Tweet Tower—Several hundred children remain missing at this hour since the DOJ’s controversial border policy went into effect in May that separates children from those individuals attempting to cross into the U.S. illegally. Reuniting the children with their families since Trump’s recent policy reversal has proven difficult, however, as record keeping is “no longer a thing” in the Age of Trump. The White House has announced a proposed plan promising those detained at the border will receive a voucher allowing them to be reunited with the same number of children that they arrived with. The U.S. Customs and Border Agency will explain to each parent that the child may well be their own, but it is statistically unlikely.
Tweet Tower—Abandoning all hope of a Congress-related solution, President Trump has signed an executive order today that creates the Brown Baby Research & Conservation Agency. In lieu of separating children from their families and locking them in cages after a suspected illegal border crossing, the Trump Administration has a better solution. This new government agency stationed along the US-Mexico border will humanely tag unaccompanied minors with a GPS geolocator and then release them back into the desert. Many claim this policy is not helpful and is evidence of the president doubling down on his “Zero Tolerance” policy, or what Trump himself is calling Operation Dos Zero.
For my birthday this year—which usually involves someone buying me a beer, in May—I am asking for donations to The Daily Discord.com. Or at least enough money to fund a Donation Button, which involves thirty minutes of WordPress time that I’m not, as yet, willing to donate. It’s like a button that sends me cash so I can keep making fun of republicans in a timely manner. I know in 2018 it’s pretty low hanging fruit, but I do it each week with a certain liberal pizazz. Oh, and I had to change my birthday on FB to make this joke happen and now Zuckerdick isn’t letting me change it back! Fascist Book? Maybe fighting the man should be a separate donation button, or something… Anyway, please send all proceeds to my PayPal account that I haven’t bothered to set up yet. I really should have thought this through better.
Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”
My blogversary always demands answers each week to his nonsensical questions, despite their irrelevance. You can not deny that during the Frost/Nixon interview both men were wearing pants. True or False, Zano?! Both wore pants! For his latest lie-a-tribe, he’s trying to pin me down to either ‘true’ or ‘false’ statements on a series of Spygate inquiries. For those who stick to news relevant to this planet, the Hannity’s of the world have created an FBI counter-narrative designed to muddy the Russia-probe. True to form, Pokey is never interested in the past or the future, because conservatives live entirely in an ever-present news cycle of their own creation. My related zenwrongness theory points to a permanent Nirvana-like conservative political state for the terminally cheesy. Briepiphany? Dharmaesan? Presentism is a gift from our rightwing propagandists. Who knew Joseph Goebbles was so enrightened?
Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!
Quebec, CDN—President Trump apparently arrived much later to the G-7 summit than was originally reported. In fact, the U.S. representative did not attend the traditional world leader photo shoot. Instead a cardboard cutout was propped between Germany’s Angela Merkel and Canada’s Justin Trudeau at the last minute. When asked why none of the leaders leaked this information to the press, they all had a variation of the same response: “We greatly preferred the company of the cardboard cutout.” Justin Trudeau was particular incensed with the President of the United State’s behavior at the summit and wished the cardboard substitute could have “stayed the whole time.” Trudeau went on to say, “If he acts like that again, we will take certain measures. And I’m warning Mr. Trump that Canadian ‘time outs’ take place in the Yukon and involve being chained to a polar bear.”
A long time ago, in a box office far, far away—Hailed as an American space western, Solo: A Star Wars Story follows the exploits of character Han Solo and his Wookie companion, Chewbacca. This time LucasFilm went with director Ron Howard, best known for playing Opie in the popular 60s situation comedy, The Andy Griffith Show. The film was named after the one person who went to see this space dud since it’s opening last week. Many are calling this a huge victory for the empire, who really don’t like how they are portrayed in most of the films.
Tweet Tower—President Trump met with the surviving members of the rock band, The Eagles, today in the Oval Office. When asked about the meeting with the Super Bowl champion, Philadelphia Eagles, the president made it sound as if this was the plan all along. “I said I wanted to meet with the Eagles and there was some confusion from a staffer who I since fired, but I think it’s good now,” said President Trump. “I love Hotel California and Sweet Home Alabama. These guys are my favorite band—next to Ed Zeppelin. I love me some Ed. Hey, can we get Ed next time?”
The Pacific Ocean—A killer whale was found dead yesterday after consuming 17 lbs of now non-recyclable plastic during what friends are calling “a bet gone awry.” The previous record for plastic consumption by a cetacean was held by Polymer Pete, a blue whale who one day turned bluer from asphyxiation and choked to death. A liberal oceanographer remains annoyed at this hour, “Sorry another whale is dead, but the thing was mixing high and low density polyethylene as well as any and all vinyl and terephthalate. It’s like going back in time to prehistoric cave-people recycling.” Fred and Ethylene Flintstone were unavailable for comment.