Nowhere, AZ — Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don’t care how any of you rat-bastards are doing in FarmVille and/or Mafia Wars; and, no, I don’t want to play. You’re all doped up on goofballs. What the hell is FarmVille, anyway?! Wait, don’t answer that. In this instance, the Crank is right—I can’t handle the truth.

What in God’s name is this thing called Facebook? I find myself in this virtual wasteland a couple of times a week now, but only out of some inexplicable compulsion akin to rubbernecking at an accident scene. Maybe I don’t want to be in a chat group with my dealer, my bookie, my ex-girlfriends, and my children. Call me crazy! (They often do…) 

Recently, the top of my Yahoo email page has been afflicted with a series of chat windows that have been popping up like social viruses. They’re also appearing on the side of my Yahoo email page, and, of course, the other side of my Yahoo email page. The only one I actually want to talk to is the really hot one on the right, who apparently lives right next door and is waiting to talk to me (I remain suspicious). In addition, I can also get ongoing updates from any number of people who I don’t care to chat with. No doubt they’re writing to share their FarmVille scores or send me a virtual cow. It is so heart warming to have so many ways to ignore all of you people!

I also get the same three dweebs that I don’t want as friends popping up all the time.

Facebook keeps going, “You have 72 mutual friends with such-and-such. Why the fuck aren’t you friends yet?!”

Of course, Facebook doesn’t drop the F-bomb, but it’s implied.

Hmmm, maybe because he owes me money and she’s a bitch! So why do I have to look at their faces every time I log onto this damn thing? Isn’t there a “Block Bitches and Pricks” button thingie? AHHHHhhhahhahhhhhahh!

Besides, I tried to become friends with Sarah Palin (really), and she denied me! Me! Mick Zano II. No one denies me! I’m bewildered at how 370,000 people are joining this thing every day. That’s way more than the Daily Discord! Leave it to the world to embrace suckage. Crap is king. Well, the Ghetto Shaman’s articles aren’t half bad.

Truth be told, I’m really not that angry – but Winslow says I need more “passion” in my work. He always liked The Crank best. OK, maybe not.

But, there certainly is some truth to my dismay with this strange forum on these internets, which I am told is a series of tubes.  My college friends – including many of the Discordians – had this great chat forum where the witty nonsense flowed like cheap beer at a kegger. Now, it’s like going into an empty house. No one is there. Everyone lives in this silly place where endless deranged and mindless people comment on unimaginably huge swaths of mundane nonsense (UHSMN). 

Here’s the kicker: when one of my friends actually says something profound, witty, or meaningful, no one comments. But if someone happens to post some inane status update like “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil,” a wave of interested parties will emerge from this “series of tubes.” On a good day, “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil” will draw anywhere from 3 to 6 people chiming in that they Like This Comment. Only one person commented on our latest masterful Photoshop wizardry, that Gandalf Balrog Obamacare thingie. (Hat tip: Sean.) The one person who did comment was asked to do so, by me, for the low, low price of one beer. 

I am going to put my theory to the test. This article will post long after my happy little experiment, so I am going to post “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil” on Facebook and see who comments. I will resume this article in three days.  Here goes; may fortune favor the Facebook…

[fear and loathing in some coffee shop]

I’m back early (premature e-chatulation). I just wanted to let you all know that on Sunday at 12:48PM, I posted, “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil.” That was truly distasteful; much like Dave Atsals’ work. I feel so dirty…

I would rather be actually putting lard on a cat’s boil than posting on Facebook, but my endless truth-seeking is a key characteristic of my fictitious persona. I will check back in three days and relay the results.

[fear and loathing in some coffee shop: revisited]

Before I left the coffee shop, I just had to check. Within one hour, I had a comment – from Winslow’s wife! No shit. So far one person Likes This. 

[son of “fear and loathing in some coffee shop”]

Here are the results, in all of their glory: er, one comment. Now, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have posted this. I should have had one of my lamer friends post this—the ones who might actually post the fact that they are happily “putting lard on the cat’s boil” and feel compelled to share this tidbit of mundania with the masses. But, c’est la vie. No one believed I was actually doing this, and it’s almost funny – thus, it was rightfully ignored.

Now, let’s review: Sean Kelsey’s Photoshop masterpiece in the Daily Discord got one coerced vote that cost me a beer, while “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil” garnered 100% more unsolicited votes, and quicker to boot. But wait, there’s more! Whereas I only have a few friends (sad, but true), the Daily Discord has gazillions of Facebook fans. OK, half a gazillion if you carry the one. So to beat you over the head with this: I trounced the Discord’s finest Photoshop joke in recent weeks—by 100%—with “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil.”

Facebook is the work of the devil!

I think John Bender had Facebook in mind when he said, “It’s demented and sad, but social.” 

Don’t even get me started on Twitter…

My First Impression of Joining Facebook You all look, er…great!