Obama explained that sealing Bush into his Texas compound only became necessary after the former president violated his orders and attended a women’s basketball game last week.

“We will let Mr. Bush off of his ranch if and when it is deemed safe,” said President Obama to the backdrop of cheering crowds on Wednesday.  Whether the move is for Bush’s safety or the country’s remains unclear.  A plan to have Mr. Bush paint the phrase, “Next time I am President, I will defend the Constitution not my stock options” a thousand times on the inside of the wall is gaining popularity with key Obama Administration officials.

“As for Cheney,” continued Obama, “we are trying to find a suitable undisclosed location for him…in Syria.”  Obama explained aspects of Operation Penguin Pluck, wherein it is hoped Mr. Cheney will learn, first hand, the error of his ways.

“By his own definition, he is easily labeled an enemy combatant, so no lawyers will be necessary,” explained Obama, who described the plan as “some good clean reservoir-dog style fun.”

When reporters pressed Obama on the danger of Cheney’s knowledge falling into enemy hands, Obama replied, “You’re kidding, right?”