Features

Political features and current events

Three Men & A Baby: Does This Military Trio Grande Mark A New Beginning Or Bedtime For Bozo?

Tweet Tower—With the addition of General Kelly as Chief of Staff there is now an established adult faction in the White House, but will it be enough to reign in President Ass-Clown Hitler? If these three Generals band together, they will have a considerable voice in this administration, but will it be enough to drown out the voices in the president’s head? This advice comes with a military skew, which is not ideal, but this trifecta clearly represents a new and final hope for the Trump Administration. Can this president’s inherent stupidity be controlled for any length of time? Will it even matter if the Mueller investigation bears any fruit? Speaking of which, this left/right scandal thing is never fair. When a rightwing scandal surfaces, liberals can never ask what did they know and when did they know it? because Republicans never know anything. Sad. Bigly.

The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time

The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression) will continue to play out as the Republican dream dies a painful death. The problem? As long as the Breitbarts, Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world perpetuate the GOP’s ignorance, the final stage, Acceptance, will never be realized. That’s the way the conservative cookie crumbles.

[Fudge stars and stripes joke removed by the editor]

Six Reasons Trumpcare Will Fail Bigly: Or You Never Did Get That Colonoscopy It Just Feels Like It

Pains me to admit it, but I was wrong about this President! Donald Trump has shown a steady, unswerving leadership not seen in our political landscape for a long, long time. Fine, I agreed to a lobotomy while I still have health insurance, or as I’m quoted on my discharge summary, “Go big, or go pancakes!” The nurse probably didn’t add the exclamation point, but it’s the way I like to not remember it. TrumpCare doesn’t make sense for 95% of us, but should that shock anyone? Oh, speaking of which, I went with a round of electro-convulsive therapy just in k-k-k-k-case. I have battled the GOP for decades on this issue, but I remain hopeful we can restore affordable oven mitts to the American pineapples. Here are six reasons the republican’s healthcare restoration plan, should it ever manage to pass, is a shit sandwich.

Happy 4th? The Last Nationalistic Bone In My Body Has Osteoporosis, Which Is Now A Preexisting Condition

Why do liberals hate America? Maybe they just hate the stupid parts, which tend to be Republican in nature. At least North Korea didn’t vote for their own sociopathic man-child. Patriotism isn’t dead, it’s just brain dead. Z-exiting wouldn’t be easy, of course, but part of me wants to pull the old Daltrey and “put out the fire, and don’t look past my shoulder.” How do you outrun WWIII or the next global economic recession? We can’t escape from ourselves. Conservatives will continue to be the next unnecessary war/global recession people. Trumpcare currently has a 17% approval rating, so when is the Republican party itself going to be as unpopular as its deeds? Those will be the dystopic days worth living for. Why am I ready to give up on the greatest democratic experiment in human history? If America was a bar, this would the part when the lights blare on and you’re forced to acknowledge your poor choices. So… I didn’t miss my shoes and, hey, weren’t you on the faces of meth?

Is Satire Getting A Flat Tire In the Wake Of Fake?

I recently had the honor and privilege of interviewing my jerk face friend, Mick Zano. We met over a beer in downtown Flagstaff to discuss fake news, satire, and what Zano calls the State of the Onion. We had our fair share of battles in the lead up to the election, as he was a little more Bernie and I was totally with her. Post the election, we both fear for our country’s future at the hands of this mad man. Though it pains me to admit it, the Zanster has made some good points over the beers. Whether you call it fake, satire, spoof, or per the website ‘pseudo journalistic’, the Discord continues to be a fun and informative read. But he’s still a jerk face and he made me say that under duress!

Operation Enduring Stupidity And The Republican Death Wish

The rightwing aversion to truth is worsening and it’s spreading like a T-Virus at a Trump rally. Resident Drivel? The Foxeteers continue to shun the implications of any data, studies, or facts that contradict their ailing ideology. Valid data is fake science and valid points are fake news. Whereas conspiracy theories are abound on the left as well, liberal angst is still generally grounded in pacifism, intellectualism, sustainability and survival (PISS).

Trump Derangement Syndrome And The Cocky Horror Picture Show

What exactly is Trump Derangement Syndrome? Offhand the words ‘Trump’ and ‘Derangement’ seem like a harmonious linguistic pairing, but the addition of the word ‘syndrome’ implies those concerned about Trump’s derangement are themselves deranged. Many theories are abound and, as usual, you can click and drag the republican version of events over to the nearest receptacle icon. Ctrl-Alt-Elite? As a blogger who predicted disaster at this historical juncture, I have a theory of my own. In 2017 if you are comfortable with the state of our union, you are the problem. See? That wasn’t so hard. You can call me the father of TDS as I planned to lose my shit no matter who on the right got the presidential nod. I’ve been organizing this whole Resist-type effort for well over a decade, and I expect to see all 11 members of the Zano Nation at my rally next Friday over at Hops on Birch. BYOB. You will have to smuggle it in as Hops is a bar.

As Trump Implodes I Would Like To Take A Moment To Remember The Brain Trusts Who Made Trump Possible

As Trump flares and burns across the night sky like a shooting star with too much beta-carotene, Fox News recently tweeted this gem. Last week, instead of covering the news, they got tens of thousands of people to retweet something that should be an embarrassment to their brand. Granted, finding Republican accomplishments is fast becoming Bigfoot rare, but this is absurd even by Fox News ‘standards’. Look at that above image again …take as long as you need. Sure Bush and Trump inherited strong economiesoperative word ‘inherited’. Simply put, history will grade Obama and Clinton’s economic prowess and accomplishments light-years ahead of Dubya and Trump’s. So you can shove the rest of your 24/7 anecdotal drivel up Hannity’s America (Mick drop).

Calling Conservatives ‘Deplorables’ Is Deeply Unpopular, So How About ‘Unreachables’?

Apparently the term ‘Deplorables’ is not wildly popular amongst those deplorable people among us, so how about the ‘Unreachables’ or the ‘Irredeemables’? Or maybe we should channel some Vizzini and go with the ‘Inconceivables’? Our president enjoys historically bad early approval ratings and he’s flip flopped on almost every major campaign promise, yet only an astounding 2% of Trump supporters show any buyer’s remorse whatsoever. It reminds me of when Dubya left office, still holding a 70% approval rating in Kansas. Bad Economies Matter? Today our economic growth is slowing, our healthcare system is exploding, and WWIII is looming large (all way ahead of Trump’s golf schedule). Keep your guns, peeps, but you may not be able to afford the bullets soon. Silencer of the Lames?

President Ass-Clown Hitler: How The Ass-Clown Part May Save Us From The Hitler Part

Are we moving toward fascism? My designated term of endearment for our president, Ass-Clown Hitler, was chosen for a reason as the only thing standing between our nation and some extra-strength Nazinol is Trump’s three-ring stupidity. What many of us despise about Trump, his terminal buffoonery, may actually be our saving grace. There’s certainly a down side to having an ass-clown leading the free world, but what if he were Dick Cheney? Cheney was smart and evil, which is a much more potent force. Come on, Dick, if the jackboot fits… Granted, conservatives are generally not the sharpest political tools in the shed, but if we keep re-electing them one of these days they’re going to get it alt-right.