Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.
Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?
Tweet Tower—White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly is walking back an earlier statement about his commitment to stay on the job until the end of Trump’s first term. The retired Marine Corp general claims, “When I said I would stay on as Chief of Staff until 2020, I meant the ABC television show 20/20. A common mistake. Last week there was a great show on the Thailand cave rescue and I was thinking about that when the president asked me about staying on, and, well, I’m pretty sure I can stay until the next 20/20, which airs this Monday. I take pills now.”
Tweet Tower—In a chain of events that many are calling suspicious, Trump’s Helsinki interpreter, Marina Gross, ‘fell’ from an eight story building earlier today and landed on porn star Stormy Daniels. The two women suffered only minor injuries as both of Stormy’s breasts were deployed at the time of impact. The interpreter is now conscious and recovering at Stormybroke Hospital. When the interpreter was asked whether or not she was pushed from the building, she replied, “тебя столкнули со здания?”, which we are being told means: ‘Were you pushed from the building?’ in Russian. The rest of the interview proved to be equally as futile.
It’s nice to see the president get a break from this whole Russia collusion thing, so he can collude with Russia. President Donald J Trump alone in a room with a former KGB agent? What a disgrace. Maybe we will find out the truth about today’s summit someday …from the Kremlin. But, hey, at least Trump’s latest tweet barrage made me laugh. One day soon these tweets will be translated as: Why didn’t Obama stop my collusion? It happened under his watch?! Thanks Obama, I thought this was America! #SomeCollusion. Watching the last 72-hours of the Mueller machinations vs our counter-reality has reached Theater of the Bizarre levels of absurdity. Hippogroan? Oh, and this morning I caught five minutes of Neil Cavuto on Fox. Wow, talk about starting your day off far right… I am soooo done with this shit, and you should be too.
Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.
*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).
Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?
Palm Beach, Fla—As Special Counsel Robert Mueller is ramping up his activities in an effort to conclude his Russia investigation, President Trump is responding in kind. The president was seen pushing a cart full of pardons in a Sam’s Club in Palm Beach, only several miles from his Mar-a-Lago resort. Many Republicans, including the vice president, are supportive of Trump’s actions, and call the move “a necessary endeavor to protect real Americans from some fake FBI agents.”
Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”
Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!