Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy

Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment…oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

Sorry I’ve been bogarting the feature column lately but I have a lot to say amidst our nation’s impending demise. First off, what the chart below shows is the ideological drift within the House of Reprehensibles.

Congressional Polarization

It shows a relatively flat line regarding liberal ideology since 1879 (that’s not a typo, 1879). Since 1981, however, the GOP has plotted a course directly to a land where you never have to grow up. It’s called Never Ever Right…

I don’t agree with fairies, I don’t, I don’t!

That chart, courtesy of voteviewblog, is astounding. This is precisely why I have been calling this trend the story within the story of our time. Of course the GOP has a similar chart to disprove my claims, but I can’t read crayon. Republicans believe that in recent years liberals have gone completely Oprah the Rain-View. This chart, and just about every political blog I have ever posted, suggests otherwise. Umm, you’re first hint was when I started that sentence with ‘republicans believe’. Works every time. 

My main thesis remains:

We don’t have a spending problem, an immigration problem, a nuclear proliferation problem, a climate change problem, we have a republican problem. I make this over-the-top statement only because through the GOP’s mile-thick ideological filter (MTIF) none of these other issues are solvable, or even debatable.  Climate change? Not happening. Immigration? Let’s build a giant wall. Government? Shut it all down, etc. It would be comical if it weren’t true. The punch line of all of this, if there is one, is that Muslim’s will likely never implement Sharia Law in the U.S., but, on their current trajectory, the GOP eventually just might.

Here’s the Washington Post’s take away:

“Republicans in Congress continued to grow more ideological over the first eight months of 2013 while Democrats’ partisanship remained relatively steady. That’s in keeping with a long-term polarization trend in the House that began in the early 1980s. Since that time, both parties have grown increasingly more polarized in their votes, but Republicans’ polarization numbers have moved up further — and faster — than Democrats.”

Chris Cillizza

It’s not just the move to the right that’s so troubling, it’s the move to the wrong. Some evil geniuses may be behind this trend, but their foot soldiers make pro-football players on crack seem stable. And who exactly is guiding a huge swath of our society toward disaster? Who benefits from a global economic collapse? Or have the monkeys taken over the zoo? Are they beyond anyone’s control now? You get the sense those in charge of nearly half our country’s political views are sitting around somewhere going…

Liberal version:

Let’s try this shit.

Are you nuts, man?!

Think of the loot we stand to rake in! Besides, what hasn’t worked?

Good point, dude. You rock!

GOP/evil genius version:

This is totally implementable.

With all due respect (adjusts glasses), it’s outrageous hyperbole.

We own AM radio, Fox News, and Drudge. Think about every other news cycle we’ve run, EVER. If nothing else think of our stock options.

You are diabolical beyond your assets, sir.

Never forget that, Smithers.

And certainly some of the increase in the liberal ideology is a reaction to this nonsense, count me for one. Has there been any measurable advantage to the recent extremism of the GOP? I can’t think of anything. Meanwhile, here is the damage report:

1. The GOP’s aversion to all green energies and an undying devotion to coal, nuclear and oil

…you know, the people who subsidize their political views.

2. Less unions.


3. Right to Work States.

This is a great incentive for a business to move into your state…er, until all fifty states are Right to Work. Didn’t think that far ahead, did ya?

4. The Patriot Act (2001).

This legislation is a directly linked to every real Obama scandal as well as the gross expansion of executive power from which we may never recover, aka the stuff Bush did that you want to impeach Obama for.

5. The invasion and occupation of the wrong country (2003).

Did I mention Iraq is descending into a civil war now and are an obstacle to cutting a deal with Syria? Strong work.

6. The global economic collapse (2008).

Thanks W.

7. The decrease in the U.S.’s credit rating (Aug 2011).

Thanks Tea Party! I say this only because those who downgraded us said why they did. Imagine that.

8. Stopping the Fed from reducing the amount of U.S. bonds they purchase each month (Aug 2013).

Again, this time the Fed cited, “government dysfunction.” Without the GOP the spigot would be slowed.

9. The government shutdown and subsequent economic collapse (Oct. 2013).

Fallout pending.

These actually happened or are happening. They’re in the history books. Hasn’t fiscal conservatism cost us enough? Oh, and here’s a similar list of atrocities on the Left:

1. Chicago sucks

…and Obama’s from Chicago.

2. Kenya sucks

…and Obama’s from Kenya.

3. Benghazi

Four Americans Still Dead in Libya (FASLD*)

*Sorry, republicans haven’t mastered acronyms yet.

Over the last twenty years the only time someone in my family—or anyone I know for that matter—actually lost money, or rights, or jobs, or freedoms was due to a republican decision, law, or stunt so WTFU (wake the F-up!).  On the other hand, Kenya does suck. That’s the last time I shop at that mall.

