Republicans don’t give a damn about free speech; they only want to defend their own bullshit. They’re intent on dismantling our Constitution in the name of greed, and if a side effect of this post-truth world allows for a criminal kingpin to occupy the oval office indefinitely, cest le vie. Caveat emperor? Defending the republican’s right to lie is where the rightwing allegiance to our first amendment begins and ends. They’re not constitutionalists; they’re snake oil salesmen. The GOP is fixated on suppressing voter turnout, keeping America white, expanding the militarized-industrialized complex, and accelerating the disparity of wealth. And amidst that busy schedule, they found the time to dismantle our 1st Amendment. My friend and blogvesary, the Pokester, is pointing to the liberal attacks on our first amendment and, as usual, ignoring the elephant in the room. Wake up! No, really, if you’re supporting a Trump-redo you’ve obviously sustained a serious head injury and if you fall asleep you could suffer a cerebral hemorrhage.
Tweet Tower—The President is pleased to announce the next round of stimulus checks have passed Congress and most Americans are eligible for this phase of the pandemic bailouts. However, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin warned the press today the latest stimulus package comes with some set stipulations. “Anyone receiving the funds must do one of three things,” said Mnuchin. “You can either turn the check into smaller amounts through a number of legal transactions, cover up the money via creative bookkeeping, or turn the check in for chips at any participating casino or Trump property.”
Tweet Tower—The Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the US Postal Service unveiled their plot to both suppress voting in key districts as well as to regain control of our city streets from liberal mobs. Over one hundred thousand confiscated postal boxes have thus far been refitted as weaponized peacekeepers and deployed to liberal cities currently protesting Black Lives Matter. The White House has dubbed this Operation Going Postal and the president is calling it “win win.” In an executive tweet, the president said, “These same postal boxes that lazy people use to vote, and they’re very lazy people, can now disperse those same liberals on those long lines at the polling stations in November.” The president claims to have gotten the idea from an old Dr. Who rerun. Trump said, “I was watching this show and thought to myself, I don’t like the Who, or any doctor at the Who, but I do like those crazy little things trying to kill him. And that’s when it hit me.”
Sure I’ve wondered whether the idiocy part of Donald Trump would save us from his worst authoritarian impulses, but my greater concern was always centered on a society that could elect such a man in the first place and what might spawn from such ideological sewage? Post QAnon’s emergence, one wonders if the Trump base, aka IQanone, might save us from their more terroristic inclinations? After all, this is not your grandfather’s Weather Underground [‘putting on false Ayres’ joke detained by the FBI]. Face it, the fabled ‘Q’ of QAnon is to Bin Laden as the ‘underwear bomber’ is to Muslim terrorism. The mystery MAGA prophet has gotten nothing right to date, from Hillary Clinton’s “imminent arrest” to “the Coronavirus is a hoax,” so he’s a perfect addition to the team. Republicans have made a lifetime of being wrong; it’s second nature to them, so why would their Nostradumbass be any different? Follow your blissful ignorance? The FBI has already classified QAnon as a domestic terrorist group, but if they follow suit with ANTIFA, it’s just politics. Half the country is against fascism and the rest can’t spell fascism. But just how homegrown extremism is this bunch going to get? And who gets elected to the backdrop of these populist delusions? Kidding, Trump stays in power until he dies because the only thing standing between him and some jail bars is AG Barr.
After a long in-depth process, steeped in an esoteric wonkish mysticism, I read my tea leaves, summoned my magic, and tapped into this country’s ever-shifting political scheissgiest for the sole purpose of honing my theories and algorithms to become the very first to endorse the Biden/Harris combo, last May. Fine. I drank a beer and watched about twenty minutes of the first Democratic debate before I looked at my wife and said, “We’re screwed, put Ash vs The Evil Dead back on.” The next day I wrote that ‘dream ticket’ article and never watched another minute of those bullshit Dem-bates *cough*. Fine. Whereas that all happened, upon review I’d written that article a month earlier, based solely on the lengthy list of presidential hopefuls, who must have received their Bezos-shipped participation trophies by now. Thanks for playing. Hey, at least I nixed my first duo: Gillibrand/Hickenlooper. That’s a long bumper sticker.
[The Hardest Button To Button joke removed by the White Stripes]
Nutley, NJ—Beloved Planters’ mascot, Mr. Peanut, is wanted at this hour after a wild rampage through downtown Nutley injured a number of maskless anti-peanut protestors. Investigators now fear that Mr. Peanut did not act alone and the intelligence community is exploring the existence of a number of ‘Planter Cells’ waiting to be spread across the country’s breadbasket. In an executive tweet, the president condemned the attack, “Peanuts could already be in our pantries, our cafeterias, and even in those little bowls at our local bars. But DON”T PANIC!! We’ll arrest them in a Jif! #SkippyTownNutjob.” One witness told The Discord, “They’ve always been nuts, so why didn’t anyone see this coming?”
[‘Stop pulling my legume’ joke removed by the editor.]
My republican friend and blogvesary is on a “strengthen your immunity system” kick, presumably to stay healthy during COVID long enough to vote for the Trumpocalypse. That’s like intentionally fasting on the lead up to a famine. A stronger immunity system is crucial, but it doesn’t replace a competent government and a more comprehensive universal healthcare system. Do you really think Guatemala could join the G7 if they just take their Flintstone chewables? Besides, there’s so much stacked against our kids today, including the bombardment of hundreds of toxins, in utero no less. Babies arrive with so much pollutants all the superfoods in Whole Foods couldn’t put Trumpty Dumpty back together again. Encouraging people to boost their immune system is never a bad idea, but to not understand the series of unfortunate republican-led events contributing to our nation’s health decline is suicidal. What are we going to do with you folks? In 2020 you’ve simply missed too many classes. It’s like walking through the front door of your Quantum Physics class while simultaneously riding out of the backdoor as a wave. Yeah, they’re not gonna get that either.
Nal Hutta—President Trump is very close to striking a deal with the Hutts that will help keep millions of school-age children safely stored in Carbonite units until the current pandemic has ended. The president believes Hutts Storage, Inc represents “a great way to get the economy going again while keeping those namby-pamby liberals happy.” The Hutts, a shell-less species of giant gastropod, are longtime friends of the Trump family. The president told reporters, “They’re good people. Back in the days of the Old Republic, my great grandfather used to smuggle spice with the Hutt Cartel. We can learn a lot about how to handle protestors from what happens to them in Hutt-controlled space. I would like to see ANTIFA try to take down a statue of Jabba. No really, they’re yuuuge and heavy!! You’ll break your back! And for the few of you who still have insurance, that’s a preexisting condition #MedicalBankruptcy.”