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Large Shipment Of Artificial Trump-Credibility Seized Only Five Miles From Mouth Of Potomac

Chesapeake Bay—A Russian freighter, the Любовь Путин, was seized by Coast Guard personnel earlier today in the Chesapeake Bay. The ship, which hailed from Moscow, was reportedly full of artificial credibility ranging from supportive fake news, to Trump achievement ribbons, to trophies that say ‘Everybody Gets a Trumpy!’ Many are concerned this only increases the perception and likelihood of pre-election collusion…

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Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary

Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary

Washington—President Barack Obama announced today the late great actor and performer Marcel Marceau would be replacing Jay Carney as Press Secretary. Obama claims the decision was “an easy one” and he then explained how the idea came to him while wasting millions of tax payer’s dollars during a recent trip to France.

This announcement sparked a wave of expected outrage from republicans, who hate the French. When asked about the logistics of hiring a deceased mime, Obama said, “It can be one of his helpers. Marceau is like Santa Claus in France, so we’ll just get one of his oompa loompas or something.”

The White House issued a retraction shortly after this statement and henceforth Marceau’s helpers were referred to as Marceaupials.

The White House believes the flow of information will continue much as it has before, but the President did make some suggestions to help with the new format, “The press might want to limit their questions to ones that can be answered by either: man climbing rope, man walking against wind or man trapped in box. Just sayin’.”

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WikiLeaks Update: Minus The Internet A Desperate Assange Resorts To Finger-Puppets

Assange Man Cave Manor—Julian Assange, best known for playing Eric Snowden in the after-school special Whistleblower, is totally cut off from the outside world. Desperate, he has resorted to finger puppets to relay the evils of all things Hillary. Incidentally, that is the title of episode 2 of the after-school special Whistleblower. Assange admits finger…

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