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Final Thoughts on Ferguson, Torture, and Beyond

Mick Zano

Here are my closing arguments on the Ferguson phenomenon, as well as the media’s constant ideologically-driven themes. I agreed with Pokey’s assessment of Al Sharpton and I condemned MSNBC for its recent ideological spike on the Fox shit-o-meter. But not all wrongdoing across our nation can, nor should be pinned on our president. We also disagree on the basic premise of which political party will lead to our demise. To me, Benghazi and Ferguson are still feeble attempts by conservatives to pin the fail on the donkey.

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Mayor Attacks Obama for Preempting Charlie Brown X-mas in America’s Fartland

Mayor Attacks Obama for Preempting Charlie Brown X-mas in America’s Fartland

Arlington, TN—Arlington Mayor, Russell Wiseman, one of the three Mayorial Wiseman  who brought the gifts of holiday reruns to Jesus, is complaining about the decision to preempt Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special with, as Wiseman put it, “Obama’s Afghany War, Muslim bullshit” (OAWMB).

As the only adult in the room, President Barak Obama responded to the Tennessee mayor’s criticism thusly, “Mwwaah-mmm-mwa-mwa-mwaa-hmmm-mw-mwa-mwaa.”

He then added, “Mayor, I am going to hold this football and I want you to run and kick it as hard as you can.”

Obama then added, “Peanuts?  You want to talk about Peanuts?  Try looking at your federal budget next year, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger.”

Both Charlie Brown and the Burgermeister Meisterburger were unavailable for comment. 

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How The Hell Do You Make Big Pharma Look Bad? This Guy Managed

It’s not this scandal that’s pissing me off, it’s the coverage of this scandal. Sorry, there’s no such thing as egregious price-gouging in the pharmaceutical industry. Have you Googled the pharmaceutical industry? …you know, since The Google was invented? Have you purchased a newer non-generic medication lately? Ask your doctor if a reverse mortgage for…

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Eagles Sign Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme to 5-year Deal

Philadelphia, PA – Earlier today the Philadelphia Eagles signed Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, of Charles Manson fame, to a 5-yr. deal as their new public relations spokeswoman.

“Squeaky has signed on for $1.2M the first year,” said Head Coach Andy Reid. “Celebrities don’t come cheap.  I’m confident she’s served her time and won’t be aiming any unloaded guns at Presidents anymore.”

Reid reports being pleased with the signing of Michael Vick, particularly amidst the dog days of summer.  The logic behind hiring Squeaky, on the other hand, seemed less obvious to this reporter.

When asked, Reid said, “Bottom line, she’s close to my age, kind of cute, and I have always wanted to find out why they call her Squeaky.”

Reid indicated that Vick and Fromme are the first two in an anticipated long line of ex-con-tracts.

“Do you remember in the movie Slap Shot when that team stacked the deck with all kinds of vile sorts to combat the Hanson Brothers?  Well, that movie was on last week.  I’m not saying it influenced our decision, but I’m not saying it didn’t either.  Hell, I’d recruit Manson himself, if he ever gets out.  Marilyn, of course, Charlie scares the shit out of me.”

Reid indicated the Eagles organization is scouting all the major penitentiaries in the U.S. for fresh talent.

“Heck, if they released everyone in Gitmo tomorrow, we might need a whole new league, like in that movie. League of their own? Slap Shot.? Ain’t you been listening?”

When asked if he had any regrets about not starting this ex-con initiative sooner, Reid said, “I only wish we’d snagged that Birdman of Alcatraz fellow.  Did he have Eagles?  Oh and Obama, could you please pardon Scooter Libby? Scooter and Squeaky has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

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Ms. Cretin USA Pageant 2010 a Dead Heat!

Ms. Cretin USA Pageant 2010 a Dead Heat!
Art Fenski

Washington, DC—The committee of the Ms. Cretin USA pageant has announced three finalists for the coveted title of most obnoxious moron in America to…

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No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!

Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

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