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Obama Expected to Give Up During Next Scheduled Press Conference

Obama Expected to Give Up During Next Scheduled Press Conference

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

“I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front,” said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. “But even cash advance places are turning us down,” said Obama. “We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there.”

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, “I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy.”

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Wife of Indian Man Struck And Killed by Meteorite Suing Asteroid Belt For Wrongful Death

Vellore, IN—Last week without warning or provocation a meteorite slammed into the Earth, killing one and injuring three. Rayja Sinhi told reporters today she plans to sue the entire asteroid belt for her husband’s death. “We must send a clear message to all radicalized space rocks,” said Mrs. Sinhi. “I won’t be satisfied until the…

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Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. “A two hundred and twenty something year old fish,” added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the “drone death list.”

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, “I’m making a list and checking it twice…I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em.”

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his….well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was “slightly impulsive,” and then later blamed his actions on being “caught up in the moment.”

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some “pull my trigger-finger” variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, “He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here.” Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins…er, which is an affront to donuts…of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

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Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, “Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer.”

Mr. Burns told reporters, “With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds.”

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, “It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have.”

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How Many Republicans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? None, They Don’t Believe In Change

I’m furious with the mainstream media, but probably not for the same reasons you are. How dare they let republicans rewrite history? How do you let these blatant falsehoods go unchallenged on your “news” shows? Even our debate moderators seem asleep at the switch. During the last undercard round, Carly Fiorina implied Obama “fired all the…

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Hey, Joe, Where You Going With My Gun in Your Hand?

Mick Zano

Team Obama claims to be 2nd Amendment rights advocates, but their voting record suggests otherwise. Time and time again, Obama has voted in favor gun control bills.   He even voted for a bill that would close several gun manufacturers such as Les Baer, Springfield Armory, and Armalite (among others).  Is Armalite designed for the gun-toter’s wives?  You know, with only half the calories as the leading handgun?  Our Vice President is perhaps even less friendly to the gun-toting NRA types and may well have had one of his minions pry Heston’s rifle from his cold, dead hands.  Perhaps more disturbing, the National Rifle Association has recently scored Joe the Veeper an F on his gun rights record.

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