Gotham—After Elon Musk announced his desire to take Tesla private, many are wondering if he really has the 10-billion in petty cash needed to privatize his company. Musk’s recent celebrity sighting with billionaire Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, has stoked rumors Musk has already lit the ‘Bruce Signal’. President Trump is threatening to squash any merger between the two giants based solely on all the Discord’s recent Trump-Gotham crime-boss jokes, which the president called “Fake fake News.” CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow responded, “Fake fake news is real fake news, or my name isn’t Pierce Winslow. And it isn’t.”
Turkey—Turkey’s President Tayyip Erdogan is reaching out to a 15-year-old young man from Carlstadt, NJ, who just purchased his country on eBay for a measly 500 ₺. Turkey continues to suffer from a major economic collapse, spurred by growing inflation and stifling tariffs. Now the country remains teetering on the brink of a full sophomoric dictatorship. In an address on turkey’s national television today, President Erdogan pleaded with the boy to: “Sell me back my country, you little shit! We can rent to own, or something.”
Tweet Tower—Soon after the announcement of the creation of a United States Space Force, President Trump revealed his intentions to appoint Pixar giant Buzz Lightyear to head this new branch of the military. Lightyear, a twenty year veteran of animated space exploration, has already expressed his excitement and his desire “to protect this great country from all space threats while our nation’s deficits reach to infinity and beyond!”
Just answer the question? I’m done answering these endless distractions in the guise of questions. The questions posed in your last feature, Mr. McDooris, are faulty from the get-go. Your first argument, let’s call it number one, smells more like number two. Yes, I went there, but so did nearly half of America in the 2016 election. Electoral sewage? Oh, and when I point out how 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation, it’s only because 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation (at least retrospectively, aka, One Step Beyond the Twiright Zone). There’s never any validity to the rightwing’s focus and if validity does exist somewhere it’s some overhyped semi-relevant tidbit. Thus enters Pokey’s focus on Robert Mueller’s bias and his pending recusal from the Russia probe. Heez Nuts?
Tweet Tower—Following a tone set at the last NATO summit, President Trump is now pressuring the Walt Disney Company to markedly increase its defense spending. The news came after the president was told the company currently sets aside no funds to protecting itself from domestic threats like Time Warner and Universal Studios or foreign threats like Sony and Canada’s Wonderland. The president is no longer willing to defend parts of the Disney compound and thinks it’s time they paid their fair share. The president seems particularly hostile toward Disneyland, which is located in a district he lost to Hillary Clinton in the general election by over 30 points.
Tweet Tower—White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly is walking back an earlier statement about his commitment to stay on the job until the end of Trump’s first term. The retired Marine Corp general claims, “When I said I would stay on as Chief of Staff until 2020, I meant the ABC television show 20/20. A common mistake. Last week there was a great show on the Thailand cave rescue and I was thinking about that when the president asked me about staying on, and, well, I’m pretty sure I can stay until the next 20/20, which airs this Monday. I take pills now.”
After creating diversionary scandals, damaging the republic, and tearing down the western world order, one might wonder how Republicans find the time to compromise their principles. Scandals and flip flops, flip flops and scandals abound. To meet these changes and challenges our conservative friends must reinvent themselves more often than a replicant with OCD. “You can never step into the same Republican party twice, but afterwards you should probably change your shoes.” —Heraclitus
Hollywood, CA—The Stanley Kubrick Foundation, in conjunction with Disney and NASA, finally released the much anticipated moon landing outtake reel. The images were digitally enhanced and reedited to capture some of the funnier moments and hijinks behind the scenes of the mock lunar landing of the Apollo 11 crew on July 20th 1969. The film is being released next week, but some of the details were leaked to The Daily Discord by the Hal 9000, the AI in charge of the Discovery One in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today upon announcing a joint business venture between The Kremlin and Tweet Tower. The president is denying his recent meeting with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki had anything to do with this historic and controversial real estate deal. When asked the president said, “This topic never came up at the summit. We had lots of other deals, I mean things to talk about. I think we just talked about Russian adoptions …and stuff. It’s all in the notes the Russians took.”
Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”