During my last post I never reached the Promised Land: the heralded 2^nd interesting Republican prediction of the 21^st century. This one comes in the form of Glenn Beck’s Caliphate. Beck’s obviously referencing a group of AM radio hosts who hope to expand their current syndicated stations to one day span from the tip of Alaska to the tip of Florida—wait, that’ll be underwater. Never mind.

To me the ‘unalienable rights’ part of the Declaration of Independence means absolute rights that cannot be tampered with. Whereas the origin of these rights remain open to debate, the rights themselves are not. Pokey worries that without defining the origin-part, liberals will try to change shit. On that note, there’s as much Athens as Jerusalem in our founding documents so let’s begin by replacing ‘God-given’ with ‘Zeus-given’. Then let’s draw a really cool lightning bolt over the entire next paragraph and change the name of this thing to the Bill of Smites.

[Winslow: This is a continuation of a debate that has sadly been allowed to continue.]

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It’s time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it’s time to stop pussy footin’ around the subject. Let’s get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS’s five steps to Beat Climate Change.