Tweet Tower—President Trump is rolling back his earlier statements to Defense Secretary General James Mattis. A White House staffer suggests the president ‘floated the idea’ of purposely botching a mission, so he could write a better condolences speech for the families of the fallen. President Trump said, “I know how to make the best condolence speech, and I just want to try it out so people will just shut up and let me start another war. Do you have any idea the bump in polls I’d get if I get us into another war? Me neither, but it’s worth a shot, lots of shots. Brings new meaning to the words you’re fired!”
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump told the press today that he will get to the bottom of his administration’s latest mix-up. Soon after the president made the announcement he would be releasing the CIA’s secret JFK files, a staffer accessed the National Archives and released the as yet undisclosed assassination files of Colonel Sanders of KFC fame. Not only did they release this controversial footage without the franchise’s permission, but the information also included all 11 herbs and spices, as well as the top secret preparation tips for the Colonel’s famous chicken recipe.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25th Amendment as a means to end ass-clown’s reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trump’s Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, “The President is going to get through this.Thus far he is only lashing out at Iran, North Korea, the Mayor of Puerto Rico, and the poor seeking healthcare. Fine! He’s locked himself in a bathroom again, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but there are dozens of them in this place.”
Tweet Tower—President Trump was all smiles today as he unveiled the three potential prototypes for his Great Wall of Stupid. The President told the press, “I call the one that looks like an old Bavarian-style castle, Wall Disney. It’s amazing! Amazing! But I really love the yuuge gold wall design, because, as Ivanka tells me, it will match all regions of the southwest, any season. If we choose that one, I’m using the same folks who installed my golden thrown over at Trump Tower. Great people. The third choice doesn’t look as pretty, but it’s a structure patterned after the wall on Skull Island, the one that kept out King Kong. So it’s bigly durable. I’m really in love with all of them and I look forward to the final selection and then the construction of said wall, by liberals, who will be forced to build this monstrosity. And the Mexicans will be paying for the liberals who will be building the wall …on weekends.”
Puerto Rico—Texans responded so well to the aftermath of hurricane Harvey that the White House is dispatching the same gutsy boat owners to deal with the impact of hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. President Trump told the press today that Houston residents are prepared to make the nearly 2,000 nautical-mile journey to the island of Puerto Rico in an effort to save lives. John Miller of Houston said, “We know this is a longer trip, but we also know we’re the only people up to the task. Granted, we’ll have to go through the Bermuda Triangle to get there, but we’ll all be packing heat. So if any of those aliens try something funny—and you know what I mean—we’ll teach ’em a thing or two about our Second Amendment rights. It might not be aliens, because I listen to Coast to Coast AM, but we’ll also be ready for sea monsters, vortexes, bigfoot, or whatever anomalous phenomenon is occurring in that region of the ocean. We are Texans, so by definition we got this shit.”
Puerto Rico—After hurricane Maria ravaged the island of Puerto Rico last week, Donald Trump attempted to survey the damage done by the category-4 storm. Unfortunately his HHS Secretary, Tom Price, had already booked Air Force One for a foliage festival in New Hampshire that same weekend. Despite the travel setback, the President remained determined to do “something for the people of Puerto Rico.” Knowing he would not get any kind of a hurricane relief bill through his existing congress, the President resolved to drop tens of thousands of Trump University degrees from helicopters. “They are all just honorary degrees,” said Trump, “but they do afford the recipients all the same honors. Sadly.”
The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owe us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”
While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the Republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO2 levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.
Tweet Tower—President Ass-Clown Hitler energized a group of Trump supporters today at a rally in Backwash, MS. The Donald performed a mime act his own tweets describe as epic, historic, and bigly mimely. He did an impersonation of ‘man trapped in White House’, ‘man juggling numerous lies’, and for his big finale he wowed the crowd with ‘man climbing away from stench of own comments.’