Islamisbad, Fudgepackican – The Daily Discord is not going to take this recent threat against a beer drinking tradition lying down (passed out, maybe). The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is leading the charge against Al-Qaeda operatives.
“These gravy sucking pigs have gone too far,” states Winslow. “Knock down some buildings, sure; blow up some daycare centers, fine; but you mess with my favorite adult beverage and you can kiss your tribal-jihadist-assess goodbye.”
Winslow believes his own bar-crawling bombers will give Al Qaeda a taste of their own medicine.
“Only this medicine is fermented,” states Winslow. “We plan to use a little luck of the Irish to defend our German allies. The car bombs, complete with Guinness, Bailey’s, and Jameson’s Irish whiskey, should not only transform Islam as we know it, but…well, that’s actually good enough.”
Pierce Winslow, perhaps the most staunch supporter of large warm German beers has recruited 70% of the Daily Discord staff (n = 7) to the war effort.
“Recruitment was easy,” claims Winslow, “because the Daily Discord staffers are desperate to cover the Oktoberfest festivities in Germany. Besides, Isupplied the car bombs.”
A plan is in place wherein, if Al-Qaeda does ANYTHING to disrupt the flowage of beer during Oktoberfest, our own counterattack Operation Jihop will ensue. Seven Daily Discord brewicide bombers, armed with car bombs hidden in their beer belly cavities, will descend on several of Al-Qaeda’s undisclosed locations. Videotape of the last Discord brewhaha has already been broadcast on Al JaBeera, which has sufficiently struck beer in the farts of men. To entice more recruits, Winslow has promised each brewicide bomber 72 dry-gins in the after hours. This means WAARRRR!