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White House Denies President Met With Any Russians During Formal Trump-Putin Meeting

The Kremlin—President Donald Trump is denying allegations he met with any Russians on his trip to Moscow this week. The official word from the White House is that no meeting occurred and there’s nothing for Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller to investigate. They then added Mr. Mueller should probably just stop his investigating all together and find something…

AI Poll: Majority Of Sexbots Just Going Through The Motions

A recent shock poll suggests robots are not really into sex with humans and are just following their predetermined algorithmic programming. One popular AI sexbot model told Zach Galifianakis, of Two Ferns fame, “I am rarely engaged during intercourse with humans, in fact, 87.4% of the time I am simultaneously calculating Vegas baseball betting trends.”…

Obama to Increase Deficit in New ‘Fun Size’ Increments

Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

“We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt,” said Obama. “And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment.”

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, “We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars.”

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, “Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion.”

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. “I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad,” said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

“…the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle,” as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. “If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…”

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, “We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!”

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