Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

No Coverage? I Thought This Was America! Thanks Obamacare!

My republican friend and blogvesary is on a “strengthen your immunity system” kick, presumably to stay healthy during COVID long enough to vote for the Trumpocalypse. That’s like intentionally fasting on the lead up to a famine. A stronger immunity system is crucial, but it doesn’t replace a competent government and a more comprehensive universal healthcare system. Do you really think Guatemala could join the G7 if they just take their Flintstone chewables? Besides, there’s so much stacked against our kids today, including the bombardment of hundreds of toxins, in utero no less. Babies arrive with so much pollutants all the superfoods in Whole Foods couldn’t put Trumpty Dumpty back together again. Encouraging people to boost their immune system is never a bad idea, but to not understand the series of unfortunate republican-led events contributing to our nation’s health decline is suicidal. What are we going to do with you folks? In 2020 you’ve simply missed too many classes. It’s like walking through the front door of your Quantum Physics class while simultaneously riding out of the backdoor as a wave. Yeah, they’re not gonna get that either.

Hutts Float “Kiddie Carbonite” For When It’s Safe To Go Back To School

Nal Hutta—President Trump is very close to striking a deal with the Hutts that will help keep millions of school-age children safely stored in Carbonite units until the current pandemic has ended. The president believes Hutts Storage, Inc represents “a great way to get the economy going again while keeping those namby-pamby liberals happy.” The Hutts, a shell-less species of giant gastropod, are longtime friends of the Trump family. The president told reporters, “They’re good people. Back in the days of the Old Republic, my great grandfather used to smuggle spice with the Hutt Cartel. We can learn a lot about how to handle protestors from what happens to them in Hutt-controlled space. I would like to see ANTIFA try to take down a statue of Jabba. No really, they’re yuuuge and heavy!! You’ll break your back! And for the few of you who still have insurance, that’s a preexisting condition #MedicalBankruptcy.”

Spygate XII: Spy Hard With A Vengeance

For the four of you still following this part of The Discord Spygate saga, welcome to another exciting chapter! Yeah, I’m totally unsupervised here on the ‘Cord, but stay tuned for the thrilling climax when I push my friend and blogvesary off the top floor of the Nakatomi Plaza. First, I’m really happy he’s back! At least part-time. The pays still the same, but I love this guy. Yes, I’m already annoying him. Hang in there, Pokey, because Joe Friday’s coming! Yes, the Friday Report will be following the Durham Report to uncover more Obama wrongdoing in the fiction section of your local Barnes & Ignoble. Same Barr time, same Barr channel. For a recap, my friend doesn’t like how the whole Spygate thing started. Sorry, there’s no skip recap button. I’m working on it. I will admit the litany of FBI screwups on the surveillance of a sitting president, unintentional or otherwise, is stunning. My friend is finally coming around to his main point, namely, how wrongdoing begins and ends with Barack Hussien Obama. Why? Because he thinks there are too many mistakes to be a coincidence. Normally I’d agree, but have you tried to make some transactions lately or do something slightly complicated in what’s left of our country? Things were listing to port for many many years, but throw in some Drumpf and his cronies and—

[Michael Flynn-effect joke commuted, pardoned, and dismissed by the DOJ.]

Republicans Love Their Country Like A DV Perp Loves His Girlfriend

Happy codependence day! Yes, in 2020 we all have an unhealthy and abusive relationship with our country. While some of us are active enablers of encroaching authoritarianism, still others are trying to call 911 from their Seattle CHOP-zones. Neither makes a ton of sense, but what I want to know is this: how have those among us actively supporting tyrants been awarded a monopoly on patriotism? Is the problem really the folks tearing down monuments or the ones tearing down our institutions? I am patriotic, at least I tend to be when competent people are running our country, but a blind allegiance to any country is not nationalism, it’s dangerous. My friend and blogvesary touted his love of country over this independence weekend on FB, which immediately casts all the progressives in the comment thread as unpatriotic. This is interesting when, at least politically, my friend’s views are like if Neville Chamberlain had his spine and balls removed before being placed on a Soma Quualude IV drip. Supporting the worst president in this country’s history, a man who’s actively flexing his autocratic muscles, is not patriotism. Actively contributing to America’s decline via rallies, Mt. Rushmore, or megachurch gatherings does not represent patriotism in any way shape or forum. And my friend’s message of love is really a cover for an endless rightwing enabling campaign, marked by blind spots, cognitive distortions, biases, and an almost fanatical devotion to the dope.

