Toyota or Christine the Next Generation?

Demon-spawn Toyota Corolla
Pierce Winslow

Since 1999 more than 2000 Toyota and Lexus owners have reported that their vehicles spontaneously began accelerating out of control, resulting in 19 deaths in 815 crashes, numerous injuries, and millions of dollars in property damage. The Toyota Motor Sales Company has blamed these incidents on everything from faulty floor mats to sticky gas pedals. However, the CTS Corp. of Elkhart, IN, manufacturer of the gas pedals, reports that none of the crashes have been linked to their product, a claim supported by the fact that these pedals weren’t used by Toyota until 2005. So what is going on here, aside from one of the greatest up-ass smoke-blows of all time?

Many industry experts have accused Toyota of feeding the American public a red-herring and of covering up the truth. They blame a hereto unannounced flaw in the electronic, drive-by-wire throttle systems in the modern Toyota automobile.  The Daily Discord has uncovered evidence that the not-so-recent rash of runaway Toyotas is not linked to defective floor mats, sticking accelerators, nor any bug in any software, but rather something much more demonic.

In 1983, the documentary Christine detailed the rise and fall of the possessed 1958 Plymouth Fury responsible for the deaths of many dick-headed teenaged bullies, as well as hot chicks, school personnel, and innocent bystanders (not unlike a typical Ghetto Shaman retreat). In the end, good won out when Christine was turned into a cube and crushed. However, we were all witness to foreshadowing of the return of that rampant roadster by that still-twitching piece of chrome trim. What they didn’t show us is what happened to Satan’s scrap as the cameras faded to black.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath followed a paper trail leading from the wrecking yard where Christine was cubed to the foundries of the Toyota Jidōsha Kabushiki-gaisha Corporation, known more commonly as Toyota. Apparently the Japanese, not to be outdone by the Chinese warm-war against the US, has devised its own plan to quietly eradicate the American citizenry. Instead of manufacturing toys with lead paint, drywall impregnated with mold, tainted vegetables, or buying our country one bond at a time, the Japanese government, in cooperation with Toyota Motor Sales USA, have devised a more devious and direct approach. They have designed their vehicles to be not just gas-electric hybrids, but paranormally engineered auto-demonic hybrids (PEADH).

Reports indicate that the still twitching block of steel, the last remnant of the now infamous Christine, was melted and diluted into thousands of tons of Japanese steel, all, coincidentally, purchased by Toyota Motor Sales, USA. This steel was slipped into production lines at Toyota’s US foundries years later, once the company had solidly established itself as the most trusted, and leader in US auto sales. The result: roads overrun with cars trying to run us over.

It is estimated that Toyota has released some 4 million of these crazed cars into the general population. Why are they doing this? Is it backlash from not removing our army bases? Are they still pissed about that whole atomic bomb, generations of birth defects thing? Have they just been driven mad by having their cities destroyed by Godzilla so many times? And how do we deal with this situation? It is thought that the only way to counter the effects of Lucifer’s low-rider is to re-dilute the possessed pig-iron with an amalgam of Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, Herby the Love Bug, and the Partridge Family bus. However, herding together four million of Hell’s hatchbacks for a massive meltdown may prove to be problematic. In the mean time, the next time you hear “We Belong Together” from behind you, in scratchy mono and bad AM, run for the hills.

Good night and good luck.

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Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.