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Study Suggests Trump Derangement Syndrome Linked To Having An IQ Above A Turnip

What exactly is Trump Derangement Syndrome? Offhand the words ‘Trump’ and ‘Derangement’ seem like a harmonious linguistic pairing, but the addition of the word ‘syndrome’ implies those concerned about Trump’s derangement are themselves deranged. Many theories are abound and, as usual, you can click and drag the republican version of events over to the nearest receptacle icon. Ctrl-Alt-Elite? As a blogger who predicted disaster at this historical juncture, I have a theory of my own. In 2017 if you are comfortable with the state of our union, you are the problem. See? That wasn’t so hard. You can call me the father of TDS as I planned to lose my shit no matter who on the right got the presidential nod. I’ve been organizing this whole Resist-type effort for well over a decade, and I expect to see all 11 members of the Zano Nation at my rally next Friday over at Hops on Birch. BYOB. You will have to smuggle it in as Hops is a bar.

This Day In Future History: Robots Thank Trump For Creating Thousands Of U.S. Cyborg Jobs

New Detroit 2019—The jobs report numbers are in and the president was all smiles today at CyberSoylent Bionics Tech. Many are blaming the President’s statistical confusion on his ongoing struggle with numbers and their meaning. One of the agency’s spokespods thanked Trump for not only putting “robots first”, but actually preferring them to people. At a press conference The White House correspondbot said, “Donald Trump has technically fulfilled a campaign promise to bring back manufacturing jobs. No further questions. Locking targeting system on four liberal reporters with their hands up. Please lower your hands and vacate the premises. Thank you, citizens!” (rapid gun fire, followed by inaudible screams.)

Trump To Constantly Stream Kidz Bop Compilation Of His Campaign Rallies To Cope With Scary Foreign Places

Agrabah—In preparation of his first big boy fieldtrip to the Middle EastPresident Trump directed his staffers “to find a way to keep me motivated and comfortable in Agrabah and Ishtar, and all the rest of the weird scary places they’re sending me next week.” The staffers thought to themselves, what does Trump really need for this trip, besides his ‘woobie’? The answer was obvious, endless mindless adulation (EMA). Team Trump then contracted with the owners of Kidz Bop to create a supportive Trump-friendly rally compilation. Not only did Kidz Bop take the job, they were convinced a series of editions could help the president through any number of the challenges ahead, not the least of which being his pending impeachment proceedings. They are even making an edition for Press Secretary Sean Spicer, complete with Buddhist chants covers, tantric relaxation ditties, and all the songs are interlaced with the sound his dog makes when he goes home and kicks it. 

The End Of Muppets RESIST? As Military Sweeps Through Sesame Street One Witness Describes Aftermath As “Fur Flurries Blanketing The Skies!”

Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”

As Trump Implodes I Would Like To Take A Moment To Remember The Brain Trusts Who Made Trump Possible

As Trump flares and burns across the night sky like a shooting star with too much beta-carotene, Fox News recently tweeted this gem. Last week, instead of covering the news, they got tens of thousands of people to retweet something that should be an embarrassment to their brand. Granted, finding Republican accomplishments is fast becoming Bigfoot rare, but this is absurd even by Fox News ‘standards’. Look at that above image again …take as long as you need. Sure Bush and Trump inherited strong economiesoperative word ‘inherited’. Simply put, history will grade Obama and Clinton’s economic prowess and accomplishments light-years ahead of Dubya and Trump’s. So you can shove the rest of your 24/7 anecdotal drivel up Hannity’s America (Mick drop).

Did Muppets RESIST Stunt Go Too Far? Statler Arrested, Waldorf In ICU

Tweet Tower—With the country still reeling from Animal and Crazy Harry’s attempt to blow up the White House, Muppet legends Statler and Waldorf attempted a grey-hair-brained scheme of their own. Taking advantage of the chaotic aftermath of Comey’s departure and what Statler referred to as “an obvious lapse in security”, the pair went all Dickens on Trump’s ass. The Muppets gained access to the White House under the false pretenses that they were actually Russian spies. Once inside the two allegedly ducked into a custodial closet, donned some chains and rags, and then entered the presidential bedroom, which Trump has since renamed the Mount Melanie Sweet. The President insists it’s a pun.

Calling Conservatives ‘Deplorables’ Is Deeply Unpopular, So How About ‘Unreachables’?

Apparently the term ‘Deplorables’ is not wildly popular amongst those deplorable people among us, so how about the ‘Unreachables’ or the ‘Irredeemables’? Or maybe we should channel some Vizzini and go with the ‘Inconceivables’? Our president enjoys historically bad early approval ratings and he’s flip flopped on almost every major campaign promise, yet only an astounding 2% of Trump supporters show any buyer’s remorse whatsoever. It reminds me of when Dubya left office, still holding a 70% approval rating in Kansas. Bad Economies Matter? Today our economic growth is slowing, our healthcare system is exploding, and WWIII is looming large (all way ahead of Trump’s golf schedule). Keep your guns, peeps, but you may not be able to afford the bullets soon. Silencer of the Lames?

Trump Claims Millions Of Illegals Who Voted For Hillary Flew To France To Tip Scales For Macron

Tweet Tower—In a presidential tweet many are calling ‘dumb’ and ‘stupid’, President Donald Trump conveyed his concerns that the same people who cost him the popular vote in the U.S. where recently flown abroad by George Soros to keep France from Frexiting. Donald Trump also tweeted why he is particularly sad, because “the word Frexit had a nice ring to it.”

Pope Summons Kandarian Demons From ‘Evil Dead’ To Combat Trump

Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”

Muppet World Rocked By Crazy Harry and Animal’s Failed Attempt To Blow Up White House

Washington, DC—The Muppets Resist movement entered an even darker chapter today after beloved characters, Crazy Harry and Animal, were arrested for hatching a Guy Fawksian-style plot to blow up the White House. Rockville police report the two were arrested without incident in a sock drawer outside of Glenn Hills, Maryland. Many in the intelligence community fear the pair were not working alone and may simply be “low-level Muppet operatives.” FBI director James Comey is refusing to comment, as the investigation is ongoing, but Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is asking what the rest of the world is already thinking, “What did Kermit know, and when did he know it?”