News & Politics

News & Politics

Hannibal Lecter Claims Tito’s Handmade Vodka “Not Made From Real Hands”

Earth’s Crust—Evil genius Hannibal Lecter is suing Tito’s, a popular Austin-based vodka company and makers of Tito’s Handmade Vodka. The 78-year-old convict is coordinating the lawsuit from his maximum security prison deep within the Earth’s crust. After testing a sample of the product at an undisclosed location, the known cannibal found no human DNA whatsoever in the liquor. This prompted the master criminal to initiate legal action against the company for false advertisement. Lecter told the Discord, “I couldn’t find any sign of human remains, hands or otherwise, in this product. It’s corn-based, not a hand-based, which is not going to sit well with me, literally. Furthermore, if I wanted a screwdriver it would only be to bury in the neck of one of the guards.”

Socialism Isn’t Evil, You’re Thinking Of Republicanism

My friend and blogvesary continues to ignore the very parallel dimension in which he resides. He refuses to acknowledge how liberals are thwarted, time and time again, when they attempt to push anti-corruption legislation. Today’s example is ‘dark money’. Both parties use lobbyist-laden dark money, aka untraceable donations that propel their agendas, but per Mother Jones reporting over the last decade the totals vary greatly: R = $763.2 and D = $235.8. This week the Resisters tried to pass HR 1, an anti-corruption bill that would make all money traceable, but Mitch McConnell called it a “socialist power grab” …boogey, boogey, boogey! Uh, read the title of this article again, Mr. McConnell. You’re showing your horns and Mitchfork again.

During President’s Absence ‘The Brothers Dim’ Redecorate The Oval Office

Tweet Tower—Eric Trump and Don Junior wanted to surprise their father this week so, as the president approved the spring dessert menu at Camp Donald, the Brothers Dim set to work ‘improving’ their father’s office. The Secret Service allegedly participated in the effort and pictures of everyone using the water-bong prompted Vladimir Putin to call the Oval Office to warn the boys that if they didn’t start acting their age he’d forward the photos to the president.

The Left’s Gatekeepers Vs The Right’s Pizzagaters

The alternate reality that is the rightwing media echo chamber came into focus after 9/11. There was always concern that our response to 9/11, not the event itself, would be our undoing. Osama bin Laden knew this even if Dubya, for all his stratgery, didn’t. Today we’ve reached the promised land, kids, a place where nothing in the Fox-Trump continuum even matches the findings of our own intelligence community. Yay, team ‘Murica! We are officially two separate countries and both of them are going tits up. Post Trump’s inauguration I predicted Fox & Friends would attempt to drive this whopping pile of Foxal matter through The White House by—

[‘F*** the Face of the Nation’ joke removed by the editor. Geesh, Zano, get back on those meds!]

WildernessPunk Solves The Immigration Issue

Since immigration reform is such a hot issue today I figured I’d go ahead and offer a quick and inexpensive solution. You might not agree with it, but you can’t argue with the profound logic. So please accept this tongue in both cheeks approach to using facts and  problem solving prowess in a manner both brilliant and controversial. But if you don’t at least consider this, you can’t blame me when there’s no wall and our immigration system remains broken. My idea is as simple as it is effective.

A Bond-Villain View Of The Trump Campaign

Wow, look how big my hands are

This diatribe is largely in response to Pokey McDooris’ recent spew about the righteous Republican takeover of the presidency after the heinous rule of Barack Hussein Obama. Poke, for someone that’s all bunged up about the manipulation of the government and usurpation of rights by Democratic big money interests, you are really riding the wrong hobby horse.

Per a post-article Zano-McDooris debate, you stated that the Democrats “framed Trump for conspiring with the Russians.” Dude, they didn’t frame him for shit. In the months following the start of the Mueller Investigation*, Trump and his posse have admitted to tons of questionable activity as it pertains to Moscow. Just from his public statements Trump has confessed to fostering conflicts of interest as well as obstructing justice. If it makes you feel better, I’m not convinced that the Trump Campaign did wittingly collude with the Russians to throw the election (although I’m reasonably sure that Mueller will make it so).

*Note the name “Mueller Investigation” as opposed to the “Russia Investigation” monicre thrown around by seemingly everyone. It is not an investigation into Russian collusion, despite what Trump says, although he’s probably saying it out of a feeling of guilt. The mandate is an investigation into interference in the 2016 election, potential involvement of the Russians, possibly in collusion with the Trump campaign, plus anything derived therefrom (the “Gotcha bitch!” clause).

Fox-Men: Infinity Wars

You have to love the neocons. No really, it’s going to be a law soon. Sure Trump’s foreign policy is all over the map, but let’s hope his military aspirations won’t be. I’ve never been a huge fan of our neocons and it’s curious why a group without any clear victories since WWII remains so confident. Their ability to flourish minus any actual positive feedback is legendary. They are like the tardigrades of the political world, tiny mindless soldiers who can thrive even in the icy void of space. The more hawkish side of republicana represents the last gasp of the rightwing intelligentsia, for whatever that’s worth. Sure the Goldbergs, Kristols and Krauthammers always represented the conservative ‘adults in the room’, but it doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Bill Kristol, an affable well-spoken type, always had military interventions on speed dial. His Weekly Standard just tanked, but before his neoconservative rag joined the choir invisible he floated the idea of regime change in China. No joke. I guess when your ideology is heading for a big fall, you might as well go out with a nuclear winter. In their defense, we can’t just have the best military in the world hanging behind the 7-11, right?  We’d need a bigger Gulp.

DNA Results Show Beto O’Rourke Is 15% Elizabeth Warren

Beto O’Rourke has yet to announce his 2020 presidential bid, but he has officially released part of the results of a political ancestry test. Mr. O’Rourke is apparently 15% Elizabeth Warren. O’Rourke has remained silent on the rest of his genetic make up, calling it, “Mostly junk DNA.” This move is not polling well with likely voters, however, as one woman from El Paso said, “I have the right to know if he’s got a little Bernie in him. Sanders genes would share way too much genetic material with any old RNA. Candidates should not get to pick and choose; they should release their entire political heritage. On that note, I’m hoping Cory Booker is mostly Michael Bloomberg.” Mr. O’Rourke is unphased by the wave of criticism and plans to travel the country next month shaking hands and kissing babies. He hopes this will emphasize the stark contrast between himself and the current president, who prefers to shake babies and kiss MILFS.