Unemployment Compensation for Dummies

Dave Atsals

Only in Pennsylvania, although I doubt it, can you break a state law when you’re working, be convicted, and still collect unemployment compensation if terminated for this transgression.  The unemployment office recently ruled that a company, who fired an employee for selling cigarettes to someone under the age of eighteen, had to pay their unemployment.  The employee in question was trained properly, knew the policy and the law, and still sold cigarettes to a minor (not the cave dwelling kind, though that should be against the law too, like they really need it…sorry).  Anyway, they not only committed this crime, but were caught in a government run sting operation, cited, plead guilty in court, and were later beheaded (first offense).

Officials also cited the store for the employee’s incompetence, or blatant disregard for the law.  For this infraction, the un-employment board rewarded this individual unemployment compensation for losing their job.

For all of you dope-selling welfare-loving hippie-peeps seeking the services of Thai Hookers, or checking out the dailydiscord.com on company time, don’t be dismayed.  Get cited, get convicted, get fired, and get unemployment compensation today.

Please note: this was under the George W. Bush era.  Under the new Obama program, you no longer need to be cited and convicted, just fired.  Next you will not need to be fired, just tired of going to work every day.

Ohhh, if you’ll excuse me, some sixteen year old girls are trying to buy some Snicker bars…I think a pack of Marlboros on the house is in order.

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