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Pelosi to Oversee Obama’s Death Panels

Washington, DC – Rahm Emanuel met with Nancy Pelosi for several hours today behind closed doors.  At precisely 11:00 AM (EDT) the Obama Administration announced their decision to appoint the current Speaker of the House to the position of  U.S. Death Czar.

“Cheney got death squads, so we get death panels,” said Emanuel. “Fair is fair.”

Emanuel believes there is money to be saved by not insuring the chronologically challenged.  If enough Americans “opt” for their Democratically Imposed Early Demise (DIED), our Democratic overlords believe we can put this ‘great recession’ to sleep, so to speak.

These death panels could also have the extra added advantage of boosting supplies for Obama’s struggling Soylent Green program.

The Obama Administration is describing these death panels as a “win-win for Americans, particularly young healthy Americans.”

Pelosi states the process is simple, “At age fifty a doctor Kevorkian-type figure will arrive at your house and play a game with you, a game much like ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’. Despite some of the misinformation, we are still very serious about members’ choices.  But for God’s sake, don’t pick rock!”

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The Bard of Wasilla Tweets!

The Bard of Wasilla Tweets!

Wasilla, AK—Some claim the lady doth protest too much, but is the Tea Bag Queen making a run for literacy? MILF Theatre, in conjunction with Portrait of a Blinking Idiot.com, presents Sign on My Facebook and Tell Me You’ll Vote for Me.

Set your tweets on Elizabethan as Palin conjures some literary magic.  Sarah has clearly done some amazing things with wordage, verbiage, and phonics-age. Act now and receive all of the Bard of Wasilla’s witticisms during this limited time offer. 

You’ll get such classic social site moments as: To tweet or not to tweet, you betch ya’ and Tax cuts are such sweet borrow. And, of course: To suffer the slings and arrows of refudiated progressives.  And, who could forget?  A course! A course! My kingdom for some eduma—a course!

But wait!  If you act now, you’ll get Et tu Brut by Faberge, as well as all 27 butchered words from, Lord what fools these liberal bloggers be.  And what offer would be complete without A plague on both your houses (and, by both, I mean Liberals and Progressives).  If you order right now, you’ll also receive the entire personal collection of Levi thou art a little shit tweets, for no extra charge.

All the world’s a stooge, folks, and we are merely Palins!  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have busts thrusting and heaving with perky nipples!

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Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty

Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to “knee cap shots only, from here on out.”

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

“He’s a Democrat,” barked Governor Justice, “which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow.”

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is “extreme” and “unjustified.”

“Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one,” said Justice.

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