Features

Political features and current events

If This Is The Best Liberals Can Muster, I’m Writing In Ralph Nader

The Liberals are simply not up to the task of slaying this Donald Dragon. It’s becoming increasingly apparent they don’t have the required smarts, charisma, historical knowledge, or testicular fortitude to get the job done. If the Dems are Rogue Squadron, it’s like we left the hangar doors closed with the X-wing engines running for too long. In early May I took my shot at what I felt was the best duo to save our democracy. That’s not hyperbole, folks, we are on the edge or ruin. Our state of the union is akin to that moment when Wile E. Coyote no longer has any rock, ledge, or wooden plank between himself and the canyon floor, but gravity hasn’t quite kicked in yet. My so-called “dream ticket” back in May was met with an abundance of scorn and ridicule in comment-thread land. When Politico ran with that same Biden/Harris ticket, about a week later, Kamala responded by calling such a suggestion sexist. Really? Having the ‘rebel scum’ fighting amongst themselves is just what the Empire wants. No one is nominating me for Veep, and offhand I seem a whole lot savvier than you, prosecutor. In related news, police are now permitted to use of the Vader-mind chokehold on minorities. Harris is not the only disappointment; Biden admitted he didn’t even read the Mueller report. I expect that from Republicans, who are opposed to learnin’ stuff in general, but it’s an embarrassment for a leading Democratic contender to admit as much.

[Closing the Hangar doors after the X-wings have gotten out joke removed by editor and sent on a mission to Dagobah]

On The 50 Year Anniversary Of Moon Landing NASA Admits: “Most Of Apollo 11’s Luggage Ended Up On Mars”

WashingtonThe National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) continues to deny any and all rumors suggesting the moon landing was a Hollywood-staged fake. But the aerospace giant is admitting today that there was a huge snafu with Apollo 11’s luggage. Many are blaming the arrival of a number of the crew’s personal items on Mars as a gross miscalculation. Ironically the luggage crash-landed on the red planet almost fifty years to the day of the Apollo’s historic moon landing. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Space Consultation Services, said, “The Apollo Guidance Systems were all functioning well, but our equipment is only as good as the goons loading the luggage onto the booster rocket shortly before takeoff. As for your next question, no, they were not supposed to load anything onto the booster rocket.”

The Dunce And Future King

It’s not hard to find a soft spot in your heart for minorities, women, the poor, our LBGTQ population, even our safe-spacing snowflakes, but it’s becoming impossible to stomach the actions and deeds of our rightwing friends, isn’t it? How long can the Republican elite continue to defend Trump’s shenanigans? We have caught glimpses of those mysterious conservative moments of accountability; those times when enough politicians clearly condemn a policy, tweet, or action, but these are rare. Hell, we know more about the ocean floor than we do of the depths to which an average Republican is willing to sink. Where is James Cameron and his Deepsea Challenger when you need him? Mr. Cameron is reaching depths of 2,000 feet and he’s slipping beneath the thermal layer where all the sea creatures use bioluminescence to let each other know where the BBQs are. Then he reaches the rather obnoxious Netanyahu layer before catching his first glimpse of the Ayatollah level, currently under sanctions. He’s now at the soul crushing Jihadist depths where a group of fish are attacking a Starkist cartoonist for his depiction of their tuna god. Another few minutes into the voyage, Mr. Cameron shouts, “I can see it! I can see the top of Trump’s head, and it’s a comb over! Repeat, for God and country, it’s a comb over!!”

Herr Trump: The Unter President, Revisited

With the shadow of the 2020 election coming over the horizon, like the Death Star over Scarif, I think it’s time to assess our current fearless leader’s performance. Not at a Zano “FOR JEDDAH!” level, but a more empirical one. I will revisit an article I once wrote, or rather the platform spelled out therein: Trump’s promise/wish list back in 2015. Our Commander in Chief made many promises. Let’s take another look at where those promises are at today …FOR JEDDAH!!!!

