Based On New Evidence Should Spygate Be Taken Seriously?

Spygate is back, kids, or how the Feds illegally spied on The Donald just for fun. My friend is sending me link after link and a clearer picture is emerging, but I don’t understand why he keeps casting me in the role of spook defender. He ignores how I protested the broad tools handed to our intelligence community in the aftermath of 9/11, predicted Fed screwups, and approve of any agents frying for these aforementioned screwups. Also, I am not, nor have I ever been against these investigations. I am keenly aware that our intelligence community has been rogue, well, ever since republicans encouraged and enabled all their rogueness. The bigger problem is this scandal’s main premise. I mean, who would willingly listen to Donald Trump if they didn’t have to? He’s probably the only one the NSA is like: Naaah, that chick in 13A is having sex again. My friend’s prevailing argument, the bullshit part, is how this spying was politically motivated. There are serious breaches here, but the prime republican directive is that they land on the doorstep of either Joe, Hillary, or Barack. And until then they will leave no Stone verdict overturned. That’s their white whale, a liberal bogeyman, a theory I predicted would never pan out. The actual Trump situation is not unlike that of the gangster, Al Capone. Back in the day, the Feds could only nab him on tax evasion. Granted, it’s not the best example: whereas Capone developed a program during the Great Depression that provided milk deliveries to his fellow Chicagoans, Trump would have detained the milk trucks until his picture was added to each carton. I would actually support Trump on this one but only because it would also imply he was missing.

My friend is shocked no one understands his alternative Spygate narrative. Shocked. It’s so tough to get any info through those thick liberal skulls. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, how does it feel? You’ve heard my comparison to the Poke who cried wolf, right? Maybe it’s time to review some of Aesop’s fables. Fables are a good segue to the latest news on the Spygate front.

The fable part is how a prominent democrat orchestrated all of this spying, but the rest of this investigation does receive the Zano seal of approval. Why stop them from cleaning up their own mess? Why not let them do the heavy lifting on this one? Rolling back a number of provision of the Patriot act has always been on my wish list.

There is some meat here. Michael Flynn may well have been railroaded. If this is true, it should be covered in Durham. Durham and Barr have eluded they have nothing beyond this widespread intelligence circus. But here’s the thing, when they can’t link it to any larger D target, we can pick up the baton and insist on real reform. Why not use their stupidity for the powers of good? Look at it this way, say you’re trying to get a stump out of your yard, if someone’s willing to do all the digging because they think there’s buried treasure under that thing, would you stop them? The Curse of Joke Island?

We don’t hear my friend talking about campaign-investigation reform, or even FISA or Fed reform, nor will we, but we can. He will give up on this eventually, but we needn’t stop the prosecutions after the rest of his plotline collapses.

The Federalist link my friend sent me, complete with some agent transcripts, shows a clear picture of what I predicted, aka agents scrambling on the lead up to a pending audit. Here’s some excerpts:

“Don’t know but people here are scrambling for info to support certain things and its a mad house,” an FBI agent responded.

“[J]esus,” an agent wrote back. “[T]rump was right. [S]till not put together….why do we do this to ourselves. [W]hat is wrong with these people[?]?

‘Murica doesn’t run a tight ship and, per Horowitz’s findings, the Feds operate on the clusterfuck side of shitshow. Shock emoji face. And all the other links Pokey sent me, whether redmeat or reality, our intelligence community somehow couldn’t make the collusion case and yet they kept investigating anyway. Lives are at stake here so it is deeply disturbing to see just how poorly our intelligence outfits are run. It’s one of many reasons why I think this country is no longer fit to lead this world. Kidding, we.are.already.not.

And if these rogue agents were under orders from anyone, even Obama himself, we will get to the bottom of this. You can be sure of it, because Obama doesn’t have a slew of mob-style loyalist toadies shielding him from any and all wrongdoing. You’re thinking of Trump.

Most of my blogvesary’s latest rantings on the Lock Her Up front involves a recently declassified note from then CIA Director, John Brennan.

Brennan was simply making Obama aware the Russians were pushing the Hillary dreamed up the whole Russia collusion narrative. He was repeating what intelligence agencies have gleaned from a Russian assessment report, aka he was doing his job. This is not a smoking gun, or even a lukewarm pea shooter, republicans simply project their dreams and conspiratorial aspirations into all those redacted sections.

Trump crony, John Ratcliffe, admits this selective declassification came at the order of the president himself, probably courtesy of his magic Sharpie. Maybe it’s like a game of redacted word search, or if you stare at the blacked-out sections of classified documents long enough you’ll see the sailboat. Mall Ratcliffes?

Let’s see how it works:

I am not just taking Brennan’s word for it. Everyone who read the entire classified document—all those folks leading these investigations and heading these agencies—found no political wrongdoing, including Ratshit himself. If anything untoward occurred in this area it would have been exposed in at least one of the four related inquiries: Mueller, Horowitz, Durham and the Senate Intelligence Report. For my friend’s thesis to be correct, everyone is in on the coverup, left, right, center, left field, strawberry field …forever.

Reminder: all this scrutiny was occurring under profound pressure from an openly criminal POTUS.

Any lingering questions or redacted blackness can fit an entire 9/11-was-an- inside-job sized scandal. You could actually fake the whole moon landing in one redacted paragraph from Mueller’s second volume. I prefer his first volume …back in the day, when he was keeping it real.

