Outer Portlandia—Missing November’s election has had clear consequences for young people and humans in general. In response, millennials across the country are banding together like never before, just to complain about shit. The majority feel gipped as they want their chance to end our republic. Thousands of angry Portlandians shouted obscenities and held signs today that read, “Please leave stuff for us to wreck!” and “I’m almost angry enough to vote!” A recent polls shows 75% of people under the age of 25 are still not planning to vote in the 2018 midterms, but more than 80% of this demographic intend to either continue protesting and/or join relevant FacbookWhineGroups.
I recently had the honor and privilege of interviewing my jerk face friend, Mick Zano. We met over a beer in downtown Flagstaff to discuss fake news, satire, and what Zano calls the State of the Onion. We had our fair share of battles in the lead up to the election, as he was a little more Bernie and I was totally with her. Post the election, we both fear for our country’s future at the hands of this mad man. Though it pains me to admit it, the Zanster has made some good points over the beers. Whether you call it fake, satire, spoof, or per the website ‘pseudo journalistic’, the Discord continues to be a fun and informative read. But he’s still a jerk face and he made me say that under duress!
Tweet Tower—The White House has issued a list of possible replacements for FBI Director James Comey. The list includes six fictional characters: Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Gadget, Dick Tracy, Columbo, Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad, and the Smoking Man from the X-Files. When asked about the obvious snubbing of Charlie Chan, Donald Trump said, “I want my cabinet to be diverse, but not that diverse. Yikes. Besides he employs more of his kids than I do. I haven’t ruled out Jackie Chan, though, so this isn’t an Asian thing.”
The rightwing aversion to truth is worsening and it’s spreading like a T-Virus at a Trump rally. Resident Drivel? The Foxeteers continue to shun the implications of any data, studies, or facts that contradict their ailing ideology. Valid data is fake science and valid points are fake news. Whereas conspiracy theories are abound on the left as well, liberal angst is still generally grounded in pacifism, intellectualism, sustainability and survival (PISS).
Cave Near Mosul—Earlier today the so-called Islamic State claimed responsibility for the 2017 Republican budget proposal. The budget, which many are calling extreme in its own right, comes complete with drastic cuts to many Americans most in need. ISIS is also admitting to the two trillion dollar math error contained within the bill. ISIS spokesperson Abdul ‘Boom Boom’ Mohammed said, “We knew our budget ideas would resonate with the conservative party of the Great Satan, because they are like the not-so Great Satan. After we hatched this thing, it was just a matter of connecting with the president on Twitter. How else can you explain $616 billion in cuts to Medicaid and children’s health insurance? Oh, and the only two trillion this budget saves is the same two trillion dollar math error. Coincidence? Actually, yes, that was a math error on our part. We forgot to carry the trillion. Don’t forget, we make cuts to education too (waves scimitar menacingly).”
Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”