Putin Explains Involvement in Syria: “I’m Just Getting In Some Target Practice”

palmyra2Damascus, SY—The global community is questioning the motives and the implications of Russia’s increased military involvement in Syria. Russia and Syria have always had strong ties but now Russian President Vladimir Putin is building a military base in the heart of Damascus. When asked if there is more to Putin’s strategy than simply combating ISIS, Putin shrugged, “I have so few political adversaries left I haven’t kill—uh, beaten at the polls—that I’ve decided on a little Hunger Games, Moscow-style.”

After answering several questions Putin mounted his dragon stead, Ivan, and is headed to Syria for victims. When asked about the name Ivan, Putin said, “I have named him Ivan Drago. He was the boxer from Rocky II also known as Death From Above. Remember that? In the Russian version of this movie he knocks Rocky Balboa’s head clean off the top of his spine. It’s epic and a more accurate outcome.”

When asked about his decision to ride into Syria on a dragon instead of a giant bear, Putin said, “As much as the bear is the symbol of Russia, I am rethinking the whole bear thing. A pet dragon is way cooler and such outings also saves money on dragon kibble.”

Putin’s decision to indiscriminately gun down Syrians is being met with heavy criticism from the U.S., the EU and Coney Island. Putin responded thusly, “Look, this is win win. If I kill members of ISIS even Al-Qaeda will be happy. And do you know how hard it is to please those assholes? Then let’s say I accidentally shoot 27 refugees in the face today, who’s going to cry about having to let only 6-million people into their country instead of 6-million and 27? See, it’s a simple math thing…subtraction, I believe.”

 

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