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Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist

Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist

Washington, DC—No Defense Secretary nomination has ever been filibustered in the history of our nation, yet today that seems a very real possibility for nominee Chuck Hagel. The former Republican Senator has disgusted both sides of the aisle with his subversive views on Israel and gays…and especially gay Israelis.

Hagel told the Discord today, “I really need this job. I’m old and it’s hard to get a job at my age. I don’t want to have to choose between my food and my medication, not when I could be killing and torturing people all over the world.”

Hagel offended the gay community with one flamingly insensitive statement back in 1873.

“I just don’t want my fabulous ass drone-striked,” said the Discord’s Chief LGBTQ Correspondent, Dave Atsals. “If I’m on anybody’s watch list, I want it to be because of my ability to accessorize.”

Meanwhile, Hagel has lost Republican support for comments he made about the “Jewish lobby” and for his failure to recognize the genius that was the Iraq War.

After his nomination grew more highly contested by right and left, Chuck Hagel discussed the decision with his friends and family and decided to….well, it’s in the title. “I originally hoped to commit this act while handing over sensitive Benghazi documents, but my wife thought that would have been over the top,” said Hagel.

Mick Zano had this to say, “Having watched the confirmation hearing, the fact Hagel had to answer a series of questions that have no rational connection to our nation’s defense was great fun! But, what’s going to happen when the last intelligent Republican is chased out of their tent? Oh, wait…never mind.”

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The Rise and Propofall of Michael Jackson

Nowhere, AZ – Look, when Elvis died I understood all of the hoopla.  After all, he was The King.  In fact, he was more than that, he was the once and future King.  The guy destined to return when the land is in most need of sequins.  The Presley Priests remain in their traditional garb all across the Vegas strip in anticipation of the return of the King.  Elvis Presley deserved his following and he deserved the media frenzy associated with his tragic, but less than dignified, demise (but I think he should have killed Lancelot for what he did to Queen Priscilla of the Desert).  Now Jackson on the other hand… If I have to sit through one more Jacko, fashion is dead, freak-show hell-montage as the cable experts enlighten me on the latest developments…UGG.  It makes me want to shoot my face off.  I did it!  I killed him. I made him shotgun all those Big Jug Extra forties that night.  It was a drinking game!  Arrest me already, just please get back to the Michael Vick stuff.  When famous people die, there should be a separate channel for the aftermath.  We can have old commentators prerecord all of the sappy goodness about everyone famous and then only air it after they’re both dead.  They can call it the 24 hour a day Remember These Fuckers Channel (RTFC).  I don’t want this channel anywhere near any station that I might actually want to watch (like maybe up by Comedy Central).   The news coverage should entail about five minutes when they die and maybe another five minute follow-up when we find out who done it.  You don’t see the Daily Discord going on and on and on about…OK, bad example.  But how about limiting it to one day of coverage, so I can get back to the more traditional ‘Senator sleeps with horse’ stuff that usually constitutes my evening news.  Geez.

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“Food Stamp Challenge” Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

Newark, NJJersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. “This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies,” said Bolden. “Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!”

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. “That is utterly ridiculous,” said Booker. “I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week…hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything…for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop.”



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