Amarillo, TX—Investigators are now repealing previous claims that pink slime, found in school cafeteria lunchmeat, is safe for public consumption. Additional testing revealed pink slime is actually composed of an assortment of animated sea life, high in Omega 3s.

The Pink Slime Meat premise is actually a front for a darker more terrible truth. Research on a sample suggests an assortment of Spongebob Squarepants’ characters, recently dumped by the show’s producers.

Spongebob himself discovered this after the disappearance of his best friend, Patrick Starr, and was later found screaming through Bikini Bottom, “Soylent Pink, it’s Patrick!”

Starr, Spongebob’s starfish sidekick, had a rough time getting gigs after his first round of Celebrity Rehab and disappeared last week after a self induced diabetic coma involving 18-20 Triple Gooberberry Sunrises.

The kiddos were initially saddened but consoled by a generous helping of Gary the Snail trail mix, Plankton Cakes, and Larry the Lobster tots. Although this is not yet officially confirmed, the USDA plans to buy out the remaining pink slime reserves. They plan to treat the product with green dye and market it to patrons for St. Patty’s Day. They outbid Nickelodeon’s show Slime Time Live for the three story tall vat of pinkish goodness.