Sheriff Joe & the Arpiao Fascists set to kick off the festivities at 6, and set to kick some immigrants by 7.
Many have asked, why do republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their BS. You know, that 1 dentist in 10 who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist! The result? Republicans have become the Cliff Clavin’s of human knowledge—a smatterings of truthiness, mixed with a hodgepodge of fecal mutter. Regardless of the subject, our republican friends seem ready to subsume the role of the professional. Have you noticed? In this way they can perpetuate their methane-based system of information, the breadth and scope of which… wait, I’m being told their against Scope too. Have all their wisdom teeth been extracted? Essentially republicans no longer represent an opposing view to liberalism, but to reality itself. Regardless of the subject matter, today’s entire republican platform is essentially pro-cavity.
[Toothless Tuesday joke removed by Bill Maher]
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Tweet Tower—Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller said he was “as surprised as anyone to find a bonafide gun still emitting smoke not a hundred feet from the Oval Office.” During a preliminary sweep of the building, Mueller also found empty beer cans, a live chicken, and an inflatables sheep. “None of these are in and of themselves indictable offenses,” said Mueller, “but they are still worth mentioning. And, yes, it looked as if the sheep had been violated.”
Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”
As our Republic drifts ever closer to a full constitutional crisis, leave it to the deplorables to Activate form of Diversion. In a slew of recent ‘Opening Guanologues’, Sean Hannity has demanded that Congress “put an end to this Mueller witch hunt!” Really, Sir Liesalot? Fast and Incurious? Fox and Frauds are opting out of covering Ass-Clown’s demise and are instead shifting focus to the former Attorney General, Susan Rice (among other things). They would like her to hang for her ‘unmasking’ of some Trump campaigners on the lead up to the election. You may remember these unmasked Trumpsters as the same people currently perjurying themselves all over the White House carpets—the same people who were and are under an FBI investigation. So the Attorney General’s interest was not only warranted, but required. Full disclosure, I too am under an FBI investigation, but only because of my Nuke Sean Hannity website, which aims to reduce global fissile material, one Fox News anchor at a time.
[Click read more for the full scandal spoiler alert]