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Trump Offers Proof He Reads His Daily Briefs

Tweet Tower—President Trump has changed his position multiple times on whether or not he was briefed on Russian bounties being placed on the heads of US military troops in Afghanistan. Initially, Trump denied ever receiving the intelligence, then he admitted he had but that they were “not read to him out loud.” Yesterday, his story changed yet again to, “I received the briefing, but only read some of the words.” Today the president added, “When they said Bounty I was thinking about the quicker-picker-upper and my AWESOME paper towel chucking in Peurto Rica after Hurricane Maria.” Criticism of the president’s failure to read the intelligence briefing in its entirety prompted the president to address the issue, complete with visual aids, from the oval office. “I change my briefs every day, and I had them labeled so I am always using the right brief for the right day. The rest is a HOAX started by the liberal media!!”

Rolling Stones Detained! Trump Seizes Rights To Sympathy For The Devil, Under My Thumb, And Ventilator Blues

Tweet Tower—Rock legend, Mick Jagger, is being held without bail in the bowels of Tweet Tower and his bandmate, Keith Richards, is wanted for questioning after eluding police by jumping a fence and scaling the side of a six-story building. Amidst a DOJ investigation into the origins surrounding the FBI’s Trump-Russia probe, also known as Crossfire Hurricane, the Rolling Stones were named as Individuals 1-4 for coining that phrase in the early seventies. The President has used this fact to detain the rock legends while crafting an executive order to rob them of the rights to their own songs for upcoming Trump rallies.

US Beachgoers Offered Swim Up ICU Beds

The Shoreline—In anticipation of some summer splashing followed by some summer organ-crashing, the Red Cross along with the Coast Gaurd have pooled their resources to open up a special shoreside service for those sickened by coronavirus. Why let a virus wreck your fun this summer? Each offshore floating hospital is equipped with a fully functioning intensive care unit, designed to get you back to your vacation itinerary as fast as possible, or there’s speedy burial-at-sea options for those party poopers among us.

The Durham Report And The Spygate’s Last Gasp

My friend and blogvesary asked me to give his points about Spygate a fairer shake. Sure it’s mostly conspiracy theory scrawled across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard with a pre-sniffed Sharpie, but there is some clear irregularities that can’t be ignored. My friend is reasonable, so over the years he always lays out these red-meat-laden theories and I research them. But this is also why I have such a healthy fear of following him, once again, down the rabid hole. Since they’re typically distractions, I tend to shut them down sooner than traitor. It’s like hearing how the moon landing was faked, then, years later, we go to the moon and there’s a pizza parlor where Hillary is running a child sex ring out of the basement. Yeah, it’s like that… Anything being espoused on Hannity each night seems automatically meritless to me, yet only a Sith deals in absolutes. As for Spygate, why couldn’t the FBI pick an issue, a lie, a white-collar crime, a quid pro quo, a collusive conclusive moment, to make their case? With so much wrongdoing to choose from, how do you not meet the level of a FISA warrant, indefinitely? You had Gotham’s Orange Cheetoh in your crossfire hurricane hairs and you missed. Pokey sent along some questions and some links for review. Two links touched on Obama spying, aka Halper and Misfud, so I worked them into my answers—covertly, of course, without proper FISA permissions. He sent over a Hill link, nice, but here’s a much a better one, here. Why do I have to do your job for you, Poke? His other two sources were The Federalist, uggg, and Wikipedia—which I use too but prefer the Star Wars version, Wookepedia.

“Surveil or surveil not, there is no spy.” Yoda

Mothman Statue Toppled For Its Stance On ‘Light Bulbs Matter’

Point Pleasant, WV—To the backdrop of throngs of crazed, statue-toppling progressives, the Mothman statue that once stood at the heart of downtown Point Pleasant is no more. Mothman, a known larvae-owner with ties to both Mothra and the BeheMoth, was also despised for his role as a key member of the Light Bulbs Matter movement. The president tweeted today, “I remember when Mothman showed up in West Vagina, followed by Godzilla and that three-headed dragon thing. I know it was a tough time for everyone involved, but there were good cryptids on both sides of those protests.”

News Of John Bolton’s Experience At The White House Isn’t News

Tweet Tower—Why are John Bolton’s revelations from his upcoming book revelations? Who knew a narcissist could act narcissistic by putting his own re-election over the greater good? That’s the flippin’ definition of narcissism! Why are we still surprised by Trump’s actions in 2020? The DSM hasn’t changed that section since flippin’ Freud. Meanwhile, my friend and blogvesary, a man with a Rorschach-with-an-electron-microscope level of commitment to the minutiae, is still ranting about Spygate and he wants widespread liberal prosecutions. What is your endgame, sir? Trump’s rather notorious place in history is sealed and my Trump/Mussolini and Barr/Franco analogies seem less hyperbolic each and every news cycle. We elected a crime-boss president with fascist friends, and like any other modern-day conservative experiment: It.Failed.Miserably—to the point where the dollar itself hangs in the balance. What are you even hoping for, Pokey? That the widespread incompetence plaguing our country, which no doubt reached our intelligence community, has some positive political implications? Maybe there’s a bad cop in there somewhere so the crime boss walks? [Walk Don’t Run joke removed by the Ventures Foundation.] How do you continue to ignore the obvious? When are you going to see what’s actually happening, not the fantasy foxal matter counter-narrative? When will you realize that when people who share your ideology lead it’s akin to a cluster fuck giving birth to a mega-snafu during an F-5 sharknado?

DNC Calls DOJ DOA: Justice Is No Longer Blind, But It’s Now Deaf and Dumb

Today an untethered president is scouring the halls of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue rooting out his enemies one by one, aka anyone with a conscience or an IQ above that of a turnip. EthicsCleansing? The political purge is occurring, folks, all while Trump and his cronies binge on the last of our resources. Bull-imia? Tweeting disorder? Maybe a Norse heritage is why our pillage idiot won’t concede the next election, and why he remains so fixated on buying Greenland [‘Thor loser’ joke ransacked by maurauders]. Who needs smart people in our intelligence community anyway? Incompetent loyalist-hacks are people too. What’s the worst that could happen? The only thing The GOP requires from our intelligence community is compliance, especially during the art of their insidious deals, such as: war, the resulting contract deals, the perpetuation of our military-industrial complex, the designation of an agreeable ‘boogeyman’ country, and, of course, those trumped-up charges to haul in any perceived political enemies. Longterm consequences are someone else’s problem. On the bright side, no potassium supplements needed in this brave new republic. For The GOP it’s always been about making a quick buck, and F everything and everyone else who stands in their way. Shame that doesn’t fit on a button.

Funding Shortfall Sparks Trump’s ‘Intermittent Border Wall’ Strategy

North of the Border—The White House believes it has reached a suitable comprise after being thwarted by a series of court rulings that block both funding for the wall, as well as the use of the military to build the structure. President Trump intends to erect a thousand mile, unscalable partial wall (UPW), an intermittent expanse stretching from San Diego California to a terminus point the president describes as “somewhere in Colorado.”