Philadelphia, PA—When I post stuff I usually just make fun of stupid people, like Zano. But here’s a unique opportunity to get all political and make fun of stupid people in one post. In case you‘ve been living on Mars, Donald Trump is leading the GOP polls by a near-record margin. The man is obviously pandering. I’m talking about Trump, not Zano…this time. He will say anything and everything just to appeal to “real Americans”. What kills me is that so many people actually believe him. Notice how he always speaks in generalities? “Oh, you don’t want to know what I would do to the terrorists.” Really? I think I do. That’s why I asked the question. Come on Don, what are ya gonna do? Are you going to shift to the middle?
I find myself asking how this ass-clown could possibly be that popular. How can anyone take him seriously? I have gravely underestimated the moronity level of the Republican electorate, which is no easy trick. To me, Trump is more of a novelty candidate like The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim or The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. But is there more to this story?
Let’s take a look at Donald Trump’s 19 Point Plan to Make America the Best (borrowed from here), complete with commentary:
- Sell junk to Saudi Arabia, since the goods we send them are blown up anyway. Huh?
- Repeal Obamacare and replace it with something that benefits everybody. Like what? Your Single Payer plan? That sounds even more socialist than Obama and Bernie at a hippy commune. People don’t like socialism, remember? We want a smaller government than the size of your frontal lobes, remember?
- “Turn off that spigot” of sending money to China (in the form of debt payments) by taxing them until they behave properly. So, we’re going to default on our debts? …thereby collapsing the world economy? …and yet somehow tax the Chinese, on what, the money we borrow from them? I suppose we could just declare bankruptcy, which worked out so well for you the last four times. Keep in mind bankruptcy is a liberal policy.
- Renegotiate our foreign trade deals. How exactly? They’re signed treaties. You think the partners are going to just re-negotiate because ol’ Floppy Hair says you’re fired? This isn’t a reality show. In fact, this is about as far from reality as one can get.
- Call up the head of the Ford Motor Company and tell them they are going to be taxed at 35% for every car coming from Mexico until they decide to nix their plant in Mexico City. And this will pass the house, the senate and the Supreme Court? And if you do manage to get it to pass, then Ford will move the factory to China and you’ll have to start over. How much is this game of Whack-a-Factory going to cost? And if you do somehow make it work, what’s that going to do to the cost of American goods and our position in the world market?
- End President Barack Obama’s executive actions on immigration. Well, there’s something you could actually do.
- End border crossings from Mexico because some of those border-crossers are “rapists”. Uh huh, go on…
- To do that, build a “great, great wall” on the U.S.-Mexico border. We’re already doing that, but go on…
- Have Mexico pay for that wall. Riiight. I’m sure the Mexican government will be happy to pony up for your wall. Just send them a bill. And I’m sure they’ll be willing to staff it for free, too. They could just shoot anyone that tries to escape the poverty of Mexico. We could call it The Tijuana Wall. Has Brillo Brain considered the logistics of deporting 11.5 million Mexicans, or the cost, which is an estimated $400 billion over 20 years? First you have to round them up, so you’re going to need storm troopers. Then you’re going to need a place to keep them while you arrange transportation. We can build camps to put them in, and maybe put them to work while they wait. And how do you most efficiently move 11.5 million people? Well, box-car trains of course. Is any of this sounding familiar?
- Don’t appoint a secretary of state who rides bikes and breaks his leg. Huh?
- Avoid riding bikes himself. It’s obvious you already do.
- Work hard on the Islamic State problem. Yeah, that Islamic State problem. That’s kinda like Hezbollah or Hamas or something, isn’t it? I’m sure you’ll figure it out when you need to.
- Stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. Again, how? By negotiation or invasion? We tried negotiation and it worked. But, invasion is so much more gratifying, right?
- Find the General Patton or General MacArthur from within the U.S. armed forces to “make it really work” in the Middle East. Non-sequitur, no military action will work in the Middle East. See: the last couple of thousand years of history. They hate each other. They have always hated each other and will continue to hate each other. Nothing we do will stop them from in-fighting. Even God tried to fix it by planting the Christ-Child in Israel. See how well that worked out?
- Rebuild the country’s infrastructure: “nobody can do that like me”. And do it for free too, I’m sure.
- Create jobs: “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.” Right, like all of those casino jobs you’re creating in Atlantic City? The “ending abruptly en masse” kind? Or maybe the, “I’m going to crush the economy in a number of ways so there are no more jobs” kind.
