Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the proposal are concerned about a Jurassic Park-style incident occurring at the facility. Dr. Hogbein has since downplayed the possibility of this scenario. “What part of cloning ‘just enough dinosaur meat to put in taco’ do you no comprende?” said Dr. Hogbein. “So you think some ground chuckosaursus may end up roaming around my island? Or maybe a pterotacosaur is going to flap over to the mainland to start a taco-breeding population? This is about eating them, people, with shredded cheddar and some salsa.”
CIA Headquarters—CIA director John Brennan took offense to Trump’s recent comment comparing the U.S. intelligence community to Nazi Germany. He warned the President-elect, “The CIA is not going to put up with your bullshit, mister. Someone had the same little chat with JFK.” He then called the recent disparaging remarks aimed at the intelligence community as “bigly dumb” and “wanktankerous”. The CIA Director then later admitted he made up the last word at a bar, during happy hour, at his favorite pub. Once sober, Brennan told the press his comments were still appropriate and later added, “Even the wanktankerous part.”
Washington, DC—Vice President Joe Biden spilled the beans earlier today on a galactic scale. UFOlogists have waited a long time for the government’s full extraterrestrial disclosure. What happened today was both validating and terrifying for UFO enthusiasts across the globe. A reporter from The Daily Discord asked the Vice President, “If our system of checks and balances do fail under Trump, is there any stopping him?” Biden responded, “Look, if Trump screws up bad enough I have no doubt that the Galacian High Council will intervene, with ray guns and shit.”
Toledo, OH—One of the designated electors for Ohio is currently trapped in a Starbucks, near the laptop bar. Tensions are mounting over Monday’s electoral college vote and nowhere is this tension more palpable than in Toledo. Jesse Smith was enjoying her triple grande salted carmel mocha at her local Starbucks when someone shouted, “Hey, she’s one of the Ohio electors for the electoral high school!” A second patron then shouted, “No, she’s one of the Ohio electors for the electoral college!” Within minutes Trump hate signs were hoisted, the crowd surrounded Mrs. Smith, and she was unable to reach the much-needed straw and napkin area.
Gotham City—The nation watches in anticipation as the president-elect, Donald Trump, vets key members of his future administration. He has chosen to shift the focus of his search to Arkham, an infamous Asylum for the criminally insane. Will his cabinet include Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, Newt Gingrich, or the Penguin? Dr. Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, will be conducting Tuesday’s tour of the facility and grounds. “He should think outside the isolation room for this one,” said Dr. Crane. “I hope he considers some of the lesser known talent, hidden away deep in the bowels of this important institution. Either Atomic-Man or the Electrocutioner would be well-suited to head the Department of Energy, and both of them have pending parole hearings. Two-Face would make the perfect Secretary of State and Mr. Freeze could single handedly combat global warming, well, if you believe in that sort of thing.”