Tweet Tower—President Trump is rolling back his earlier statements to Defense Secretary General James Mattis. A White House staffer suggests the president ‘floated the idea’ of purposely botching a mission, so he could write a better condolences speech for the families of the fallen. President Trump said, “I know how to make the best condolence speech, and I just want to try it out so people will just shut up and let me start another war. Do you have any idea the bump in polls I’d get if I get us into another war? Me neither, but it’s worth a shot, lots of shots. Brings new meaning to the words you’re fired!”
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump told the press today that he will get to the bottom of his administration’s latest mix-up. Soon after the president made the announcement he would be releasing the CIA’s secret JFK files, a staffer accessed the National Archives and released the as yet undisclosed assassination files of Colonel Sanders of KFC fame. Not only did they release this controversial footage without the franchise’s permission, but the information also included all 11 herbs and spices, as well as the top secret preparation tips for the Colonel’s famous chicken recipe.
Tweet Tower—President Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, “Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power. I think that’s something both sides of the aisle can really duck behind. I see a shining beacon on a hill, it’s a military research base powered by solar energy. I see another light on the horizon! Oh, shit …head to the bunkers.”
Cogan Station, PA—Congressman Tom Marino (R-Pa) is back at the top of the list to become America’s next drug czar. Marino had stepped down from consideration, briefly, after allegations of accepting kickbacks from Big Pharma surfaced and concern rose that his signature legislation has helped funnel painkillers into rural America. Today, Marino vows to crackdown on opiod use across the country, while still accepting kickbacks from the same drug companies. “It’s win, win,” said Marino. “For me.”
Fortress of Solitude—Earlier today Superman was shocked to find a tribe of Eskimos squatting in his secret fortress deep in the frozen north. The Man of Steel said he could “just spit nails” after the discovery, but then clarified, “No really, I can spit nails now. It’s something I do when I’m bored.” The Eskimos are citing squatters rights and some obscure reverse-imminent-domain law as grounds for remaining in the structure. The tribe reportedly moved into the ice mansion soon after the onset of the filming of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25th Amendment as a means to end ass-clown’s reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trump’s Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, “The President is going to get through this.Thus far he is only lashing out at Iran, North Korea, the Mayor of Puerto Rico, and the poor seeking healthcare. Fine! He’s locked himself in a bathroom again, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but there are dozens of them in this place.”
Holywoody—Harvey Weinstein’s name is being dragged through the mud, and rightly so, but a Hollywood sleaze-ball just doesn’t carry the same weight as Pro-Life Congressman Canned After Urging Mistress To Go ‘Choice’ Herself. Now that’s comedy! As for the Breitfarts of the world, it’s just another false equivalency story. Senator Scheister’s antics always gets brushed aside, so the rightwing can stay focused on every misbehaving liberal in the world. Shouldn’t we be more focused on the height of hypocrisy, aka Republicans? It’s always some sitting congressman, trashing LGBTQ rights by day and hangin’ out at the truck stop restroom by night. Conservatives are the reaction-formation party. “I hate those gay guys, gays are horrible, I see that smut everyday, I’m watching it now …God, that guy’s hot.” It’s always the crusader, who secretly desires what he’s railing against. News Flash: Dear Republicans, you are not the “live and let live” people, you are the “family value warriors” who will eventually be busted downtown at the brothel, in diapers. Look no further than your toddler-in-chief, whose antics will trickle-down soon enough, but not the way you think. But more on that bladder *cough*, later.
Earth—Despite the higher number of extreme meteorological events in the early 21st century, the Meteorological Endeavor Statistical Society (MESS) has forecasted an unprecedented period of normal temperatures and glorious beach weather. If climate change is a hoax than at least one group of experts is forecasting many decades of a high-pressure system that will envelop the whole planet for a long time. This extended dry spell should balance out existing weather-induced model-patterns (WIMPs). Storm Dank of AchooWeather said, “It’s actually only 99 years of great weather, so if you’re born today you might want to plan your 100th birthday indoors somewhere.”
A Republican friend of mine recently said, “We don’t need some longitudinal study to figure out a course of action, we just need basic common sense.” We need both, of course, but the Republican viewpoint rarely correlates with either. The right seems content to defy both science and practicality at each and every turn. To channel some Shakespeare, Republicans are as constant as the northern star …which I’m being told has also been dimming over the years. Beyond their endless barrage of anecdotal drivel, which equates to some form of Liberal Teacher Gives Unpatriotic Assignment!, or Illegal Beats Up Old Lady! there’s hardly a scrap of evidence to support their position on anything, domestic, foreign or otherwise. This won’t stop the ethos moles from continuing to Drudge-up contradictory factoids to sustain the Foxeteers’ fixed delusions. Op-eds of the masses? No one wants to be wrong, let alone about everything, yet here you people are …legislating all over yourselves. You’re not only totally screwing the Mooch, but you’ve moved the whole kennel right into the master suite of the White House. On that note, please stop Trumping my leg. Let’s review the short, tumultuous reign of President Drumpf.