Best Of

Best of

Trump Draws Record Crowds In Mordor’s Mt. Doom District

South of the Mordor—After abandoning his stint of self-hydroxychyquarantine, President Trump is back on the campaign trail! Before visiting the even-lower-48, the president rallied to the backdrop of endless hordes of Orcs, Trolls, and Wargs in the very shadow of Mt. Doom. By all accounts, this Middle-Earth rally drew the largest crowds Trump has ever assembled. Unfortunately, anyone sent to calculate actual crowd size was disemboweled and/or eaten. Trump himself offered his own assessment, “This event dwarfed the whole thing with the dwarves. It was YUGE! Forget dwarves, it was like those things bigger than dwarves …FAT DWARVES!! #MorbidlyOberon.”

Discord Travel Offering Cheap ‘Extended’ Cruises To Wuhan, China

Port of Los Angeles—Why not take advantage of some killer discounts being offered, right now, through Discord Travel? Take a cruise from L.A. to China and head up the Yangtze River to Wuhan, and maybe back! If that’s not enough to quarint—I mean, entice you, on the return trip you get an extended stay just off the coast of California absolutely free! You have the best excuse to miss work and just hangout on board, while some of our other guests wait for connecting flights to the afterlife and beyond. Why not take someone in your inner circle who’s really getting on your nerves lately? What about aunt whats’r name? She’s a bitch and she’s over 60, aka the best people to bring on this stricken voyage of opportunity!

Rise Of The Integral Superlib? Disparate Times Call For Despot Measures

Zano Nation, activate, form of authoritarian savior! Despite my last post, I do consider myself a patriot, except during three of the last six Superbowls. At the very least I love this planet, the one on which my country happens to reside. Did I not root for Earth in the movie Independence Day, Earth vs the Flying Saucers, Battlefield Earth, Earth vs The Spider (the original and the MST version), not to mention every War of Worlds movie ever made, even the one with Tom Cruise? Let that sink in for a minute …even the one with Tom Cruise. But today insight itself is shunned, which is just what the giant spider wants! My blogging started as a condemnation of republican thought since as far back as the premiere of American Idol. I still believe, Sanjaya! But, if our democracy is determined to shift toward a more imperial presidency, why not prop up a progressive Ubermensch over a deplorable one? Let’s imagine a world run by a more spiritually-centered, liberal fascist …you know, a better despot, a leader who both lifts and separates …wait, or is that from those Cross Your Heart Bra commercials? If we’re deadset on despotism, let’s upgrade MAGA to Make Autocracies Great Again. Why have an Ass-clown Hitler when we could install a Dalai Stalin, or a Gengis Gandhi, or even a Lenin Lennon?

[I’m being told to stop. I’m being Yoko Amin’d.]

This Day In History: Trump’s Relative Detained For Questioning After Assassination Of Archduke Ferdinand

Sarajevo, Bosnia—President Trump’s not so great grandfather, Friedrich Von Trumpenstein, was questioned after the slaying of the heir to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian empire, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, on Fifth Avenue. History claims a 19-year-old Bosnian was the shooter, but others claim Trumpenstein was named as a co-conspirator in the incident, or ‘Individual 1’ in the court documents of the day. The assassination eventually led to WWI, which led to WWII, which led to arguably the worst outcome: Pearl Harbor (2001) starring Ben Affleck. Witnesses to the incident claim a second shot rang out from a nearby grassy knoll, because that shit seems to happen in these situations. Others implicated in the shooting were: the Watchmen’s Comedian, the Smoking Man from the X-Files, and LBJ’s uncle Droop B. Johnson.

Rep. Van Winkle Awakens After 100 Day Impeachment Slumber To Cast ‘No’ Vote

A one hundred day nap ended today, when congressman Jack S. Van Winkle (R-NE) awoke to join the rest of his party in condemning the “sham of an impeachment hearing that’s sullying America’s good name.” The congressman from Nebraska admits he overslept a bit, “I know the votes just ended, but I still want my voice to be heard! No collusion, no obstruction, no quid pro Joe! Make America Late Again!”

