Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

No Spying During Spygate? What Next, No Pizza During Pizzagate?

Before waging battle with any of your crazy relatives this holiday season, here’s your updated handy-dandy scandal review list. Today we have some new Spygate fodder for your enjoyment. See why each and every republican led scandal ends in bullshit. Find out why there is never any there, there. Oh, and if you’re really gutsy, try reading this summary scandal table out loud at the next extended family gathering. Not recommended (Battery and/or Assault sold separately).

Sure, if you’re all Spygate-centric just skip to the bottom, but keep in mind this was like ten beers worth of research:

 

The ‘Scandal’

The Court Findings & Conclusions:    

The Historic Scandal-O-Meter

                           

Whitewater (1990s):

This theory suggested the Clintons killed Vince Foster to cover their tracks after a real estate venture that turned a large profit.

*For actual real estate scams see Donald J.Trump.

Post a 1980 IRS audit, no evidence of wrongdoing was found, here, and no evidence surfaced connecting Vince’s death and the Clintons (1994 congressional findings, here).

“After six years and more than $50 million in taxpayer money later, an independent counsel has concluded there is ‘insufficient evidence’ to charge President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton with any criminal wrongdoing.” —CBS

 0.00

This was a complete lie fabricated during the advent of the modern republican wingnut.

Anyone up for Epstein, Part Deux? No? How about we just challenge our current president to spell DNA?

Fast & Furious:

Obama lost some tracked weapons fed to Mexican drug cartels, one of which later killed a border patrol agent.

The DOJ’s IG at the time cleared Eric Holder, and Obama was never implicated in any wrongdoing. The initial program known as Operation: Wide Receiver began in 2006 under Dubya (6 people were ultimately indicted for this program).

“Only six months into office—and dealing with two wars and the worst financial collapse since the great depression—I guarantee you this was not on Obama’s radar. But, sure, let’s not do that anymore.” —Zano 2013

 2.00

Even though F&F occurred while Obama was still hanging the drapes at the WH, in retrospect, he should have ended all things Dubya both faster and more furiously’er.

 Solyndra:

This was a government supported solar energy startup that ultimately failed because the cost of silicon dropped, which allowed China to gain the upper hand on the deal.

The House Energy and Commerce Committee Investigation found no political manipulation, or wrongdoing of any kind by the Obama Administration. My favorite review of this matter comes complete with all the hyperlinks:

“For details on Solyndra, see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, [deep breath] here, here, and here. Attempts to unearth a scandal worthy to be called the ‘next Solyndra’ have been no more fruitful: see here, here, and here.”  —The Grist

– 3

This is the only negative, but we did lose .5 billion, so we need more successful .Gov funded green energy ventures, preferably prior to the extinction of our species.

The IRS Scandal:

This involved the suspected targeting of Obama’s political adversaries, aka republicans, for tax audits.

After a thorough investigation the District of Columbia’s DOJ, Ronald Marchens, found insufficient evidence of wrongdoing by the Obama Administration.

The Dept. of Treasury investigation also found no bias:

“A federal watchdog investigating whether the IRS unfairly targeted conservative political groups seeking tax-exempt status said that the agency also scrutinized organizations associated with liberal causes from 2004 to 2013.” —The NYTs

0.000

I added a zero at the end, which means nothing mathematical, but shhhhh, republicans don’t know math (see: the last economic collapse, and/or the next one).

Today our president has an IRS target on his back the size of, uh, your local Target.

Climategate:

The GOP tried to decipher a scientific study on global warming and, in retrospect, probably shouldn’t have. They used this to create a false theory that scientists were cooking the books on climate. The only thing that will be cooking soon is us.

This is one with all the links as well!

“Dr. Michael Mann and other climate scientists have been investigated by a third party to see if there was any wrongdoing in the ‘Climategate’ scandal. And once again, they were cleared of any wrongdoing. They had been previously cleared by an International Panel of Scientists last year, by a panel at Penn State, and have been cleared by various other agencies as well. This time, the investigation was conducted by the National Science Foundation, and you can read the report in full here.”

—Forbes

0.004

This started when a scientist was overheard saying he needed to ‘fix the numbers,’ which for people who went to school means: removing the outliers & presenting the data in a digestible fashion.

Fun Fact: No fact is digestible for republicans.

I added a value in the thousandth digit place, just to “fix” the #s.

Benghazi:

This is the most investigated scandal, and I still don’t have a clue why. Four people died in a Libyan embassy, including a US ambassador, the cause of the attack triggered 8 meaningless investigations. The longest run in US history.

Eight investigations that defied reason.

  1. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, interim report findings.
  2. The Senate Committee On Homeland Security And Governmental Affairs, report here.
  3. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, lack of findings here.
  4. Investigation 4-7 same lack of evidence, different committees.
  5. The eighth and hopefully final investigation blames the military response, not Clinton.

