Xanax Trees Are Popping Up In Break Rooms Across Corporate America

Stress is a growing workplace problem these days and, with opioids getting such a a bad rap lately, why not treat your employees to some anxiety-reducing magic? Why get a candy bar on break, when you can get a Xannie bar! Benzodiazepines are wonderful at helping workers cope with their boss, their coworkers, and provides them the piece of mind to not worry about not meeting important deadlines. Executives are excited that coworkers are getting along better and instances of grievances and complaints are dropping along with their blood pressure.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, said, “You just need to find the right combination of caffeine and benzodiazepines and you will never have a more relaxed, yet productive team. On a steady stream of benzos, The Discord bozos are much easier to deal with. They’re much less of a hassle and I’m pleased to announce the barrage of bar tabs submitted as ‘work expenses’ have greatly reduced. Alex Bone is no longer chopping up valuable office furniture for firewood and Tony Ballz doesn’t play punk rock all day over the intercom. He just sits at his desk and drools. It’s magic!”

Once you start this important corporate lubricant, you’ll wonder how your office ever got along without them. And, for those advanced Xannie tree aficionados, you can climb under your desk for the Full Costanza Effect! Can’t think of an ice breaker during new employee orientation? Break out the Xanax Tree and watch your newbies immediately oversharing their deepest intimate secrets.

Qualified pharmacy techs will come to your office to refill your Xanax Trees on a schedule that best meets your work force’s needs. Just look for the white nondescript van parked in the alley.

Xanax Trees can be dangerous to wean off of so Big Pharma and Big Brother recommend you just keep taking them. Results may vary. Void where prohibited. Consult your physician immediately if you stop breathing. Mixing benzos with alcohol or other sedatives can be even more fun. But Don’t taunt Happy Fun Ball.

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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