El Paso County, CO—Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell is denying allegations that he’s worked out a scheme to hold the presidency firmly in republican control, yet silence the baser impulses of the current occupier of the Oval Office. A senior staffer has leaked a nefarious plot to transport Donald Trump’s mouth to Cheyenne Mountain, and bury it under several miles of granite. The republican co-conspirators hope to obtain the president’s mouth while he’s sleeping, which according to twitter feed patterns occurs roughly between two and two fifteen AM each morning. Scientists estimate the half-life of a half-wit will allow President Trump’s mouth to continue to spout off to the surrounding radioactive barrels for the next 6.3 billion tweets.
Washington—During the impeachment hearings today, instead of yielding his time to a fellow congressman, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) unfortunately said, “His Lord Satan.” After his statement a crack formed in the chamber that emitted an orange glow, flames, and a smell not unlike Rep. Eric Swalwell’s recent performance over at MSNBC. Then Rep. Adam Schiff looked on in horror as the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee slipped into a fissure that formed from deep in the Earth’s crust.
Washington—At least one scientist believes the current Trump impeachment scenario could imperil the entire planet and is therefore sounding the alarm. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “This week’s hearings strike at the very core of Trump’s ego, which, if ruptured, is large enough to melt straight through to the Earth’s core. The president’s ego is supersized, so if it were a star its death throes would create a black hole; if it were a wave it would form a MAGA-tsunami, and were it a late night McDonald’s order, it would come with a very very large coke and fries.”
Gary, IN—A man, who we will refer to as Gary from Indiana, is angry after both YouTube and Facebook took down his coveted Kitty Korner blog, because he happens to share the same name with the whistleblower at the heart of the Trump impeachment hearings. The whistleblower’s name was briefly outed last week, but was then removed almost immediately from all major platforms on which it appeared. This move inadvertently hid the popular kitten blog, and Gary just wants to know when he can post his latest pic of a Maine Coon-Norwegian Forest hybrid named Mittens.
Deep State Headquarters—The Daily Discord has spoken to an unnamed source claiming to be a double agent working within the intelligence community. This individual plans to appear on Hannity’s America, any day now, to expose the widespread corruption at the very heart of the Deep State. This righteous whistleblower tells a sordid tale in which an individual, akin to a liberal supervillain, was created in a secret laboratory with direct ties to George Soros and the Clinton Foundation. This fiend, known only as BleachBit, was created to subvert the American dream and to destroy the last best hope for mankind, Donald J. Trump.
Mexico City—Fourteen woolly mammoth skeletons were unearthed this week in a mass grave 25 miles north of Mexico City. Although archeologists estimate the remains were deposited over 15,000 years ago, this has not stopped president Trump from blaming Mexican drug cartels, the cast of The View, Adam Schiff, and Hunter Biden. The president tweeted today, “The archeorthodontist says it’s murder! Drug cartels are bad! Very bad!! We see none of that money. None of it!! Unless we can work out a Trump Tower Cancun deal or something, prepare for war! My generals are ready, Andres!! Besides, Hunter has the name HUNT in it! This had better be the focus of the impeachment hearings!”
New York, NY—McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook has resigned from the company after admitting to dating a staffer. Easterbrook told The Discord today, “Sometimes those golden arches are worth all the McControversy. Hey, I’m just sayin’, she brought me a toy with that happy m—
[Editor’s note: The Whopper of a tail, Wendy’s single, Whattabugger, egg McMuff, Finger lickin’ good, spicy sausage burrito, Jimmy’s John, Hardees Grimace, and Five Guys kosher style hotdog jokes have been dumped out with the plastic tray. You’re welcome.]
Tweet Tower—In preparation for the “liberal tricks” associated with Halloween, President Trump floated the idea of signing an executive order declaring several of his properties in a Pre-State of Emergency. The order would have allowed the deployment of 2,000 military troops to cover The Donald’s real estate assets for any potential egging, toilet papering or other seasonal mischief associated with Halloween. Critics of the move are calling this one Pumpkin-gate. The president tweeted, but quickly deleted, a warning that any attempted flaming-bag-of-dog-poo stunts would be met with sniper fire. When asked about the legal rationale for such an order, Trump said his acting-acting head of Homeland Security told his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer the following: “Technically these are the same troops Trump illegally deployed to the border to guard, paint, and/or build his wall, so arguably this is a much better misuse of military personnel.” Ultimately a staffer shredded the executive order, but failed to take it out of the black binder first and promptly broke the machine.
California Screaming—In a phone call many are calling “dumb,” President Trump told the Governor of CA that no federal funding would be available to fight fires for “Libsylvania Central,” unless Governor Gavin Newsom could help him come up with some snappy nicknames for the current Democratic front-runner, Elizabeth Warren. The Governor’s office has yet to comment, but claims he has come up with something in the ‘naughty librarian’ genre that he’s quite proud of. Those close to the governor believe he will not submit to this extortion, but he really wants to share the name with the media for comedic purposes.
AG William Barr is walking a tightrope between salvaging the last remnants of his reputation, and making something stick on the latest Hannity-spawned spy novel narrative. The inability to find anything truly damning is likely behind the delay in the release of the FISA report. Barr only needed a day to reduce Mueller’s work to: “No collusion, no obstruction,” but making up shit that people will be imprisoned for is a tougher task, even for assholes. Don’t fret, republicans, those “scandals” did their job. How else would we have a republic-ending ass clown in office? Now their latest installment of Spygate, headed by John “Bullshit” Durham, has apparently uncovered some crimes. Double-spaced documents, improper use of headers, and even margin issues occured at the highest levels of our intelligence community. There’s a slew of formatting atrocities that will break this case wide open.