The DEA Is A Rogue Agency: Which Sadly Has Nothing To Do With X-Men


Here’s a homework assignment for those disenfranchised Sanders supporters among us. Besides learning how to count delegates correctly, I want you all to direct your youthful angst toward a certain government agency. It’s called the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are the ones shooting your dog and arresting your loved ones for harmless substances. Crack lives matter! Look, even I do retractions and I am just a spoof news satirist, which I believe means I worship Clown Satan (sorry, I never studied). So who is the 2016 Gold Medal winner for lack of retractions? You guessed it, the DEA. After five years of legal proceedings, marijuana will remain a Schedule 1 substance. Ballistic does not begin to capture the adjectives swirling around my head right now, so let’s add the DEA to the coveted Hall Of Things That No Longer Serve A Purpose. Recap: you lost the War on Drugs, badly, and now let’s add your stunning loss to the War on Reason. They should be part of John Oliver’s How Is This Still A Thing?
This agency lacks even the most rudimentary precursors of what we in the field call objectivity. No really, I’m smoking in a field, right now. Essentially the DEA is refusing to reclassify marijuana to something more reasonable in 2016, on Earth. Third Rock from the Fun? This ruling not only means pot stays a Schedule 1 narcotic (aka, no medicinal uses), but it remains numero uno on the bullshit-squads heartland hit-list. Can you say Marinol? What does spell-check and the FDA have in common? Neither of them seem to recognize the FDA-approved drug called Marinol, which is derived from something called marijuana. Of course big Pharma and Big Brother obviously teamed up on this one, as no single agency outside of the NRA could be this ignorant. Marinol is often prescribed for nausea so, after today’s ruling, ask your doctor if vomiting on a DEA agent is right for you.

Let’s Review the Facts of the War on Drugs:

Pot = Not Dangerous

Republican Thought and their attempts to quell its use = Extremely Dangerous

(Kidding, there’s no such thing as Republican thought)


How do you get away with ignoring facts and statistics, yet again? For the record I am not a pot smoker, but today I vow to start. Dopesitional Defiance? My reasoning? Obviously avoiding pot has an inverse reaction on intelligence. Look, I’m not saying conservatism isn’t important, but it apparently leads to some form of political down syndrome. Despite the endless piles of studies, data, and findings, marijuana remains listed as among the most dangerous substances on earth. In fact, it’s currently considered more dangerous than things like conservative-thought, alternate-street parking, and The Donald. Besides this aforementioned appetite/nausea thing, we all know marijuana has numerous other medicinal uses. 420 to be exact. Hey, with pot on board maybe I could make it through an entire episode of Hannity. I’m not saying this a productive us for this medicine, but it warrants further (cough) study. I think it’s time for a reeaally affluent MF like Warren Buffet to pay the legal fees for more and more Americans arrested for victimless crimes. Isn’t it nice of me to volunteer huge chunks of your fortune, sir? Or, let’s put the next Bernie-like 27 dollar initiative toward suing the balls off of these assholes.

Do you have a warrant? Of course you do, this is the land of Freedumb. Lest we forget, Republicans actually champion all of the real personal infringements that we as citizens face. Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think? Isn’t it also ironic that none of those things in that Alanis Morisette song are actually examples of irony? That Alanis …always one step ahead of the rest of us. Anyway, I’m officially ready for the revolution in whatever form it takes, tablet, edible, smokeable or otherwise. Feel the Burn?

Bernie sanders on legalization

Who are these “doctors” over at the DEA who made this profound decision? How is this agency a medical authority on anything in the first place? We’ve known for many years in the field of addiction that marijuana is about the most innocuous stuff out there. Who made this decision? Witch doctors? That’s not a spelling error. I didn’t realize if you conducted enough cavity searches it made you an honorary MD.  Or:
“It’s time we lessened the outsized influence of a law enforcement agency on medical decisions and started to rebuild our credibility as scientists on the marijuana issue.”
There’s that dirty word again, science. God forbid we allow facts to get in the way of destroying people’s lives and collecting revenue. Graham Hancock considers the War on Drugs no less than the oppression of consciousness itself:

“If we as adults are not free to make sovereign decisions – right or wrong – about our own consciousness, that most intimate, that most sapient, that most personal part of ourselves, then in what useful sense can we be said to be free at all?”

—Graham Hancock

We need to make sure whoever is incarcerated post this date gets to sue the balls off these know-nothing fascists. The DEA has outlived its usefulness and we should do everything in our power to defund and delegitimize this rogue agency. Let me walk that back a bit. Republican policies are just ignorant, but I believe the DEA’s ignorance is intentional. For them it’s about money. It’s about locking up people, mostly minorities, in their private prisons. It’s all a widespread effort to feather their nests off the blood and the lives of the innocent. It’s also about not being wrong in the first place. They do not want to face the music. They don’t want to acknowledge the consequences of their draconian actionsactions that have devastated hundreds of thousands of Americans and their families over the last few decades. I think we need to do everything within the bounds of the law to sabotage this skid mark of an agency. Who knows, maybe the Republican Congress can teach us a thing or two after all? When is it going to be time for the DEA to spread their cheeks? If there’s still such a thing as justice in this country that day or rectuming will come soon. I hereby categorize your agency has having no medicinal purpose.
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.