News & Politics

News & Politics

Last Call Of Cthulhu’s Closes Its Portal Forever

Dunwich, HPThe popular watering hole Last Call of Cthulhu’s is closing its portal forever after serving the greater Innsmouth area for nearly forty beers. The popular pub was known for its well drink specials such as: At The Mojitos of Madness, the Corpse Reviver XL, and their best seller, a not so basic Gin & Cthonic. The owner, an evil clergyman named Bob, only said, “It’s time,” and abruptly ended the interview by gauging out his own eyeballs before screaming his way into the sub basement. One patron said, “I liked when they played Thirsty Thresholds: anyone not dragged into the nether realms and devoured drank free! And on Mondays the first thing over the door step got half off their home brew, The Lurking Beer.” Despite the outpouring of nostalgia for the creepy place, Yelp reviews were always kind of hit and mythos.

Booker Drops Out Of Presidential Race To Spend Time With Family He Doesn’t Have Yet

Newark, NJ—When a reporter asked Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) about his decision to withdraw from the 2020 presidential race today, he said, “I want to spend more time with my family.” After a follow up question revealed he is currently single with no children, Mr. Booker backpedaled, mumbling something about, “Well, more time with somebody’s family, I guess. Look, I got shit to do, okay? I’m a busy man!”

Moon Places Earth On Cosmic Watch List

Earth—After some less than savory images appeared in the Australian desert in 2019, the moon has lodged a formal complaint with the Interstellar Decency Authority (IDA). In an exclusive interview with The Discord, the Moon said, “Look, all of the man’s down unders are exposed outback, right there in the down under. Get some ground cover on that shit, maybe a nice desert vine or some climbing fig. Whereas I, the moon, keep offering Earth views of the Sea of Serenity, the Sea of Tranquility, and the like, you people treat me once a month to some full frontal nudity. Oh, but I do like that big spider over at Nazca. More like that!”

[‘Didn’t Australia start as a penal colony?’ joke covered by the editor with a patch of climbing fig.]

Trump: Australia Fires Pose No Threat To U.S., Because There’s Lots Of Water Between Us

Tweet Tower—President Trump pulled out the old Sharpie and the whiteboard today in an attempt to quell public concerns regarding the fires currently raging in Australia. “There’s nothing to worry about as you can see here from this map,” said Trump. The president then pointed to where he believes the fires are currently located, Christchurch, New Zealand. Using a circular motion he then emphasized all of the water that exists between ‘Australia’ and the United States. Melania weighed in with some advice on how she has managed to quell her own ‘fires down under’ by offering some good referrals to a number of qualified and discrete physicians.

Bolton’s Literary Agent Speaks: The Time To Save Earth For Optimum Book Sales Is Now

Barnes & Ignoble—John Bolton was again thrust into the spotlight yesterday as calls for the Former Security Adviser’s impeachment testimony grows to a deafening meh. Theories for Bolton’s reluctance to testify vary, but his voice becomes even more crucial as the president hones his latest misadventure: Operation Where’s Tehran Again? Bolton issued a statement today, “I have conflicting obligations regarding my potential congressional testimony, or lack thereof, in the upcoming, or not upcoming impeachment hearings, which I can neither confirm nor deny. There is my obligation as a citizen to testify to congress, but I also have an obligation to honor executive privilege. Thus far I have chosen to honor the wishes of the White House, because they gave me the opportunity to masturbate, not once but twice in the Pentagon’s War Room. I also have an obligation to the people of this great nation …to probably clean up after myself next time. But I can tell you this much, I will not be testifying anywhere until America stops confusing me with Grammy Award winner, Michael Bolton.”

Sophist Philosophers Debate Trump’s Non-Impeachment Impeachment Conundrum

The Discord had the chance to interview several ancient philosophers regarding the Founder’s vision of impeachment proceedings. These discussions occurred during a Ouija board session that ironically included several session IPAs from Founders. Socrates admitted from the onset that he is a SINO, or a Sophist In Name Only, but Plato immediately argued he was never considered a sophist in the first place. Plato reasoned Socrates could potentially become one through the world of the senses, but then it would be more accurate to call this an ontological becoming. Neither would discuss Trump’s situation and told us to “piss off,” because they were just starting to watch season one of Hemlock Grove on Netflix. The sophist Zeno of Elea did comment on the impeachment by reminding everyone how an infinite number of halfway points exist between the House and the Senate, and since no one can traverse an infinite number of anything, he argued the Articles of Impeachment could never truly reach Mitch McConnell’s desk. He recommended both sides visit his pub at Penn State instead, but then argued against the journey by citing the same ‘motion is illusion’ premise.

