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Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen

Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen

Lexington, KY—State Representative Ted Harkins (R) told reporters today, “We are losing the war on allergies and this new ‘March Bloom’ is the last straw.” Harkins later told reporters he’s allergic to straw as well.

Representative Harkins, known for his anti-pollen legislation, was also the first to coin the term Microgametophytic Fascism. He believes if his sneezing fits continue, he will lose the next election and an important General in the War on Pollen will be silenced. And by silenced, he means intermittent sneezing, coughing and sobbing.

When asked if the early bloom had anything to do with Climate Change, he said, “No. Global Goreing is just a liberal distraction. Tree hugging socialists are just the types the pollen hordes want in power. Look, pollen is plant sperm. Plant sperm in our noses! It’s the world’s flora attempting to hump the whole blooming planet! Nostril sex is an abomination.”

In the name of fiscal conservatism, Harkins proposes ramping up the defoliation of the main offenders across our state and national forests.

“Plants, trees, grass, and those MFing flowers must go,” said Harkins. “As the Bible tells us, we were here first and they’re no longer welcome. If I’m reelected I will use all of our state’s resources to eradicate all things green and hay fever evoking.”

When asked about signing Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, he said, “No problem. We can fund this project entirely by defunding everything else.”

“Harkins has my vote,” said one person, who’s in no way fictional. “We shouldn’t be forced to spend our lives in urban areas, avoiding city parks like the plague. Of course, I can’t go into parks anyway after the ‘incident’ but it’s the principle.”

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Glenn Beck Is Fasting For Ted Cruz: Beck-Fast At Bigotries?

Prior to the Iowa Caucuses, Glenn Beck threw his support behind Ted Cruz and he has been campaigning for him ever since. The Beckster is now willing to fast until his choice for the Republican nomination wins super Tuesday, which Beck dearly hopes comes with cheesy fries. “I will be ready for cheesy fries by then,”…

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Zano Hacks Rogen!

Zano Hacks Rogen!

Flagstaff, AZ—Mick Zano of The Daily Discord.com has hacked into Seth Rogen’s personal email. He is now threatening to release sensitive personal information unless Rogen adds at least ten funny jokes to his movie, The Interview, or he will “not even watch it on Netflix.” To show he means business, Zano stated he has firm evidence from the acquired emails that Rogen “smokes pot while working.”

Mr. Zano’s list of demands are as follows:

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