E*Trade Baby Attacked by Wall Street Protestors!

E*Trade Baby Attacked by Wall Street Protestors!

New York, NY—The Occupy Wall Street protests turned ugly earlier today, as the E*Trade baby was jumped and pummeled on the corner of Wall and Nassau Street in the heart of New York’s financial district.  Protestors immediately recognized the commercial celebrity and then managed to separate him from his pre-k reunion before ruthlessly working him over.

NYPD was able to intervene, but not before the baby suffered numerous bruises and possible shaken baby syndrome.

“Yeah, well you should see the other guy,” joked the baby to the press today. “I told the schmucks, I said, ‘hey, I’m toddling here!’”

On behalf of the City of New York, Mayor Bloomberg apologized for the incident, “This is not what the Big Apple is all about.  Well maybe…but not with diaper-clad toddlers!”

“I was just heading over to the Capital Grille with a colleague for the pureed beef carpaccio and these goons surround us,” said the baby.  “I’m like, look, dipshits, I do my transactions back home with a full back load, if you follow.  E*Trade is all about, umm, E*Trading!  I tell ya, these dumb hippies need to get their movement straight.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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