Collapsing Motel, Arizona—Either I care about your health and safety, dear reader, or I hope this will get someone to hire me for my mad CPR training skills. Hopefully before I get thrown out of the decency-impaired motel I’m staying in. I’ve been teaching people CPR all over this beautiful state for almost 18 years now and I’ve learned a few things, most of which revolve around how little I would trust the average person to preform CPR on me. The Heimlich Maneuver, that’s another story. If CPR is the horror show, then the Heimlich is the keg party with the wet t-shirt contest. Don’t worry, I’ve never said that in my trainings, except for the drink-friendly versions.
WARNING: This is the first in a series of 800. What if women were on average twice as strong as men? First off, I should point out why women aren’t currently twice as strong as men. You might think it is so men will be more attracted to them, but you would be wrong. It’s because if they were stronger than us they would have killed off all the men and the species would have gone extinct a long time ago. I think having an incredibly strong woman around might make some things happen more quickly. “I’m going to make a garden, damn it!” A day of gardening would suddenly involve a woman tearing out whole trees and tossing them over a wall. “You, get me some seeds! Right now!”
Collapsing Shack, AZ—Most of us have our mental health ups and downs, or as I prefer to call them: 1. drinking or 2. working. Some people certainly have a leg up on the happiness scale. What advantages do they have that I’m missing, besides talent and a life? Between dumpster diving and jamming out to old punk tunes in the dirt, I have discovered what these other Americans have going for them and where I may be lacking. After almost thirty minutes of effort, I have outlined a method to improve one’s happiness. I don’t think it will help me, I am too far gone, but perhaps you, gentle reader, will gain something from all of my hard work …or at least come to appreciate how you’re not as bad off as the old Bone Man.
How punk are you? Would you really like to know? With this handy quiz, now you can! Amaze your friends, or disgust them outright. Get kicked out of pubs, or finally get invited back into them! Just hit the read more button, answer the ten questions, and you too could be the next punk rock star, destined to couch surf your way to unemployment.
The Patio, AZ—The sun beat down between the clouds in Flagstaff as Bone asked the team, “So what are we going to do now that our cameraman is leaving? We did the video thing, but what’s next? I was thinking maybe we could raise alligators and tattoo Discord logos onto them.”