Opinions on Politics by a Non-Voter

Tony Ballz

Well, finally this election bullshit is over. You people give me a goddamn headache. As if it remotely matters which puppet we elect. Remember: Whoever you vote for, a politician wins. Pleasant dreams.

“‘I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs!’ ‘I think the puppet on the left  is more to my liking!’ Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding up both puppets … ‘Shut up! Go back to bed America, your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection, watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way … keep drinking beer, you fucking morons!'”

—Bill Hicks

If Barack Obama were white, the Tea Party would not exist.

Can someone out there admit that “conservative” just means “polite racist”? Hmm? If it doesn’t, then how come the majority of them are rich white assholes? And the remainder are poor dumb uneducated yokels, superstitious and easily led and coincidentally also white?

Just once I want to hear a conservative say: “You know what? I don’t like Mexicans. Just don’t like ’em. Don’t like the way they talk, smell or walk. Don’t like the food they eat, the music they listen to or the clothes they wear. Don’t want ’em in my neighborhood or going to school with my kids. Black people neither.”

Wouldn’t that be refreshing? It’s what they’re thinking anyway, so couldn’t they just be honest? “Immigration is an economic issue!” Horse puckey. Just say it: “Even though our ancestors killed their ancestors and stole their land, I still don’t like ’em and I don’t want one of ’em screwing my daughter!” There, don’t you feel better?

And before you Republicans get your money clips in a ruffle, let’s not forget about Democrats: the most ineffectual, wishy-washy, limp-dicked nimrods in America. Hey, you guys know why conservatives end up in control most of the time? Because they make a decision and then put up a unified front to support it. Even if what they are supporting is completely misguided and wrong. Which, in the case of Republicans, it usually is. Learn.

Anyone who gets excited about a politician is an idiot, unless he/she is going to give you a blowjob or a million bucks or both. These people do not have your best interests at heart, unless you’re sitting on an ass-ton of money. If you are not, THEY HATE YOU. Even if you voted for them. Then they’re laughing at you, too.

America is the only developed country on Earth that deifies politicians as we do. Europeans are fully aware that their elected officials are pusbags, and they treat them as such, lower than janitors. You know what the French used to do? If they didn’t like what their rulers were up to, they chopped their fucking heads off. That wasn’t very long ago, either. It gives their modern politicians a little perspective.

Here in the U.S., both sides are so extreme: “Obama is our SAVIOR! He’s going to make EVERYTHING all right again! We will live in peace and harmony with all our brothers, even the rich white assholes! Free money! Free dope! …I think I just came!”

Versus: “Obama’s not just a politician … He’s the Antichrist! Aaagh! Armageddon! 12-12-12! Where’s my Bible? I think I just saw a locust! We’re sorry, Jesus! Buddha! Allah! Krishna! Yahweh! Whatever God gay people and Mexicans pray to! Eeaagggh! Spiderman, HELP US!”

Can y’all just calm down, please?

I would hope that if the antichrist shows up, he would be a creature worthy of my fear and respect. Like I would take one look at him and scream HOLY FUCK! and shit my pants on the spot and collapse in a quivering heap pleading for my eternal soul. Strangely enough, Barack Obama doesn’t inspire that in me. He’s just kind of a lame ineffectual doofus. Seriously, if he’s the antichrist, this apocalypse thing is going to be a breeze. We may not even have to put our shoes on.

Then there’s this happy horseshit: “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain!”

Nope, it’s the other way around. I’m with George Carlin on this one: If you vote, you have no right to complain about the government because YOU put these people in power. If you don’t vote, you have EVERY right to complain. Makes sense, no? As if your vote actually counts. That would mean we live in a democracy. AH-HAHAHAHAHA! We don’t.

Or this: “It’s the only system we have! We MUST support it!”

Suck my left one. It’s a deeply corrupt system that does not work, and your participation pretty much guarantees it will stay that way forever. We’re supposed to have the power to change these things if we don’t like them, right?

“Obama’s a Muslim!”

OK, let me get this straight: On September 11, 2001, Muslim terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center, killing thousands of innocent lives … and then a scant seven years later, the American public elects a Muslim as president? (Buzzer sound.)

I’m sorry, WRONG ANSWER! Dumbasses.

Politicians like things in black and white so they can tell who the enemy is and the location of the home team. This is important: they want you to choose a side. Don’t do it. Yes/No. Black/White. Liberal/Conservative. You’re for George Bush/You hate America. As if every question has only two answers: affirmative or negative. They need us polarized so we can fight over meaningless details and kill each other so they don’t have to. Come on, just play along!

If anyone out there is mad that Obama is in office, you have one man to blame: George W. Bush. In 2008, the Republican party ran their best guy for president: John McCain, a conservative who makes liberals all gooey inside, the only Republican presidential candidate since Eisenhower without that little whiff of Satan about him, a man who said “Fuck you” to a fellow Republican senator ON THE SENATE FLOOR WHILE IN SESSION, a prisoner of war who was tortured for seven years and never opened his mouth, that rarest of specimens: a politician with integrity, someone who ordinarily would have swept any election…

Except the one he was in. The American public looked at their two choices in 2008 and said, “Yeah, sorry John. You’re probably the most honest politician we’ll ever see in our lifetime, but ol’ Dubya was such a piece of shit for the last eight years that we have to go with the black guy whose middle name is hussein and whose last name is one letter away from Osama, our two worst enemies. Better luck next time, bub. If you’re still alive.”

I can picture the big cheese Republicans begging McCain to run, appealing to his patriotism: “Please John, please John, please John, please please please PLEASE, JOHN! WE CAN’T LET THE NIGGER WIN! PLEEEEEEEEASE!”

Fuck Obama. Fuck Dubya. Fuck Clinton. Fuck Bush. Fuck Reagan. Fuck Carter. Fuck Ford. Fuck Nixon. Fuck ’em all. You voted for these shitheads, not me. Has your life gotten measurably better under any of them?

If you happen to be a rich white asshole, please ignore that last question.

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