Features

Political features and current events

I Firmly Support Democracy …Unless It Involves Republicans

Over Memorial Day weekend I made the mistake of debating members of the family still laboring with the misapprehension that the republican ideology is a thing. For some context, we’ve danced around meaningful discourse for nearly a decade, but for this round I just wanted to convey one final point, namely, we’re past the point of no return for our courts, our constitution, our environment and our economy, so things are about to get much worse for this country on a variety of fronts and, although I love ya’ll, I’m with the North. Or, if you prefer a more schnitzely analogy, I’m with Herr, which was Hindenburg’s 1932 slogan. This is far beyond a covid thing, folks, for those late to the party it’s more of a me-circe-2004-thing. And, yes, I will no longer defend republican thought or even known republican-sympathizers. Yeah, I know the opposite is occurring right now across this country, but I long for the days of a smarter, more progressive fascism. Speaking of which, why is our Attorney General now targeting Latifah anyway? It’s such a confusing world.

AG Barr: We Intend To Make Counter Intelligence Counter To Intelligence

Tweet Tower—By now I’m sure you’ve all heard Obama’s ‘leaked’ opinions on the Michael Flynn-effect, and Trump’s “absolute chaotic disaster” of a pandemic response. What finds me on the gobsmacked side of flummoxed is how we, as a country, have entered late-stage democracy with hardly a footnote. We were never going to survive a minor crisis under a republican leadership, let alone a major one, and I would suggest draining the swamp a bit but, now, seeing as how we’ve become fully acclimated Wetland ‘Murican Dwellers (WMDs), such a move would likely leave us all high-n-dry. I used to think the rot could no longer be removed from the republican party, but now I don’t believe you can remove the rot from the good old US of A. But enough about the demise our country, what I find more intriguing is all these SPAM commercials on television lately. Have you noticed? Does it already contain people parts? …you know, to more effectively wean us onto Soylent products? I think it’s a terrible idea. Republicans will never go for anything called Soylent Green, so how about: Soylent Coal, It’s Sheeple.

[Cornholed beef hash joke fried by the editor.]

Dumb Has The Right To Vote, But They’re Not Allowed To Put Their Dumb On The Scale

Tweet Tower—There’s a scourge on this planet and it’s ravaging resources, destroying economies, and costing lives …and it’s called The GOP. What did you think I was talking about? Yesterday’s primary voting in Wisconsin, aka being forced to vote in-person amidst a pandemic, was not only a travesty of justice but it’s a wonderful sneak peek of the November stunts to come. Everyone has the constitutional right to vote, even republicans, but they don’t have the right to bring voter suppression to such a profound level. Oh, I’m being told the Supreme Court backed this? Suprise emoji face. Fine, I guess you do. And today we can’t even assemble to protest this atrocity even if we wanted to. The good news? We don’t want to. They have half the country drinking the Koolaid and the other half sheltered in video game/Netflix streaming-land. Call George Clooney, it’s the perfect misinform.

WildernessPunk Quarantine

Tucson, AZ—It evolved slowly, much as a virus does, this split goal of mine. Could I prep for the incoming C-Virus in manner which of course would help keep me and mine safe, but also perform a test of sorts? While I protect my kids, lover, family, and friends from at least being contaminated by me, I would also try to quarantine myself and my boys to the best of our abilities. Aside from some anomalous 24-day super carriers, I heard the signs of sickness usually appear within 6-8 days. So 8 to go just to be safe.

Third World Order-Up! Trump’s American Cafe Is Closing

Tweet Tower—Our third world country is showing again, folks …you know, while no one was voting on principle. The picture should be clear in 2020, we take baby steps away from banana republicanism under D and giant leaps toward a failed state under R. The Fox News talking points during the pandemic ramp up angered me a tad more than usual: The media alone is to blame for the virus and the DOW! Sure the lefties hyped this shitznik to a Spinal Tappian 11, but covering the potential demise of an estimated 1.7 million Americans should rank as newsworthy. But I do like our president’s recent tack, from it’s a hoax, it’s a hoax, it’s a hoax …we’re all gonna die approach to information dissemination. How does that heavy pandemic coverage stack up against our ‘least tests in the West’ approach to containment? Or, maybe the 0.00 percent worth of accurate information coming from our president’s mouth or his twitter feed. Or, our initial haphazard to nonexistent federal response. Who knew gutting agencies and firing everyone with an IQ above a turnip could lead to something like this? Oh, right …everyone with an IQ above a turnip.

The Mercenary, Formally Known As Prince, Has An Intel Group Startup That’s Part McCarthy And Part Himmler

Have you heard of Project Veritas? You will. It may soon become more lethal than any pandemic. Under a Zano Administration, this group would be investigated, fined, jailed, and deported—preferably all at once while being waterboarded—but if El Presidente holds power, liberals everywhere will be systematically hunted and prosecuted for the equivalent of political jaywalking. Such partisan targeting is not new, but there’s a bigly difference for this round. Project Veritas is hedging its bets on the reelection of a despot by aspiring to become a new and highly politicized wing of the intelligence community. Let’s call them the Gestapo-lite of our budding new autocracy or the house that William Barr built. This important project is currently headed by Erik Prince, remember him? He started his career as a mercenary for Dick ‘Dick’ Cheney over in Iraq through training groups of so-called ‘peacekeepers’ who specialized in dirty money and war crimes. Prince, like everyone else in Trump’s inner circle, has dubious ties to Moscow, which admittedly is not as bad as having ties to Dick Cheney. Someday soon investigations into suspected treason will become, in and of themselves, treasonous. We are on this very threshold with the pending confirmation of John “MAGA” Ratcliffe to head the Office Director of National Intelligence (ODNI). If you recall—in a way Erik Prince apparently couldn’t during a recent congressional hearing—he lied about his meetings with Russian operatives and likely covered for the president during the Russia Probe. For this loyalty, he was duly rewarded by having all charges dropped by the president’s aforementioned new Roy Cohn. Prince is essentially a hired spook-wannabe for the, uh …let’s dub them The Shallow State. Think of Prince as the right’s Christopher Steele. Check out the Veritas Project website and you too can expose your socialist neighbors to The Shallow State! Seriously, they’re looking for the good kind of whistleblowers out there, you know, the ones who only whistle out of the right side of their cheek. For those still confused, the Blackwater guy, who was named a possible Trumpian co-conspirator by Mueller, got off scot-free so he could start selling Russia was a Nothing Burger merch over at his virtual store. And, if all goes according to plan, he then becomes the next J. Edgar Asshole. Make America Gestapo Again? I really want to email VP with false leads like: Hey, I got pictures of AG Barr humping a beanbag chair. Dude, get back to me on this one. I have my Photoshop team standing by.

