Immigration reform is a problem that deserves a solution and one that keeps us safe and reflects our values at our border towns, brothels, and beyond—not to mention those bathroom stores. Here’s where I agree with my friend and blogvesary: a liberal plan for border security is empty if Dems aren’t serious about comprehensive immigration reform. Some of their hesitancy is, no doubt, tied to a lack of political will for fear of alienating voters. And this is where our agreement begins and ends. Everything else the right side of the aisle is the usual blend of bloviational hyperbole and methane (BHM). Amplifartcation? Lest we forget how Republican reform, not immigration reform, is the number one issue on the docket. But here’s a breakdown of the problem and the solution:
If you want to know what happens when a society shifts rightward just turn on Alan Moore’s alternate timeline Watchmen and have someone punch you in the nuts. Then when someone asks Who Watches the Watchmen? you can say, “I do”, in a really high squeaky voice. Shortly after joining congress, Alexandria Oscia-Cortez channeled some Rorschach: “I am not locked in here with YOU! You’re locked in here with MEEE!!” Life mimics art and, according to Moore, art is knowing when you don’t need to be a hero anymore. On that note I’ve been wrestling with the prospect of throwing in the WordPress towel, or at least shifting The Discord’s focus to my other hobby interest, Australian rules cross stitch.
My family doesn’t discuss politics anymore, which has become the new normal for many American households. A few conversations did skirt along the edge of relevance this yule time, which has become a bit of a holiday ho-ho no-no. This endless family ‘debate’ has spanned decades, resolves nothing, and invariably dances around anything resembling meaningful discourse. Sound familiar? Republicans certainly have the right to be politically stunted and we all hope they earn their GOP-GED someday, but I can no longer support their ongoing misappropriation of reason. It’s time you all understood just how hard it’s been for the rest of us to decipher exactly why you think the way you do, and—despite the mounting political, economic and human carnage—why your neurological affliction is only worsening.
Ask your doctor if Factchekzia is right for you.
Here’s what I have learned of the larger patterns of this endless argument:
Chicago—The ongoing shutdown is impacting millions of Americans and the willingness of the unpaid masses to keep performing their critical roles is waning. TSA agent Harry Stiles is one man who’s bearing the brunt of this political impasse. Word came in yesterday that an individual was smuggling enough heroin on his person to fund Trump’s team of attorneys for an entire year, but Mr. Stiles is starting to have a shutdown problem of his own. He agreed to speak to The Discord only under the condition he could remain fictional. “This week I started patting down one leg and the person’s alternate arm. Next week I’m going with my ‘every other person pat down’ policy and if this shit drags on into February I’m initiating Operation Wild Wild West.”
The Southwest—The lack of supervision during the government shutdown has triggered an unprecedented wave of criminal mischief across our national parks and monuments. Numerous reports are coming in that scores of juvenile delinquents have officially wrecked the southwest. Park rangers claim rattle snakes are being forced into clog-removing snake labor, whole canyons are being backfilled, and cactuses across our deserts are being humped and molested outright. There’s even reports coming in that the town of Sedona is now overrun with snooty, New Agey types. No, wait …that part’s normal.
Tweet Tower—President Trump ended the government shutdown 17-minutes after Twitter announced it would be closing the president’s account. The company also informed the president that it relies heavily on indirect government funding to remain a leading social media platform #GovFundMe. Upon hearing the news, several White House staffers claim the president frantically tried to log onto his Facebook account. This ended minutes later with a Presidential Zuckerberg-Related Tirade (PZRT) that could be heard clear to the Washington Monument. The president then cursed all of the Facebook founder’s children and his childrens’ childrens’ children, before opting to bailout twitter and end the shutdown.
Tweet Tower—President Trump’s ghoulish adviser, Stephen Miller, is warning the world that if the president’s demands for wall funding are ignored any longer, the government may not start again in the traditional fashion. He told the press today the president may have to use an executive order to ‘pop the clutch’, or ‘Trump-start’ the nation to get it running properly. Some theorize this could be accomplished by pushing the government down a steep hill. The White House has not confirmed that it’s considering the hill over on 13th street by Columbia Heights. “This is unchartered territory,” said Miller. “We should probably just meet the president’s demands on this one. Why take the chance that our country’s brakes could fail?”
The National Enquirer has identified the cybernetic entity involved in the most costly pending divorce the world has ever known. Jeff Bezos is denying the infidelity, claiming, “She doesn’t even have HDMI ports; we are totally incompatible.” The billionaire is also standing by his IT department’s programming algorithms, which strictly forbids their cyborgs to engage in extramarital affairs. Bezos claims the ‘steamy text messages’ at the heart of the scandal were actually meant for Siri. “I was just talking to Siri. I flirt with her sometimes, sure, but it’s totally bionic *cough* platonic. We really connect sometimes, but it’s just a hobby, really, like sewing or shuttlecock. Damn, take that last one out, please.”
South Park, CO—Today Spectr-phil-A Records proudly announced the venue for their 8th annual Fakeapalooza. The popular fictional music-jest will be held in South Park, Colorado this year and the event is scheduled to last a full a eleven days, “because our music festivals go to eleven!” Many of the best names in fictional rock are already booked, such as Spinal Tap, The Rutles, Eddie and The Cruisers, Josie & The Pussycats, Sex Bob-om, The Soggy Bottom boys, The Hong Kong Cavaliers (minus Buckaroo Bazai), Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem (minus Animal, who’s in rehab), the non-surviving members of the Monkees and parts of Gene Simmons. There’s even rumors The Discord’s own Armpit Salesmen will be making an appearance! The Salesmen, a self-described Spinal Tap cover band, features Cokie McGrath (whichever one is available) on lead vocals, Tony Benjamin-Franklin Ballz on lead guitar, Alex Already-His-Alias Bone on drums, Les Moore, more or less on keyboards, and even Mick Zano will be there, jamming out on the triangle, tambourine and/or cowbell. Tickets are $85 through Ticketgon or completely free at the door #BYOLGBTQ. Don’t void where prohibited as you could be arrested.
Dark Side of the Moon—A Chinese rover has sent back the first images from the dark side of the moon and they are, well, pretty much what rock & roll fans all expected. The mission has proven, once and for all, there is Waters on the dark side of the moon. Yesterday, at 10:26 a.m. Beijing time, the Chinese spacecraft Chang’e 4 landed in an area on the lunar surface somewhere between the Sea of Tranquility and the hood The Chinese probe then deployed a rover that soon sent back the first images along with an eerie, tangential message, “Set the controls for the heart of the sun. Interstellar overdrive one of these days, Pigs! … Is there anybody out there? Mother? Nobody home? Wish you were here, Animals. There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it’s all dark…”