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Trump Sending Kushner To Attend Narnian Economic Summit A Diversion?

Tweet Tower—President Trump is asking Congress for an additional 200 million “just to keep all those crazy half-animal things from eating my son-in-law.” This trip, which the White House is hailing as a fact-finding mission, is shaping up to be the most expensive diplomatic excursion since Nixon’s trip to the 9th circle of Dante’s hell.…

Group Of Teenagers Admit To Summoning President Trump During Ouija Game

Burlington, VT—Sixteen-year-old Trent Drury admitted earlier today how he and two of his friends are responsible for summoning the current president from the nether realms. The boy told reporters, “Sorry everyone, we really didn’t think it would work. We thought Ouija was just a another game like Monopoly, Clue or that Evil Dead book made from…

McDonald’s CEO Ousted After In-N-Out Bugger With Other Chik-fil-A

New York, NY—McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook has resigned from the company after admitting to dating a staffer. Easterbrook told The Discord today, “Sometimes those golden arches are worth all the McControversy. Hey, I’m just sayin’, she brought me a toy with that happy m— [Editor’s note: The Whopper of a tail, Wendy’s single, Whattabugger, egg…

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