The Fox News Network is proud to present its newest foray into investment diversity. Spearheaded by one of their most innovative propagators, Tucker Carlson, Fox & Friends are making controversial decisions to compete with the Liberal mainstay, Trader Joes. Tucker Joe’s will cater to right wing interests and sensibilities. “The store is prepped to boost ideas which the typical Fox viewer can get behind,” said with Tucker Carlson with a quizzical look. “There won’t be any snowflake, job-stealing liberal items on sale at my store! No, we’ll have our forty-acre beef. You’ll never sink your teeth into something tastier than when you find out a full forty acres of farmland is used yearly just to provide enough grain to produce one steak.”
No, it isn’t a typo. Invironment is a new term to encapsulate a few different ideas you’ve
probably heard before and perhaps a few you haven’t. The concept goes something like this,
“Nature and culture have grown less distinct and are now part of the same whole. Our species
has arrived at a point in human evolution we are close to only letting nature exist where we
allow it to do so.”
What have I been up to lately, besides bingeing on “true” horror stories and proofing my latest novel? After celebrating Patriot’s Day, I also hit one of the rare and lonely rivers which cuts through southern Arizona, the San Pedro. But enough about me; today I intend to actually finish something I started. I hope my parents haven’t just fainted. It involves the environment and how there may still be time to save it.
Since immigration reform is such a hot issue today I figured I’d go ahead and offer a quick and inexpensive solution. You might not agree with it, but you can’t argue with the profound logic. So please accept this tongue in both cheeks approach to using facts and problem solving prowess in a manner both brilliant and controversial. But if you don’t at least consider this, you can’t blame me when there’s no wall and our immigration system remains broken. My idea is as simple as it is effective.
1. Because he wants them to (vampires suffer from Oppositional Undeadfiance Disorder).
2. You need at least a 100 IQ to be turned, no exceptions (well, except Tom Cruise and Robert Pattinson). Vampires, as a rule, won’t turn children (so Trump’s 0 for 2).
3. No creature preternatural or otherwise would want to listen to Trump for multiple lifespans. Talk about term limits…
By September of 2018, Trump’s even more frantic and reckless as his allies are falling one by one to Mueller, or were fired, or fled of their own volition. The Republicans may well be sacrificing their party on the long term for their loyalty to this dangerous clown. Trump will likely destroy the GOP as more young people register to vote and join the resistance. Yet despite his ongoing attempts to destroy the country, the environment, and his political party, it looks like Trump would rather go down in flames than grab a golden tower parachute.
Trump’s Supreme Court appointee Brett Kavanaugh’s senate confirmation hearings are over …no questions answered. Republicans are throwing all caution, fairness, or logic to the wind to get this judge confirmed before their president is arrested or impeached (or both). This move for more power could end up coming with a hefty price tag, but Brett represents their perfect appointee. Let’s review the impressive powers of deduction behind this monumentally piss poor choice:
10. Who needs the women, minority, youth, or educated voters to win elections? (See: the Electoral College.)
9. Because one more conservative SCOTUS pick and we’ll have a gaggle.
Jeff Bezos is currently the second richest man in modern history (just behind C. Montgomery Burns), so his company, Amazon, is obviously doing pretty well. However, since Amazon is always looking to get a hold of more of your hard-earned cash, they are searching for some new-eye grabbing slogans. Here is a list of the ones that died on the editor’s chopping block, but that I managed to get a hold of:
- Amazon: you don’t have to need clothes to buy ’em.
- New Alexa app spends your whole paycheck for you!
- By 2020 you’re working for us, and by 2021 you’re replaced by a cyborg.
Gathering the Top Ten Slogans Rejected by X-Box was a long and difficult process. It’s a thankless job, and payless. But when some of my pale-faced interviewees couldn’t figure out how to light their firewall because they’d never gone camping before, we were able to surround ourselves with all of the women in attendance. Social phobia seems to go hand-in-hand with video addiction. Despite this perk, camping with a bunch of avid gamers is not recommended. They did eventually give up the goods and I uncovered the top ten X-Box slogans that were ultimately rejected:
1. Doing our part to lower teen pregnancy.
2. Making it even easier to ignore your children since 2001.
3. Objectifying virtual women in an effort to decrease the objectifying of actual women.