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Iran Insists their ‘Death to America Jihad-9’ Nuclear Warheads are for Peaceful Purposes Only

Iran Insists their 'Death to America Jihad-9' Nuclear Warheads are for Peaceful Purposes Only

Tehran, Iran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

“Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter,” explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, “I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend.  Next they’ll be saying our weaponized microbial ‘Death to the Great Satan Martyr’ project is for some nefarious purpose.”

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

“Frankly, I’m sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics,” said Ahmadinejad.  “I meant critics, really.”

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American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a “romp of humiliation” or “entertainment for the asses,” has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, “We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something.”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!” McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

“It’s called capitalism,” said McGrath. “It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?”

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

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Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!

Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!

In front of a pack of outraged L.A. Kings fans NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman, refused to hand the Stanley Cup over to the King’s Captain Justin Brown. This marks the first time in the NHL’s long history that the time honored tradition was broken…and even dented a bit.

Bettman claimed that occasionally something he called The Commissioner’s Clause can be evoked, wherein the Commissioner gets to keep the cup all year. He told King’s fans, “This year this bitch stays with me, people. I am Bettman! I am Bettman. Get it? Besides, Los Angeles is no place for hockey’s most holy prize. You’re lucky we even allowed a team into this league from such a shit hole.”

Bettman then attempted to hoist the cup over his head, but immediately yelled, clutched his lower back, and collapsed to the ice. Dustin Brown then skated over to the red carpet and yanked the thing from his old Jew hands. As he turned to skate away, however, Bettman looped his neck tie around one of Dustin’s skates, causing him to topple to the ice. The fans screamed their objections as Lord Stanley’s Cup skidded into a corner. The rest of the Kings cleared the bench and joined the fray. Then, as one fan put it, “Shit got real.”

Okay, our coverage of the last time the Kings’ won the cup is much better, here.

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