Palmyra, SY—The radical group calling itself the Islamic State, or ISIS, has laid siege and captured the ancient Syrian city of Palmyra. President Obama immediately enlisted the aid of a man known to many as the “Indiana Jones of lost archeology.” It is hoped Jones can save some of the oldest beers ever brewed.
The fabled city of Palmyra—which, in this case, is actually real—is believed to be home to The Holy Ale, The Beer of Destiny, and the Arc of the Kölschenant. Many believe there is also still Gold Lager in them there hills. President Obama feels, “These important items, along with Palmyra Brewing Company T-shirts and beer steins, are not the kind of items we want to see fall into the hands of radicals. Especially abstinent ones.”
Republicans immediately questioned the decision, which they would like to remind people is not just a knee jerk reaction. John Q. Republican said, “We are much faster than knee jerk. We’ve totally blown passed that shit.” Many on the right feel that choosing Jones was a mistake, citing his recklessness, his age, and his hectic schedule filming the next Star Wars movie.
President Obama admitted, “Even on a good day, Jones breaks a lot of shit, but in this case he was the guy most likely to get behind enemy lines and bring back a case. I’m hoping for the Palmyra Porter but I would be happy with any of their flagship beers or seasonals.”
Indiana Jones chose to fly in himself into Syria, which caused some unease after his last incident at Penmar Golf Course. In related news, Jones remains furious over The Daily Discord’s coverage of the incident, here.