Here’s the House Select Committee’s review of Clinton’s 11 hour testimony. 11 hours of testimony for bullshit vs zero seconds testimony for treason, because their scandals go to 11!

0.00

(Military’s scandal score is higher, a 3, and The GOP’s score is a 2, as they cut embassy security funds the year before the incident.)

Uranium One:

This is when Republicans claimed Hillary Clinton sold uranium to Russia from her Etsy account, or something.

“The Uranium One sale was unanimously approved by [Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States, or CFIUS], which is made up of representatives from nine separate federal agencies and chaired by the Treasury Department.” …and, the same report showed Clinton never intervened with the decision.

—March 8, 2018 press release

Additionally, then AG Sessions (R) and Trey “Benghazi or Bust” Gowdy (R) found insufficient evidence to appoint a special counsel on the matter.

0.00

(Uranium None joke currently being enriched by Tehran.)

Birthergate: Do I have to?

0.00

Pizzagate: Suffice to say the basement under the pizza parlor from which Hillary was supposed to be running a sex ring operation, didn’t actually exist.

0.00

 

Burisma Scandal Sold Sperately:    Uggg. Projected ….hmmm.

 

And now the exciting conclusion of this fictional extravaganza that helped the US elect a clown-despot 🤡 😲:

 Spygate:

 

To summarize the IG’s findings:

Zero spying during Spygate .

Absolved peeps (1st glance): Sztrok, Page, Clinton, Clinton, Obama, Lynch, Clapper, Comey, McCabe, Brenner.

The Dossier was not part of the investigations advent, as shit started w/ Padapawhatsas, not Page …well, that’s 792 hours of Hannity’s America I’ll never get back!

The Page FISA warrant did have serious issues, but was one of over 500 warrants related to Russian interference. Hey, but they found something sort of relevant. Weird, right?

Today the NYTs reports: The IG report found errors but no anti-Trump plot, or my prediction: The IG Report will find errors, but no anti-Trump plot.

“The Horowitz investigation really can’t fail, because any irregularities real, perceived, or invented will be backed by an AG.” And, “The findings will rank about a two on the Zano-scandal-meter, but as usual the GOP will upgrade this drivel to a 10. By the time everyone figures out the whole thing was Benghazi’d, it won’t matter. Meanwhile, using a reverse procedure, Mueller’s findings, which historians will ultimately rank an 11, will be transformed back into a pile of #2. This is more Alchemy for Dummies, a process designed to transmute the truth into Foxal Matter, and then back again.”  Zano 8/19

The Inspector General, under great political pressure, couldn’t find anything on Spygate, at all: Attorney General Barr’s hand-picked prosecutor said he can’t back a ‘deep state’ theory that the Russia probe was an anti-Trump conspiracy

As Herr Ass-clown key dupe, Barr will still go spook headhunting.

 

 

0.00

(Democratic scandal = zero, but FBI = 4.)

No 2 score, so a rare Zano retraction?

 

 

AG Barr’s interpretation to come: someone made a serious error, so this is a serious scandal.

 

 

 

 

 

Total  =  Bullshit

 

What about Hillary’s email server, Zano?!

Stars We Lost In 2019: M5556-ba, Cygnus X-997, BM-J566…

The year 2019 proved a tragic one for large spheres of flaming plasma throughout the galaxy. Among those lost are ACS-J1149, Zeta BC-25, and my personal favorite 144471-Ba. One group of stars that include B-Gamma-7 and 888741-E were subsumed by a very naughty black hole from the BDSM Quadrant. Several stars such as GN-z11, HD 140283, and RX J185635-3754 just fizzled out in what scientists are calling “a not so supernova.” And our own chief celestial correspondent, Alex Bone, claims we lost the entire HR-420 cluster after Stellular Resources conducted random coronal-ejection-analysis throughout the quadrant.

Trump Surprises Russian Troops At Base In Northern Syria

Manijib, Syria—Barley a month after US forces abandoned their military base in northern Syria, President Donald Trump wowed the new occupants of the previously held Kurdish territory with a surprise visit. Russian troops cheered as both Vladimir Putin and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad joined the festivities from a giant JumboTron, courtesy of the US army. The dueling dictators thanked the US president for his unscheduled appearance, as well as the ongoing support for despotism and general evilness everywhere. The three leaders then renewed their pledge to wipe out democracy wherever it might attempt to flourish.

Pentagon Accidentally Bombs The Shit Out Of Three Institutions Housing Trump’s Financial Records

Washington—The White House is denying allegations that the bombing of three separate banks believed to be housing the president’s financial records was intentional. The Pentagon has confirmed three US drone strikes have leveled Capital One headquarters in VA, the US headquarters of the French company, Mazars, in NY, and a third location at …some Deutsche bank. The White House is maintaining these are unrelated incidents that the president himself is calling “collusional damage” and “tax erasetion.”