Oh wait, never mind, I did receive a 250 dollar check from Bush once…you know, during his let’s-lower-taxes-during-two-unnecessary-land-wars-maneuver (LLTDTULWM). I would like to send that money back to him with a limerick or two. There once was a douche from West Crawford? Do you have any idea how much that pittance cost us in the long term? Of course you don’t, you’re republicans.

In the grand scheme of things, we know very little about our complex world, our economy, our climate, or any of the other mind numbing issues facing our country. But usually there’s one thing we have figured out; there’s one course of action that history strongly suggests we avoid, so invariably that’s what the GOP advocates.

In my recent Syria feature I said I don’t know what’s going to come from talks with Iran or Syria, but I know what doesn’t work, namely, a land war in a nearby unrelated country, aka the Republican Model.

So, again, I would like to take the time to thank them. If I’m not sure which policy is clearly wrong, they have been like a bright star in the night sky. While perusing the net and pondering this or that, I will often look up at said star and then turn that F-ing ship around.

Foxeteers seem the least capable of comprehending any given problem, yet they remain the most certain of the solution. They all parrot the same ridiculous premise as transmitted though their echo chamber of the absurd and, voila, a government shutdown. The Onion nailed it this week:

Man Who Understands 8% Of Obamacare Vigorously Defends It From Man Who Understands 5%.

That captures the essence of this entire healthcare debate. Obamacare is an unknown. The results of a republican caused government shutdown is known. It could be catastrophic. Obamacare might be bureaucratic. Oh the horror! Let’s destroy the world instead, quickly! Republicans will always choose the greater of two evils. Hey, let’s project all of our imaginary fears onto this healthcare expansion that we don’t quite understand. Or, my spoof here.

Dear Mr. Obama,

No negotiating with Teabaggerists!  If this country ends, let it go down as a democracy.


Mick Zano

P.S. That’s not anthrax on the letter, sir, I baked you a sugar cake. Don’t tell Michelle.

Delusional folks need to be treated as such, with anti-psychotic medications. Perhaps we can start by adding Risperdal to the square states’ water systems. Kidding! Fixed delusions can’t be treated with medications, let’s just build that wall.

“That one in the spotlight, he don’t look right to me! Get him up against the Wall.”

—Pink Floyd

Would a global collapse be worth it if it permanently takes down the batshit base of Republican Party? No, and reforming these dolts seems impossible. These people aren’t going anywhere.  It’s too late. This country is F-d. No matter what havoc the GOP causes, it’s not like they’re ever going to understand the consequences of their actions.

“Sure we didn’t follow the laws of the land, but why didn’t Obama listen?”

—John Q. Republican

Take, for instance, when republicans recently gutted our food stamp program. Many of the impoverished will simply increase their drug sales, or theft, or find some other illegal activity to stay afloat. They don’t just starve and die quietly, aka the republican model. This is the same thing. What would republican reform look like? More Ted Cruz’s. More Michele Bachmann’s? These folks completely broke from reality a long time ago and they’re not coming back. If you haven’t escaped yet, I’m afraid you will remain in this propaganda-created-bubble-of-non-reality for the rest of your political lives. Hundreds of millions of republicans are not going just wake up tomorrow and say:

“Wow, blocking Obamacare blew up our economy again. Holy shit! Was that really worth it? I don’t really even understand Obamacare. Let’s just take a deep breath and think about what we did.”

—said no republican ever

Our only hope is to keep pounding them on every issue, every dumb policy, every delusional congressman’s rant. Sadly, I don’t have much hope at this point. We need to teach these stories in our classrooms so that the next generation needn’t step into this land called Never Ever Right.

“Every time you say you don’t believe in Obamacare, a fairy dies.”

—Peter Progressive

And he was just trying to get his HIV medication, jerks!

Just remember where you heard all this shit first…yeah, a spoof news site.  If that isn’t an indication of how screwed we are, I don’t know what is. Just before I sent this editorward, I came across this must read Mathew Yglesias Slate post. The article is on a famous Yale political scientist, who predicts:

“The current atmosphere of political crisis isn’t a passing fad and it isn’t going to get better. In fact, it’s very likely to get worse. Much worse. And lead to a complete breakdown of constitutional government and the democratic order.”

—Juan Linz

Yeah, this guy must read Zano. I didn’t go to Yale but I’m so close to my GED I can smell it. Sometimes I feel like Woody Harrelson in that camper in that poncho in that movie…you know, when he accurately predicted the events of 2012—except this is 2013 and the super volcano is really a bunch of brain dead republicans who are all ready to blow up the world simply because they no longer understand it.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.