Watching the foundations of our republic’s recent rumblings evoked some mixed emotions for this blogger. My sister was furious with my dimsurrection day aloofness. On 1/6 I was more about grabbing the popcorn and watching the show than any angst over our flailing democracy. Look, when you warn of an encroaching problem for decades there’s a certain detachment when said problem finally manifests, in this case in bison-shaman form. I must admit to being a little jealous of our organically grown, free-range seditionist. When the day comes that I storm the Bastille—for the good guys, of course—I hope I can pull off a costume half as epic. He certainly exudes a certain approachable vibe; he’s a snazzy charismatic character, a natural leader, and he prefers organic food. More than any republican politician, journalist, or even your average MAGA-citizen, I believe I can don my cape & banana suit combo, sit down with this man, and bridge our epic ideological divide. Zanonon will grant you an audience, well, provided you make bail.
And where’s that progressive agenda we ordered?! There’s only one way to get progressivism rammed through and I am concerned about unity Joe throwing the hail mary.
Since moving to the southwest I’ve been to Vegas dozens of time but, today, amidst a pandemic, this place has an edge to it. Vegas always had an edge to it, but this is different. Less costumes downtown, more panhandlers, zero Elvis impersonators. What am I doing here, you might ask? Don’t. But then I thought, where better to watch the fall of Rome than from the shadow of Caesar’s Palace? As for blogging, I’m not sure what to say anymore. I told you so comes to mind. With or without Trump, our real issues are only beginning. But my friend and blogvesary made an observation about himself that struck me: I take in information and look at everything and can thus change my views based on new emerging evidence. Of course, by new emerging evidence, he means QAnon and Kremlin dispatches, but I responded with: well, when you’re batting a thousand why change your stance, or grip, or some such. Damn, no Elvis impersonators? I guess Elvis has truly, well …you know.
Hey, gang, it’s not just Spygate that’s taking an invesitigatorial shit today, both Burisma and unmasking are also Benghaziing, as it were. Barr found no wrongdoing by Obama officials on unmasking, and per the latest Burisma report, courtesy of the republican senate, Hunter Biden’s appointment on the Ukrainian energy company during his father’s veep gig was “awkward” and “problematic,” yet it never influenced policy. Spygate didn’t net anything either, not in time to save Trump, so our republican friends went with their old standby, aka Make.Shit.Up. Actually, as it turns out, the Kremiln made this last shit up and the rightwing media just perpetuated more Russian propaganda. The latest garbage involves Brennan-gate, which is a lousy scandal even by the standard Pizza-gate rating system (PRS). For those still not following the main theme, during an opportunity to remove a dangerously incompetent president from office via the impeachment process, the republican side of congress chose instead to ask a bunch of fictional questions that Sean Hannity and QAnon came up with after sniffing the Sharpies Glenn Beck copped from the Oval Office.
Tweet Tower—In an exclusive interview, a coronavirus spokesvirus sat down with that Two Ferns guy today to discuss his recent stint inside the President. “Yeah, it felt awful being inside The Donald,” said the virus. “I’ve never come across a more inhospitable host, period. We lost a lot of good viruses in there. The cause of death for most was a crushed spirit. I was in there for about 48-hours, but it felt like 48-years …the shit that guy eats could kill Al Bundy. Anyway, eventually I’m like, you know, I think I’m gonna go visit my aunt over in Hope Hicks. It was nice over there …like a tiptoe through the tulips comparatively. We’re thinking of getting a vacation home over there.”
In true 2020 fashion, today in Texas brain-eating amoebas were discovered in the water supply. The good news? Devoid of any food source, they probably won’t survive long in a republican district. And Flint, Michigan residents still can’t drink their water, but it’s a buyer’s real estate market now, right? We just need Detroit to build bigger Rams to haul the water …from Canada. Maybe the Keystone pipeline can be used for water and oil? And maybe some Molson, eh? Talk about a trade hat trick. We just have to clear it with Trudeau …and Putin. Now that’s some fine can-do American thinking. And, heck, Puerto Rico just has to wait for the next category 5 to get their water sloshing right into their house! The new American Standard? Please don’t Moen at that joke. The city of Flint is saying the water is safe in their district, but this is view is not shared by the majority of its residents, which brings us to our next problem: republicans should not be tasked with anything related to public safety. The real story? Flint is no longer an outlier, but rather a sneak peek at our new normal. We are being poisoned at the same time republican leadership—the same group with a Nugentesque Stranglehold on our courts—is stripping us of our healthcare. Hey, but any proof that republicans can do two things at once is truly mind-blowing (deadly amoebas sold separately). Is it wrong to root for the single-celled organisms at this point? Somebody get me a microscope, I wonder if all those little red nubs on those coronaviruses are tiny MAGA hats.
[‘Yeast of our problems’ joke removed by a pair a ‘meciums.]