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Top Ten Slogans Rejected By Amazon

Jeff Bezos is currently the second richest man in modern history (just behind C. Montgomery Burns), so his company, Amazon, is obviously doing pretty well. However, since Amazon is always looking to get a hold of more of your hard-earned cash, they are searching for some new-eye grabbing slogans. Here is a list of the ones that died on the editor’s chopping block, but that I managed to get a hold of:

  1. Amazon: you don’t have to need clothes to buy ’em.
  2. New Alexa app spends your whole paycheck for you! 
  3. By 2020 you’re working for us, and by 2021 you’re replaced by a cyborg. 

Start Asking The Right Questions, Not The Right’s Questions

Just answer the question? I’m done answering these endless distractions in the guise of questions. The questions posed in your last feature, Mr. McDooris, are faulty from the get-go. Your first argument, let’s call it number one, smells more like number two. Yes, I went there, but so did nearly half of America in the 2016 election. Electoral sewage? Oh, and when I point out how 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation, it’s only because 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation (at least retrospectively, aka, One Step Beyond the Twiright Zone). There’s never any validity to the rightwing’s focus and if validity does exist somewhere it’s some overhyped semi-relevant tidbit. Thus enters Pokey’s focus on Robert Mueller’s bias and his pending recusal from the Russia probe. Heez Nuts? 

Just Answer The Question, Zano!

Mick Zano’s approach to our current Russian investigation debate, if you can call it an approach, is to list nine out of ten unnamed fictitious “experts” from the future who will someday conclude that the FISA warrants were justified. Nice. I don’t have access to his futuristic technologies. My approach is to read the four FISA applications and use reason to clarify my own convictions based on facts. By the way, name one of these legal experts currently willing to stake their reputation on the validity of the FISA warrant. Name one. Remember that old Robert Conrad commercial where he dares you to knock that battery off his shoulder? Yeah, Zano, this is like that…

The President Announces Trump Tower Crimea Deal!

Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today upon announcing a joint business venture between The Kremlin and Tweet Tower. The president is denying his recent meeting with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki had anything to do with this historic and controversial real estate deal. When asked the president said, “This topic never came up at the summit. We had lots of other deals, I mean things to talk about. I think we just talked about Russian adoptions …and stuff. It’s all in the notes the Russians took.”

Wreak Havoc And Let Tweet The Dogs Of War! #WagTheDogsOfWar

 

Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”

Trump’s Interpreter From Helsinki Summit ‘Falls’ From Building And Lands On Stormy Daniels

Tweet Tower—In a chain of events that many are calling suspicious, Trump’s Helsinki interpreter, Marina Gross, ‘fell’ from an eight story building earlier today and landed on porn star Stormy Daniels. The two women suffered only minor injuries as both of Stormy’s breasts were deployed at the time of impact. The interpreter is now conscious and recovering at Stormybroke Hospital. When the interpreter was asked whether or not she was pushed from the building, she replied, “тебя столкнули со здания?”, which we are being told means: ‘Were you pushed from the building?’ in Russian. The rest of the interview proved to be equally as futile.

Trump Claims Voice On Cohen Tape Is Actually Trump Alias ‘John Barron’

Tweet TowerShortly after Donald Trump’s personal lawyer handed over potentially damaging recordings to investigators, the president released a tweet stating the voice on the tape is likely that of his alter-ego, ‘John Barron’. It’s widely known that during the 80s and 90s Donald Trump often pretended to be other pro-Trump individuals during phone conversations. He presumably accomplished this by sprinkling three syllable words into the conversation. Critics are calling the president’s explanation, ‘plausible’ at least in the context of everything else he has ever said.

Post Trump’s Rump Churchill’s Chair Posted On eBay!

London, GB—A number of British newspapers and tabloids trashed President Donald Trump’s recent visit with the Queen, particularly for his decision to plop down on Winston Churchill’s chair. The Mirror exclaimed, “How dare you!” Luckily for President Trump, he never really looks in The Mirror. Today there is a new development as the prized piece of furniture is now appearing on eBay. The Queen of England is refusing to comment on the decision, and no one in the royal family is explaining why they are suddenly willing to part with this historic piece of furniture for a mere £100.

Prime Minister Of UK Fails To Brexit Pub Properly

Greenwich, ENG—After an evening of trying to forget President Trump’s visit, the UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May failed to successfully navigate the open door of a popular Greenwich pub. According to witnesses, May walked repeatedly into the wall right next to the door before finally crumpling in a heap in the entranceway. Many are wondering if the incident involved too many pints in short order, or if it signifies a shift in her political position from a ‘soft’ Brexit to a ‘much harder’ Brexit.