Tweet Tower—The Trump camp is downplaying the sudden trial and execution of former FBI-Director Robert Mueller, which occurred while the president and his family were dining at his Mar-A-Lago resort yesterday. The president refused to speak on the matter, but he did mention that the meal was wonderful and for dessert they had “the best cheesecake!” Ever since Mueller’s appointment as the special counsel for the investigation into Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia, the president has been ramping up his complaints with the former FBI Director. “He was a douche,” said Trump. “So my lawyers suggested we employ a couple of my old friends from Atlantic City, Mr. Tiny and Mr. Knuckles.”
Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”
New Detroit 2019—The jobs report numbers are in and the president was all smiles today at CyberSoylent Bionics Tech. Many are blaming the President’s statistical confusion on his ongoing struggle with numbers and their meaning. One of the agency’s spokespods thanked Trump for not only putting “robots first”, but actually preferring them to people. At a press conference The White House correspondbot said, “Donald Trump has technically fulfilled a campaign promise to bring back manufacturing jobs. No further questions. Locking targeting system on four liberal reporters with their hands up. Please lower your hands and vacate the premises. Thank you, citizens!” (rapid gun fire, followed by inaudible screams.)
Agrabah—In preparation of his first big boy fieldtrip to the Middle East, President Trump directed his staffers “to find a way to keep me motivated and comfortable in Agrabah and Ishtar, and all the rest of the weird scary places they’re sending me next week.” The staffers thought to themselves, what does Trump really need for this trip, besides his ‘woobie’? The answer was obvious, endless mindless adulation (EMA). Team Trump then contracted with the owners of Kidz Bop to create a supportive Trump-friendly rally compilation. Not only did Kidz Bop take the job, they were convinced a series of editions could help the president through any number of the challenges ahead, not the least of which being his pending impeachment proceedings. They are even making an edition for Press Secretary Sean Spicer, complete with Buddhist chants covers, tantric relaxation ditties, and all the songs are interlaced with the sound his dog makes when he goes home and kicks it.
Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”
Tweet Tower—Scientists are questioning the large amounts of energy currently emanating from Trump Tower. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, told the discord today, “Profound amounts of energy are there and then gone again, as if a door is opening and then closing again. That’s when it hit me, he’s building a Stargate to avoid the pending impeachment proceedings!” When asked if there is any other evidence for a Trump Tower Stargate, Dr. Hogbein cited SG1 season 1: ep 3 and all of season 4. He also referenced the above Daily Discord image, depicting President Trump gazing into a time portal. The Daily Discord Photoshopper was unavailable for comment.