This Day In History: Trump’s Relative Detained For Questioning After Assassination Of Archduke Ferdinand

Sarajevo, Bosnia—President Trump’s not so great grandfather, Friedrich Von Trumpenstein, was questioned after the slaying of the heir to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian empire, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, on Fifth Avenue. History claims a 19-year-old Bosnian was the shooter, but others claim Trumpenstein was named as a co-conspirator in the incident, or ‘Individual 1’ in the court documents of the day. The assassination eventually led to WWI, which led to WWII, which led to arguably the worst outcome: Pearl Harbor (2001) starring Ben Affleck. Witnesses to the incident claim a second shot rang out from a nearby grassy knoll, because that shit seems to happen in these situations. Others implicated in the shooting were: the Watchmen’s Comedian, the Smoking Man from the X-Files, and LBJ’s uncle Droop B. Johnson.

Controversial Tactic Used To Disperse Crowd Surrounding Baghdad Embassy

Baghdad, IQ—Many believe the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad was saved by the quick thinking of ambassador to Iraq, Mathew Tueller. Those close to the ambassador claim he was determined to not let his compound be “totally Benghazi’d,” so several naked sculptures and paintings of President Trump were positioned around the perimeter of the facility. On Tuesday hundreds of Iran-backed militants surrounded the embassy in response to what they perceive as The Daily Discord’s unfair coverage of the Kardashians. The reasons for the siege have not been independently verified, but we’re going with it.

Trump Sets The Barr Real Low For 2020: Vlad, If You’re Listening, Release The Pee Tape

My biggest pet peeve of 2019 is how our fearless leader refused to protect our elections. Today we find he’s actually blocking a bipartisan bill that punishes Russia for election interference. All roads not only lead to Moscow, but they lead right to a certain room at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. We had a two year “special” investigation that discovered the president was indeed compromised to Russia, but Mueller didn’t feel it was “part of his mandate” to explore? Then he releases a report that no one understood, or even bothered to read—that, in fact, a gag order is being issued right now to keep any of the damning parts out the hands of Congress. Then Post Mueller (PM) president resumes his high crimes and misdemeanors by extorting Ukraine the very next day. Fast forward to the impeachment, and there will be no witnesses and no fair jurors in the Senate, because the John-Boehner-created process employed in the House is deemed unacceptable. When you bury this shit, history is going to bury you. Seventeen witnesses laid out the entire narrative and what few grey areas remain can easily be filled in with article two of the impeachment, Obstruction of Congress. If you think there’s a case to clear this morally bankrupt, executive-brain-fart of a man, then make it. I have no delusions about a fair trial for this next phase, but at the very least I want people forced to state for the record that they support an active crime syndicate. Chuck and Nancy are right to try to make this a painful process. Quick, someone find Sir Laurence Olivier and a dentist costume. #IsItSafe?

Physicist: Trump Currently Exists In A Quasi State Of Impeachment And Non-Impeachment Duality

Tweet TowerOver the Christmas recess President Trump finds himself in a very strange and precarious yule-time political state, one in which he is clearly impeached, yet not quite impeachedat least not until the articles of impeachment reach the Senate. Historians fear that, if unresolved, the asterisk next to his name will require a second asterisk. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pho, explains, “The president resides simultaneously in both political realities. You can not say he is impeached, but you can not say he is not impeached. You could say he is not-not impeached, but I wouldn’t go there-there. I would go halfway there, intermittently, and wait for someone to look, because both quantum and impeachment states require a witness. On a side note, I like to collapse quantum states when I am, or am not, being ejected from a local establishment. Quantumatically speaking, when the impeachment moves to the Senate, it hinges on the presence of an observer, but here’s the rub: if quantum collusion has already occurred, no matter how far Trump has the witnesses driven into the swamps of New Jersey, Bells Theorem kicks in. And it’s never a good idea to have a Bell involved when you’re attempting to bury the bodies. Einstein called this, Spooks Activate To Find Bodies At A Distance.”