Senate Chambers—Trump’s impeachment defense lawyers took the stand yesterday to mount a powerful, yet incoherent case to exonerate this president from any and all wrongdoing. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a simple case of he said vs she said, she said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, she said, he said, he said, she said, she said, and a few others blocked to testify by the defendant. But for us to move forward with the removal of this president, there’s all kinds of stuff that would have to occur: what with the movers, changing postal addresses, and the fumigation costs and whatnot. There’s a lot of whatnot that I don’t think the American people are prepared to contemplate. Worse still, this is a kangaroo court! And, with all the recent fires in Australia, haven’t the kangaroos been through enough?” Attorney Otter Lazlo Hutts, Esquire, then turned everyone’s attention to the new Space Force logo: “In the new Star Trek movies, did not Mr. Spock create a separate and distinct timeline wherein Romulus explodes and he gets to bang Uhura? I ask unto you, gentlemen, if this is a new timeline, how can my client be responsible for parallel actions in a parallel Universe? He can’t. No one can. So last Friday never happened, Karen [winks]. And if this is an alternate timeline, which it isn’t, surely the director should be forced to testify? Where is the ghost of Gene Rodenberry? Where is Mr. Spock, the man responsible for the creation of this alternate universe through gross negligence in the first place? By that logic, is Mr. Spock the Whistleblower? Did he kill those men in Benghazi, during Fast & Furious, using Burisma and Crowdstrike for cover? I believe the answer to all of those nonsensical questions is a profound and disturbing, yes. Besides, why waste our time with high crimes and misdemeanors, when these are actually lowbrow felonies? It makes no sense, much like the president’s twitter feed #batshitPOTUS.”
