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Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the “Full Palin” as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, “I think Fisties would be best.”

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, “How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?”

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, “The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis.”

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, “Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing.”

Boehner replied, “I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo,” which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, “Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House…except cookie catcher. I love that shit!”

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could “get a hole in one”. After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, “The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved.”

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

Man Hastens Plastic Decomposition While Keeping Family Fed

The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget.  The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags.  Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage. 

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

Bernie Wins 7th Debate With Rousing Rendition Of Hamlet

  Flint, MI—At the Democratic debate last night Hillary Clinton clearly felt the Bern. Leading up to this debate, Bernie Sanders was under increased scrutiny to provide more details when answering questions. In a move no one saw coming, the longest serving Senator wowed the audience with scenes from Hamlet and other Shakespearean classics. When Hillary attacked Sanders for failing…

Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14

Tony Ballz

There isn’t much happening in this whitebread shitkicker state that makes me want to leave my comfortable womb up here in Cowtown. Guided By Voices playing in Phoenix on a Sunday night did the trick.

On the Road: Off the Track?

Mick Zano
Who were these Beatniks, exactly, and what legacy did they leave behind? This article is an attempt to clear up Pokey’s ramblings – in a fuzzy-muddled, hallucinogenic, toad-licking kind of way. History is fraught with such movements that attack societal conformity, but why exactly do such movements feel the need to fly so far from the establishment’s coop? Before we delve into the Beat movement, let’s take a moment to explore the life of the Beat generation’s reigning eschatological poster-child, Jack Kerouac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you outta know by now.

Affirmative Action Program Replaced With Infirmative Inaction

Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a…

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