So Hillary suspected no wrongdoing yet hired a James Bond-type to investigate her fabrications anyway. Then she planted the raw data for this British intelligence agent to find all over the world, thus eventually proving parts of her own fictional thesis. Brilliant! How did this woman possibly find the time to murder those men in Benghazi?

Wait! Trump’s own actions mean he must be in on the ruse as well! Amazing. The next illogical step …he must be a presidential double agent! And probably not the first one. Dubya07? Hillary is always one step ahead of the Russians, our own intelligence community, and James Bond. She’s gooood.

Fun Fact: if this is true, she would have been the smartest president ever.

So wholly legal “campaign activity” by Madam Secretary deemed highly corroborated by our intelligence community is fake? Parts of The Steele Dossier remain unproven, but we did learn: 1. Russia interfered in our 2016 election and that, 2. they preferred Trump. We also know from the first line of the Mueller report that Russia attempted to collude with the Trump Administration, and this group welcomed such collusion, at least between tweets and snorts of Adderall. The recent republican led Senate intelligence report confirms as much.

Here’s another reason I struggle with Spygate’s main premise: the intelligence community tries its darndest to remain politically neutral, but it’s not. Most of the key players in Spygate are lifelong republicans. So the investigators such as Mueller and Durham, along with the heads of these agencies: Comey, Rosenstein, McCabe, Coates, and Ratcliffe are all (R). The only independents in the mix are Clapper, Brennan, and one of the three special counsels, Michael Horowitz. Not one person in the annals of Spygate is—or to my knowledge has ever been—a member of the democratic party. My conclusion, we actually have way too many republicans for our intelligence communities to function properly.

Not sure about Sztrok and Page but they hate Trump, so they get my vote. And, sure, some of these folks have now disavowed Trump and his tribe, but this is a sign of intelligence, which incidentally matches the name on their building. Even the grand inquisitor himself, William Barr, has been a known republican fixer since Iran-Contra, and even he failed to take Pokey’s brand of fictional political analysis seriously. In fact, he tempered expectations with Durham’s pending report because a bridge from the Feds to the Libs doesn’t exist. A Bridge Too Farce?

[Iran-contraindicated joke subpoenaed by Congress.]

William Barr, aka individual Trump crony numero uno, didn’t question the findings of Spygate, Burisma-gate, or even Election-gate on the way out the door, because they don’t hold any Watergate. Barr considers these matters either closed or ending with Durham. Dead on Contrival?

I think only Sean Hannity, Donald Trump and my friend, Pokey still think Hillary or Obama are in any way culpable for this. You’re in good company, my friend …were this a cellblock.

So for this phantasm to be cogent, a secret cabal of republicans planned a coup against a law-abiding citizen named Donald J. Trump in an effort to defeat their own alma mater and return a liberal to the White House. Makes perfect sense. Hey, maybe Obama is like M, and he hands Hillary all the really cool spy gadgets.

My friend recently discovered a “pattern” to all of this, which is my insights in reverse, or Goebbles². He believes liberals deny the facts and question every meaningful source and then dismiss it as debunked. Then he complains we don’t follow him “down the rabbit hole.” The rabbit hole in this instance is how Barack and Hillary hatched this whole sinister plot to end the Trump presidency. I am no doubt part of the inspiration behind his theory, but I refer to it as the rabid hole, not rabbit hole, because it’s mouth-frothing mad.

Unfortunately, post 9/11 there is a very low bar for starting an investigation. You proved this with 7 investigations into Benghazi, all seven of which made no sense. And even I didn’t fault you for the first couple, so if you can conduct seven fictional inquiries into an embassy bombing, we can investigate a known criminal’s deeply disturbing relationship with our enemies. And, yes, I am highjacking this one from you, Poke, so some actual good may come from it.

Trump has done most of his quid-pro-colluding out in broad daylight, so the initial concerns on collusion are clearly justified. Post Mueller, he followed the same playbook with Ukraine and was impeached a day later. This is not rocket science, Poke. If it were I would send you the link to early North Korean rocket launches. And Trump just let his obstructors out of jail. As you scribble your nonsense on FB, these pardons are still warm. Hey, but in his defense, real estate peeps are always cognizant of the commuting involved, right?

Oh, and my friend asked me to look up John Solomon’s work on Spygate and I did. Solomon was a journalist for The Hill before being shifted to its opinion page before being sacked all together as a conspiracy loon. For those unfamiliar, The Hill is a pretty darn conservative publication, yet somehow still reputable. Then The Hill made fun of Fox News for referring to Solomon as an investigative journalist. Fox eventually took the hint and told Hannity to “stop calling him that.” Then they asked Hannity to stop calling him altogether and also sacked the wanker for joining the ranks of QAnon.

At this point, I think my friend has no choice but to keep running further right. Maybe he should apply at Newsmax, or become QAnon’s executive assistant. I would support that move. I can even be a reference now that William Barr has slinked back into the crevice from which he emerged. That Nashville bomber believed in the reptilian agenda, and you are way behind on this one, Poke. If you need some leads, I know some people, well,  humanoid. Eventually we’ll find my friend alone in a room with Glenn Beck’s chalkboard, Trump’s Sharpie, and enough Foxal matter to terraform Mars. And those will be the scandals worth blogging for.



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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.