25 Conservatives: 37 Psych Diagnoses

Mick Zano

Why is the GOP doomed, you ask? I came across this list of the 25 most influential conservatives of 2013. At any given moment, nine out of ten of these folks qualify for my state’s involuntary psychiatric commitment process. But, on a good note, the Affordable Care Act should help cover their inpatient stays.

Check out the list, here. How long can one political party bank on the defunding of education as their sole long term strategic plan? At this rate, I’m afraid we’re going to find out.  A reader recently asked, “Hey, both sides are crazy, Hannity, Olbermann, Limbaugh. You used to hate everybody, Zano, what happened?”

Umm, dude, Olbermann is gone—long gone. That’s the difference. The left has at least some ability and mechanisms in place to police themselves. I’m talking to you, Sharpton. Meanwhile, the GOP has waaaaay more to fix, yet incredibly, they haven’t even identified the problem. Did you read that republican list? If any of them come near my child, I’m calling the police.  Knowing people like that are wandering around our districts makes me want to rethink my position on gun control legislation. Kidding, just start funding mental health.

This list is a snapshot in time of the relative mental health and wellbeing of the Republican Party.

This list is a snapshot in time of the relative mental health and wellbeing of the Republican Party

Malkin? Drudge? Limbaugh? Hannity? Beck? Palin? Boehner? The Koch Brothers (aka, Pinkie and the F-ing Brain)? McConnell? Brent Bozo (who I destroy here and here). Really? Most influential? No Ann Coulter, but I’m sure she came in at #26.

Here’s the Dems 25 most influential members:

  1. Olbermann
  2. Olbermann
  3. Michael Moore
  4. Olbermann
  5. Nancy Pelosi
  6. Olbermann
  7. Olbermann
  8. Oprah
  9. The View
  10. Oprah while a guest on The View
  11. Olbermann
  12. (Ibid through 25)

This is what the GOP thinks constitutes the Dem’s side, but it’s a joke list. The GOP’s list is real, but is a joke. Oh, and Greg Gutfield, Fox’s Red Eye guy, also made their cut. I admit two comedians would make the Dem side, Stewart and Maher, but they’ve earned it. They give thoughtful interviews, they host great shows and sometimes they actually break news…oh, and more importantly, they’re funny. Besides, I prefer cynical and right over douchey and wrong, every time…and more importantly, I’m funny.

A successful Republican revival, especially in their current avatard, would spell doom. It would spell doom incorrectly, of course, but it would be doom nevertheless. There’s no doubt in my Malkin. The world is far too dangerous, the global economy is far too fragile, our issues are far too complex to allow their disturbing grade school ideology anywhere near The White House.  Luckily, I don’t think it’s going to happen, well, thanks to my strong work and the staunch support of my seven fans.

[Winslow’s Note: I just checked the stats and seven is a bit of an exaggeration]

The only two brains on the whole list are McCain and Krauthammer, but McCain is the Brain of Christmas Past and Krauthammer remains articulately wrong on any given topic.  And he represents the cream of their Krauthammer. I, as a behavioral health type dude, once collectively diagnosed the GOP thusly:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

This never gets old, because it’s accurate. Full article here.  But when I wrote this, the GOP was healthier. I will say it again, their only hope to regain power is a 2nd and final collapse, which becomes more likely with every non-decision they make.  The GOP seems insistent on our demise.

Don’t believe me? Another over-the-top statement? An Andrew Sullivan-style a Michael Moore award moment? Every time something horrible has happened in recent history, something tangible—something that personally impacted me or my finances—a republican was most culpable. Meanwhile, they’re worried about a whole host of abstractions, fantasy scenarios, and what-ifs, aka Fringe politics. And in their world I hope the Observers win.

Ben Bernanke cited one of the main reasons he’s not turning off the Fed spigot yet: the uncertainty of the GOP shutting down the government. It was similar when Standard and Poor’s downgraded us; they cited the Tea Party. If we all lose our shirts next month because a stock market crash caused by the perpetually misinformed, can we please start deporting republicans? Isn’t it time? But what country would have them? Hey, I got it! What’s one more settlement in the West Bank…between friends?

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.