Heaven, HVN—The Wikileaked documents continue to mount up as few remain unscathed from this major security breech from hell…apparently, even hell.  One exchange is an email between Satan and God, wherein Satan makes fun of God.

“Look who plays me in movies, De Niro, Walken, the list goes on and on—who do you got, George Burns, hah?!” 

God then responded by saying, “Two words, bitch, Morgan Freeman!”

The email that is getting most of the attention, however, is a note from God to himself, which lays out his big plan in three steps:  

1. Eden Eject: Create the snake and the woman just to be sure.
2. Operation Guilt: Send a son, who is actually me in disguise, in the hopes of one day being in a Mel Gibson movie.
3. Operation Shaft: Somewhere around 2010 start fucking with Haiti (just becuase).

“There are several astounding revelations in this email,” said Christian scholar Timothy Andrews.  “Not the least of which is God’s complete inability to utilize spell check.”

“Obviously there’s a lot we don’t understand about our deity,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, “Regardless, this is a huge victory for all mankind.  It’s a victory for the religious minded, because irrefutable proof of God now exists, and it’s a victory for the atheists, in that, it’s a bloody shame.”

London, ENG—Pope Benedict XVI’s state visit to the UK began with the delivery of King Henry VIII’s annulment from Catherine of Aragon in a ceremony on the Gatwick Airport tarmac.  As a former Hitler Youth come in the back door, there was no Heathrow for him.  Citing the loss of the Church of England, rise of Lutheranism, bloodshed, butchery, gay bishops and the entire reign of Mary Tudor, the Vatican determined that granting the annulment was a better idea than not.  Steven Hawking navigated any space-time issues confronting the Vicar of Christ’s plan, meanwhile Dr. Who (all of them) were pissed they were never consulted on the matter (or the anti-matter). The price of tea futures spiked as the colonization and pillage of India could well be annulled as a necessary side effect.

Second up on the day’s itinerary, Anne Boleyn, convicted in legal proceedings that would embarrass even a Texan, was resurrected by the Pontiff.  The event occurred between the beatification of John Henry Cardinal Newman and the Pope’s arrest and transfer to The Hague.  The Pope is currently facing charges for crimes against humanity, including the serial rape of thousands of children, as well as one episode of urinating in public. The pope, using a decidedly pagan defense, is claiming “nature called.” As for the other charges, the Pope stated he is only continuing Bush’s No Child’s Behind Left policy.  The joke resulted in a class action lawsuit from Christopher Hitchens, who claims the joke was originally his.