Mount Olympus—Apollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this week’s solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, “Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have know idea how much we get around. We are like that Beach Boy’s song meets the Whore of Babylon. As I directed my fiery chariot behind the moon, I thought, let’s send these fools a message that even they can understand. Oh, and then I waved when I got over the D.C. area, because I knew Ass-Clown would probably look up.”
Many have asked, why do republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their BS. You know, that 1 dentist in 10 who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist! The result? Republicans have become the Cliff Clavin’s of human knowledge—a smatterings of truthiness, mixed with a hodgepodge of fecal mutter. Regardless of the subject, our republican friends seem ready to subsume the role of the professional. Have you noticed? In this way they can perpetuate their methane-based system of information, the breadth and scope of which… wait, I’m being told their against Scope too. Have all their wisdom teeth been extracted? Essentially republicans no longer represent an opposing view to liberalism, but to reality itself. Regardless of the subject matter, today’s entire republican platform is essentially pro-cavity.
[Toothless Tuesday joke removed by Bill Maher]
Tweet Tower—Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller said he was “as surprised as anyone to find a bonafide gun still emitting smoke not a hundred feet from the Oval Office.” During a preliminary sweep of the building, Mueller also found empty beer cans, a live chicken, and an inflatables sheep. “None of these are in and of themselves indictable offenses,” said Mueller, “but they are still worth mentioning. And, yes, it looked as if the sheep had been violated.”
Outer Portlandia—Missing November’s election has had clear consequences for young people and humans in general. In response, millennials across the country are banding together like never before, just to complain about shit. The majority feel gipped as they want their chance to end our republic. Thousands of angry Portlandians shouted obscenities and held signs today that read, “Please leave stuff for us to wreck!” and “I’m almost angry enough to vote!” A recent polls shows 75% of people under the age of 25 are still not planning to vote in the 2018 midterms, but more than 80% of this demographic intend to either continue protesting and/or join relevant FacbookWhineGroups.