Rise Of The Integral Superlib? Disparate Times Call For Despot Measures

Zano Nation, activate, form of authoritarian savior! Despite my last post, I do consider myself a patriot, except during three of the last six Superbowls. At the very least I love this planet, the one on which my country happens to reside. Did I not root for Earth in the movie Independence Day, Earth vs the Flying Saucers, Battlefield Earth, Earth vs The Spider (the original and the MST version), not to mention every War of Worlds movie ever made, even the one with Tom Cruise? Let that sink in for a minute …even the one with Tom Cruise. But today insight itself is shunned, which is just what the giant spider wants! My blogging started as a condemnation of republican thought since as far back as the premiere of American Idol. I still believe, Sanjaya! But, if our democracy is determined to shift toward a more imperial presidency, why not prop up a progressive Ubermensch over a deplorable one? Let’s imagine a world run by a more spiritually-centered, liberal fascist …you know, a better despot, a leader who both lifts and separates …wait, or is that from those Cross Your Heart Bra commercials? If we’re deadset on despotism, let’s upgrade MAGA to Make Autocracies Great Again. Why have an Ass-clown Hitler when we could install a Dalai Stalin, or a Gengis Gandhi, or even a Lenin Lennon?

[I’m being told to stop. I’m being Yoko Amin’d.]

Trump Sets The Barr Real Low For 2020: Vlad, If You’re Listening, Release The Pee Tape

My biggest pet peeve of 2019 is how our fearless leader refused to protect our elections. Today we find he’s actually blocking a bipartisan bill that punishes Russia for election interference. All roads not only lead to Moscow, but they lead right to a certain room at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. We had a two year “special” investigation that discovered the president was indeed compromised to Russia, but Mueller didn’t feel it was “part of his mandate” to explore? Then he releases a report that no one understood, or even bothered to read—that, in fact, a gag order is being issued right now to keep any of the damning parts out the hands of Congress. Then Post Mueller (PM) president resumes his high crimes and misdemeanors by extorting Ukraine the very next day. Fast forward to the impeachment, and there will be no witnesses and no fair jurors in the Senate, because the John-Boehner-created process employed in the House is deemed unacceptable. When you bury this shit, history is going to bury you. Seventeen witnesses laid out the entire narrative and what few grey areas remain can easily be filled in with article two of the impeachment, Obstruction of Congress. If you think there’s a case to clear this morally bankrupt, executive-brain-fart of a man, then make it. I have no delusions about a fair trial for this next phase, but at the very least I want people forced to state for the record that they support an active crime syndicate. Chuck and Nancy are right to try to make this a painful process. Quick, someone find Sir Laurence Olivier and a dentist costume. #IsItSafe?

No Spying During Spygate? What Next, No Pizza During Pizzagate?

Before waging battle with any of your crazy relatives this holiday season, here’s your updated handy-dandy scandal review list. Today we have some new Spygate fodder for your enjoyment. See why each and every republican led scandal ends in bullshit. Find out why there is never any there, there. Oh, and if you’re really gutsy, try reading this summary scandal table out loud at the next extended family gathering. Not recommended (Battery and/or Assault sold separately).

Amercia: The Not-So-Great Satan

Earlier today the Navy Secretary resigned over what is being called a ‘Trumpian pardon my overreach’ scandal. Hey, someone should pose next to Giuliani …you know, after they get to him. Yesterday, China called the US the biggest source of instability in the world, which is another good reason to dump the almighty Donald. Meanwhile, the once unthinkable notion of ditching the dollar is now likely resonating with even the Merkels of the world. Two days ago we find a top Commander warning of the next Iran attack. Yeah, I don’t mind another avoidable war, but who to root for? Kidding, but how does the US manage to cede the moral high ground to even the Ayatollahs? What do you do for your next trick, republicans? Never mind. The last time I posed that question the economy Dubya’d. And, if you dare to jump into the Wayback Machine all the way back to two weeks ago, Tehran was unveiling some anti-American murals to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the hostage crisis. Oh, and they’ve managed to resume their uranium enrichment, in their spare time. Centrifuge sold separately. And the day before that, North Korea fired another long range missile as their Supreme Leader was seen riding a unicorn with a rainbow shooting out of its …wait, I’m being told that was our Photoshop team’s rendition. Keep me in the loop, fellas! I guess it’s time for us to arm all sides in this Middle East crisis, not for peace, but for some more lucrative weapons contracts.  Who knew hiring an ass-clown would bring about such a circus 🤡 😲?

[Boeing, Boeing, Gone? and Halliburton & Ernie joke awarded a new lucrative contracts.]