Dave Atsals

Eternal Damnation, Probably

Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, “No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave.” This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

Act 1:  Alter Falter (which is also Charley Manson’s Next Album)

Place:  My friend Steve’s wedding, Hackensack, NJ

Year:  1994

Circumstance:  They had alter girls at the wedding and after settling in at the table to enjoy the reception festivities, we began discussing this fact.  I soon offered my opinion, “The Church probably felt more comfortable with the little girls around the priests than the little boys.”  I knew I had a problem as I watched Mick Zano’s cringing facial expression.  He motioned over my shoulder and, when I turned around, the priest who presided over the wedding ceremony was in the chair directly behind me.

This conversation then commenced:

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  probably.

Act II:  And The Lord Said Let There Be…Crap

Place:  The Genetti Hotel, Williamsport, Pa.

Year:  1998.

Circumstance:  The maintenance department was checking the fuses because they where not labeled.  They were shutting off all the power in the hotel and then turning the fuses back on, one by one, so they could label the newly installed panel box.  I was working at the time and figured this would be a great time to hit the can.  While using the urinal, in the dark, a man walked in next to me and shined a light on his crotch. Figuring it was the other maintenance man, I said, “Hugh, I didn’t need a light to find mine in the dark.”

Just as I said this the lights came on. Not only could I see the man next to me using the urinal, I could see his white collar of priesthood. 

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Act III:  Use Jugs Not Drugs

Place:  The First Church of Christ

Year:  2000

Circumstance:  I was a bartender at the time period and got to bartend at the big Mardi Gras Celebration.  The Mardi Gras Celebration in Williamsport is known for topless women who often love to pose with their bartenders.  I got to be in several of these, my favorite of which was with a woman aptly named Jugs.  She posed by laying one of each of her…um, you know, on each of my shoulders.  I was in heaven at the time.  So there go 15 of the disposable camera’s 24 pictures. The last nine of which I took at my son’s first Holy Communion.

I guess you can see where this is going… 

My wife developed the pictures not knowing that I did not take them all at church.  She even shared them unknowingly with Father Pete.  As I saw her doing this I made a mad dash towards them just in time to hear the priest say, “Look at those…um, you know.”

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Father Pete:  Probably.

Act IV:  Blessed Are The Steelers

[Winslow: IIII is not a Roman numeral, Dave]

Place:  Annunciation Church

Year:  not sure.

Circumstance:  At his first holy confessional my son told the priest he had sinned because, “My father told me I did.”  He explained that when he had recently tried to watch cartoons on Thanksgiving I had told him it was in the Bible that you had to watch football on Thanksgiving. His grandfather later confirmed this important nugget of wisdom and even claimed it was from the book of Genesis.  While being stopped by the priest on the way out and lectured about this misguided information the conversation went like this:

Dave:  Am going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Well, there you have it folks, four strike…four strikes and you’re bound for hell. Well, probably.

Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances

Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

  1. Peeing in a mop bucket on a sales floor is not permitted and will not be tolerated in the future.
  2. Peeing outside on a dumpster with people loading up flooring in clear view is not acceptable either. If you must, use the mop bucket. (OK, I added that last part.)
  3. Asking a customer if their breasts are real or slightly cosmetically altered is grounds alone for termination as it clearly violates our sexual harassment policy.
  4. Making up your own names for carpet products will no longer be tolerated. You must start calling them by their proper names. For example, no referring to “spring mist carpet” as summer’s eve hump.” Similarly, “magic fresh carpet” should not be referred to as “anti-stink” or “hung under your armpits.”
  5. Asking customers if they will keep you if you follow them home, and to feel how hard your eraser is, will no longer be tolerated moving forward. Neither is making cow or pig noises behind the back of our slightly overweight patrons.

I wish I could say I was making this up, but those who know me understand it’s all part of a complex and difficult-to-treat personality disorder. Or at least that’s what that shrink-wanna-be, Zano, keeps telling me.

