News & Politics

News & Politics

Elon Musk Secretly Amish

Lancaster, PA—Shortly after SpaceX announced its intention to head for the red planet next year, the CEO of the company, Elon Musk, inadvertently revealed his Amish heritage. It all started when friend and fellow space pioneer, Richard Branson, invited Musk to his private island, but he declined the offer, saying, “I have to go back home this weekend to help my friends build a barn.” Later that week, this image surfaced showing a bearded Musk, engaging in decidedly Amish activities. 

The GOP Should Consider Shifting Four Amendments Over: From Freedom Of Speech To Your Right To Remain Silent

After another vigorous yet inconclusive volley with my old blogvesary, I realized what a long, strange blogging trip it’s been. I disapprove of what you say, my friend, but I will defend to the death your right to blog it …well, after I take out the stupid parts and add some jokes. Ha! Republicans invariably think liberals are ignoring the facts, when in reality facts are simply not their thing. Nothing Hannity or Limbaugh covered last night was even mentioned by the lamestream media! Amen. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with each accusation that arrives at the speed of right. Fast & Spurious? Uranium None?

Discord Signs Agreement With Russian Web Traffic Coordinator For Free Trial Until November!

The Russians are helping! The Russians are helping! The Daily Discord is pleased to announce a prominent Web Traffic Analyzer from Moscow, John Smith, plans to help our website receive more traffic by expanding our social media presence and improving our Google ranking. And, since they are such big fans, they’re offering an extended free trial for their services until November 6th, 2018. Wow! What a deal! All we have to do in return is share one daily post on all of our social media platforms. It’s awesome! They even write this daily post for us. They explained the key is in improving SEO ranking through relevant key word searches. Here’s one of the templates, designed specifically for this website, to help us on our way to Pay per Click advertising: Hi, We at ________ think the Democratic candidate is really bad for America. He/She will bring about the end of America. Very bad. And he/she will take your guns! I know him/her personally and they are like that. Please save America and your guns! Спасибо.

Kushner: A Shift From ‘Top Secret’ to ‘Secret’ Just Means I Can’t Tell You My Clearance Level, Because It’s Secret

Washington, DC—Jared Kushner, the president’s senior son-in-law, is believed to have obtained double O something-or-another security status. The White House is denying his clearance has even been downgraded. Mr. Kushner told the press today, “My level changed is all, so my clearance could be higher, or lower. It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. My security may have shifted to ‘Ultra’, ‘Platinum Secret’ or maybe even ‘Unleaded’. But if I told you I would have to kill you. There’s your only hint about my clearance level. Yeah, bitches, that’s what I’m talking about …or, in this case, not talking about.”

Most Complete Snuffleupagus Remains Discovered In Northern Alaska

The Frozen North—At the edge of the permafrost region of the Alaskan Arctic Circle-K, just north of the Home Depot, a group of intrepid explorers have discovered the best preserved remains of the elusive Snuffleupagus. Expedition head Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, told reporters, “This discovery changes everything we know about early Pleistocene Muppets. For one thing, it looks like they could fly short distances and, apparently, they liked to hang out deep inside of glaciers. It also means I never should have prescribed all those injectable anti-psychotics for his friend Big Bird. Oh well, live and learn.” Dr. Hogbein was later found in downtown Anchorage asking locals, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No, really. It’s for science.”

Today’s Zyprexa injection was brought to you by the letter Z.

Fascism Creep And More Carrion For The Wolves Of Wall Street

This week’s fascism watch is rather extreme, even by normal Republican ‘standards’. Eighteen states, primarily of the Freedom Circus variety, are pushing a bill that undermines peaceful assembly. Yep, you heard rights, folks …as they vanish. If anything turns ugly during a protest, the organizers—not the Nazi, hooligan Trump-lovin’ instigators—but the organizers are more likely to face steeper fines and charges. And running over protestors is now encouraged, well, as long as they’re libs. Safe Space 2000? Sheriff Joe for President: ‘Carcerations R’ In! If this schitznik passes, our torch wielding, white supremacist friends can crash our parties with more free wheeling, wanton abandon. Gee, why are they trying to tamp down peaceful protests during the Age of Ass-Clown? Hmmm. Reminds me of that old SNL bit: Bad Idea Jeans. Fox & Friends have managed to avoid covering the deconstruction of our republic through the act of asking endless irrelevant questions about unrelated topics. Let’s award some partial credit as they’re helping to create an oligarchy without even knowing what the word means. Multi-asking? So where are their constitutionalists now? Silence of the Lames?

*SpongeBob Square-State joke removed by the editor.

And The Academy Award For Best Picture… Groundhog Day!

Hollywood, CA—In a decision to help put Hollywood out of its misery, Faye Dunaway and Warren Betty are back on the stage for the 2018 Oscars …or maybe the Emmys, who knows? Whatever’s on the card. Only an estimated 17 people of the original 3,000+ will be in attendance on March 4th for the 90th annual Academy Awards, as the remainder have seen their #MeToo shadow and scurried back to their burrows for six more weeks of Twitter.

The Current 2020 Trump Campaign Slogan Favorite: ‘No Hope’

Tweet Tower–Shortly after the announcement that long time Communications Director Hope Hicks would be leaving her position at the White House, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders said, “The president is already turning this into a positive. He is creating a new campaign for 2020. No Hope! It really says it all, and it fits nicely on a button.”

My Last Feature On The Futility Of Arguing With A Republican Sparked A Dynamic Debate *Sigh*

Of course my recent post Study Finds Debating Table Lamp More Engaging Than Average Republican triggered a spirited debate. Ahhh, irony, it’s what’s for Discord. It was a much better debate than the lead up to the presidential election. Not that that’s saying much. My friend and blogvesary, Pokey McDooris, is all up in arms about this “salacious and unverified” dossier as it relates to the Russia probe, but what if it’s accurate? Is it really such a stretch that Mr. “Grab ’em by the pussy” could be salacious in private? Any port in a Stormy? And, if it remains unverified, don’t we just need a urine sample?

Manafort’s Business Partner, Rick Gates, Denies Any Ties To Russia: Discord First To Coin Phrase ‘Gates-Gate’

Flagstaff, AZ—Rick Gates, business partner to Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort, will likely plead guilty to charges this week brought by special prosecutor Robert Mueller and his team. Even prior to the pending guilty plea, The Discord is touting its wordsmithular prowess by coining the phrase “Gates-Gate”, one that will likely go down in the annals of Discord history as “meh”. Rick Gates likely knows everything Manafort does, so if he ‘flipped’ and there was any collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, this may well be, in the immortal words of Redd Foxx, “The big one, ‘lizabeth!” It is the belief of this writer that ultimately Gates-Gate will trigger the fall of this president. Look, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badly. Offhand, this seems much worse.”