Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

Amarillo, TX—Investigators are now repealing previous claims that pink slime, found in school cafeteria lunchmeat, is safe for public consumption. Additional testing revealed pink slime is actually composed of an assortment of animated sea life, high in Omega 3s.

The Pink Slime Meat premise is actually a front for a darker more terrible truth. Research on a sample suggests an assortment of Spongebob Squarepants’ characters, recently dumped by the show’s producers.

Spongebob himself discovered this after the disappearance of his best friend, Patrick Starr, and was later found screaming through Bikini Bottom, “Soylent Pink, it’s Patrick!”

Starr, Spongebob’s starfish sidekick, had a rough time getting gigs after his first round of Celebrity Rehab and disappeared last week after a self induced diabetic coma involving 18-20 Triple Gooberberry Sunrises.

The kiddos were initially saddened but consoled by a generous helping of Gary the Snail trail mix, Plankton Cakes, and Larry the Lobster tots. Although this is not yet officially confirmed, the USDA plans to buy out the remaining pink slime reserves. They plan to treat the product with green dye and market it to patrons for St. Patty’s Day. They outbid Nickelodeon’s show Slime Time Live for the three story tall vat of pinkish goodness.