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Pope Demands to See Trump’s Baptismal Certificate

The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the…

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Who’s More Serious About Climate Change? ISIS IS!

Pokey McDooris

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It’s time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it’s time to stop pussy footin’ around the subject. Let’s get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS’s five steps to Beat Climate Change.

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I WANT TO BELIEVE:  American Digest Isn’t Abducting Our X-Files Shit

Philadelphia, PA – CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is not playing games. He wants to send a clear message to American Digest, who, last week, posted a picture eerily similar to the Discord’s. That message being that this behavior won’t be tolerated.

“The t-shirts are the main concern,” said Winslow. “We could easily sell 5 or 6 of those at a net profit of something ranging toward a cool Grant.”

“A grand?”

“No, a Grant….fifty bucks,” clarified Winslow. “So send us fifty bucks, American Digest, and we’re even. Or, you’ll be hearing from a Mr. Cohen.”

Mr. Winslow was asked if he would still sue if the picture in American Digest proved to be posted before his own. He was also asked why the Daily Discord fails to copyright anything.

“Details!” replied Winslow. “Copyrighting is for pussies. We stole the balloon pic from the Drudge Report, fair and square, and then Sean Kelsey worked his Photoshop magic that very night. It happened like this: our guy Zano thinks of the idea as he’s watching that silver balloon sail across the Colorado sky. He thinks of this stuff because he’s not well, you see. His thoughts are then broadcast across the noosphere, amplifying throughout the morphic resonance.”

When asked to explain that last statement, Mr. Winslow went into a tangential rant involving Carl Jung, Teilhard de Chardin and that old ‘Hey Vern’ guy.

When asked how he plans to prove damages in court, Winslow said, “Look, our post is better. The morphic resonance acts like a filter so, by the time their guy thought of it, the thing is dumbed down a bit. ‘Balloon Boy’ doesn’t even appear anywhere on their picture. So in a few weeks, people are going to look at their t-shirt and say, what the hell is that a giant portabella mushroom in the sky? Sure it might have some appeal in certain psychedelic circles, but for the most part it’s crap! Now, if you will excuse me, Matt Drudge is texting me in ALL CAPS.”

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Nepalese Man Found From 1934 Earthquake

Nepalese Man Found from 1934 Earthquake

Nepal—A 98-year-old Nepalese man, Siddhartha Horowitz, is relieved to be back in his home today after spending the last 81 years pinned under a collapsed building in Nepal. Siddhartha’s home was reduced to rubble by an 8.0 magnitude earthquake that struck the region in 1934, but he was rescued during the earthquake that struck the same region just last week.

Siddhartha was glad to see his home completely rebuilt, in a different place, by people he doesn’t know. He soon learned, however, his wife started seeing other earthquake victims ages ago and is believed to have run off to join the Nepalese circus. Sid was relieved to finally be out of the 4 by 7 space he’d been trapped in for the last eight decades and was eager to catch up on the latest antics of the Kardashians.

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The Civil Wrong Movement

Pokey McDooris

The point from my last feature that Zano continues to ignore is how Beck recognized that “yes” radical Islam was getting out of hand. He did this as our President was doing victory dances, pulling troops out of the Middle East, and calling the Islamic radicals “the JV Team”. Obama has a host of actions that make little sense when one considers the context of the rise of a terrorist network, globally peddling their wares. Kora-Amway?

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No Link Between Discord Executive and Corrupt Illinois Gov. Blagojevich

The Daily Discord’s Chief Executive Pierce Winslow is amidst a political firestorm that can only be described as a political firestorm.  Winslow is adamantly denying any connection to the recent arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.  U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald’s office is in possession of several phone conversations—one of which allegedly includes Mr. Winslow attempting to purchase Barak Obama’s vacated Senate seat.  Whereas Mr. Winslow is clearly heard offering part of the Discord’s recent two billion dollar bailout fund for the Senate seat in question, the conversation is garbled by dingbats and expletives.

The key phrase investigators are focusing on what occurred on December 1st, when Winslow is heard shouting: “I want that &*^%ing Senate seat, dip &*^%, or I’ll come over their myself and stick a *@&^  #*&^% with forceps you *&^%$ %^& #*&*^9$& sick &*&^ with bacon bits.  Winslow is also quoted as saying, “F*&* me, Blagojevich?  F&*^ You, you &**^%$ &^*# Cornel Wilde *&^%ing *&^% *&^&!”

Head attorney at the Discord, Mr. G. Shaman believes the garbled nature of the message renders it “F&#@ing moot” and, furthermore, promises to clean his own system prior to the court proceedings.

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