Sarajevo, Bosnia—President Trump’s not so great grandfather, Friedrich Von Trumpenstein, was questioned after the slaying of the heir to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian empire, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, on Fifth Avenue. History claims a 19-year-old Bosnian was the shooter, but others claim Trumpenstein was named as a co-conspirator in the incident, or ‘Individual 1’ in the court documents of the day. The assassination eventually led to WWI, which led to WWII, which led to arguably the worst outcome: Pearl Harbor (2001) starring Ben Affleck. Witnesses to the incident claim a second shot rang out from a nearby grassy knoll, because that shit seems to happen in these situations. Others implicated in the shooting were: the Watchmen’s Comedian, the Smoking Man from the X-Files, and LBJ’s uncle Droop B. Johnson.
A one hundred day nap ended today, when congressman Jack S. Van Winkle (R-NE) awoke to join the rest of his party in condemning the “sham of an impeachment hearing that’s sullying America’s good name.” The congressman from Nebraska admits he overslept a bit, “I know the votes just ended, but I still want my voice to be heard! No collusion, no obstruction, no quid pro Joe! Make America Late Again!”
Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.
Liberal-leaning engineers are covertly altering coastal drainage plans to influence which political districts will be most impacted by rising sea levels. Directing our ocean waters into key swing districts through District Drainage Manipulation (DDM) could all but eliminate the unfair voter-redistricting advantage currently enjoyed by Republicans. This important initiative does not have to seek the approval of the Supreme Court, unless we direct some of the seawater into their chambers, of course, ha ha (which is actually part of phase II. Phase III involves some beachfront property that sounds like Bar-a-Blotto). Weaponizing coastal flooding is not a new idea—well, maybe it is—but the concept of District Drainage Manipulation has many left-wingers wondering, “why not make that blue wave happen one way or another?” The pilot is set to occur along the New Jersey shore. Many of today’s music greats are already on-board and are organizing a massive Live Aid-style concert this summer to fund Project Oceanmandering at Seaside Heights, NJ. Rumor has it they have settled on the name Flood The Vote.
Washington—Don’t get too excited, folks, although Robert Mueller has agreed to testify before two separate house committees on July 17th, the Special Counsel has already been fitted with the latest voice-redaction-software known to man, or VRS. Mueller argues he needs this software to be sure he doesn’t say anything relevant to the most critical investigation in recent U.S. history. He also wants to avoid commenting on any of the president’s Gazillions of Dr. Evil-like pending investigations. He told the press, “My nearly 500 hundred page legalese opus, based on David Lynch’s Klingon adaptation of Finnegans Wake, speaks for itself. Oh, and I picked up the voice-redaction-software, cheap, from the same guy who sold Hillary Clinton that BleachBit to wipe her private server.”
Tweet Tower—After President Trump’s recent proposal to end the government shutdown failed to budge key Democrats, the president has called for an emergency meeting with all the best actors who have portrayed presidents in film. Our commander in chief understands the very real tension between himself and the majority of Hollywood, but in a presidential tweet he implored them to set aside their difference for the ‘greater great’. Trump asked each of them in the midst of this self-induced crisis to discuss the very real role he must play in the days and weeks to come. The president tweeted: I know some of you don’t get how great I am, but this is important!! And there’s still McDonald’s leftovers from that Clemson thing! #McLeftovers.
In 2018 fascism is one of those terms thrust into the heart of the American scheissgeist and Albright’s book on the subject Fascism: A Warning offers a historical overview of when conditions turn toward such tyranny. She personalizes her own family’s account of fleeing Czechoslovakia to stay one step ahead of the Third Reich. Today, the Republicans want to flip the script and paint liberals as the fascists. This is not without precedent, as fascism can come from both sides, as Albright covers Chavez’s antics in Venezuela (take your own HOA for example, a truly bipartisan evil). Conservative’s attempt to cast liberals in the role of the villains today is laughable. Rightwing media keeps harping on recent collegiate instances of safe space speech suppression (SS²). The Republican’s fear of Antifa is overblown, and their own capabilities in this area are greatly minimized. But false equivalencies have always been the conservative’s bread and Buchenwald. Whereas progressives in this country don’t seem to vote for their worst common denominators, conservatives seem hell bent on the practice. Albright’s work equates Fascism to a soup, a soup that requires certain societal ingredients before it starts to simmer. Is it Nazi soup yet in America? There’s certainly a foul odor coming from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. Whether or not our republic has the time to add something a little more Progresso to the mix leaves to be seen.
Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?
Cairo, EG—The earliest-known individually-wrapped cheese slice was discovered during a recent Egyptian cheesecavation on the Giza platter. The newly unearthed tomb of Tutankraftun Havarti II also points to the existence of a ruler named Ahkenckolbyparmen III. This little-known pharaoh was apparently the first to combine parmigiano-reggiano in the same container for widespread distribution throughout the coveted Trans-Asiago Trader Joe’s route. Soon after, parmaceuticals became the scourge of the ancient world.