Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner…and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or “the other three Fs” as they are known to Mayan psychologists.
NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, “With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker.”
NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.
“It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa,” said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. “Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah.”
Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, “I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something.”
Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.
“That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends,” said Bone. “So no harm done.”