The Answer? Just Resurrect The Iran Deal And Call It The Trump Deal

There’s only one way to avoid the pending Iran debacle and the solution reminds me of that time on the Millennium Falcon when Han Solo encouraged C3P0 to: Let the Wookiee win.” If we’re going to spare some blood and treasure by avoiding another senseless war, to say nothing of getting our arms pulled out of their sockets, we need to heed Han’s advice on this one. What if we re-sign the same Iran Deal with the addition of some Trump accolades, a bucket of exclamation points, several hashtags, and then drop the Flesch-Kincaid reading level to accommodate the typical Fox viewer? I guarantee you our president hasn’t read even one sentence of the original agreement, so he won’t notice. If someone within the Trump administration would back my scheme then We.Got.This.Shit. Disaster averted. If everyone both here and abroad would agree to be in on the joke we could resurrect the Iran Deal, call it the Trump Deal, and effectively let the Wookiee win.

The Last Days Of Pompeo?

Two key GOP factions have emerged in recent years, the greedy part and the eager-to-blow-shit-up part. Both sides seem determined to lead our country to ruin. It’s like Death Race 2000 only there are no points for running people over. In fact, there are no points to it at all. As things escalate with Tehran, many believe our president represents the best chance to keep the warmongers within his own administration in check. Whereas there’s some truth to that statement, it’s not horribly comforting. There’s a difference between a firewall and a dumpster fire. It’s kind of like having the eight year old watch the four year old …except neither of them are that old.

Discord Prematurely Endorses Fictional Biden/Harris Ticket

I haven’t mentioned my Democratic dream ticket yet here on The Discord, primarily because I.Don’t.Have.One. After hearing my first Obama speech in 2007, I immediately got that fabled Mathewsuian “thrill up my leg,” and then I hoped he’d pick Joe as VP, because, hell, I have another leg, dammit! And, thankfully, he did—a decision Obama later called “among his best.” Granted, this election is thus far devoid of any leg thrills, but there’s one key mission in 2020: what is the best ticket to beat Herr Ass-clown? And I’m not talking about beating our president in a leather-clad-Stormy-Daniels-with-a-rolled-up-newspaper kind of way. I would, but I can’t comment on a bending investigation. I wonder if Trump’s ass is like Silly Putty and, after the hooker spanks him with a newspaper, you can still read Hannity’s talking points? Inquiring minds want to …buy the Enquirer! Wow. That Stormy image will stick in your brain forever, so I’m already sorry about this article. Can I call a Muellerigan? Back to the general election in 2020 …which is hindsight² …which is not something I’m apparently capable of today. Image still there… burning putty image…

[Winslow: Strong work, Zano, we’re already out of ellipses. I’ve ordered more.]

Is Erisology Our Save-The-Debate Card?

John Nerst, a self-described Nerstian, created a potential new field of study he calls Erisology. He named this budding discipline after Eris, the Greek goddess of Discord, so he had me from “hello!” Nerst hopes to spotlight the misconceptions surrounding today’s debates as well as the perspectives, assumptions, and worldviews currently hindering our daily discourse. Biases are certainly bogging us down a bita recent example? After a 22-month investigation, the Mueller report changed about ten people’s minds across America. Most of us remain either in the full exoneration, or hang ’em from the nearest tree camp. In the interests of bipartisanship, why can’t we do both? Authentic exchanges are exceedingly rare these days, just check out that last sentence. Nerst is proposing some rules of engagement with the hopes of saving the debate and perhaps limit the impact of our increased polarization. On that note, I asked Mr. Nerst to debate me at the next Let’s Hang Trump From The Nearest Tree Meetup Group, but he has yet to FB message me.

Wilderness-punking The Environment

What have I been up to lately, besides bingeing on “true” horror stories and proofing my latest novel? After celebrating Patriot’s Day, I also hit one of the rare and lonely rivers which cuts through southern Arizona, the San Pedro. But enough about me; today I intend to actually finish something I started. I hope my parents haven’t just fainted. It involves the environment and how there may still be time to save it.

My Friend Is Asking For Details On Trump Wrongdoing, But What He Really Needs Is A Hearing Aid

 

My friend and blogvesary has more questions about the Russia probe, but, suffice to say, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badlyoffhand this seems much worse. Here’s another long comment from my friend that deserves a more in depth response. Enjoy!

Pokey: Here’s some of your recent quotes, Zano: “Trump’s peeps lied across the board,” “web of wrongdoing,” “Trump’s clear felonies.” These are more generalizations. Specifics please.

[Winslow: you crashed the server again, Zano. Think summary.]