First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

Tampa, FL – “We may have bitten off more than we can chew,” stated CEO Bernie Hamilton.

Only an estimated one-in-thirty Floridians are desperate enough to eat people wafers.

“We will need that number to double in the coming months to really make this a go,” added Hamilton.

The economy is not the problem.

“It’s failing just fine, but people are just not embracing cannibalism as quickly as hoped.”

The grizzly discovery of a fingernail in one of the popular Triple Ss (the Soylent Steak Sandwich) has not helped the company’s image. Mr. Hamilton remains undaunted.

“You can’t make people omelets without breaking a few legs.”

Solyent Green, Inc. maintains that the clipping in question was a only a Lee Press-on Nail and was not technically human remains. When asked if it was a mistake leveling with the American people about the main ingredient in Soylent Green, Hamilton had this to say.

“Absolutely not.  For those still unsure, SGI is offering Soylent shakes with only half the human remains as the wafer variety.”

This marketing strategy is hoped to wean people onto their products.  Hamilton admitted the billboard ads ‘Grandpa, the Other White Meat’ and ‘Flesh is Good Food’, may have been a marketing foible.  The billboards have since been pulled and the government funding is hoped to kick off the more sensitive ad: ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, So We Are Having X-mas Dinner After All.’

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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