The Lottery as an Investment Strategy

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors…you know, the Middle Class.

As this week’s Mega Millions is exceeding all expectations and is now at 650 miwwiyun dowwas, I know intellectually I stand a better chance of a faith healer kick starting my pancreas with a laying on of hands than actually winning it. “Oh ye of faith, pray ye to God that insulin shall flow and Twinkies and Coke shall be imbibed with no ill effects…praise the Lord.”

I may fully understand my chances, yet still participate all the same. On my favorite TV show (Fox Business Channel), Stewart Varney had a ‘numbers expert’ on and he said the odds were now 1 in about 175 million, and we shouldn’t bother. That’s less chance than our own Mick Zano shutting the hell up about Fox during any given week.

Varney asked this number guru if someone would win. He said “Oh yes, at some point you will have a winner.” Varney then asked him if he had partaken of this week’s game. “Of course,” said he.

I rest my case. With the winnings this big, all the networks had to trot out all the stories of life gone wrong because of winning the lottery. In watching all these stories, I realized that all these people had at least one of three things in common. Not a full set of teeth, exceedingly low I.Q., and/or family members willing to kill for a cut. Like the man who got robbed of $576 thousand in cash-AT A STRIP CLUB! Okay, we know the first question, just how many fucking lap dances did you think you were getting that day, Stiffy McHornbag?

Then there was the tragedy of a guy losing his wife and daughter to overdose. “Geeh, my wife and kid are hooked big time, should I send them to the best rehab? Naaah, I’ll just give them a shitload of cash and things will just work themselves out.” Or remember the guy whose sister-in-law and her ‘boyfriend’ kidnapped and killed him in a botched attempt at a payoff. “We never liked her anyway.”

How about the guy that lost millions in Vegas. Or the guy that “just lost track of the money.” Don’t worry, that one has a happy ending. Obama is working on an economic czar position for that dude.

See the common thread here? Stu-fucking-pidity. It’s just like giving millions to young athletes, or to child stars (also known as the Lohan Effect). It usually doesn’t end well. As I’ve said before, there should be a test before anyone receives large sums of money. If you are too stoopid, you have to hire a business manager who has to report to a court monthly (aka, if you’re a public douche, you need a public fidusch). You would be given an ‘allowance’ commensurate with your past experiences of handling money. Investing and budgeting classes would be mandatory.

If you’re stupid, you will end up with relatives coming out of the woodwork in waves, daily robberies of your home, and small unruly armies camped out in your yard that make Oakland’s Occupy movement seem well organized. And absolutely know when to say ‘NO’. They say that a fool and his money are soon parted. Yeah, like the friggin Red Sea.

I can see it now, the TV interview with the winner. It will be either the old person who will still go to work daily cause it’s wut ah do, or the toothless yahoo with a third grade edumacashun, dressed in his Sunday-go-to-meetin’ clean t shirt, planning to ‘bondo-up the Pinto’ with his extra cash.

I cry every time I see that happen—every time some idiot with long hair and an AC/DC t-shirt gets handed that big fake check and, when asked what he’s going to do with the money, invariably says, “gonna paaaaaaarty!” while holding up the Metal hand sign.

See, in my world the check issuer would snatch it back, right then, and clock him on the head with it and say, “I think not, asshole.”

You do get the ones that tell you they would “give most of it away to charity” and “keep just a little for myself.” Bullshit. On a local TV news show, three regular news people were sitting around the set near the end of the broadcast. One said he would donate “at least half” to some heretofore unknown charity. Another said she would, “Buy my family new houses and put all the kids through college.”

The last one turned to the camera just as the show is coming to an end and with a crooked smile said, “Oh, I will be needing a MUCH bigger garage…”

My thoughts exactly.

The Crank

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