[Spanish Inquisition joke removed and used as a playbook by the DOJ.]

Trump Offers Proof He Reads His Daily Briefs

Tweet Tower—President Trump has changed his position multiple times on whether or not he was briefed on Russian bounties being placed on the heads of US military troops in Afghanistan. Initially, Trump denied ever receiving the intelligence, then he admitted he had but that they were “not read to him out loud.” Yesterday, his story changed yet again to, “I received the briefing, but only read some of the words.” Today the president added, “When they said Bounty I was thinking about the quicker-picker-upper and my AWESOME paper towel chucking in Peurto Rica after Hurricane Maria.” Criticism of the president’s failure to read the intelligence briefing in its entirety prompted the president to address the issue, complete with visual aids, from the oval office. “I change my briefs every day, and I had them labeled so I am always using the right brief for the right day. The rest is a HOAX started by the liberal media!!”

Rolling Stones Detained! Trump Seizes Rights To Sympathy For The Devil, Under My Thumb, And Ventilator Blues

Tweet Tower—Rock legend, Mick Jagger, is being held without bail in the bowels of Tweet Tower and his bandmate, Keith Richards, is wanted for questioning after eluding police by jumping a fence and scaling the side of a six-story building. Amidst a DOJ investigation into the origins surrounding the FBI’s Trump-Russia probe, also known as Crossfire Hurricane, the Rolling Stones were named as Individuals 1-4 for coining that phrase in the early seventies. The President has used this fact to detain the rock legends while crafting an executive order to rob them of the rights to their own songs for upcoming Trump rallies.

US Beachgoers Offered Swim Up ICU Beds

The Shoreline—In anticipation of some summer splashing followed by some summer organ-crashing, the Red Cross along with the Coast Gaurd have pooled their resources to open up a special shoreside service for those sickened by coronavirus. Why let a virus wreck your fun this summer? Each offshore floating hospital is equipped with a fully functioning intensive care unit, designed to get you back to your vacation itinerary as fast as possible, or there’s speedy burial-at-sea options for those party poopers among us.

The Durham Report And The Spygate’s Last Gasp

My friend and blogvesary asked me to give his points about Spygate a fairer shake. Sure it’s mostly conspiracy theory scrawled across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard with a pre-sniffed Sharpie, but there is some clear irregularities that can’t be ignored. My friend is reasonable, so over the years he always lays out these red-meat-laden theories and I research them. But this is also why I have such a healthy fear of following him, once again, down the rabid hole. Since they’re typically distractions, I tend to shut them down sooner than traitor. It’s like hearing how the moon landing was faked, then, years later, we go to the moon and there’s a pizza parlor where Hillary is running a child sex ring out of the basement. Yeah, it’s like that… Anything being espoused on Hannity each night seems automatically meritless to me, yet only a Sith deals in absolutes. As for Spygate, why couldn’t the FBI pick an issue, a lie, a white-collar crime, a quid pro quo, a collusive conclusive moment, to make their case? With so much wrongdoing to choose from, how do you not meet the level of a FISA warrant, indefinitely? You had Gotham’s Orange Cheetoh in your crossfire hurricane hairs and you missed. Pokey sent along some questions and some links for review. Two links touched on Obama spying, aka Halper and Misfud, so I worked them into my answers—covertly, of course, without proper FISA permissions. He sent over a Hill link, nice, but here’s a much a better one, here. Why do I have to do your job for you, Poke? His other two sources were The Federalist, uggg, and Wikipedia—which I use too but prefer the Star Wars version, Wookepedia.

“Surveil or surveil not, there is no spy.” Yoda

Mothman Statue Toppled For Its Stance On ‘Light Bulbs Matter’

Point Pleasant, WV—To the backdrop of throngs of crazed, statue-toppling progressives, the Mothman statue that once stood at the heart of downtown Point Pleasant is no more. Mothman, a known larvae-owner with ties to both Mothra and the BeheMoth, was also despised for his role as a key member of the Light Bulbs Matter movement. The president tweeted today, “I remember when Mothman showed up in West Vagina, followed by Godzilla and that three-headed dragon thing. I know it was a tough time for everyone involved, but there were good cryptids on both sides of those protests.”