Best Of

Best of

Earliest Known Individually-Wrapped Cheese Discovered In The Tomb Of Tutankraftun Havarti II

Cairo, EG—The earliest-known individually-wrapped cheese slice was discovered during a recent Egyptian cheesecavation on the Giza platter. The newly unearthed tomb of Tutankraftun Havarti II also points to the existence of a ruler named Ahkenckolbyparmen III. This little-known pharaoh was apparently the first to combine parmigiano-reggiano in the same container for widespread distribution throughout the coveted Trans-Asiago Trader Joe’s route. Soon after, parmaceuticals became the scourge of the ancient world.

Trump Demands Disney Budgets 2% Of Annual Earnings For Defense

Tweet Tower—Following a tone set at the last NATO summit, President Trump is now pressuring the Walt Disney Company to markedly increase its defense spending. The news came after the president was told the company currently sets aside no funds to protecting itself from domestic threats like Time Warner and Universal Studios or foreign threats like Sony and Canada’s Wonderland. The president is no longer willing to defend parts of the Disney compound and thinks it’s time they paid their fair share. The president seems particularly hostile toward Disneyland, which is located in a district he lost to Hillary Clinton in the general election by over 30 points.

White House Needs “Bigger Bus” To Throw People Under

Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, “You folks hired the ‘You’re Fired’ guy, so this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the UN the day after she said it. I also have Kelly, Pruitt, Carson, and many others on deck. Remember the movie Jaws? It’s like that. I looked out the window yesterday and I told my favorite staffer, Bob, or John, or Ted or something, we’re going to need a bigger bus. The biggest bus. The best bus!”

Falling Chinese Space Station Set To Obliterate Mar-a-Lago!

Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump is reportedly “furious” with the news of the current trajectory of the Chinese space station, the Tiangong-1. Current data from both the China National Space Administration and NASA estimates the decaying orbit of the doomed space lab will end on April 1st directly over Trump’s prized resort, Mar-a-Lago. The Chinese government is maintaining their story that this is an “uncontrolled re-entry” and later added the word, “Oopsies”.

The Shart Of The Deal

Republicans want us to believe they’re the common sense people, and that they alone know how the ‘real world’ works. They then proceed to elect the two most incurious presidents in our nation’s history, consecutively. Doesn’t Occam’s razor suggest something different? My blogvesary, Pokey, doesn’t think so, and he also feels I haven’t offered enough historical context for my arguments. Conservatives apparently need a genre-specific landscape painted for them. Nopointillism? Why would anyone need more brush strokes in the USA today? Perhaps my friend thinks Trump is God’s instrument. Yeah, well one man’s instrument is another man’s tool. In lieu of addressing the political challenge of our time, namely his choice for president, he continues to attempt to reanimate a series of zombie scandals. As for the actual bona fide scandals of today, to quote my friend Ling Carter, “If you can’t connect these dots, we’re going to need to order some larger dots.”

Most Complete Snuffleupagus Remains Discovered In Northern Alaska

The Frozen North—At the edge of the permafrost region of the Alaskan Arctic Circle-K, just north of the Home Depot, a group of intrepid explorers have discovered the best preserved remains of the elusive Snuffleupagus. Expedition head Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, told reporters, “This discovery changes everything we know about early Pleistocene Muppets. For one thing, it looks like they could fly short distances and, apparently, they liked to hang out deep inside of glaciers. It also means I never should have prescribed all those injectable anti-psychotics for his friend Big Bird. Oh well, live and learn.” Dr. Hogbein was later found in downtown Anchorage asking locals, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No, really. It’s for science.”

Today’s Zyprexa injection was brought to you by the letter Z.

For Partial Government Shutdown Only Lincoln And Roosevelt Viewable At Mount Rushmore

National Parksylvania—If the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees, and available vistas. For example, if you climb into the Grand Canyon and then the partial shutdown hits, you would not be allowed to climb back out. In Wyoming at the Grand Teton National Park, only one of the Great Tits would be displayed. Even more disturbing, the necessary geological mastectomy to remove the other mound may tally in the billions. At Yosemite National Park you can get into the scenic valley, but the famous Bridalveil Falls will be turned off with a giant spigot installed during the partial government shutdown of 2013.

116 Nurses File Action Lawsuits Against Decorated Korean War Army Surgeon Hawkeye Pierce

Barely Legal South Korea—Over one hundred former army nurses stationed at the 4077th M*A*S*H unit have filed class action lawsuits against now 93-year-old Dr. Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce. All of the incidents occurred during the Korean War and the charges range from creating a hostile work environment, to inappropriate jokes, to outright assaults. Dr. Pierce is denying the allegations despite a mountain of video evidence that aired on CBS between 1972 and 1983. Thelma Johnson a 92-year old survivor of the series is accusing the surgeon of making frequent suggestive and lude comments that made her feel uncomfortable. Johnson told the Discord today, “Hawkeye once …well, just watch the episode that I’m in. He was always crossing lines, and not just of the 38th-parallel-north variety. He once considered a penis transplant just for the physical therapy. Freak!” #M*A*S*H*Too

A Review Of Ken Wilber’s ‘Trump And A Post-Truth World’: Or, How I Stopped Evolving And Learned To Love The Trump

Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an ‘integral’ part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebser’s work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor of lib coaching (Summary Alert: with deeper levels of consciousness, comes greater responsibility). In Trump And A Post-Truth World, Wilber labels the main pitfall of liberals as ‘aperspectival madness’, or how pluralism (moral-relativism) has paved the way for this truthless post-modern landscape. Progressives tend to insist that all perspectives are equal and, in such a world, truth itself dissolves into an egalitarian nightmare. He also points to the onslaught of fake news as contributing to the problem and how search engines are weaponizing shitty viewpoints by trading meaning for popularity. He rails against click-bait, which *cough* reminds me, before reading further please like and share my Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels.

Trump Unveils Potential Border Wall Prototypes!

Tweet Tower—President Trump was all smiles today as he unveiled the three potential prototypes for his Great Wall of Stupid. The President told the press, “I call the one that looks like an old Bavarian-style castle, Wall Disney. It’s amazing! Amazing! But I really love the yuuge gold wall design, because, as Ivanka tells me, it will match all regions of the southwest, any season. If we choose that one, I’m using the same folks who installed my golden thrown over at Trump Tower. Great people. The third choice doesn’t look as pretty, but it’s a structure patterned after the wall on Skull Island, the one that kept out King Kong. So it’s bigly durable. I’m really in love with all of them and I look forward to the final selection and then the construction of said wall, by liberals, who will be forced to build this monstrosity. And the Mexicans will be paying for the liberals who will be building the wall …on weekends.”