Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope. Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one. Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia. It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso. It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it. Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.
A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink “has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break.”
By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto.
They would also like to add, “Fuck you, Red Bull.”
Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy. They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.
Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters. This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster. Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.