Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived “flash mob” number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, “I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either.”

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, “As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes.”

Newark, NJ—Jersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. “This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies,” said Bolden. “Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!”

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. “That is utterly ridiculous,” said Booker. “I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week…hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything…for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop.”