Most understand how scorpions loathe their aquatic brothers, the viscous crawdad. Both have segmented bodies, pinching claws, and a burning desire to kill everything that crosses their path. These spineless bastards part ways, however, when it comes to protecting the environment. Whereas scorpions drive Priuses and recycle whenever possible, crawdads are a different story.
Scorpions will do everything in their power to rid the world of excess vermin, crawdads happen to be that vermin. Those cray-beasts are hell-bent on destroying all other life forms leaving the planet a desolate void—like Mesa. Scorpions would kick some serious crawdad ass, if only they inhabited the same ecosystem. So I, Alex Bone, have finally figured out a way to put their natural animosity to good use (insert diabolical laughter here). I have designed small diving helmets to fit over a scorpion’s head. Then, with a tiny oxygen line, these deadly scorpions are now able to enter the water and fight their evil brethren on their own turf. This pleases Yig.
The experiments are due to begin this spring, barring any altercations between Zano and his nemesis the Arizona Game and Fish Commission. The Discord staff will be armed to the gills (so to speak) as they set forth with bucket loads of poison-laden scorpions. These daring environmentalists will let nothing stand in their way, other than numerous beer runs, barbecue breaks, horse shoe matches, cold pond-water bong hits, forest nymphs, and the aforementioned Arizona Game and Fish Commission.
It will be dicey, of course, for we will be dozens of miles from the nearest liquor store, but the advantages clearly outweigh the risks. Others complain about war, genocide, nuclear weapons and the recent expansion of executive power, but we have survived those for generations, or at least some of us have. Crawdads on the other hand are a nearly unstoppable force that will feast on any living organism. If left unchecked, they could soon control the world…soon they will be on top of the food chain!
So, with the grace of Yig and a few dozen cases of micro brew, these Stalwart warriors will set off for adventure…just as soon as they can find Bone’s damned car keys.
Mick Zano has been quoted as saying, “Bring some other styles besides IPAs, bitch,” as well as other important contributions to the cause.
First it was the fish, then the frogs, but I drew the line when they ate my mother-in-law. Yep, drew it right after that and between the death of my dog and those little bastards chewing on the end of my new sandals.
As the self appointed head of Home Stream Security (HSS), I am moving the color coded warning system to Red Ale, so Zano doesn’t bitch about the beer selection. Like it or not, this is humanity’s last stand. It’s us or them. I’m hoping these scorpions will give us enough of an edge to have a chance. Our first attempt with cats went rather poorly. I forgot how much they hate water. You will be missed, Snowflake. But this scorpion thing is going to rock and then I will earn my place as the Scorpion King!
Only time will tell who will be the last to end up in the boiling water and then buttered—but, if it’s me, I sure hope they pour a few bottles of ale into the caldron before I go. Yeah, I’m talking about IPA, bitch.