The military is insisting President Trump learn where a country is on the map before implementing the squirting tie.
There are two conflicting themes within this Trump/Russia collusion scandal: 1. Liberals across the land are banking on this investigation ending the reign of President Ass-Clown Hitler, and 2. There’s a ton of smoke, yet no functional smoke detectors in the greater DC area. Check out Sam Harris’s podcast wherein Anne Applebaum equates both Putin and Trump’s tactics to “polluting the information space.” The turd is out there? The truth is becoming ever more subjective these days and, if you’re a Republican, this whole truthiness to murkiness shift is paying off. Nonstop lying apparently comes with a super majority. And if you act now you can get two Supreme Court Judges! It is very odd to me how so many Republican folks are disinterested in the whole Trump-should-probably-hang thing. They want us to stop harassing the president and just let Trump govern. What?! Are you crazy? Oh, right. I have an idea, how about the party of Nixon, Dubya and Trump refrain from commenting for a few election cycles? Dope springs eternal.
Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes 420 and the related spike in marijuana use is subtly altering the rotation of the Earth’s axis. Dr. Hogbein explains, “This is a form of time travel. It’s not just about all the weed and the resulting slow moving hipsters, there’s an additional factor thus far missed by science. What science ignores is all the associated convenience-store munchies. Remember how right before their own time travel adventures, Bill & Ted said there were strange things afoot at the Circle-K? It’s not tachyon particles, convenience store food is the key to time travel. Once Cheetos, Twinkies and chili dogs are combined with the existing cannabinoidic receptors of the brain, I believe a small Snack Gate can open within the neural snacknaptic clefts of the temporal lobe.”
Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.
Las Vegas, NV—If it were not for the speedy response of the fountain manager, Ty Miller, the Bellagio Resort & Casino may have been fried like a Seattle hipster at 420. The cause of the Las Vegas strip fire is not immediately known, but the blaze broke out in the Voldemort Suite due to what some are speculating as an unauthorized use of magic. It took only 19 minutes for the fire to be contained after Mr. Taylor angled the fountains 75° toward the front of the building. No one was injured and, as an extra added bonus, the streams of water sparked an impromptu wet t-shirt contest on the 7th floor.
Are we moving toward fascism? My designated term of endearment for our president, Ass-Clown Hitler, was chosen for a reason as the only thing standing between our nation and some extra-strength Nazinol is Trump’s three-ring stupidity. What many of us despise about Trump, his terminal buffoonery, may actually be our saving grace. There’s certainly a down side to having an ass-clown leading the free world, but what if he were Dick Cheney? Cheney was smart and evil, which is a much more potent force. Come on, Dick, if the jackboot fits… Granted, conservatives are generally not the sharpest political tools in the shed, but if we keep re-electing them one of these days they’re going to get it alt-right.