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No Spying During Spygate? What Next, No Pizza During Pizzagate?

Before waging battle with any of your crazy relatives this holiday season, here’s your updated handy-dandy scandal review list. Today we have some new Spygate fodder for your enjoyment. See why each and every republican led scandal ends in bullshit. Find out why there is never any there, there. Oh, and if you’re really gutsy, try reading this summary scandal table out loud at the next extended family gathering. Not recommended (Battery and/or Assault sold separately).

Sure, if you’re all Spygate-centric just skip to the bottom, but keep in mind this was like ten beers worth of research:

 

The ‘Scandal’

The Court Findings & Conclusions:    

The Historic Scandal-O-Meter

                           

Whitewater (1990s):

This theory suggested the Clintons killed Vince Foster to cover their tracks after a real estate venture that turned a large profit.

*For actual real estate scams see Donald J.Trump.

Post a 1980 IRS audit, no evidence of wrongdoing was found, here, and no evidence surfaced connecting Vince’s death and the Clintons (1994 congressional findings, here).

“After six years and more than $50 million in taxpayer money later, an independent counsel has concluded there is ‘insufficient evidence’ to charge President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton with any criminal wrongdoing.” —CBS

 0.00

This was a complete lie fabricated during the advent of the modern republican wingnut.

Anyone up for Epstein, Part Deux? No? How about we just challenge our current president to spell DNA?

Fast & Furious:

Obama lost some tracked weapons fed to Mexican drug cartels, one of which later killed a border patrol agent.

The DOJ’s IG at the time cleared Eric Holder, and Obama was never implicated in any wrongdoing. The initial program known as Operation: Wide Receiver began in 2006 under Dubya (6 people were ultimately indicted for this program).

“Only six months into office—and dealing with two wars and the worst financial collapse since the great depression—I guarantee you this was not on Obama’s radar. But, sure, let’s not do that anymore.” —Zano 2013

 2.00

Even though F&F occurred while Obama was still hanging the drapes at the WH, in retrospect, he should have ended all things Dubya both faster and more furiously’er.

 Solyndra:

This was a government supported solar energy startup that ultimately failed because the cost of silicon dropped, which allowed China to gain the upper hand on the deal.

The House Energy and Commerce Committee Investigation found no political manipulation, or wrongdoing of any kind by the Obama Administration. My favorite review of this matter comes complete with all the hyperlinks:

“For details on Solyndra, see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, [deep breath] here, here, and here. Attempts to unearth a scandal worthy to be called the ‘next Solyndra’ have been no more fruitful: see here, here, and here.”  —The Grist

– 3

This is the only negative, but we did lose .5 billion, so we need more successful .Gov funded green energy ventures, preferably prior to the extinction of our species.

The IRS Scandal:

This involved the suspected targeting of Obama’s political adversaries, aka republicans, for tax audits.

After a thorough investigation the District of Columbia’s DOJ, Ronald Marchens, found insufficient evidence of wrongdoing by the Obama Administration.

The Dept. of Treasury investigation also found no bias:

“A federal watchdog investigating whether the IRS unfairly targeted conservative political groups seeking tax-exempt status said that the agency also scrutinized organizations associated with liberal causes from 2004 to 2013.” —The NYTs

0.000

I added a zero at the end, which means nothing mathematical, but shhhhh, republicans don’t know math (see: the last economic collapse, and/or the next one).

Today our president has an IRS target on his back the size of, uh, your local Target.

Climategate:

The GOP tried to decipher a scientific study on global warming and, in retrospect, probably shouldn’t have. They used this to create a false theory that scientists were cooking the books on climate. The only thing that will be cooking soon is us.

This is one with all the links as well!

“Dr. Michael Mann and other climate scientists have been investigated by a third party to see if there was any wrongdoing in the ‘Climategate’ scandal. And once again, they were cleared of any wrongdoing. They had been previously cleared by an International Panel of Scientists last year, by a panel at Penn State, and have been cleared by various other agencies as well. This time, the investigation was conducted by the National Science Foundation, and you can read the report in full here.”

—Forbes

0.004

This started when a scientist was overheard saying he needed to ‘fix the numbers,’ which for people who went to school means: removing the outliers & presenting the data in a digestible fashion.

Fun Fact: No fact is digestible for republicans.

I added a value in the thousandth digit place, just to “fix” the #s.

Benghazi:

This is the most investigated scandal, and I still don’t have a clue why. Four people died in a Libyan embassy, including a US ambassador, the cause of the attack triggered 8 meaningless investigations. The longest run in US history.

