Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong

Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other “points.”  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Now, I’m being facetious here, because, as we all know, no one is smart enough to be wrong all the time—although the right seems to be breaking new ground in this area. The Crank calls them “Warmers”…for the rest, just consider them “Birthers” with brains.  Back in 2009, a poll showed 97% of active climatologists agreed human activity is contributing to global warming.

Granted, this is back in 2009, since then a few more scientists have converted (hint: I’m trying to help). Scientists remain overwhelmingly warmers, yet public opinion is swaying elsewhere.  But even if it was 50/50—if only half the scientists in the world thought we were permanently screwing ourselves—I ask again, why would you want to roll those dice?  Haven’t you watched any Godzilla movies?  Forget the weather for a moment, or Godzilla for that matter. FACT: most marine biologists and people with HD Discovery agree the ocean reefs are dying and we are fishing our oceans dry.  Oh, and 99% of scientists believe we’re amidst a mass extinction.  There are lots of reasons to curb pollution—the very real possibility of accelerating climate change just happens to be one of them. 

So you’re really OK with business as usual? Rolling back forty years of EPA regulations?  Of course you are; it’s all part of the programming. As you said, this is a time when all statistics “can’t be trusted,” so in this fuzzy fact-less void called America, let’s believe the one pie chart funded by Dr. Evil.  Great plan.  Here’s the right’s argument in a nutshell:

“Hey, if we keep polluting, there’s a statistically significant chance we won’t all die.”

—C. Montgomery Burns

Come on, you’re smarter than this. Or so I thought. Even if 10% of our scientists thought we were heading for trouble, shouldn’t we consider the dangers? That’s the difference for me… there’s just too much at stake to ignore this problem, even if I’m wrong.  Do you have any idea how long it would take for your stock options to recover from a two million year Earth-inhabitability issue (EII)? 

EII, we don’t create the products destroying our world, we represent the huge swaths of time when only insects will survive on the planet during said interim period. 

Republicans don’t and won’t give a shit until it impacts their stock options, which is certainly part of why people with foresight think they’re dangerously shortsighted—the rest involves Sarah “the British are Irish” Palin. 

You should go back and reread my initial post on global warming because, in keeping with your theme, you’ve missed all of my major points.  Well, at least you’re consistent.  Let’s put all of your posts on the subject in a time capsule for future generations…oh wait, there won’t be any.  Maybe cockroaches can dig it up at some point.  They should be able to decipher our language in another 50 million years or so.  Then they’ll have that good laugh you keep mentioning.  Hey, some of your Twinkies might still be around!  

Here’s the quote from the last Crank post, “Yeah, the whole global warming thing, well a new study from NASA, as well as one from a British university, now show the Sun is entering a ‘quiet stage.'”

Really?  I think inquiring minds would like to know, when the hell are you going to enter a quiet stage?

Interesting, though, but what you said is not quite accurate. True, the sun has been very active over the last 50 years or so, and that it has been unusually quiet for the last few. However, this does not indicate a potential ice age. This suggests, as happened back in 1859, that we’re in some pretty shit now man. The article I read stated that “Senior space agency scientists believe the Earth will be hit with unprecedented levels of magnetic energy from solar flares after the Sun wakes ‘from a deep slumber’ sometime around 2013,” and that this “could cause catastrophic consequences for the world’s health, emergency services and national security unless precautions are taken.” That doesn’t sound quite like a mini ice age cooling off global warming to me, but I digress.

Great Pacific Garbage Patch
Nothing to see here in the North Pacific Gyre

The liberal media pushes all global warming data, while Fox and Matt Drudge only highlight ‘there’s nothing to see here’ shit. Hearing you, Glenn Beck, and the Sean Hannity espouse wisdom on the subject of Earth Science is kind of like getting your medical advice from Dr. Demento (which I do…so bad example).  But Dr. D, am I really going to need to have my dead puppies Yankoviched?

As usual, the only “evidence” the Republicans can muster doesn’t even make sense (for an example, see any Crank feature).  I too have cited data and opinions that have questioned global warming.

One of my heroes, integralist Ken Wilber, once said, “The data just isn’t there to support global warming.”

I have mentioned this and more.  When have you, Mr. Crank, ever left even the faintest hint you might be wrong about something?  I haven’t seen it…well, I’ve seen the results…but, don’t worry, your defense mechanisms are cleaning up your messes, almost instantly, through the magic of cognitive dissonance.

OK, I’ll bite…soooo what do the natural stages of the sun have to do with anything?  Why don’t we focus on the things we can change, like the American Idol finalists? Here’s something we recite before all Discord meetings, it’s called the Serenity Post:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to ignore all Crank posts. 

Sorry, but I’m not ready to fund the ‘ship the glaciers to cool the sun’ project, but we can stop poisoning the planet, any time now.  Also, an ice age is often the result of global warming, aka, the Hannity fallacy.  You make fun of me for not knowing the alternative version of Paul Revere’s ride (as seen on Wiki “reality-changing” pedia), yet you don’t understand how global warming can trigger an ice age? 

Stage 1: Polar ice caps melt

Stage 2: Oceans lose salinity (salt)

Stage 3: Ocean currents stop

Stage 4: No warm water currents circulating = ice age 

This is 7th grade stuff…you know, when you were busy learning how Paul Revere’s true story involved, “I’m warning the British! I’m warning the British!”

I know, I keep making the points for you, as you say, while you keep ignoring the large one at the top of your head.  I hate to go off on a tangent here, but did you actually see Palin’s deer-in-the-headlights answer to this basic revolutionary question? Well, I did.

“He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms.”   

– Sarah Palin

I don’t think all the Who’s in Wiki-changing-pediaville could alter the fact she’s one of the most ridiculous candidates in the history of our…I’m kidding, most of your candidates are ridiculous.

Sorry for climate changing the subject.  So here’s some of that math I never took again: let’s say Al Gore and his ilk are politicizing global warming (which I think they are)…let’s also say it’s impacting the opinion of 15% of those scientists polled (a guess) and then let’s say Fox and their ilk are only influencing opinion about 5% in the other direction (hint: I’m being kind), so let’s take that original 97% of all those climate peeps (the ones who think mankind is impacting climate), then let’s subtract the difference between the two propaganda teams, say 10%?  So we are left with 87% of climatologists agreeing that mankind is speeding up our demise (almost 9 out of 10).  But hey, that one guy might be right, eh?  In fact, I’ll bet he’s very far right and has stock options with C. Montgomery Burns…excellent. 

Maybe you should read my posts before you respond, instead of just feeding them into that Heritage Group translator of yours.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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