Sochi, RU—Tragedy struck between the 2nd and 3rd period of Sunday’s gold medal men’s hockey game between Sweden and Canada. A Zamboni was badly injured after attempting an ill-fated triple axel. Why the machine felt the need to grandstand like that remains unknown. Those who knew the Zamboni personally report how it normally just circled around dutifully refreshing the ice surface.

An anonymous Olympic judge who witnessed the incident said, “Maybe it thought this was its big chance. Though not the strongest skater, the machine was doing fine until it attempted the grand finale, though I’ll admit breaking an axel during a triple axel is an Olympic first.”

Vladimir Putin added, “Russia regrets this incident. It is almost as bad as when the snow making machine buried our men’s hockey team coach alive yesterday. But rest assured we will be returning your NHL players, mostly.”

Marion, OH—Joshua Linskey admitted to our own Cokie McGrath that his decision to take down the poster wasn’t an easy one. The Farrah Fawcett poster holds considerable nostalgia for Mr. Linskey, a nostalgia reaching clear back to his first masturbatory experiences.  Despite the impact of the emotionally charged event, the Ohio man tried to maintain his sense of humor.

“I guess sometimes it’s time to say Farah-well.”

Before taking down the poster, he asked to be alone for a moment—a moment that took about ten unsettling minutes.  Then, with great care, he removed the poster in the presence of our own Cokie McGrath, who may opt to sue Mr. Winslow for his insistence she cover this story. Linskey denied allegations the poster, hanging in his room since 1978, had any impact on his inability to date.

“No, it’s probably just my grating personality, or, then again, it could be the Styx poster next to it.” The Styx poster is slated to come down in the spring of 2014.

When asked what he does with the posters once they are down, Linksey replied, “You don’t want to know.”