AG Barr Blames Epstein’s Death Behind Bars On Epstein-Barr

Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.

Oceanmandering? Can Liberals Fight Gerrymandering Through Guided Sea Level Rise

Liberal-leaning engineers are covertly altering coastal drainage plans to influence which political districts will be most impacted by rising sea levels. Directing our ocean waters into key swing districts through District Drainage Manipulation (DDM) could all but eliminate the unfair voter-redistricting advantage currently enjoyed by Republicans. This important initiative does not have to seek the approval of the Supreme Court, unless we direct some of the seawater into their chambers, of course, ha ha (which is actually part of phase II. Phase III involves some beachfront property that sounds like Bar-a-Blotto). Weaponizing coastal flooding is not a new ideawell, maybe it isbut the concept of District Drainage Manipulation has many left-wingers wondering, “why not make that blue wave happen one way or another?” The pilot is set to occur along the New Jersey shore. Many of today’s music greats are already on-board and are organizing a massive Live Aid-style concert this summer to fund Project Oceanmandering at Seaside Heights, NJ. Rumor has it they have settled on the name Flood The Vote.

Mueller Equipped With Self-Vocal-Redaction Software For Upcoming Committee Hearings

Washington—Don’t get too excited, folks, although Robert Mueller has agreed to testify before two separate house committees on July 17th, the Special Counsel has already been fitted with the latest voice-redaction-software known to man, or VRS. Mueller argues he needs this software to be sure he doesn’t say anything relevant to the most critical investigation in recent U.S. history. He also wants to avoid commenting on any of the president’s Gazillions of Dr. Evil-like pending investigations. He told the press, “My nearly 500 hundred page legalese opus, based on David Lynch’s Klingon adaptation of Finnegans Wake, speaks for itself. Oh, and I picked up the voice-redaction-software, cheap, from the same guy who sold Hillary Clinton that BleachBit to wipe her private server.”

Trump Holds Emergency Summit With Actors Who Portrayed Presidents In Film

Tweet Tower—After President Trump’s recent proposal to end the government shutdown failed to budge key Democrats, the president has called for an emergency meeting with all the best actors who have portrayed presidents in film. Our commander in chief understands the very real tension between himself and the majority of Hollywood, but in a presidential tweet he implored them to set aside their difference for the ‘greater great’. Trump asked each of them in the midst of this self-induced crisis to discuss the very real role he must play in the days and weeks to come. The president tweeted: I know some of you don’t get how great I am, but this is important!! And there’s still McDonald’s leftovers from that Clemson thing! #McLeftovers.  

A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’

In 2018 fascism is one of those terms thrust into the heart of the American scheissgeist and Albright’s book on the subject Fascism: A Warning offers a historical overview of when conditions turn toward such tyranny. She personalizes her own family’s account of fleeing Czechoslovakia to stay one step ahead of the Third Reich. Today, the Republicans want to flip the script and paint liberals as the fascists. This is not without precedent, as fascism can come from both sides, as Albright covers Chavez’s antics in Venezuela (take your own HOA for example, a truly bipartisan evil). Conservative’s attempt to cast liberals in the role of the villains today is laughable. Rightwing media keeps harping on recent collegiate instances of safe space speech suppression (SS²). The Republican’s fear of Antifa is overblown, and their own capabilities in this area are greatly minimized. But false equivalencies have always been the conservative’s bread and Buchenwald. Whereas progressives in this country don’t seem to vote for their worst common denominators, conservatives seem hell bent on the practice. Albright’s work equates Fascism to a soup, a soup that requires certain societal ingredients before it starts to simmer. Is it Nazi soup yet in America? There’s certainly a foul odor coming from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. Whether or not our republic has the time to add something a little more Progresso to the mix leaves to be seen.