Paris, FR—Paris Hilton was arrested last night after French police conducted a strip search of the debutante in the French capital last night.  The Hilton family heiress was, according to French police, hiding a large quantity of cocaine in her person.

When asked what a baggie of cocaine was doing lodged in her privates, Hilton responded, “That’s not mine.  The vagina is in mine, sure, but I haven’t been up there myself in some time.”   She then added, “I have people for that.”

French police were also highly offended by where Paris Hilton chose to insert a sizeable replica of the Eiffel Tower.

“Oh, that,” said Hilton, “I think I picked that up at the Parisian Palace last week in Vegas.”

Hilton is now reportedly suing Las Vegas for false advertising.

“Isn’t their motto supposed to be ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?’  I don’t think that means it’s supposed to be forcibly removed by strange men in uniform in another country!”

Reportedly, Hilton later told friends and family how the items were placed there in an eerily similar manner.

Longbeach Township, NJ—Governor Chris Christie explained to reporters his idea to build a 127-mile sand bar off the coast of New Jersey to act as a natural barrier to protect his state from the next superstorm. To appease Republicans he’s calling it the Liberty Sand Bar & Grill.

Many residents fear the dune will become a boardwalk. To these critics Christie said, “I have no interest in building anything other than a dune. I don’t want to build a road, I don’t want to build a shower, I don’t want to build a hut.” He then recited the second half of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, adlibbing at times with gems like, “I will not build it in a ditch, I will not build it on some bitch. I will not build a dock or tram, I’m not building shit, so F^&%ing scram!”

According to witnesses, the Governor then turned green, picked up the nearest vehicle, and hurled into an adjacent building.

After calming down, he recited part of Churchill’s speech, “We will fight storms on the beaches, and the landing grounds, yada yada.” He then later warned, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t vote for me when I’m angry.”