I then explained my side of the story, point by point, in reverse order:

5.   Yes, I am really sorry about the pig noises. The oink stops here. But the fact is these people were not slightly overweight, but morbidly obese and often dressed as if this fact were news to them. Hell, a few even smelled bad. What do they expect?

4.   I already apologized for making up my own names for your carpets, but quite frankly your names suck. I cannot look that 6’6″ man in the eye and tell him that carpet named “Teddy Bear” would be a great fit for him.

3.   If she did not want a comment on her breasts, she shouldn’t have been flopping them around in my face. This isn’t a ‘blame the victim’ thing, it’s a blame the surgeon thing. Did you see those puppies?

2.   I am sorry for taking a leak outside, but trust me Billy Bob did not mind. He told me earlier they had no running water at their house so I was trying to make him feel more at home—just as you instruct me to. And, yes Mr. Billy Bob, I am sorry your wife saw my manhood, but that wasn’t the first time, so relax.

1.   Well, I guess there was no excuse for this, but it was funny as hell! Ask anyone. Except the victims, of course.

The head of HR was not really impressed with my answers for some reason and a lecture ensued. She stated, “Dave these are not the only things you’ve done to jeopardize your employment. Just your general day to day attitude needs an adjustment for you to continue working here. There will be no more standing still with a sign in your hand like a manikin and yelling “BOOOO!” to scare customers. You also really upset that older women when you told her she better buy today, because it didn’t look like she’ll be around much longer. Switching the men and women signs on restroom so the male owner walks in on two women using the stalls…well, let’s just say, not that good at all.”

Because of all this I would like to stay in front of the curve and get a jump on any new employment prospects. My resume is all ready posted on this website. Now I had better get back to work. There’s a fat woman with fake tits heading to the restroom. If I change the signs before the owner gets out of the men’s room. Heh, heh…it will be a real classic if he took his blue pill this morning.

Apparently, Two Beers and a Free Meal = $48.50

Apparently, Two Beers and a Free Meal = $48.50
Dave Atsals

This might come as a shock to some of you, but I, Dave Atsals, spend a lot of time in bars. Unless this is my probation officer, in which case they are called coffee shops. I normally refer to these neon establishments as restaurants with refreshments. I spend so much time in bars, in fact, on occasion I must work to augment my income, aka, pay off my bar tab.

On this note, I would like to post a conversation I had with a couple who had funny accents…certainly not locals. Let’s call them John and Mary. Our scene opens with me, Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, walking over and handing them their check.

This conversation is retold almost verbatim:

John: Mr. Atsals, my steak on the steak salad I ordered was well done, I asked for it to be cooked medium.

Mary: And I did not like the Broiled Haddock at all! 

Me: Very sorry folks and thank you for bringing this to our attention. What at this point do we need to do to improve? Mary, what was wrong with your fish?

Mary: Nothing, I guess. I just don’t like Haddock. I have never tried it before.

Me: Did you get a menu when you arrived?

Mary: Yes, of course.

Me: Why didn’t you order something you liked?

Mary: I thought I might be adventurous tonight and try something different.

Me: Ahh, yes, haddock was a pretty gutsy move, but if you did not like it why did you eat all of it?

Mary: Not sure. Hungry, I suppose.

Me: Bob—

John: …It’s John.

Me: Right, I see you ate everything as well. Why didn’t you let us know it was not prepared properly so we could re-cook it for you?

John: It was actually pretty good, but I just don’t think I should have to pay.

Me: I think I understand. Okay, so what can I do to make you happy?

John: I do not think we should be charged for any of our food, just for our two draft beers.

Me: Okay, we can do that. The two draft beers come to a total of $48.50.

Mary: Oh…thank you for not charging us for the food. Do you have change for a $100?

Me: Sure do.

John: Thanks for understanding. We will tell our friends how accommodating you were in this situation.

Me: Marvelous. Have a great night!