Eight investigations that defied reason.

  1. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, interim report findings.
  2. The Senate Committee On Homeland Security And Governmental Affairs, report here.
  3. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, lack of findings here.
  4. Investigation 4-7 same lack of evidence, different committees.
  5. The eighth and hopefully final investigation blames the military response, not Clinton.

Here’s the House Select Committee’s review of Clinton’s 11 hour testimony. 11 hours of testimony for bullshit vs zero seconds testimony for treason, because their scandals go to 11!

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(Military’s scandal score is higher, a 3, and The GOP’s score is a 2, as they cut embassy security funds the year before the incident.)

Uranium One:

This is when Republicans claimed Hillary Clinton sold uranium to Russia from her Etsy account, or something.

“The Uranium One sale was unanimously approved by [Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States, or CFIUS], which is made up of representatives from nine separate federal agencies and chaired by the Treasury Department.” …and, the same report showed Clinton never intervened with the decision.

—March 8, 2018 press release

Additionally, then AG Sessions (R) and Trey “Benghazi or Bust” Gowdy (R) found insufficient evidence to appoint a special counsel on the matter.

0.00

(Uranium None joke currently being enriched by Tehran.)

Birthergate: Do I have to?

0.00

Pizzagate: Suffice to say the basement under the pizza parlor from which Hillary was supposed to be running a sex ring operation, didn’t actually exist.

0.00

 

Burisma Scandal Sold Sperately:    Uggg. Projected ….hmmm.

 

And now the exciting conclusion of this fictional extravaganza that helped the US elect a clown-despot 🤡 😲:

 Spygate:

 

To summarize the IG’s findings:

Zero spying during Spygate .

Absolved peeps (1st glance): Sztrok, Page, Clinton, Clinton, Obama, Lynch, Clapper, Comey, McCabe, Brenner.

The Dossier was not part of the investigations advent, as shit started w/ Padapawhatsas, not Page …well, that’s 792 hours of Hannity’s America I’ll never get back!

The Page FISA warrant did have serious issues, but was one of over 500 warrants related to Russian interference. Hey, but they found something sort of relevant. Weird, right?

Today the NYTs reports: The IG report found errors but no anti-Trump plot, or my prediction: The IG Report will find errors, but no anti-Trump plot.

“The Horowitz investigation really can’t fail, because any irregularities real, perceived, or invented will be backed by an AG.” And, “The findings will rank about a two on the Zano-scandal-meter, but as usual the GOP will upgrade this drivel to a 10. By the time everyone figures out the whole thing was Benghazi’d, it won’t matter. Meanwhile, using a reverse procedure, Mueller’s findings, which historians will ultimately rank an 11, will be transformed back into a pile of #2. This is more Alchemy for Dummies, a process designed to transmute the truth into Foxal Matter, and then back again.”  Zano 8/19

The Inspector General, under great political pressure, couldn’t find anything on Spygate, at all: Attorney General Barr’s hand-picked prosecutor said he can’t back a ‘deep state’ theory that the Russia probe was an anti-Trump conspiracy

As Herr Ass-clown key dupe, Barr will still go spook headhunting.

 

 

0.00

(Democratic scandal = zero, but FBI = 4.)

No 2 score, so a rare Zano retraction?

 

 

AG Barr’s interpretation to come: someone made a serious error, so this is a serious scandal.

 

 

 

 

 

Total  =  Bullshit

 

What about Hillary’s email server, Zano?!

Amercia: The Not-So-Great Satan

Earlier today the Navy Secretary resigned over what is being called a ‘Trumpian pardon my overreach’ scandal. Hey, someone should pose next to Giuliani …you know, after they get to him. Yesterday, China called the US the biggest source of instability in the world, which is another good reason to dump the almighty Donald. Meanwhile, the once unthinkable notion of ditching the dollar is now likely resonating with even the Merkels of the world. Two days ago we find a top Commander warning of the next Iran attack. Yeah, I don’t mind another avoidable war, but who to root for? Kidding, but how does the US manage to cede the moral high ground to even the Ayatollahs? What do you do for your next trick, republicans? Never mind. The last time I posed that question the economy Dubya’d. And, if you dare to jump into the Wayback Machine all the way back to two weeks ago, Tehran was unveiling some anti-American murals to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the hostage crisis. Oh, and they’ve managed to resume their uranium enrichment, in their spare time. Centrifuge sold separately. And the day before that, North Korea fired another long range missile as their Supreme Leader was seen riding a unicorn with a rainbow shooting out of its …wait, I’m being told that was our Photoshop team’s rendition. Keep me in the loop, fellas! I guess it’s time for us to arm all sides in this Middle East crisis, not for peace, but for some more lucrative weapons contracts.  Who knew hiring an ass-clown would bring about such a circus 🤡 😲?

