Tucker Joe’s

The Fox News Network is proud to present its newest foray into investment diversity. Spearheaded by one of their most innovative propagators, Tucker Carlson, Fox & Friends are making controversial decisions to compete with the Liberal mainstay, Trader Joes. Tucker Joe’s will cater to right wing interests and sensibilities. “The store is prepped to boost ideas which the typical Fox viewer can get behind,” said with Tucker Carlson with a quizzical look. “There won’t be any snowflake, job-stealing liberal items on sale at my store! No, we’ll have our forty-acre beef. You’ll never sink your teeth into something tastier than when you find out a full forty acres of farmland is used yearly just to provide enough grain to produce one steak.”

E Pluribus Fatuus

Just a couple of observations and witticisms from the desk of Mick Zano. I look at today’s politics through a decidedly different lense, one of bemused detachment. It amazes me how I live in a country where nearly 60% of the population believes a Trump presidential run is a nonstarter, yet, despite this fact, we’re still barreling toward a Grover Cleveland scenario. That’s quite the fuxtaposition. Watching Donald Trump’s political career over the years, I can’t help but think he somehow poses a threat to actress Jamie Lee Curtis each Halloween. On the flipside, this same country can’t actually circle back and share the key takeaways of COVID, after 3 plus years. What’s the latest supplement studies saying? What stats are important? What worked and what didn’t? How did we fare as compared to other countries? What’s the prevalence of vaccination side effects? Why are stats shifting sharply to more COVID deaths for those vaccinated? What is the actual fucking plan for the next pandemic? Has anyone in authority discussed this in some highlight-reel fashion? I for one, no longer give a rat’s ass about my local hospital staffing issues or overflow. Most of us here in ‘Murica can’t afford to get fifty feet from such facilities in the first place, so that should keep admissions down, eh Nurse Ratched? Oh, I forgot these are our ‘Heroes.’ Yeah, I finally got COVID last week, tested quickly, and I called my provider to see if I was a candidate for the oral supplement. He said, in not so many words, sure, make an appointment and come in, so: A. we’re beyond the date of relevance for supplemental medication, but B. I can still bill shit. Nice. Ask your doctor if cramming as many billing codes into a seven-minute checkup is right for you.

With Democracy On The Ballot, It’s Still Too Close To Call

Phoenix, AZ—Residing in a predominately republican community amidst one of the most populous red cities in the US reminds me of the book Lord of the Flies, but in the larval stage. [Preying DeSantis joke swatted with a newspaper by the editor]. When I lived in Pennsylvania, the Keystone State always sat in the political thick of things, but these days the southwest is making its own mark, well, at least in a mildly amusing way. Yes. I now describe the loss of our democracy as ‘mildly amusing.’  But, as an AZ resident, I almost feel like Governor-wannabe Kari Lake has a point. How is Arizona on the verge of pulling off this midterm upset? It’s shocking. My community only allows HOA-endorsed Blake Masters and Kari Lake signs to adorn our terminally beige subdivisions. Since relocating here, I decided to mark the calendar the day I overheard an intelligent conversation somewhere. Sadly, I overhear my share of chit chat while out in the local cafes, coffeeshops, and bars, but two plus years finds this calendar woefully empty. So, where are all these secretly liberal folks hiding? Now in Tucson or Flagstaff you have your typical conversational mixed bag: some good, some bad, and some ugly, but Phoenix (located in the most populated county, Maricopa) is a very different beast. I’ve described the libraries here thusly: it’s like if Gordon Ramsey threw up on Tucker Carlson at catechism. Yep, that pretty much captures the literary schiessgeist here in the Valley of the Sun. Two recent conversations were so disturbing I nearly intervened, but then I stopped to consider two things: rightwingers are allergic to any and all facts, and I have yet to meet my health insurance deductible this year. I find it stunning my state may yet help fend off disaster, or at least it seems so in this too close to call moment. The loss of democracy is still too close to call. Either way, don’t pop those champagne corks, kids. There will be a next red president, which means there may never be another blue one again.

Oh, wait, the republicans are gaining with in-person voting. Nice.

