Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

Philadelphia, PA—The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman met with CEO, Pierce Winslow, to discuss plans for his Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  On October 30th, at the National Mall, the Shaman is planning to ingest enough ground nutmeg and Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20 to “down a rhino.”  He then intends to depart this dimensional plane of existence for a darker realm, possibly Newark, in hopes of finding an ever-important shard of our country’s soul.  Upon his return, he will restore our nation’s greatness and claim some fair bystander as his rightful queen (in no particularly order).  He then plans to do things he would rather not talk about with ‘said’ queen. 

Pierce Winslow is in full support of the event, “This is going to be huge!  We’re talking ‘my balls’ huge! If anyone wants to be bused to The National Mall on October 30th, simply meet us at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philly.”  

The Discord’s CEO suggests hitting the site’s contact button for more details. Insiders claim Winslow has already rented a mid-sized sedan, possibly an Impala, from Avis rent-a-car for the big day.

“That’s just the beginning.  I am prepared to upgrade to a full-size sedan if demand warrants,” said Winslow.  “Avis has some good deals right now, especially for AAA members.”