Flagstaff, AZ—Mick Zano of The Daily Discord.com has hacked into Seth Rogen’s personal email. He is now threatening to release sensitive personal information unless Rogen adds at least ten funny jokes to his movie, The Interview, or he will “not even watch it on Netflix.” To show he means business, Zano stated he has firm evidence from the acquired emails that Rogen “smokes pot while working.”

Mr. Zano’s list of demands are as follows:

Miami, Fla— The Department of Environmental Protection is banning their employees from the words ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Always ready to create a better life through relabeling, conservatives are rethinking their strategy to fight Mother Nature. The Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, explained, “You can say any of those words but just not together. You can say, like, the climate is warm today and I have to change into shorts. Stuff like that is fine. We just need to keep some distance between those politically charged words.”

When asked, “Why?” the Governor explained, “I do not approve of Obama’s handling of radical Islam, but this model can actually work when addressing coastal flooding. Why needlessly radicalize countless otherwise moderate water molecules? Water is harmless unless it coordinates and gathers into great radicalized waves. Tidal terrorism might just be one of the greatest threats our country faces. Oceanic extremists threaten our very way of life here and what is Florida without our bitches? Sorry, I mean beaches.”