Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers

Mick Zano

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

42%!!  Was it not Douglas Adams who told us 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?  I, for one, don’t believe in Synchronicity, which is why I have now called for the burning of all Police albums.  They will feel the wrath of this 42-year old Discord staffer’s Sting. Or, as the Ghetto Shaman tells us don’t blog so close to me, bitches!  Sorry.

I had the distinction of talking to fellow Discordian, Pokey McDooris the other night.

He said, and I quote, “I only listen to AM radio now and I have never seen things more clearly.”

Er, and he wonders why we haven’t featured his posts lately.

I have a sneaking suspicion this “clear vision” of his is paid for by some billionaire in Texas.  We use to argue, circa five or six years ago, about the end of America. He had his version and I had mine.  I talked about torture, secret prisons, the unprecedented growth of the executive branch, and the coming economic collapse.  He talked about guns and his own freedom of speech.  Thankfully, I shot the bastard while cursing him out (hint: still legal in my state).

Sorry, but I think the movement that should’ve been started in America five or six years ago was hijacked by morons.  Look, just because my tent is rather small at .00000000001 of the population, doesn’t mean I don’t think there’s room in my Grinchy little heart for up to .0000000002 of the population.  Now accepting applications.

And I don’t think the Tea Party is racist.  Sure, racism represents about 10%, but so what? 10% of liberals think Nancy Pelosi is doing swell. The Crank is right to expose this misuse of the race card.  Meanwhile, Pokey thinks the main Tea Party mantra involves immigration reform.  I actually agree with Pokey and the Crank on aspects of immigration reform (hint: there’s more to it).

Here’s why I think 18% of America (the Tea Party) stands for the least insightful bunch.  Does that mean they’re all dumb?  Hell No!  As I have said, many times, if they grow up, I will join them—or, I’ll even join the Christine O’Donnell version, otherwise known as wank it and they will cum.

The Tea Party has figured out, finally, that there is something very, very wrong with this Norman Rockwell painting we call America.  So they are ahead of those factions still in the dark.  But here’s where they lose most of their legitimacy, credibility, and just about anyone with blood flowing freely into their frontal lobes. 

How to fix the Tea Party in 10 easy steps:

  1. No more developmentally disabled keynote speakers.  Any future party leaders must have his or her GED (minimum).  OK, OK, in the interest of compromise, they must at least be able to spell GED.
  2. Your ‘movement’ can’t vote for Bush twice (you know you did) and then claim twelve hours into the Obama administration that America’s broken (hint: it happened before then).
  3. You can’t say ‘pox on both your houses’ and vote in the next dangerous dimwit with a Pledge to America that should make even Cheney wince.
  4. You can’t say you’re for the economy and support all the Bush tax cuts.  Especially when, each and every economist not paid for by Fox will tell you they are the single greatest deficit creators EVER.
  5. On that note: you can’t vote for Republicans to restore fiscal conservatism when they grew the deficits over the last 40 years more than twice as much as the Dems (Sorry, but Obama doesn’t count.  Capitalism ended in 2008).
  6. You also can’t vote in the next Republican under the delusion of wanting a smaller government when no one in history EVER grew the U.S. Government more than George W. Bush.  Sorry…facts again, terrible stuff.
  7. You can’t have Fox News champion your movement, period, because they represent journalism’s emotional support class.  Sorry…reality again.
  8. Finally, your mantra can’t be this: bad economic times are not a good time to have ANY taxes.  Oh, and good economic times are not a good time to have ANY taxes.  That philosophy has worked wonders on helping me pay off my personal credit card debt.

I know, I said ten easy steps, not eight, but since most of you aren’t into the whole math-thing, that was an attempt at solidarity—which, as Colbert tells us, brings us to Tonight’s Word:


I’m kidding!  I love you guys and the barely-literate bumpkins you vote-in on.  Ultimately you must distance yourselves from Fox and distance yourselves from the Republicans, or you’re just a bunch of dupes for the biggest dopes. 

Look, I don’t like the Dems either.  I was the original ‘pox on both your houses’ guy, remember?  But trust me on this one, the Tea Party will only hasten our demise.  But, hey, I’ve been wrong before—probably that Crank being right part.  Talk about going out on a limb.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.