Tweet Tower—Rock legend, Mick Jagger, is being held without bail in the bowels of Tweet Tower and his bandmate, Keith Richards, is wanted for questioning after eluding police by jumping a fence and scaling the side of a six-story building. Amidst a DOJ investigation into the origins surrounding the FBI’s Trump-Russia probe, also known as Crossfire Hurricane, the Rolling Stones were named as Individuals 1-4 for coining that phrase in the early seventies. The President has used this fact to detain the rock legends while crafting an executive order to rob them of the rights to their own songs for upcoming Trump rallies.
The Shoreline—In anticipation of some summer splashing followed by some summer organ-crashing, the Red Cross along with the Coast Gaurd have pooled their resources to open up a special shoreside service for those sickened by coronavirus. Why let a virus wreck your fun this summer? Each offshore floating hospital is equipped with a fully functioning intensive care unit, designed to get you back to your vacation itinerary as fast as possible, or there’s speedy burial-at-sea options for those party poopers among us.
My friend and blogvesary asked me to give his points about Spygate a fairer shake. Sure it’s mostly conspiracy theory scrawled across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard with a pre-sniffed Sharpie, but there is some clear irregularities that can’t be ignored. My friend is reasonable, so over the years he always lays out these red-meat-laden theories and I research them. But this is also why I have such a healthy fear of following him, once again, down the rabid hole. Since they’re typically distractions, I tend to shut them down sooner than traitor. It’s like hearing how the moon landing was faked, then, years later, we go to the moon and there’s a pizza parlor where Hillary is running a child sex ring out of the basement. Yeah, it’s like that… Anything being espoused on Hannity each night seems automatically meritless to me, yet only a Sith deals in absolutes. As for Spygate, why couldn’t the FBI pick an issue, a lie, a white-collar crime, a quid pro quo, a collusive conclusive moment, to make their case? With so much wrongdoing to choose from, how do you not meet the level of a FISA warrant, indefinitely? You had Gotham’s Orange Cheetoh in your crossfire hurricane hairs and you missed. Pokey sent along some questions and some links for review. Two links touched on Obama spying, aka Halper and Misfud, so I worked them into my answers—covertly, of course, without proper FISA permissions. He sent over a Hill link, nice, but here’s a much a better one, here. Why do I have to do your job for you, Poke? His other two sources were The Federalist, uggg, and Wikipedia—which I use too but prefer the Star Wars version, Wookepedia.
“Surveil or surveil not, there is no spy.” —Yoda
Point Pleasant, WV—To the backdrop of throngs of crazed, statue-toppling progressives, the Mothman statue that once stood at the heart of downtown Point Pleasant is no more. Mothman, a known larvae-owner with ties to both Mothra and the BeheMoth, was also despised for his role as a key member of the Light Bulbs Matter movement. The president tweeted today, “I remember when Mothman showed up in West Vagina, followed by Godzilla and that three-headed dragon thing. I know it was a tough time for everyone involved, but there were good cryptids on both sides of those protests.”
Tweet Tower—Why are John Bolton’s revelations from his upcoming book revelations? Who knew a narcissist could act narcissistic by putting his own re-election over the greater good? That’s the flippin’ definition of narcissism! Why are we still surprised by Trump’s actions in 2020? The DSM hasn’t changed that section since flippin’ Freud. Meanwhile, my friend and blogvesary, a man with a Rorschach-with-an-electron-microscope level of commitment to the minutiae, is still ranting about Spygate and he wants widespread liberal prosecutions. What is your endgame, sir? Trump’s rather notorious place in history is sealed and my Trump/Mussolini and Barr/Franco analogies seem less hyperbolic each and every news cycle. We elected a crime-boss president with fascist friends, and like any other modern-day conservative experiment: It.Failed.Miserably—to the point where the dollar itself hangs in the balance. What are you even hoping for, Pokey? That the widespread incompetence plaguing our country, which no doubt reached our intelligence community, has some positive political implications? Maybe there’s a bad cop in there somewhere so the crime boss walks? [Walk Don’t Run joke removed by the Ventures Foundation.] How do you continue to ignore the obvious? When are you going to see what’s actually happening, not the fantasy foxal matter counter-narrative? When will you realize that when people who share your ideology lead it’s akin to a cluster fuck giving birth to a mega-snafu during an F-5 sharknado?
Over Memorial Day weekend I made the mistake of debating members of the family still laboring with the misapprehension that the republican ideology is a thing. For some context, we’ve danced around meaningful discourse for nearly a decade, but for this round I just wanted to convey one final point, namely, we’re past the point of no return for our courts, our constitution, our environment and our economy, so things are about to get much worse for this country on a variety of fronts and, although I love ya’ll, I’m with the North. Or, if you prefer a more schnitzely analogy, I’m with Herr, which was Hindenburg’s 1932 slogan. This is far beyond a covid thing, folks, for those late to the party it’s more of a me-circe-2004-thing. And, yes, I will no longer defend republican thought or even known republican-sympathizers. Yeah, I know the opposite is occurring right now across this country, but I long for the days of a smarter, more progressive fascism. Speaking of which, why is our Attorney General now targeting Latifah anyway? It’s such a confusing world.
Minneapolis, MN–Images of violent protesters not adhering to CDC-guidelines across the country has cast these arsonists and looters in an unnecessarily dark light. In an effort to both continue displaying their animosity toward local police and yet remain safe from COVID, the leaders of this nebulous mob have agreed to burn down only every other structure, a concession they feel is a suitable compromise “to burn and break shit responsibly.“