Release The Flying Monkeys, Smithers

Mary Trump tossed her uncle into a Wizard of Oz analogy this week. She said something like, “Remember how aggressively the flying monkeys defended the witch? But after she melted, the fever just broke? It’s going to be like that.” I have never been as concerned with the shelf-life of this particular warlock, so much as the fact we’re creating an army of flying monkeys in the first place. And this bunch isn’t going to join forces with Glenda the Good Witch or move into the Shire with the rest of Munchkins down in Munchville. Post Trump, they’re going to occupy that angry orchard and amass apples.

My friend and blogvesary believes our future freedoms are in jeopardy, and that we are all under threat of a vast globalist plot to control every aspect of our lives. His story goes: we’re being politically pitted against each other via a series of wedge issues, while this master plan proceeds, unhindered. Whether true or not—and I have voiced similar rhetoric over the years—it’s kind of moot in 2022.

His dystopic 1984esque vision of our near future is naively optimistic in the wake of our current plight. What makes you think we will have an organized society in the near future, Pokey, or even survive the water wars? The only thing this league of extraordinary people will be controlling is our funeral costs.

Furthermore, he seems wholly oblivious to the American Taliban, in fact, in his view, they represent our “best chance” as the more openminded among us. Wow. Best to go with the flying monkey you know.

Meanwhile, I covered, ages ago, how our defense programs and strategies painted the near future in rather grim strokes, because of population growth and all the fun associated with this math problem. That’s why I keep bringing up climate, population, resources, infrastructure, water desalination plants, etc and so on. The latest? 90% of our sea plankton is dead and the once impervious ice sheet in the east Antarctic is now in jeopardy. My friend has almost entirely ignored our major threats, in favor of this Illuminati-flavored pudding that he endlessly laps up.

Meanwhile, liberalism has failed us. Although it has finally identified the scope of the problem, it has not met the threat of republican extremism in any meaningful way. I started warning my liberal friends over the last several years how misguided, off message, irrelevant—and actually illiberal—their enfeebled ‘resistance’ was becoming. And I finally offered my US autopsy report in 2017. For those who missed it, this is already a post country. It’s not pining for the fjords. For you non-Python fans out there, Team USA has shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!

And, whereas Biden’s recent accomplishments are impressive, it’s really closing the old barn door after the USDA cows have contracted brucellosis.

“We’ll get through somehow.”  —Warren Zevon

I keep harkening back to that Onion bit that nailed our plight:

Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

You can’t take 30 years off, do absolutely nothing, and catch up to the rest of the west, modernity-wise. Nor can we course correct our environmental and resource issues in any meaningful way. The system must collapse for that happen, which wasn’t my first choice. What’s my friend’s answer to these problems that we can see, feel, and touch? Keep breeding, ban abortions, a rapture evac? Maybe Soylent products? No idea. He seems unwilling to discuss the tangible in favor of these dark web conspiracies. This is going to sound a little harsh, my friend, but if your globalist puppet master theory is accurate, I am thankful someone out there is actually planning something. And please unveil these details soon, because I really want dibs on the mass grave with views of the ocean …or at least where the ocean will likely be by then. Oh, and I demand a MAGA-free plot. You stick me in a hole with the red hats, I’m going all polter on your geist.






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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.