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U.S. National Park Service: Canada Sold to Exxon Mobile

Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the National Park Service

Washington D.C.—The U.S. National Park Service announced today that Canada has been sold to the Exxon Mobil Corporation so they can to do “whatever they see fit.”

In a press release today, Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the NPS, stated “As we all know, Canada is simply the largest suburb of the United States, and they have been nothing but a pain in the ass, what with their play money, insistence that they are a real country, and over use of the adverb ‘eh’. This is an opportunity for the U.S. to alleviate a portion of the Federal deficit, close the foreign oil gap, and shut those fuckin’ canucks up for good.”

Jarvis later asked to have the word “fuckin’” removed from his statement and placed in a to-go pouch.

Rex Tillerson, the CEO of Exxon Mobile added, “As Canada’s new landlords, we really don’t want to appear insensitive, so our theme Drill, Baby, Drill has been Canadianized to Drill, Eh, Drill to reflect our northern neighbor’s rich culture.  And, of course, they can keep their hockey. But the shale drilling will be impacting the ground water almost immediately, so, in a preemptive move, all hockey will be played on black ice with a white puck.  Frankly, we think it’ll be cooler anyway.”

When asked if there was any connection between this hasty business venture and the recent loss of the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, Tillerson replied, “None that I am aware of, but if they would see fit to extradite that war criminal, Sid the Kid, then…I mean, uh, no.”

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GOP Diagnosed: Let the Healing Begin!

GOP Diagnosed: Let the Healing Begin!

A team of psychiatrists led by Dr. Sterling Hogbein of Hogbein Institute and Buffet have used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to successfully diagnose the entire GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Head of the American Psychological Association, Dr. John Oldham, added, “Republicans primarily suffer from a personality disorder, which is fairly untreatable. Whereas rigidity of thought remains pervasive in this group, we added the Cognitive Disorder NOS to the Axis I primarily so we could bill Medicaid for the evaluation.”

Dr. Hogbein remains more hopeful, “We do have a cluster of personality disorders here, a rare Cluster-F, actually. We could have picked borderline, anti-social…really any of them can apply during any given news cycle, but if Fox News and AM radio agreed to start broadcasting non-stop DBT therapy sessions, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it could at least raise the average Republican to a level where they can safely navigate the community.”

If this doesn’t happen, Dr. Hogbein and Dr. Oldham agree the Republican’s prognosis poor. “It’s not uncommon for self-harm behaviors to start occurring, like supporting big oil or blocking climate change policies, which we’re already starting to see happen,” said Dr. Oldham.

The Psychiatric community fears things could culminate in a fit of histrionics not seen since that last Hannity episode. “And involuntarily committing approximately 40% of our society poses some logistical issues for sure,” added Dr. Hogbein. “But let’s start with Bachmann and see how it goes.”

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Is Al Gore The Cause Of A Recent Antarctic Ice Sheet Fissure?

Antarctica—Many believe this blurry, badly photoshopped image of former Vice President Al Gore is genuine. He appears to be digging along the edge of a giant fissure currently forming across an ice shelf in Antarctica. The picture, taken by military aircraft, has many asking: is Al Gore the cause of this fissure or is he simply trying to accelerate the…

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