News & Politics

News & Politics

White House Staffer Leaks The Actual Cognitive Test Administered To The President

 

Tweet Tower—Under the increased speculation regarding the president’s fitness for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed “exceedingly well” on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained  mostly tailored questions that the president had already answered at one time or another in tweet form. The physician also failed to follow standard scoring practices, often awarding partial credit to the president for picking something ‘right next to’ the correct answer.

The Neurobiological Proof Of The Rept-publican Brain: Left Insula V Right Amygdala

Does Donald Trump represent some political aberration, or is he fast becoming the new abnormal? Republicans themselves are certainly downplaying the president’s odd behaviors, mannerisms, fits and tweets. The reason? It’s the parallel downward tracks for both our president’s cognitive health as well as the Republican collective as a whole. There is simply not as much distance as there should be between Trump’s level of consciousness and the average Republican voter. Is there even any room left in their tent for complete sentences? Neurobiological explanations are starting to surface that offer clues as to why conservatives can’t seem to process information effectively. Meanwhile, the last of the rightwing intelligentsia is pulling an Elvis. Darryl Issa (R-CA) marks the 30th Republican retirement, and apparently the remaining brainiacs are full-blown insomniacs. Trump and Hannity reportedly get very little shut-eye, so they’re probably actively hallucinating during their important coaching sessions. Going down in a blaze of auditory? Meanwhile, Trump is the first president in history that dementia might actually help his legacy. Good thing we didn’t go with the competent woman with that terrible cough *cough*.

Post Trump’s Remarks The King Center Spares No Expense Spinning Tomb Of MLK Jr. For Entire Weekend

Atlanta, GA—The King Center has rented apparatus to have the Atlanta tomb of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and his wife Coretta Scott King rotated for the entire MLK weekend. The center’s board of directors finalized the decision yesterday after President Trump referred to Haiti and African countries as ‘shitholes’. CEO of the center and MLK’s youngest child, Bernice King, said, “We think it’s what our father would have wanted to do this weekend, and he might actually be spinning in there anyway, so we just hope we got the direction right.”

Trump Only Agrees To Meet With Special Prosecutor On Twitter Forum

President Trump wants the Mueller’s investigation to wind down as soon as possible, but one potential delay may include the counsel’s request for a direct interview with the president. Mueller’s team wants a sit down face to face meeting, but the president made it clear he only does interviews with Sean Hannity and only when the questions are sent to him way ahead of time. The president is also requesting no more than five questions, with explanatory pictures, as well as periodic statements that he is not actually under investigation and that he’s doing a fine GREAT job as president.

Human Remains Discovered In Senior White House Advisor’s Freezer!

Tweet Tower—Several pounds of frozen people parts were discovered in Ziploc bags in White House advisor Stephen Miller’s freezer during a raid Monday night. Mr. Miller stated he’s “not sure” how the remains got there, but he is willing to work with investigators on finding some really tasty seasonal soup dishes. Agents noted how several movies were found at the Miller residence, including: Dahmer Kitchen Diaries, Silence of the Lambs: The Musical, as well as Sautéing Private Ryan. His bookcase contained such titles as The Cannibal Cookbook; The Good, The Bad and the Stir-fried; and a signed copy of Liberals: The Other White-House Meat. On a related note, a recent Discord survey found eight out of ten of those polled: “would have been surprised if human remains had not been found in Stephen Miller’s freezer.” 

The Trump Doctrine: Tweet Oftly And Carry A Big Button

Only one year into this cocky horror picture show and our Republican friends are already circling the old wagons. Much uncertainty clouds the onset of year two of the Greatest Administration on Earth, so it’s time for some more prognostic magic. As for the Russia-probe, the surprising effectiveness of the Hannity-led attacks on the FBI and Mueller’s team is muddying the waters. No matter how wrong Republicans get, doubling down with mindless distractions seems to serve them well. The difference with this round? The rule of law itself hangs in the balance. We are now faced with two terrible choices: Jeff Sessions remains the Attorney General and further militarizes the police, re-ignites the failed war on drugs, tramples state-laws, destroys a ton of new businesses, all while stuffing our prisons to the brim with more non-violent offenders, or choice two: Sessions is sent packing in the next couple of weeks or months in favor of a new AG who, before taking the job, agrees to reign-in the Mueller investigation. For this scenario there is clearly the potential for a more successful Saturday Night Massacre, one that allows an indictable ass-clown to remain in office. Archibald Cox sucker? But fear not, I know how this all ends! (Hint: think Rogue One meets Bambi’s mother over at The Green Mile.)

DOJ To Investigate New Trump Playground’s ‘Unpresidented’ Access And Instances Of Quid Pro Kid

Mar-a-Lego—A new playground is at the center of a brewing White House controversy. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is under mounting pressure to investigate claims that the president is using a playground in Springfield to recruit new administration members and staffers and get them to join his Trump Youth movement. The Discord’s Cokie McGrath staked out the playground yesterday. “These kids are getting ‘unpresidented’ presidential access that could influence Trump’s policy making decisions,” said McGrath. “Will Trump’s wall come complete with some cool tunnels, slides, and a built in jungle gym? I have already discovered laundered money, counterfeit money, and lunch money on the premises. Everything is under the table here. Really, it’s right under that picnic table and some of it looks really dirty, like it’s been in the mud puddle at the end of the slide.”

China: 130-Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Eggs Sold As 130-Million-Year-Old Egg Dish

Dim Sum restaurant owner Li Sun not only helped discover a clatch of old dinosaur eggs at a construction site near his home, but he’s serving them as a million-year-old egg special that includes shredded pork and rice congee. The #12 on his menu is a favorite among the culinary adventurous. Sun admits the eggs are “a little hard”, but otherwise they are a popular novelty item. Sun admits some of his customers have chipped their teeth during the ingestion process, but overall the feedback has been positive. “There is a dentist right next door,” said Sun. “That’s a small price to pay to say you ate a dinosaur. So the only thing to fear is, well, you should also avoid the #14. It’s a little chewy and we’re not really sure why.”

Disparity, What’s Your Policy? E Deplorable Unum: Out Of The Tax Plan Rides The One Percent

The U.S. just received one of the worst disparity of wealth scores among developed countries by the World Economic Forum, and this dismal achievement occurred before the pending carnage of Trump’s new tax plan. Luckily Republicans can’t discern if any country, or if any thing is even developed [Roy Moore joke removed by the editor]. Today our nation’s disparity trails even Russia’s …you know, the country at least partly responsible for our current State of the Union. From Russia with Lube? St. Petersbugger? Katherine the Make America Great Again? [Roy Moore’s horse joke removed by the editor].

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Cryptosubologist Posits Giant Submarine Once Dominated Our Oceans

Oceans 11 (because our oceans go to 11)—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Casino, has put forth a controversial new theory of our ancient oceans. Dr. Hogbein believes the early Ordovician period, traditionally believed to have been dominated by giant nautiloids and hemorrhoids, was actually ruled by a giant extinct submarine known as megalasub. “These were truly giants of the deep,” said Hogbein, “Nothing could have stood a chance against a submarine that could grow to the length of 375 meters. Could you imagine if Subway served a 375 meter long sub? I can’t, thankfully.”