Amercia: The Not-So-Great Satan

Earlier today the Navy Secretary resigned over what is being called a ‘Trumpian pardon my overreach’ scandal. Hey, someone should pose next to Giuliani …you know, after they get to him. Yesterday, China called the US the biggest source of instability in the world, which is another good reason to dump the almighty Donald. Meanwhile, the once unthinkable notion of ditching the dollar is now likely resonating with even the Merkels of the world. Two days ago we find a top Commander warning of the next Iran attack. Yeah, I don’t mind another avoidable war, but who to root for? Kidding, but how does the US manage to cede the moral high ground to even the Ayatollahs? What do you do for your next trick, republicans? Never mind. The last time I posed that question the economy Dubya’d. And, if you dare to jump into the Wayback Machine all the way back to two weeks ago, Tehran was unveiling some anti-American murals to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the hostage crisis. Oh, and they’ve managed to resume their uranium enrichment, in their spare time. Centrifuge sold separately. And the day before that, North Korea fired another long range missile as their Supreme Leader was seen riding a unicorn with a rainbow shooting out of its …wait, I’m being told that was our Photoshop team’s rendition. Keep me in the loop, fellas! I guess it’s time for us to arm all sides in this Middle East crisis, not for peace, but for some more lucrative weapons contracts.  Who knew hiring an ass-clown would bring about such a circus 🤡 😲?

[Boeing, Boeing, Gone? and Halliburton & Ernie joke awarded a new lucrative contracts.]

Guy Who Sat Next To Trump In Algebra Class Fears Being Indicted “For Something”

Queens, NY—Steve “Stevie” Miles is concerned his past relationship as a classmate of Donald Trump’s could lead to legal peril. Miles told the Discord today, “A lot of people who’ve associated with Donnie Dingleberry over the years are being dragged into court. Yeah, that’s his nickname. What I do know is that he looked at my paper a lot during exams. I told Mrs. Magaluso once, but there was some type of coverup involved. You can see in the picture, I noticed he’s trying to cheat so I’m giving him the finger. When Donnie did get in trouble, he either paid off someone to take the fall, or he blamed The Deep District. I took the fall once. I didn’t really give Jimmy Phillips a swirlie, but for twenty bucks back then? Shit. That was the most lucrative detention stint ever. Who do you think invented the swirlie? Yep, good old Donnie Dingleberry. He was like Nelson from the Simpsons …well, if Nelson sustained a serious head injury.”

Secret Republican Plot To Bury Trump’s Mouth Deep In The Earth’s Crust Revealed!

El Paso County, CO—Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell is denying allegations that he’s worked out a scheme to hold the presidency firmly in Republican control, yet silence the baser impulses of the current occupier of the Oval Office. A senior staffer has leaked a nefarious plot to transport Donald Trump’s mouth to Cheyenne Mountain, and bury it under several miles of granite. The Republican co-conspirators hope to obtain the president’s mouth while he’s sleeping, which according to Twitter feed patterns occurs roughly between 2:00 and 2:15 AM each morning. Scientists estimate the half-life of a half-wit will allow President Trump’s mouth to continue to spout off to the surrounding radioactive barrels for the next 6.3 billion tweets.

Damning Indictment? In Fateful Gaffe, Nunes Yields Rest Of Time To Satan

Washington—During the impeachment hearings today, instead of yielding his time to a fellow congressman, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) unfortunately said, “His Lord Satan.” After his statement a crack formed in the chamber that emitted an orange glow, flames, and a smell not unlike Rep. Eric Swalwell’s recent performance over at MSNBC. Then Rep. Adam Schiff looked on in horror as the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee slipped into a fissure that formed from deep in the Earth’s crust.

Scientist Warns Of Immanent China Syndrome-Style Meltdown Of Trump’s Ego

Washington, DC—At least one scientist believes the current Trump impeachment scenario could imperil the entire planet and is therefore sounding the alarm. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “This week’s hearings strike at the very core of Trump’s ego, which, if ruptured, is large enough to melt straight through to the Earth’s core. The president’s ego is supersized, so if it were a star its death throes would create a black hole; if it were a wave it would form a MAGA-tsunami, and were it a late night McDonald’s order, it would come with a very, very large coke and fries.”

Facebook Scrubs Whistleblower’s Identity: Man With Same Name Wants Kitten Blog Back

Gary, IN—A man, who we will refer to as “Gary from Indiana”, is angry after both YouTube and Facebook took down his coveted Kitty Korner blog, because he happens to share the same name with the whistle-blower at the heart of the Trump impeachment hearings. The whistle-blower’s name was briefly outed last week, but was then removed almost immediately from all major platforms on which it appeared. This move inadvertently hid the popular kitten blog, and Gary just wants to know when he can post his latest pic of a Maine Coon-Norwegian Forest hybrid named Mittens.