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The Great Recession Hits Springfield, DOH!

The Great Recession Hits Springfield, DOH!

Springfield,??—The animated series The Simpsons is battling significant budget cuts this season.

When told about the need for some serious belt tightening, Homer Simpson of Springfield said, “That’s physically impossible.”

His neighbor, Barney Gumble, is said to be drinking heavily again after finding out he’s among those cut.

“I only have three words on my resume: I can belch,” said Gumble, who questions if he is employable in this economy or if he even spelled belch correctly.

Marge Simpson will only have one sister next season, Selma.

“Patty was the obvious scratch,” said Simpson creator Matt Groening. “Dr. Nick is being charged with the overdose of actor Troy McClure, so they’re both gone. You may know McClure from such westerns as The Good, the Bad and the Dickish and For a Few Dollar Whore. We are also cutting Duff Man, Mole Man, Bumble Bee Man, and anyone else whose name ends in ‘man’.”

Side Show Mel was also among those cut.

“I knew when they said one of the Side Shows had to go that I was screwed,” said Mel. “Do you know what it’s like to be the side show of a side show? Of course you don’t!”

The richest man in Springfield, C. Montgomery Burns, remains all but unaffected in his mansion overlooking town.

“Nonsense, I had to part with one of my flying monkeys,” said Burns. “OK, it was already dead, but I don’t want to seem unsympathetic. Flying monkeys don’t grow on trees, you know, except in that one episode.”

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BP Last Week: “Spill Tiny Compared to Ocean.”
BP This Week: “Earth’s Demise Insignificant compared to Whole Universe.”

C. Montgomery Burns, BP CEO

Chandeleur Islands, LA—British Petroleum spokesperson, Peter Metcalfe, added, “In the grand scheme of things, the final episode of Lost will prove more significant to the average U.S. citizen than our little mishap. Is turning the Gulf waters into the Gulf oils really such a big deal? Look, sure we bought the cheaper valve and, sure, we purchase most of our parts from the Off Shore Drilling Barn—well, the one’s we don’t get from Ronco—but what were we supposed to do? Our profits were down to nearly a thousand percent! Mr. Burns is very critical of such wasteful spending.”

Mr. Burns added, “Killing off entire ecosystems is always an opportunity for the surviving species…like oil men, for instance. Smithers, release the grease gobbling monkeys!”

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Russians Suggest Buttons for New World Currency

L’Aquila, IT – At the G8 summit on July 9th Russian President Dimity Medvedev unveiled his own vision of our new world currency.  He feels paper should be discontinued and our universal currency should be buttons from old clothing.  Buttons, according to Medvedev, would ensure an end to our global recession and would “symbolize the start of our global depression.”  The President believes we need to “stop fooling ourselves” and that we should start developing some realistic goals for our shared demise.  Medvedev also reportedly agrees with Mick Zano that bug ichor is an excellent source of protein.

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