[Boeing, Boeing, Gone? and Halliburton & Ernie joke awarded a new lucrative contracts.]

AG Barr Holds Séance For Inspector Clouseau, Joe Friday, and Ian Flemming for Spygate Conspiracy Theory Inspiration

AG William Barr is walking a tightrope between salvaging the last remnants of his reputation, and making something stick on the latest Hannity-spawned spy novel narrative. The inability to find anything truly damning is likely behind the delay in the release of the FISA report. Barr only needed a day to reduce Mueller’s work to: “No collusion, no obstruction,” but making up shit that people will be imprisoned for is a tougher task, even for assholes.  Don’t fret, Republicans, those “scandals” did their job. How else would we have a republic-ending ass clown in office? Now their latest installment of Spygate, headed by John “Bullshit” Durham, has apparently uncovered some crimes. Double-spaced documents, improper use of headers, and even margin issues occurred at the highest levels of our intelligence community. There’s a slew of formatting atrocities that will break this case wide open.

It’s Hard To Plot A Revolution From A ‘Safe Space’

Dear America, please don’t lure me back to those days when I despised both sides of the political aisle. It should be painfully obvious in 2019 that we have a fairly typical party and a wholly deplorable one. Despite this fact, the Eye of Zano is turning once again toward the Mountains of Blandness. The cognitive dissonance is becoming more pronounced on the left, as predicted …but, hey, at least they can pronounce something. It’s hard to remain optimistic when half of our Democratic hopefuls have no grasp of today’s issues and the other half are too old to articulate them. Congressional hearings are equally as disturbing when Republicans remain unsure of the main premise outside of last night’s Hannity segment, and liberals won’t cede their time to the prosecutorial ringers in the room because of their egos. Soundbite over country?

Trump Floats Tracking Mentally Ill Via Cellphones, But Wouldn’t That Make The Secret Service’s Job Harder?

 

We don’t need to track the mentally ill, Mr. President, they already self identify with bright red hats. Modern conservatism is a form of collective mental illness powered by a cluster of cognitive distortions, dysfunction, and dissonance, oh my. But I’m finally onto a cure, folks! Moron that in a bit. Meanwhile, I loved when Kellyanne Conway’s husband recently suggested Trump be dropped off at Walter Reed Hospital. The threshold for involuntary commitment is simple: is someone a danger to themselves or others? If the president arrived on my shift at the old crisis unit, my conversation with the Secret Service might go down something like this:

“Can someone keep the nuclear football safe until the president can be fully assessed? What? Yes, sir, he can still be on Twitter …under supervision. And you can bring him a Happy Meal, but he can’t have the toy …because it could be a choking hazard, or fashioned into a shank. A shank …just tell him, you know, what he’s trying to pay someone to do to his old lawyer in prison. Oh, and he’s going to have to relinquish his tie. Why? …well, for starters, you could hang everyone on the crisis unit with that thing.”

[Gallows Poll & Fit to be Tied jokes outsourced to China.]

Clash Of The Snowflakes? Is Impeachment Finally Brewing?

Washington—This week the House votes on the continued relevance of the rule of law. Will Chairman Jerry Nadler’s Judiciary Committee efforts get upgraded on Thursday to a more formal level of impeachment hearings? The president is sweetening the pot by adding some perks for those who vote against impeachment, such as: pre-pre pardons (which goes into effect even before the president thinks of them), leeway to rough up the witnesses (Black Sites Matter!), Magic Sharpie privileges, and full pussy-grabbing immunity #FreeToo! Nancy Pelosi is dragging her feet a bit on pulling the impeachment trigger. First she said, wait for a majority of the House to support impeachment, and now she’s saying, well, we also need the majority of the public on board. What next, lady, some house cat polling? Simon is fully behind impeachment proceedings, but Flopsy and Mittens are still concerned about the political implications. It makes me want to gack up a hairball.