- Save Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security “without cuts”. Ah, increased benefits for free again, sound economic principle based on ether.
- Protect the Second Amendment. What are you talking about? That is the only thing on this fucking planet that is not in danger. It’s protected by AKs straight from the Chinese. Sorry that I cannot comment on the last mass shooting that occurred in this country, but it takes several seconds for this to actually post.
- Take the brand of the United States “and make it great again.” By rounding up and evicting the Mexicans, reneging on our foreign debts, reneging on our signed international treaties, and invading several countries. That’s definitely the way to win friends and influence people.
“If I’m elected I’m going to bring back Christmas.”
Wow, I didn’t realize it had gone anywhere. I looked at my calendar and, yep, it’s still there. My children certainly haven’t lost sight of it. I don’t remember any executive orders being handed down banning the discussion of Christmas. I thought the whole “Happy Holidays” thing was just society’s generic solution to the fact that there are dozens of holidays centered around the winter solstice. Have a slammin’ Saturnalia! No one ever gets that one, even Ronald Pagan. And just how would Trump “bring back Christmas” anyway? I guess he would ban all the other winter holidays. Christianity uber alles!
Donald Trump is playing to the hot-button topics of the day. He’s using half truths and impossible promises to grow his poll numbers. Kidding, only .5 percent of republicans know what half means. This anti-fact shit may work in the primaries but I can’t imagine Trump being electable in the general election. Of course, that’s what I thought about W, twice. After all the population is getting stupider.
Trump and the rest of Republican party has pissed off the minorities, which are no longer so minor. But you can cannot win an election on white bread alone. Wonder why? He’s chased off most blacks, Latinos and women. He was even booed by the Republican Jewish Coalition. So who’s left? By creating these stricter voting laws they are really minoritizing the minorities. I’ll use any excuse to link to this clip (I had it watch it again, just now), besides the fact it’s relevant and accurate.
So how can Herr Trump possibly think he’ll garner the female vote? And how does he think he can win without it? My abacus doesn’t go high enough to count the sexist remarks and implications he’s made. Not Zano, I’m still talking about Trump. And what about all of that catty shit with Rosey O’Donnell and Megyn Kelly? Women represent 61% of the voting public. Although chicks seem to go for that catty shit so who knows? I’d say that a guy who says that the best position for a woman in a boardroom is “on her knees” (true story) has totally blown that demographic.
All of that said, I believe that Trump is more than a novelty candidate. I believe that he is a Democratic plant. I’m not talking about Mary Jane, I ruled that out with exhaustive study *cough* *cough*. Throughout Trump’s history, most of his campaign money has gone to the Democratic Party, that is until five years ago. Still, I believe he’s a smart guy, despite the obvious evidence to the contrary. He can’t possibly think that pissing off huge segments of the electorate could win him an election (See: Bush Sr.). I think he’s a red herring…or an orange hairing. He has managed to throw the GOP into an even higher state of chaos than they already were. Jeb is no longer relevant as are as the rest of the Teabag Taliban. He has also made a victory in the general election nearly impossible for himself. This is not a problem if he has no intention of actually winning. The result: an almost guaranteed win by any spirochete the Democrats nominate (Hillary leads him in every major poll except Fox News’, but they make shit up). But, again, I thought the same thing about W, twice.
The flipside is a bit more disturbing. He’s using a total pandering barrage to get the zealous support of a population tired of the grid-locked government, the influence of foreign interests and the success of ISIS globally. He’s breeding even more fanatical nationalism by milking xenophobia, racism and religious bigotry. Sorry, but that’s The Discord’s job. One would think that in an enlightened society his approach would fall flat, but it worked remarkably well in Germany in the 1930s. One can’t deny how The Donald is gaining traction. While Adolf Hitler lost the election, he became an appointed Chancellor (essentially VP) due to he and his party’s popularity. He then succeeded President Paul von Hindenburg when he died in ‘34. You all should remember what followed: many of Trump’s campaign promises came to fruition: state-dictated religion, ethnic cleansing, and global war on a scale never seen before or since. At least they all said “Merry Christmas” while goose-stepping into Warsaw.
So to The Donald I say, “Party on Dude,” as long as the Democratic President doesn’t appoint you Chancellor. I know a dictator when I see one…all kidding Assad.