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Prime Minister Of UK Fails To Brexit Pub Properly

Greenwich, ENG—After an evening of trying to forget President Trump’s visit, the UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May failed to successfully navigate the open door of a popular Greenwich pub. According to witnesses, May walked repeatedly into the wall right next to the door before finally crumpling in a heap in the entranceway. Many are wondering if the incident involved too many pints in short order, or if it signifies a shift in her political position from a ‘soft’ Brexit to a ‘much harder’ Brexit.

Trump Annexes The 4th Of July From Rest Of Planet!

Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.

*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).

Trump Denies ‘Wag The Dog’ Premise After Launching Operation: Look A Squirrel!

Tweet Tower—The west is a little shocked that the pile of rubble called Syria didn’t really notice last night’s charge of the Coalition of the Vaguely Interested. Who knew the Middle East could be so complicated? Meanwhile, on the resistance front, Rachel Maddow made some news of her own over on MSNBC. While the bombing was still underway, she perseverated on the whole Wag the Dog theory, which suggests our president is bombing someone (anyone) as a distraction from his own domestic woes. In the president’s defense, he is fighting some serious scandals on at least two fronts.

Witnesses Place Hillary Clinton At Trump Tower Moments Before Deadly Blaze

New York, NY—Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted moments before a fire erupted on the 50th floor of the Trump Tower high-rise, killing one tenant and injuring five Russian spies. The NYC Fire Department said, “The fire was under control about 9:00 PM, which is more than I can say for our President, who spent the night tweeting through the hallways and insisting that no one turn on the building’s five sprinklers to avoid further water damage. The cause of the fire has been ruled ‘Benghazi-like’ and may have been caused by lasers mounted to the end of our former Secretary of State’s fingers.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller Spotted Leaving Gypsy Fortune Teller’s Shop

Washington, DC—More Republicans are crying “foul” after a photo surfaced showing the Special Counsel, Robert Mueller, leaving a local fortune-teller’s shop on 43rd Street NW. The above photo of a shop, but not PhotoShopped, brings the credibility of the entire Russia-probe investigation into serious question. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, “Mueller really has a pair of crystal balls to attempt this shit. All year we’ve been trying to read the tea leaves only to find out that he’s actually reading the tea leaves. Does anyone have a quarter so we can ask Zoltar if Trump colluded with Russia? I.Am.Depressed.”

NRA Declares Open Season On “Anymore Sponsors Who Bail!”

The Heartland—The head of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, sent a controversial tweet earlier today. He said, “Any other sponsors who abandon the 2nd Amendment will meet an AK-AOK response!” Many are calling this tweet a veiled threat …well, if you take out the ‘veiled’ part #AK-AOKwMe. For the time being, LaPierre’s efforts seem to have quelled any further fundular egress (that’s a word). A key sponsor, FedEx, responded to today’s tweet by saying, “We are cool with Mr. LaPierre’s recent comments on gun control, even the stupid parts.”

Trump Offers Bonuses For Armed Teachers Through Innovative Death-Toll Point System

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is responding to the massive outcry to the recent Florida school shooting with a novel idea. Yes! He wants to write a book about it! Once he learns to read, of course. His other idea involves giving bonuses to armed teachers. Additional cash can be earned for both type of weapon as well as confirmed on-campus kill shots. There’s the potential for extra vacation time for 2nd Amendmenting any member of a minority, and double points will be rewarded for those also registered as a Democrat. With this small tweak to our nation’s educational system, The Donald hopes to enrich the lives of those involved with one of our most crucial occupations. He’s talking about the NRA’s executive management, of course.