The Ground—Hundreds of planes fell from the sky yesterday shortly after the announcement from the FAA that all passengers could safely turn on their electronic devices inflight. Several planes actually crashed into Obamacare which many are calling suspicious.

“It’s bittersweet,” said one FAA manager, Harry Bostwick. “It’s sad to see all those people die, horribly, but it’s nice to know we were right all those years to have people shut off their damned iShit.”

The FAA claims it was under a lot of pressure “from that guy in 4C” to lift the ban on inflight electronic devices. “Eventually we were like, okay whatever, anything to shut that guy up,” said Bostwick. “On a good note that guy died, horribly, when his plane crashed into Obamacare.”

The FAA admits part of their reluctance to lift the ban involved a fear of losing inflight movie revenue. “It was never about safety,” said Bostwick. “It’s always been about that extra two bucks per passenger for Hangover 2.”

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, “We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado.”

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

“Last time the twisters struck, I was in London,” said Obama.  “I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s.”

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, “This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals.”

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

“I don’t follow that one,” said Obama, but he later admitted that “no options are off the table.”