The Pentagon—Our nation’s Defense Department is in peril after an ordering glitch has left hundreds of key desktop and laptop computers vulnerable to cyber attack. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta is also concerned about potentially damaging malware and spyware. Norton Internet Security 2012 apparently changed the amount of times the critical software can be downloaded per purchase. Panetta maintains Norton failed to notify the Pentagon of these important changes.

During a joint press briefing, Panetta said, “Our situation is dire. We thought we purchased enough antivirus for all of our computers, but our calculations fell well short of the mark. We also had at least forty instances of people not writing down the registration code on the disc itself. We have procedures to keep this from happening, but they were ignored. It’s why we give everyone in the Defense Department a Sharpie. It’s not so they can sit at their desk and sniff ‘em. This isn’t the F-ing State Department for f^&%’s sake!”

Panetta believes the amount of porn he personally downloads each day opens the doors wide open for the potential hacking of a number of sensitive files.

“I didn’t sign onto this job to give up midget porn,” said Panetta. “Midget porn first, country second. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic. And don’t even get me started on lesbians. Really, I wouldn’t do that.”