Tag Archive for humor

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Finds Actual Smoking Gun At White House

Tweet Tower—Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller said he was “as surprised as anyone to find a bonafide gun still emitting smoke not a hundred feet from the Oval Office.” During a preliminary sweep of the building, Mueller also found empty beer cans, a live chicken, and an inflatables sheep. “None of these are in and of themselves indictable offenses,” said Mueller, “but they are still worth mentioning. And, yes, it looked as if the sheep had been violated.”

Virtual Shark Speaks Out for First Time After Phelps-Shark Race Debacle

Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”

Chicken & Waffling? Trump Rolls Back Threat To Nuke Chicken Currently Stalking White House

Tweet Tower—President Trump ordered the giant chicken parked near the White House to “stand down, or risk a tweet and profanity storm not seen on this planet since Monday.” The chicken appears to be unfazed by the president’s threats and continues to loom menacingly nearby. Secretary of Defense General James Mattis told the Discord, “This situation is contained, so there is no nuclear option on the table. I believe the president was referring to a microwavable chicken nugget and a picnic table.” General Mattis later added, “This President is not a chicken hawk, but I’ll admit his comments are rather half-baked, and you should really try to avoid that with chicken. Speaking of which, if you can get salmonella from a chicken, why can’t you get chicken pox from a salmon? That always bothered me.”

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Spotted In Sam’s Club Buying Indictments In Bulk

Rockville, MDSpecial Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”

Affirmative Action Program Replaced With Infirmative Inaction

Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”

Trump Still Unsure Of Russia Meddling, The Word Collusion, Or Where That Little Bathroom Is Near The Roosevelt Room

Tweet Tower—On Monday Senior Adviser Jared Kushner announced his lack of any Russian connections, any collusion of any kind, or any real interest in Russia whatsoever, up to and including where it is located on a map. President Trump told the press today he is “proud” of his son-in-law’s ability to read a prepared statement as well as his stated lack of map-reading prowess. He then insisted the White House food “sucks” compared to his Mar-a-Lago resort, and how there are “so many bathrooms in the White House, I have yet to #2 tweet in all of them. Sad. #TwitterShitter. Speaking of draining the swamp, I need some Drano here! In the bathroom by the painting of Dolly Parton!”

Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com

Middle-JerseyPresident Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that or have him investigate who keeps peeing on the Keebler Elf tree, but that’s probably just Bannon. This journey is a better one. It should take him hundreds of beleaguers away. See what I did there?”