Upper Narnia–Amidst these crushing COVID restrictions, young Carry Schuster is getting really sick of playing in her room, yet she has clear reservations about slipping through the portal located near the back of her wardrobe closet. The six-year-old is uncomfortable with the unwelcome visits from one, Mr. Numbnuts. She describes the visitor as part lark and part banter, or what the ancient Greeks referred to as a Satire. If her Governor’s shelter-in-place order continues much longer, the shadowy world of ravenous mammalic-hybrids sounds like a much better bet. Since Carry lives in a southern state, she can either limit her social activities to Sunday mass or risk becoming CarryKibble in parts unknown. After listening to the last few emergency White House briefings, she is currently packing her things and would now like everyone to refer to her as, Chew Toy.
Tweet Tower—Director of the National Economic Council, Larry Kudlow, sidestepped his comments back in February 25th, otherwise known as: “We have contained this. I won’t say airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight, and while the outbreak is a human tragedy, it will likely not be an economic tragedy.” I guess he meant to say ‘airborne.’ Oh, and I added the italics because I learned how to do that recently. Instead of defending his recent comments, Mr. Kudlow shifted his focus to Ivanka Trump’s breasts, asking her, “We all know your father prefers big breasts, dear, so was he ever encouraging you to augment your boobages?” Yes, one of our top economic gurus used the word boobages.
Benson, AZ—The creator of Pig Latin Jack Thompson, or, as his friends liked to call him, Ack-jay Omspon-thay, was killed ester-day-yay while walking his dog through a javelina-infested canyon. The cunning linguist was gored to death by a pack of the wild beasts in what many within the Pig Latin community are calling an ate-hay crime. Many pigs, boars, and feral hogs have resented Thompson’s approach to language throughout his life. Back in 1950, radicalized pigs are also linked to the death of George Orwell for his choice to make the chief antagonist of his famous work Animal Farm an ig-pay named Apoleon-nay. Miss Piggy, of Muppets fame, has refused to comment on the incident, but she reportedly has a strong alibi involving a famous talking og-fray named Ermit-kay
Tweet Tower—Our third world country is showing again, folks …you know, while no one was voting on principle. The picture should be clear in 2020, we take baby steps away from banana republicanism under D and giant leaps toward a failed state under R. The Fox News talking points during the pandemic ramp up angered me a tad more than usual: The media alone is to blame for the virus and the DOW! Sure the lefties hyped this shitznik to a Spinal Tappian 11, but covering the potential demise of an estimated 1.7 million Americans should rank as newsworthy. But I do like our president’s recent tack, from it’s a hoax, it’s a hoax, it’s a hoax …we’re all gonna die approach to information dissemination. How does that heavy pandemic coverage stack up against our ‘least tests in the West’ approach to containment? Or, maybe the 0.00 percent worth of accurate information coming from our president’s mouth or his twitter feed. Or, our initial haphazard to nonexistent federal response. Who knew gutting agencies and firing everyone with an IQ above a turnip could lead to something like this? Oh, right …everyone with an IQ above a turnip.
Formerly American Samoa—Michael Bloomberg has funded the purchase and subsequent secession of the American side of the territory of Samoa, which ranges from that big rock all the way to that line of palm trees. On that important strand of beach, Mayor Bloomberg intends to reign indefinitely as the Samoan’s savior and king. In a speech yesterday, Mr. Bloomberg told his people, “We all have to wait out this virus somewhere, so I’m going to do it in style and purchase an island filled with people who love and worship me. Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard exceeded the 15% threshold for viability in this territory, so she will have full access to the tikibar, hot tubs, and tennis courts! Welcome, Tulsi! But there is still a resort fee.”
[The word ‘bitch’ does not appear at the end of that sentence, but it is implied.]
