Hatfield, PA—Earlier this week the CHL, parent league to three Canadian Major Junior Hockey leagues, the WHL, OHL, and QMJHL, announced that starting with this year’s draft, European goalies will only be eligible in the first round. This restriction will radically decrease the number of European goalies in the league.

“For me, it’s all about opportunity,” said Ron Tugnutt, the CHL’s former goalie consultant. “There’s nothing wrong with goalies in our country and there’s nothing wrong with how we’re developing them. They’re just getting, as Roman Maroni once said, ‘pucked up the ice hole.’”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and winger for the Castoffs, a Hatfield 30+ Men’s C-League team, disagrees, “I think Canadian twelve-year-olds are bunch of whiny pussies. The reason they’re not getting ice time is because they suck.”

Winslow has extended an invitation to any European goalie excluded from the draft due to this new ruling. “Hey, we don’t play this exclusionary shit,” said Winslow. “Consider this an honorary puck to citizenship. Hell, even our ‘men’s league’ team has a chick on it, so I think we can easily wave that 30+ crap. I’ll even take a twelve year old girl; especially a twelve year old girl. The one on my team makes Zdeno Chara look like…well, a twelve year old girl.”