Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!

Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
Mick Zano

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from.  My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick).  Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever…  I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap!  My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?!  I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, “Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!”

That is a small example of how the right is killing the debate.  They may or may not be crazy enough to elect a Palin or a Bachmann, but the damage is done.  I really should have read that other article, maybe I would understand them a little more.  It’s like setting off a political dirty nuke when many of us are just starting to get our bearings.   And how is distracting the last few real journalists helping?  Just because you don’t have any left on your side doesn’t mean they don’t perform an important function. 

In a post Bush we-can-barely-keep-the-dollar-solvent world, they have derailed the political discourse, yet again.  How is any reasonably sane person supposed to believe cable news?  I want the media questioning Obama, I agree with Fox on that much, but how can you watch it long enough to discern anything meaningful and hold down your lunch?  Especially with, as Andrew Sullivan calls it, this 24/7 Breitbart style circus of ACORNs, and mosques, and birthers, oh my.  I’m much more concerned about Michele Bachmann as president in 2012 than I am about anything else, domestic, global, or Mayan (sorry Ghetto man).   Yes, that’s including my dwindling iodine supply.  But, on that front, if Mothra, Rodan, and Godzilla join forces they can beat Fukushima!  I just know it!

From a level of consciousness perspective, many of our fundamental Foxeteer friends (FFF) are only functioning slightly higher than that Koran-burning bozo from Florida.  Shit is going wrong, right now. I want to stay focused on Libya, on the economy, on the frigging ball!  I just want those someones covering this shit to have their GEDs! Or, at least the GE part.  Hey, don’t they own MSNBC?  Hell, I’m part of the problem…my biggest complaint is not our failing financial system, it’s Fox friggin’ News.  All of my negative energy could be diffused, immediately, if they would simply turn the debate over to those with some insight and some understanding—OK, if they found people with those qualities on the right.  If and when that happens we would be in much better shape. 

The camps are so divided now that neither wants to give the other any ammunition.  Someone goes, “Nice job on that gotcha moment with Obama, dude!”  And then you pass the next cubicle and hear, “Great, you supported a talking point for our ‘special’ journalists over on Fox.”

Granted, it’s no excuse not to do your job, but these days it’s sadly an O’Reilly factor.

The ridiculously dumbed-down debate (RDDD) has poisoned the entire system, as if destroying the global economy in their spare time weren’t enough.  The left leaning media doesn’t ask the hard questions and the right can’t figure out how to hit record on their recorders (which doesn’t matter; they were only going to ask about his birth certificate again, anyway). 

Palin or Bachmann may never come close to the oval office, but there’s that butt…and Palin’s isn’t bad.  Just…er, please stop trying to fit a square peg into an Oval Office.  Instead of covering our fearless leaders’ antics, even Andrew Sullivan spends waaaaaay too much time bashing Palin over on The Daily Dish.  But I get it. Sentient creatures are frightened of what the right is capable of.  Doubling down on the stupid has been fun and all, but we’re getting near the end game now.   

How do you think keeping intelligent people focused on the freak show is helping? Which begs the question, if Democrats can’t fix this shit, who will?  As I have said before, the only group I have less confidence in than the Democrats are the Republicans.  Can we afford someone dumber than Bush as leader of the free world from 2012 to 2020?  Really?  Sorry, but this is what 40% of our programmed populace is prepared to support.   They will all feel much better when things are collapsing again—at least they’re consistent.  No matter what is happening on the world or domestic stage, a Bachmann or a Palin Administration would compound the problem tenfold.   With all the predictions I’ve made thus far that’s the safest bet.

This week the right asked why Bill Maher is allowed to make insensitive comments about women.  Hey, I have an idea…why don’t you police your nominees and then we’ll take away that whole freedom of speech thing for everyone else.  Your myopic view of the Constitution is sickening.  I’m not a witch, I’m your wife… I mean, I’m you, if you were lobotomized.  Vote for me, witch is you…  Yeah, let’s get her back.

Besides…the left’s comedians are much more insightful and intelligent than your flipping candidates!   That’s not hyperbole, that is a fact!  Bring out the IQ testers.   Safe bet part deux.

It really begs the question, are they really that ridiculous or are they placating to the Joe the Dumbers out there?  I think Newt is pandering.  At the end of the day, he is a lot smarter than your average elephant. He’s a bright, but souless man.  We need someone on the right with a functional brain and a functional conscience.  So far none, in any position of prominence, exist.  They’ve all been chased off.  I’m only saying this because “you assholes have a shot in 2012 and I still have to live here.” 

The fact remains, 40% of the population will support these nutjobs, even if their entire candidacy is tied to some shady Koch Brothers’ business deal.   Yes, that’s how dangerous Fox is.  They could get 40% of America to believe Canadians are all socialist, hockey luvin’, pansies who must be occupied for their massive oil shale deposits.  It may sound extreme, but an unchecked media can “prove” any connection and make the case for any invasion (see Iraq 2003).  Sure, we should invade Canada, but only for their beer and hockey.  Sure it sounds crazy, but Fox could make a strong case…and by strong I mean, repeating a falsehood ad nauseam until the feeble minded believe it.

Obama’s picker’s broken?  Please.  Have you read the top ten list of popular people on the right?  It makes Arkham’s Home for the Criminally Insane look like A Very Brady Christmas.  Am I showing my age?  No Greg, don’t surf with the amulet!!!   

Bottom line, many credible folks are disgusted with today’s right, therefore they dismiss all of their arguments, which is certainly part of the reason Obama can ignore a bazillion dollar deficit.  When nine out of ten things you say are untrue and/or uninteresting, you can apparently hide a gazillion dollars in there, somewhere. 

The left needs to start focusing on the deficit.  They need to accept the fact they’ll be adding some fuel to the fire over on Fox, but how can they ignore the greatest issue of our time?  Our defaulting economy is the problem now.  The right is closer to the truth on this score than the left.  Of course, who do they get to state their case?  …Michele off-my-Prozac Bachmann.  Nice…real nice.  Sure the right is politicizing the deficit and attacking and defunding things they hate, like old people, but how is ignoring the deficit any better?  Obama needed to lead on this.  For the first two years of his presidency he gets a pass.  The first gazillion dollars bypassed a depression—most of us get that—but the free pass is now over.  We need a long term solution to the debt, a comprehensive strategy that cuts responsibly from every quadrant and sector of our society.   If we ignore the problem any longer we will default…then we will no longer be a country of any prominence in the world.  But, if we gut all social programs and further expand our defense budget to occupy some other oil rich land, this country is going to be unrecognizable in a few years. 

The Crank has a great point, a flat tax NOW!! See, just mentioning the Crank leads to BOLD, CAPITALIZED SENTENCES AND EXCLAMTION POINTS!!  If you want to purchase something, everyone needs to start figuring in the interest, whether you’re Donald Trump or our own street wandering, Ghetto Shaman—with the exception of malt liquor products, of course.  We have to throw the Shaman at least one Bone (if he hasn’t already been eaten by crawdads).

Join the Transcosmetic Party today and say “no” to dumb and dumber, no matter which side of the aisle they inhabit.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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