”
Donald Trump’s legal peril continues to mount today as the former president stands accused of aiding and BigMac’ing the enemy, as well as other violations of the McHatch Act. A truck containing 400 Happy Meals was intercepted 3-miles from the Russian border in Kazakhstan and, according to officials, Donald Trump’s fingerprints are “literally everywhere.” After the closing of all 850 of their restaurants in Russia, the McDonald’s franchise told the press today, “We refuse to comment on any fast-food clown other than our own mascot.” Kazakhstani despot, Admiral General Aladeen, said, “We suspected The Donald for three reasons: one, someone poached all the Happy Meal toys. Who else would do that? Two, half of the French fries were eaten, beyond what any Grubhub driver would do here in beautiful Kazakhstan. And three, each bag contained a note saying, ‘I Iove you, Vlad. Don’t release the pee pee tape, buddy. P.S. We still have Helsinki!'”
New York, NY—After news broke of an MSNBC employee’s decision to join Ukrainian forces to fight Russian aggression, Fox News went into scramble mode. The minutes of yesterday’s executive meeting revealed a series of initiatives the Fox network floated to discredit, Malcolm Nance, the heroic foreign affairs analyst turned Ukraine freedom fighter. The Discord has procured a copy of these minutes, and the document reveals a frantic 24-hour period wherein Fox & Friends pursued several tactics to counter the news piece of a gutsy black liberal doing manly things. At first efforts were directed at inventing some trans-related gender scandal, after all, his name is Nance. They then explored Nance’s connection to an overdue library book in 1992, but it was decided that the majority of Fox News viewers would not find the story of a literate black person credible. To Fox’s credit, they dismissed the notion Nance was a type of cyborg transformer who actually doubled as Hunter Biden’s laptop. There are limits. Near the end of the meeting two primary strategies surfaced, either label the entire affair black-on-Black Russian violence, or somehow link Nance to the death of four Americans during the Benghazi embassy attacks. When all leads seemed a bit of a stretch, even by Fox News standards, an analyst from their Audience Engagement Department suddenly “volunteered” to fight for the Kremlin. The Fox employee is being deployed along with a Russian BGT battalion to the Donbas region of Ukraine sometime Thursday. The as yet unnamed rightwing counterpart released a statement that he does identify as a man and is in no way connected to the horrible atrocities that occurred in Benghazi under Hillay Clinton’s watch in 2012.