Tweet Tower—The government shutdown may be over, but the battle for Capitol Hill over the State of the Union address is just beginning. The scheduled speech is approaching and a standoff between the president and the Speaker of the House looms large. Despite the Federal Government resuming its operations, Speaker Pelosi is maintaining her position that the White House should deliver SOTU somewhere else. Her office made several recommendation for a more appropriate venue such as Chucky Cheese’s, Motel 6, or DC’s labyrinth-like sewer system. President Trump has also ratcheted up is rhetoric on twitter: “Maybe I’ll just show up, Nancy. I have the military. I have the Secret Service. You’ve got, like, what, two dudes? We can take them out in, like, two seconds What are you going to do about it? #TakingTheHill!!” Speaker Pelosi has since reached out to the headmaster of Hogwarts Academy for Wizards for protection.
Upon several discussions with the Speaker of the House, Hogwart’s Headmaster Albus Dumbledore has agreed to dispatch third-year students from Hogwarts’ Houses of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw to protect the Hill in the event of an executive insurgence. The headmaster told the press that the wizards will use ‘whatever force necessary’ to keep the president and his men from entering the Capitol building illegally. Dumbledore told the press today, “All spells are on the table, including Expecto Theworsto and Obliviate Assclownus. We are hesitant to use the spell Riddikulus, however, as Trump is already silly and/or scary, so the faculty is concerned about the potential damage to the Trump-space continuum.”
Speaker Pelosi defended her unusual decision today, “I think it’s fitting we liberals go all Pagan on their Catholic asses. This is kind of like needing to invite the vampire over the threshold, except he’s not invited. Oh, and most vampires are dapper and sophisticated. Yeah, forget the vampire analogy; let’s go with troglodyte-with-a-head-injury.”
[Trump Cave joke removed by the editor]
Several Photoshopped images of the president confirm that he does not cast a reflection in the traditional sense. Whether this is a sign of vampirism or bad Adobe usage by the Discord Photoshop team remains unknown at this time.