Have you heard of Project Veritas? You will. It may soon become more lethal than any pandemic. Under a Zano Administration, this group would be investigated, fined, jailed, and deported—preferably all at once while being waterboarded—but if El Presidente holds power, liberals everywhere will be systematically hunted and prosecuted for the equivalent of political jaywalking. Such partisan targeting is not new, but there’s a bigly difference for this round. Project Veritas is hedging its bets on the reelection of a despot by aspiring to become a new and highly politicized wing of the intelligence community. Let’s call them the Gestapo-lite of our budding new autocracy or the house that William Barr built. This important project is currently headed by Erik Prince, remember him? He started his career as a mercenary for Dick ‘Dick’ Cheney over in Iraq through training groups of so-called ‘peacekeepers’ who specialized in dirty money and war crimes. Prince, like everyone else in Trump’s inner circle, has dubious ties to Moscow, which admittedly is not as bad as having ties to Dick Cheney. Someday soon investigations into suspected treason will become, in and of themselves, treasonous. We are on this very threshold with the pending confirmation of John “MAGA” Ratcliffe to head the Office Director of National Intelligence (ODNI). If you recall—in a way Erik Prince apparently couldn’t during a recent congressional hearing—he lied about his meetings with Russian operatives and likely covered for the president during the Russia Probe. For this loyalty, he was duly rewarded by having all charges dropped by the president’s aforementioned new Roy Cohn. Prince is essentially a hired spook-wannabe for the, uh …let’s dub them The Shallow State. Think of Prince as the right’s Christopher Steele. Check out the Veritas Project website and you too can expose your socialist neighbors to The Shallow State! Seriously, they’re looking for the good kind of whistleblowers out there, you know, the ones who only whistle out of the right side of their cheek. For those still confused, the Blackwater guy, who was named a possible Trumpian co-conspirator by Mueller, got off scot-free so he could start selling Russia was a Nothing Burger merch over at his virtual store. And, if all goes according to plan, he then becomes the next J. Edgar Asshole. Make America Gestapo Again? I really want to email VP with false leads like: Hey, I got pictures of AG Barr humping a beanbag chair. Dude, get back to me on this one. I have my Photoshop team standing by.
Tweet Tower—The above image was taken of several Trump staffers enjoying themselves during a break by hitting a giant Coronavirus back and forth over a volleyball net, minus any protective gear. Many are calling the stunt emblematic of a huge disconnect between the WH and the inherent dangers of this growing pandemic. At least one liberal group is also claiming this act constitutes felony virus abuse and made the statement, “You can’t argue that it’s a variation of bad touch.” President Trump commented, “We had everyone playing volleybug tested, and they all tested negative …for taking the test. But the tests are here, in one of the closets. There are a lot of closets in the White House, so maybe by next Tuesday. I have my best housekeepers on it.”
Oakland, CA—The president has not as yet claimed responsibility for the bombing and sinking of the Grand Princess cruise ship docked off of Oakland. The 3,500 people from 54 countries were expected to start being brought ashore, and those suffering from the coronavirus were slated to be transferred to a nearby military base for their medical care. Instead, just moments ago, an F-35 sent a flurry of missiles into the ship, ending the chance of any further spread of the virus. President Trump said, “The attack was actually due to a faulty Obama law still on the books. Very tragic. But looking at the good side, my numbers for those infected in the US will stay lower and who wants to go to Oakland anyway? Am I right? Oh, and I also heard that fish like the sunken things, because they become like an artificial reef. We just made a reef today. I feel pretty good about that part, but the deaths are on Obama. And any related stock crap. Look, I said we were going to start unloading and …we did.”
Detroit, MI—Only hours after his big gains on Super Tuesday, Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail and announcing his plan to suspend his own presidential run for the purpose of endorsing himself. Biden told reporters, “Look, I’ll be the first to admit that my campaign got off to a self-inflicted shaky start and that I needed some serious self-improvement. Sure, I was taking a lot of selfies at the time, but it took a lot of self-control not to self-harm. Last Sunday, I took a good long look in the mirror and said, now if I only had that guy supporting me. Then I got a huge boost from some key people dropping out of the race, so I thought: why not end my own campaign and really get behind myself in a positive way? I would be a huge endorsement for myself, arguably the best yet. If I end this now, I’m a shoo-in for the nomination. Think about it, if I were to land an endorsement from me, myself, and I, The Biden campaign could net nearly 70% of the remaining delegates. The math is self-explanatory.”