Enter Horowitz Or Battle Beneath The Planet Of The Mueller Report

I wanted to go with Subdeplorable Homesick Blues for this one, but there were some copyright issues. Speaking of which, I did steal the above funny image (a first), but only because when I thought of the joke someone had already beaten me to it! Meanwhile, Dems have finally arrived at a comprise; they’ve agreed to impeach parts of the president’s mouth and penis. I understand the Pelosi dilemma, aka the political dangers of losing an impeachment hearing to a corrupt senate, but at the end of the day …um, it’s the end of the fucking day! Thankfully the number of overall congressmen who favor impeachment is climbing, one more today, because I for one would rather go down fighting blatant criminality than ignoring it. Hell, we could lose 2020 to this ass-clown either way, or, worse still, Trump won’t accept the election results. So when it comes to unconstitutional mischief, Lady Speaker, take a page from another Nancy and, “Just Say, No!” In the end, the Russia probe was an investigation that proved endless wrongdoing, yet arrived to a deafening silence. Its conclusions were wildly damning, so let us never speak of it again. Now we’re about to face the Horowitz report, a reactionary sickness spawned from the ashes of Mueller’s failings. The Republican-led probe will be more like a reverse ouroboros phoenix, i.e.it continually explodes while flying into its own asshole.

If This Is The Best Liberals Can Muster, I’m Writing In Ralph Nader

The Liberals are simply not up to the task of slaying this Donald Dragon. It’s becoming increasingly apparent they don’t have the required smarts, charisma, historical knowledge, or testicular fortitude to get the job done. If the Dems are Rogue Squadron, it’s like we left the hangar doors closed with the X-wing engines running for too long. In early May I took my shot at what I felt was the best duo to save our democracy. That’s not hyperbole, folks, we are on the edge or ruin. Our state of the union is akin to that moment when Wile E. Coyote no longer has any rock, ledge, or wooden plank between himself and the canyon floor, but gravity hasn’t quite kicked in yet. My so-called “dream ticket” back in May was met with an abundance of scorn and ridicule in comment-thread land. When Politico ran with that same Biden/Harris ticket, about a week later, Kamala responded by calling such a suggestion sexist. Really? Having the ‘rebel scum’ fighting amongst themselves is just what the Empire wants. No one is nominating me for Veep, and offhand I seem a whole lot savvier than you, prosecutor. In related news, police are now permitted to use of the Vader-mind chokehold on minorities. Harris is not the only disappointment; Biden admitted he didn’t even read the Mueller report. I expect that from Republicans, who are opposed to learnin’ stuff in general, but it’s an embarrassment for a leading Democratic contender to admit as much.

[Closing the Hangar doors after the X-wings have gotten out joke removed by editor and sent on a mission to Dagobah]

On The 50 Year Anniversary Of Moon Landing NASA Admits: “Most Of Apollo 11’s Luggage Ended Up On Mars”

WashingtonThe National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) continues to deny any and all rumors suggesting the moon landing was a Hollywood-staged fake. But the aerospace giant is admitting today that there was a huge snafu with Apollo 11’s luggage. Many are blaming the arrival of a number of the crew’s personal items on Mars as a gross miscalculation. Ironically the luggage crash-landed on the red planet almost fifty years to the day of the Apollo’s historic moon landing. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Space Consultation Services, said, “The Apollo Guidance Systems were all functioning well, but our equipment is only as good as the goons loading the luggage onto the booster rocket shortly before takeoff. As for your next question, no, they were not supposed to load anything onto the booster rocket.”

The Dunce And Future King

It’s not hard to find a soft spot in your heart for minorities, women, the poor, our LBGTQ population, even our safe-spacing snowflakes, but it’s becoming impossible to stomach the actions and deeds of our rightwing friends, isn’t it? How long can the Republican elite continue to defend Trump’s shenanigans? We have caught glimpses of those mysterious conservative moments of accountability; those times when enough politicians clearly condemn a policy, tweet, or action, but these are rare. Hell, we know more about the ocean floor than we do of the depths to which an average Republican is willing to sink. Where is James Cameron and his Deepsea Challenger when you need him? Mr. Cameron is reaching depths of 2,000 feet and he’s slipping beneath the thermal layer where all the sea creatures use bioluminescence to let each other know where the BBQs are. Then he reaches the rather obnoxious Netanyahu layer before catching his first glimpse of the Ayatollah level, currently under sanctions. He’s now at the soul crushing Jihadist depths where a group of fish are attacking a Starkist cartoonist for his depiction of their tuna god. Another few minutes into the voyage, Mr. Cameron shouts, “I can see it! I can see the top of Trump’s head, and it’s a comb over! Repeat, for God and country, it’s a comb over!!”