Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.

Discord Apology CDLXII: Retractsurrection

The year 2019 proved a tumultuous one for journalism, satire, and fake news of all stripes. This can especially be said for publications attempting to be all three. I am happy to report there were less apology segments in 2019 than in previous years, however, this is not due to our improved journalistic methods and standards, but is rather the direct result of my decreased involvement and interest. Actually, we suck even more lately, and the only change has been to our attitude about such suckage. Blunders are now cherished, promoted, relished, mustarded and even ketchuped.

Our headline Woman Rescued After 12 Days In Outback Steakhouse, should have ended with the word Outback. We’re still working to take that particular Outback, back out, so we can then stick it somewhere down under. Our feature Third Highest Ranking Republican Expected To Run From Police, should have been ‘Run For Senate.’ Although, there is a strong argument this is still a likely outcome, and to comment on our most consequential blunder of the year, as Trump as my witness our headline Every Vote Cunts was an unfortunate typo.

Herr Trump: The Unter President, Revisited

With the shadow of the 2020 election coming over the horizon, like the Death Star over Scarif, I think it’s time to assess our current fearless leader’s performance. Not at a Zano “FOR JEDDAH!” level, but a more empirical one. I will revisit an article I once wrote, or rather the platform spelled out therein: Trump’s promise/wish list back in 2015. Our Commander in Chief made many promises. Let’s take another look at where those promises are at today …FOR JEDDAH!!!!

Famed Producer Christof Admits Trump Campaign Really Truman Show Sequel

Seahaven—Today the famed television mega-producer, Christof, of The Truman Show fame, admitted that the last three years of Donald Trump’s life have been the next of his epic reality TV series. In an interview with The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Christof stated, “My last foray involved keeping an individual, Truman Burbank, isolated in a bubble and making him believe that the environment around him was reality. This time I have taken an inside-out approach to that premise. We’ve targeted an individual from reality TV and created a fake reality out of him. The Truman Show started with the birth of the protagonist. This time I didn’t think that the back-story would be that compelling, although there is a niche market for those fascinated by the causes of sociopathic behavior. Maybe I’ll create a spin-off. Anyway, I didn’t have that kind of time to cultivate the requisite fame required to create the setting.”

A Bond-Villain View Of The Trump Campaign

Wow, look how big my hands are

This diatribe is largely in response to Pokey McDooris’ recent spew about the righteous Republican takeover of the presidency after the heinous rule of Barack Hussein Obama. Poke, for someone that’s all bunged up about the manipulation of the government and usurpation of rights by Democratic big money interests, you are really riding the wrong hobby horse.

Per a post-article Zano-McDooris debate, you stated that the Democrats “framed Trump for conspiring with the Russians.” Dude, they didn’t frame him for shit. In the months following the start of the Mueller Investigation*, Trump and his posse have admitted to tons of questionable activity as it pertains to Moscow. Just from his public statements Trump has confessed to fostering conflicts of interest as well as obstructing justice. If it makes you feel better, I’m not convinced that the Trump Campaign did wittingly collude with the Russians to throw the election (although I’m reasonably sure that Mueller will make it so).

*Note the name “Mueller Investigation” as opposed to the “Russia Investigation” monicre thrown around by seemingly everyone. It is not an investigation into Russian collusion, despite what Trump says, although he’s probably saying it out of a feeling of guilt. The mandate is an investigation into interference in the 2016 election, potential involvement of the Russians, possibly in collusion with the Trump campaign, plus anything derived therefrom (the “Gotcha bitch!” clause).

The Discord Would Like To Apologize For The Following Discord Apology

Many of our readers are wondering how this website has gone from bad to worse over the years. I, as CEO, blame the inability of our marketing committee to raise enough funding for a functional Donate button. Next step, the creation of a Go Fund Me page to raise the money to create an on-site Donation button. More to come on that matter, but we are working diligently on this problem. Meanwhile, our recent article Where Is The Femdom Caucus Now? should have read ‘Freedom’ Caucus. We also apologize for the unfortunate direction our Photoshop team chose to take this misguided directive. We have removed the offensive image from the site and created an office dart board with it. Zano took a copy of it into the rest room for half an hour. I don’t know what’s up with that…OK, yes I do. Anyway, last week’s article Alien Ghost of Chiliean Found in Bowl in Mexico, should have been Ghost Chili Found in Mexican Illegal-Alien’s Bowl. This mistake caused a bit of panic south of the border—thankfully just the glorified gift shop in South Carolina, not the country.

An Open Letter to Senator Pat Toomey: The Constitution… You’re Doing It Wrong

Pat Toomey Ad

Dear Mr. Toomey:

Can I call you Pat? Hey Pat, please stop that ad campaign during which you attempt to justify and seek approval for your abandonment of the U. S. Constitution. I’m tired of you telling me how it’s my choice as to who fills in the vacant Supreme Court seat. Personally, I would pick Brian Griffin from Family Guy. That’s why it’s not my, nor the American peoples’ choice. It is the choice of the guy the majority of the country duly elected to the Oval Office (twice). It is the sole decision of the Presidents Of The United States of America. I’m talking about Obama, not that band from the 90s. Millions of ImPeaches?