Dear GOP, I Think You’re Choking On Something


popetrumpA headline over on Drudge yesterday read “Christians Under Siege!” Yes, I took the bait and made the mistake of reading the whole article. The assaults on Christianity are always a variation of the same two: Christians are now forced to watch other people marry the person they love and/or not everyone says “Merry Christmas” as enthusiastically as our Founding Father’s envisioned. Some people even have the audacity to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” on December 25th .you know, Saturnalia. The main point of this same article shifted to southern Christian conservatives burden to make sure they choose the right, God-fearing candidate. This is a tremendous burden, indeed, as they must decide whether their party should tack stupid, or tack reeeally stupid. I think if Hercules had to choose between these jokers, he’d be like, “Can I just wrestle the giant squid again, please?”

If you recall, the movie Under Siege placed Steven Seagal on an aircraft carrier that is then boarded by a bunch of mercenaries. The word “siege” essentially means blockade, or “a military operation in which enemy forces surround a town or building, cutting off essential supplies, with the aim of compelling surrender.” Isn’t this A Little Overzealous? … which is a much better Seagal movie, by the way, wherein he’s forced to share a cramped Chicago apartment with an evangelical midget.

Do Christians have to wrestle passed angry mobs to get to their pews? Are atheists blocking shipments of holy wafers on Sundays? I think what they really mean is they’re feeling underappreciated. Were Christianity an ancient castle, no one would be sieging so much as failing to leave enough chocolate and flowers outside the old portcullis anymore *sigh*.

I have nothing against this bunch; I have a great respect for spirituality, but you have to admit Christianity has more baggage than Jeb & Hillary combined. Hey, maybe they could be a ticket!


Jeb & Hillary 2016: Yeah, There’s Going To Be Some Extra Fees At The Airport.

The history of Christianity is a little spotty, as are their followers’ current voting practices. I have no doubt they feel persecuted in the 21st century, as paranoia is clearly the thought distortion of choice for their ilk. It certainly is for their political party, and the two have gradually become sinonymous (pardon the pun).

Here’s where I agree with their argument: I think the ACLU needs to chill out and stop trying to wipe the country clean of any sign of our religious heritage. Whereas the ACLU is correct in that there should be no new statues or crosses constructed on federal land or in government buildings, nor should they be using tax payer dollars to tear down existing ones. Don’t you have anything better to do? Like downloading midget porn? I also agree that too many Muslims across the globe make right-wing Christians seem… uh, sane.


Dear Christianity,

Striving toward something called ‘fairness’ is very different than persecution.



P.S. A Pew research poll suggests you’d have a clearer perspective on stuff if you slept-in on Sundays.


In Pokey’s last article, he used the old hackneyed line, “Dems have nothing, no new ideas.” Umm, bad liberal ideas tend to work far better than good Republican ones. Christians cry ‘persecution’, but usually it’s more about society’s failure to adhere to their dogmatic whims. And I love Marco Rubio’s line this week, “The Constitution is not a living and breathing document.” Have you heard of something called the amendments, Marco? Maybe you’re right, the 2nd one sounds like bullshit to me. The GOP is tied so closely with, not the spirit of Christianity, but the dogma part. Things always get worse when one group of people believe they hold the golden ticket to the afterlife. When there’s only one way up the mountain, shit goes south. Here’s a brief history of religion:

“I’m going up the (spiritual) mountain over here.”

“No, that’s not the way to go up the mountain.”

“What the hell are talking about, we’re at the same level?

“No we’re not.”

“I’m just over by these rocks and you’re over by those trees.”

“Oh and if you say hell, you have to go back down.”

“You said it too.”

“Oh, you tricked me!” (explosion, gun fire)

Follow Jesus. Follow Allah. Follow the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which reminds me, I’m starting a Spaghetti Monster Facebook Meetup group on Sundays at Firecreek. Not too early, of course. Did you watch the last debate?

Stage hands prepare for the South Carolina Republican presidential candidates debate in Myrtle Beach

*Trump and Pope image courtesy of Mr. Greg Sherman.button(3)

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