Tweet Tower—According to custodial historians, The White House’s septic system has functioned exceptionally well since Howard Taft hosted an ill-fated Roman banquet and treasure bath in the summer of 1912. Over the last two plus years, however, the sheer amount of bullshit, or what pundits are calling Foxal Matter, has surpassed the historic site’s maximum crapacity.

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Washington—After reading the full Mueller report and suggesting impeachment proceedings are warranted, Congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has clearly displayed, in public, that he can both read and process information, an ability today’s GOP considers: witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy and/or above the dignity of his office. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “The last thing this party needs is someone with an IQ at or above that of a turnip. How can I keep my peeps doing all these terrible things if they start to think for themselves? Not going to happen on my watch. Sometimes just a good blow to the head can fix these young upstarts. Not sure what region of the head should be targeted, of course, if I did know I’d have to resign from my post.”

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We need comprehensive immigration reform. It’s so bad at our southern border right now that even I wish Trump would appoint a head of Homeland Security. Don’t worry, even though both sides of the aisle can finally agree on the problem, a viable solution is not on the horizon. Certainly some of this surge in migrants is the perception that the U.S. may be on the verge of closing its doors forever …with a wall …equipped with sharks …with friggin’ lasers on their heads. Don’t laugh, that’s the latest executive request that Pelosi is desperately trying to block all funding for. Senior staffers admit that, as a pragmatist, she hates the sharks-in-the-desert thing, but would like to hear more about the lasers-mounted-on-their-heads thing. Mexicans are probably chuckling at Trump’s imaginary wall, but what if Guatemala only gets Fox News? The idea of a thousand mile wall comes with some now-or-never implications. It’s forcing those latitudenally challenged to act now, or risk remaining in their own “shit-hole country” indefinitely. Did Trump’s imaginary wall cause you or a loved one severe emotional distress while attempting to cross the U.S. southern border? Have lasers mounted on sharks injured you or a family member? You may be eligible for a cash reward. That’s it! Let’s cut off their emergency room access and just assign each illegal immigrant a lawyer. Latigation? Amidst this vulture-capitalistic wasteland we now find ourselves, this might be one area we can find some common legal ground.

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