DNC Offering Free ‘Voting Day Disguise Kits’ For Liberal Arizona Voters

Phoenix, AZ—At this hour, armed vigilantes are stationing themselves near voting ballot boxes in the great state of Arizona and there is concern that as election day grows closer such intimidation tactics will only increase. These self-designated Election Integrity Officers are referring to themselves as …well, probably something with a lot less syllables. The Democratic National Committee is acting fast to counter this deplorable situation by ordering thousands of Voter Safety Kits. These are being rushed, right now, to every registered democrat in the state. Along with the above costume, this kit comes with a non-toxic Sharpie for blackening out your teeth. Studies suggest the less teeth the better. Also included is a pamphlet with common safe phrases that can be used when facing an armed person with the IQ of a turnip.

WildernessPunk: Invironment

No, it isn’t a typo. Invironment is a new term to encapsulate a few different ideas you’ve
probably heard before and perhaps a few you haven’t. The concept goes something like this,
“Nature and culture have grown less distinct and are now part of the same whole. Our species
has arrived at a point in human evolution we are close to only letting nature exist where we
allow it to do so.”

Free Range And Grass Fed Pokey V Zano Discussion

Zano: Hey Poke, so last week a court of law found the procedure of unmasking Michael Flynn appropriate, legal, and warranted? Remember that whole Rice and Obama should go to jail stuff from Fox & Friends?

Pokey: Ok, so they didn’t improperly unmask Flynn, but did they improperly unvaccinate the guy?

Zano: I see what you did there. Cheap shot [badum bump]. My old predictions on unmasking at the end of this article. I bring these up for pattern purposes, before banging my head against a wall. Oh, let’s not forget the Durham setback this week. Thus far, no one has been indicted in your endless Spygate ruminations. So over the last two decades, we still have …hmm, carry the one [eraser sounds]. Uh, zero indictments. Wait, let’s have a recount. Yep. Zip.

Pokey: Hold on. So why have all those Clinton Foundation “charity projects” withered since Bill and Hillary vacated politics? Answer: The Clinton Foundation only flourished because of politics. To suggest otherwise is as ridiculous as respecting Hunter Biden’s foreign business dealings as “legitimate.” They have proven themselves to be crime families. I’ve never supported the Republican’s foreign business dealings, including Trump’s, but to lend legitimacy to the Clintons and the Bidens—what you tend to do—is the problem.

Three White Dudes Locked In Egoville Equals WWIII

WWIII is shaping up nicely. First, we have the crazy uncle who watches Tucker Carlson, aka our resident sociopathic Russian, who just wants a little bit more room between himself and anything that smells remotely like NATO. He is an ego-driven, soulless type so, depending on how things go down, we can expect big things from him on the war escalation front. Then we have our own president, quick on the supersanctions, but really cast in the role of FDR for this round. He is happy to remain calm and keep up the pressure on Russia, at least financially, but he doesn’t really have the appetite for mutually assured destruction. Finally, we have Zelensky (the key player of key players), who started off strong but is now in a rather tough spot. The right decision to avoid catastrophe on a species-level is to call uncle, or at least uncle neutral. This is a bitter pill for Zelensky to swallow when your friends and family are being bombed back to the stone age by the person you need schmooze. Nevertheless, Operation Tepid Borscht is the only scenario that will halt Putin and it might just be the only thing that can save us. I realize gazpacho is more typically served hot or cold on this side of the pond, but borscht roles that way too. So let’s do this! If I were the US president—and both of my readers realize I should be—I would be brokering that neutral suppe-dealio, right now. And if you elect me, I will stop making borscht jokes from day one! 

The Rise Of The Leftwaffe And Why Comedian John Cleese Is Right: There’s No Hope

A lot of folks are asking me why I keep harping on liberal authoritarianism. Kidding, one of you is. Look, we know what the rightwing is and stands for, so there’s zero mystery there. They are irredeemables. And, yes, the only group who hasn’t figured this out yet—on the entire planet—is our republican friends themselves. Further proof comes from comedian John Cleese’s recent diatribe, citing the Dunning-Kruger effect as the main culprit (or see my related coverage from the early Pleistocene, here). Cleese said, “If you’re stupid, how could you possibly know how stupid you are? …this explains, not only Hollywood but almost the entirety of Fox News.” Rightwingers, nixed the Fox News part and repackaged the Cleese quote to make it look as if he was solely directing scorn at liberals. Laughably, this reworked meme rifled across rightwing social media, eventually arriving in my box as well. This only proves Cleese’s point, in a rather spectacular fashion. So I understand why liberals are so angry. In 2021, republicans have a lot to atone for and yet seem to be the only ones wholly oblivious to this fact, but that doesn’t mean we can lose sight of the Constitution. The Atlantic is finally covering this rising leftist version of fascism, which means, yeah, it’s happening.