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Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Philadelphia, PA—In what is being hailed as “the copycat publicity stunt from hell”, the Daily Discord plans to burn old Duran Duran albums en mass next Saturday.  According to inside sources, Discord staffers have accumulated 16 of the band’s albums, mostly Rio, as well as one of the bassist’s rarer solo albums (Dave Atsals is a huge fan).  Unless their demands are met, the Discord is planning this pop-pyre at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philadelphia, PA, on the anniversary of the cancellation of Celebrity Family Feud

When asked about these demands, the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, channeled a certain teen beauty queen. “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, uh—”

“We will burn all of these albums onto our hard drives,” cut in the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. “Muslims hate illegal downloads.  It makes them crazy…er, crazier.”

He then recited a strange variation of Churchill’s speech, with lyrics such as: “We shall fight them on the bitches!” to the backdrop of his fellow Discordians belting out one of the worst renditions of Hungry Like the Wolf ever karaoked.  The unauthorized press conference ended when the Philadelphia Police Department tear gassed the lot.

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Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

Myrtle Beach, SC—One of Target’s toy departments is currently under the gun, so to speak, after an employee found a loaded black handgun on top of a superhero toy-box. The worker told authorities, “We usually sell the bullets separately for safety reasons, you know, like batteries.” Despite this strict toy safety policy, eight bullets were found in the nine millimeter weapon. Target has since decided they will not sell any more loaded guns to children. This decision has sparked outrage from many 2nd Amendment advocates, who are wondering, “How can a store named Target be working against us?”

During an NRA support rally in Phoenix, 12 dead and 38 injured, many came out to protest the department store’s unconstitutional stance. The state of Arizona is standing by their own gun laws, which only prohibit the sale of guns to liberals. The Grand Canyon State is currently being fitted with a number of cowboy signs that read, You Must Be This High Before Discharging a Weapon in Public. This height requirement, just under three-feet tall, has angered a group of Midget Men, who are out protecting our border every day from Mexico’s infamous el Enano dwarf cartel.

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While The Climate Is Changing, Republicans Seem Wholly Incapable Of Such A Feat

Despite the ongoing collapse of conservative ‘thought’, each news cycle still brings a barrage of new and intriguing rightwing dimsights. At least Puerto Rico has a storm to blame for knocking it back 30 years, what’s the Republican party’s excuse? Today, as the Antarctic Pine Glacier retreats another 100 miles, the GOP’s brain capacity retreats another 100K neurons. Meanwhile, our…

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