Tweet Tower—President Trump’s actions in his waning days in office demand his immediate removal and yet somehow the instructions, that should be clearly laid out in the US Constitution, have arrived via Amazon from the Netherlands with some assembly required. Congress is working feverishly to remedy the situation as the fate of our republic hangs in the balance. Amazon is tracking the package of the actual amendment itself, as the instructions seem to have arrived separately. During a press conference, Jeff Bezos admits the package was mistakenly sent to Outer Mongolia but that it is currently being safely sherpa’d to a small town in the Himalayas by a Yeti. Elon Musk has offered to have the package and the Yeti rocketed back to the US, and that Asian physicist with the white hair has offered to help with the assembly of the 25th Amendment, if and when it arrives safely. Thus far Congress remains unsure how to proceed during this anxious waiting period and is flirting with the idea of invoking the: “Hey, do you mind just wandering off quietly” clause.
The Biden-Harris Administration has leaked its plan to move swiftly toward a more socialized democracy. In the coming weeks, all MAGA members will be required to report to reprogramming pods for immediate social assimilation. This will be done by name and region and will coincide with a mandatory Covid vaccination (rectal). At that time your gas-guzzling vehicle will be traded out for an electric car, which is about the size of your recliner. You do get to pick the color, because freedom. Your guns will be collected at that time as well, but they will be upgraded to fully loaded semi-automatic, affirmation guns. These will shoot unlimited rounds of positive affirmations up to twenty feet (with the volume up), and all weapons come with a rapid-glitter-firing-feature. You get to choose the color of the glitter as well, because freedom.
I’m aware the Spygate nonsense is among the least read articles on my blog, but it’s nevertheless important to identify how republicans operate and the associated dangers of allowing their lies to go unchallenged. Yes, Poke, a factoid blown out of proportion is a form of a lie, especially when these factoids are used to generate wild conspiracies as a means to distract the American public from sedition. Following this simple strategy, they can and will effectively tear down our republic. And they’ll do this willingly to aid and abet a known felon, work steadily against their own interests, while taking the word of a political party that has yet to get a scandal right, at least historically speaking. But this time’s gonna be different! No. No it’s not. It’s zenwrongness, or forever being wrong in the moment. And they will hold us all hostage until the last one of their fool inquiries are all answered to their satisfaction, which is impossible when it’s forever garbage in, garbage out. This has been a key prediction of mine for many years. Take Benghazi, no really, take it. Countless ongoing investigations, never-ending questions, nothing relevant to the initial inquiry ever surfaces yet they keep doubling down on their dipshit. It’s just one whopping MAGA-mega-audit fracturing into ever deeper labyrinthine layers of QDroppings and Foxal matter. The rabid hole. As for Spygate, my friend does not feel Crossfire Hurricane, or Razor, or even the investigation into Russian interference itself was properly predicated—all have zero merit. My friend somehow knows more than the Feds, the judges involved, a couple of AGs, our congressional intel committees, and all three special counsels combined. He must have had his Wheaties this morning. I just hope they weren’t laced.
Spygate is back, kids, or how the Feds illegally spied on The Donald just for fun. My friend is sending me link after link and a clearer picture is emerging, but I don’t understand why he keeps casting me in the role of spook defender. He ignores how I protested the broad tools handed to our intelligence community in the aftermath of 9/11, predicted Fed screwups, and approve of any agents frying for these aforementioned screwups. Also, I am not, nor have I ever been against these investigations. I am keenly aware that our intelligence community has been rogue, well, ever since republicans encouraged and enabled all their rogueness. The bigger problem is this scandal’s main premise. I mean, who would willingly listen to Donald Trump if they didn’t have to? He’s probably the only one the NSA is like: Naaah, that chick in 13A is having sex again. My friend’s prevailing argument, the bullshit part, is how this spying was politically motivated. There are serious breaches here, but the prime republican directive is that they land on the doorstep of either Joe, Hillary, or Barack. And until then they will leave no Stone verdict overturned. That’s their white whale, a liberal bogeyman, a theory I predicted would never pan out. The actual Trump situation is not unlike that of the gangster, Al Capone. Back in the day, the Feds could only nab him on tax evasion. Granted, it’s not the best example: whereas Capone developed a program during the Great Depression that provided milk deliveries to his fellow Chicagoans, Trump would have detained the milk trucks until his picture was added to each carton. I would actually support Trump on this one but only because it would also imply he was missing.
Tweet Tower—President Trump further tested his pardon power today, presumably in preparation for himself and his family, by pardoning disgraced Jedi Knight, Anakin Skywalker. The Jedi High Council found Skywalker guilty of a genocidal rampage that ended the lives of an entire settlement of Sand People on the planet Tatooine in the aftermath of the unfortunate death of his mother.
Let’s take a look at how republicans continue to handle the scandal, so to speak while weaponizing ignorance. If we’re going to survive we need to crack this GOP code, because they’re on some serious crack. A rightwing conspiracy typically starts with a totally baseless origin myth. After several inquiries, these tend to morph into an unrelated factoid, a tiny truthiness morsel that surfaces during their endless inquiries. The findings of this are then exaggerated and spun and then transmitted directly into the core of the republican brain. These origin myths are usually hatched as a distraction during an uncomfortable news cycle to coverup actual wrongdoing. This Foxal matter is then watered each day by Sinclair radio and Fox & Friends until it becomes a series of growing revelations that, like a reverse mortgage, eventually leaves you out in the cold. Is there any exception? Will there ever be? Let’s take another look at good old Hunter Biden.
Conservative Americans feel slighted and forever persecuted and with good reason, they are. Most Americans are over their whole if-you-don’t-like-the-results-flip-over-the-graph line of reasoning. They’re not going to stop peddling their conspiracy theories anytime soon or, more accurately, ever. The right has a threefold approach to making their Fantasy Island become a new reality for us all. First, abandon existing journalism outright. If anyone was still wondering, this phase is complete. Second, find a social media platform that’s, how should I say it? …think post-lobotomy Walter Mitty. Then, for the pizza-gate de resistance, you just have to create a news network that will make Fox seem, well, fair and balanced. As for this dark web I’m forced to live vicariously through my blogvesary, who’s up to his old Parler tricks.
*The headline is Roman for ‘out of the many, dumb.’ I think.