Tweet Tower—President Trump was all smiles today as he unveiled the three potential prototypes for his Great Wall of Stupid. The President told the press, “I call the one that looks like an old Bavarian-style castle, Wall Disney. It’s amazing! Amazing! But I really love the yuuge gold wall design, because, as Ivanka tells me, it will match all regions of the southwest, any season. If we choose that one, I’m using the same folks who installed my golden thrown over at Trump Tower. Great people. The third choice doesn’t look as pretty, but it’s a structure patterned after the wall on Skull Island, the one that kept out King Kong. So it’s bigly durable. I’m really in love with all of them and I look forward to the final selection and then the construction of said wall, by liberals, who will be forced to build this monstrosity. And the Mexicans will be paying for the liberals who will be building the wall …on weekends.”
Tweet Tower—President Trump is not afraid to use the bully pulpit to push his agenda, but will he soon be bullying the Gloroius Leader of North Korea, literally? The White House has confirmed the military is reviewing scenarios for carrying out both the Noogie and the Wedgie. When Defense Secretary General James Mattis was asked about deploying the Wet Willy or the dreaded Purple Nurple, he said, “As for North Korea, no options are off the table. If called to do so, our Special Forces can execute incredibly painful and long-lasting Purple Nurples. This is the stuff we train for.”
Tweet Tower—The Trump Organization is looking to borrow money from the Kremlin to help transform downtown Houston from its current soggy state to a lush and sprawling golf course resort. Many are calling this win, win, unless you happen to own property in an existing water hazard. President Trump pitched the idea to Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner at a ballgame today, during a flood delay. The President believes an elite golf course with this many natural water hazards will attract “some of the best golfers across the globe. The best!”
Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Rockville, MD—Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”
Kauai, HI—This trip proved the most challenging for team Search Truth Quest, at least financially. We would make both cryptozoological history as well as history of our flex funds. For this journey STQ was on the hunt for two Hawaiian heavyweights: a tribe of hobbits known as the Menehune as well as a 12-foot guardian lizard known as the Mo’o. Our CEO and primary funder, Pierce Winslow, figured it would be cheaper if we pulled a mythological twofer. He paid for our flights, our accommodations, and all the Ramen we could stuff into our carry-ons. We needed to recover from our last disastrous trek to the Dominican Republic. There was a lot on the line for this one, because the search for the truth in quest form must continue.
Seattle, WA—Amazon announced plans to acquire the Whole Foods grocery chain for a cost of nearly 14-billion dollars. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is already on the defensive about the move and is attempting to quell mounting fears. “Amazon is not going to dispense of shoplifters in Robocop fashion and we are certainly not going to replace workers with hipster dronebots,” said Bezos. “I admit our initial wave of food deliveries have not worked with our existing system, because it was designed for non-perishables. And, although our drone fleet will likely increase breakage slightly, it is projected to significantly reduce instances of E. coli and botulism. I realize there is also concerns our employees will lose benefits, but I can assure you our workers will enjoy constant software upgrades and periodic lubrication breaks. I would also like to dispel the rumor that we will be shifting to a virtual shopping system by the fall. Oh, and we are not changing the name the chain to CyberFoodsConsolidated.com …just yet.”
Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”
Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”