In related news, Christopher Robin’s body has yet to be recovered from the Hundred Acre Blood.
Sometimes I still think highly of our top military brass and our MIB-spook-types. Despite my disgust with our industrial military complex in general—with its egregious abuses to our environment and its abysmal failure to allocate their Dr. Evil gazillions responsibly—certainly some military luminaries demand our respect. In the end, however, it’s those “good soldiers” who tend to betray us. I’m talking about those folks who insist on staying in their lane while Rome burns. Former Defense Secretary, General Mattis, rightly stepped down in protest over Trump’s dangerous inconsistencies with troop involvement/levels in Syria. General Petraeus remains one of the leading military intelligence minds of our time and, back in the day, General Wesley Clark broke ranks, or broke something by leaking Dubya’s master plan to topple seven regimes in the Middle East—all for the purpose of planting magic democracy beans, you know, the ones he no doubt purchased from an as yet undisclosed bean dealer with ties to the Saudi Royals. However, these military bright spots seem to be the exception, not the rule. In the end these institutions simply do not prepare our military personnel, or our intelligence officers for the insidiousness of today’s body politic. They will sell out their country under the pretense of some misguided sense of duty and for that we should damn them along with the rest of the Republican shit show.
Warrensville—With bad intent I, Mick Zano, have posted a blatantly sexist post for the purpose of angering my last few Discord fans. I am doing this in the hopes of further time to pursue my true purpose: to use Google Earth to climb Mt. Everest! I have already set up my virtual basecamp at 17,600 ft. on the south side of the living room. I believe I have enough Coke and Twinkies to make this historic satellite-image journey.
Turdingham, ENG—In a much desired break from the recent rash of milkshake attacks plaguing malty-old-England, Scotland Yard is seeking any information regarding the whereabouts of a large pigeon. The bloated bird is believed to have assaulted Brexit-great Nigel Farage last week with what many are calling an avian Moloturd cocktail. The pigeon, a known proponent of the UK’s remaining in the EU, normally frequents Trafalgar square, Big Ben’s ledge, or that statue of Queen Elizabeth that looks like she’s wearing a toilet seat around her head. On the day in question, however, this pigeon acted like a pigeon …um, possessed by a much nastier pigeon.
Tokyo, Japan—The state visit to Japan was going relatively smoothly this week until President Trump attempted to order a 100-year-old Egg McMuffin at dinner. His unusual request was met with some confused stares by the servers and wait staff. After several awkward moments the president tried to clarify his request, “It’s like a really old breakfast hamberder.” The Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, finally explained the Century Egg is actually a Chinese delicacy and has no connection to the U.S. fast food franchise whatsoever. Melania then joked, “Your Chinese Egg McMuffin will be cold, Donald, by the time it gets to America, what with the trade wars, tariffs and all.”
Tweet Tower—In what many are calling a brutally honest assessment, president Trump laid out the details of his latest business dealings with the Saudi royal family. The president has successfully bypassed congress to finalize an eight-billion dollar deal that will allow Saudi Arabia to get more smart bombs, drones, missiles and weapons for the purpose of helping Al Qaeda and other Sunni terrorist groups as well as aid in the final stages of the genocide of the Yemeni people, or “win win” as the president put it.
Stress is a growing workplace problem these days and, with opioids getting such a a bad rap lately, why not treat your employees to some anxiety-reducing magic? Why get a candy bar on break, when you can get a Xannie bar! Benzodiazepines are wonderful at helping workers cope with their boss, their coworkers, and provides them the piece of mind to not worry about not meeting important deadlines. Executives are excited that coworkers are getting along better and instances of grievances and complaints are dropping along with their blood pressure.
Grand Rapids, MI—Republican congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has not only read the Mueller report in its entirety, stunning in and of itself, but he has concluded the president has engaged in impeachable offenses. The news has both Democrats and the scientific community scratching their heads. Since his public declaration on Monday, congressman Amash is awash with requests to have his brain studied by science, preferably post-mortem. The discovery has many political scientists and neuro-beurocratologists begging the question, how could someone who can process information still be a registered republican? It’s like Catch-22, only worse. Yeah, it’s like a Catch-23.
Two key GOP factions have emerged in recent years, the greedy part and the eager-to-blow-shit-up part. Both sides seem determined to lead our country to ruin. It’s like Death Race 2000 only there are no points for running people over. In fact, there are no points to it at all. As things escalate with Tehran, many believe our president represents the best chance to keep the warmongers within his own administration in check. Whereas there’s some truth to that statement, it’s not horribly comforting. There’s a difference between a firewall and a dumpster fire. It’s kind of like having the eight year old watch the four year old …except neither of them are that old.