News

McDonald’s CEO Ousted After In-N-Out Bugger With Other Chik-fil-A

Posted: November 11, 2019

New York, NY—McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook has resigned from the company after admitting to dating a staffer. Easterbrook told The Discord today, “Sometimes those golden arches are worth all the McControversy. Hey, I’m just sayin’, she brought me a toy with that happy m— [Editor’s note: The Whopper of a tail, Wendy’s single, Whattabugger, egg…

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Pope Banished to the Forbidden Zone

Posted: March 1, 2013

Forbidden Zone—Pope “Benedict Arnold” has had a drastic change in his retirement plan. As soon as he abdicated his power, he was surrounded by armed Bishops and the last of the Knights Templar before being ushered into a clandestine chamber deep in the Vaticave. There, Pope Benedict the Whatshisface, was given a choice. He could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone, or he could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone to destroy the One Pope Ring.

The Pope pleaded for other choices, not the least of which involved Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume. He also asked to stay in the janitor’s closet on the first floor of the Passeto, then the table under one of the rape rooms, and finally His Homelessness begged to live out his last days on a St. Peter’s Square bench in the hopes of capturing one of the doves he’d released for sustenance.

In the end, his Holiness the Nope was sent into the Forbidden Zone south of Vatican City, where Dr. Zaius warns us, “He will find his destiny…but he better not try that ‘my precioussss’ crap! He needs to burn that thing so Obama can mint a trillion dollar coin!”

There was a point to this post, originally.

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11^th Grader Insists He’s “Too Big to Fail”

Posted: August 15, 2009

Louisville, KY – Francis Melman, a junior at Liberty County High School, is challenging his school system with a rather novel defense. Mr. Melman has a list of reasons why he flunked most of his classes at LCHS this year, but his main defense boils down to “I’m too big to fail.”

Melman told reporters, “To heck with Citigroup and AIG. I could eat AIG for lunch. It would probably taste better than the crap they serve around here.”

The student’s teacher, Mrs. Wrinkleman, believes his defense is “completely unfounded,” and, on an unrelated note, added, “I only had sex with him twice.”

According to Mrs. Wrinkleman, Francis Melman is an underachiever in other areas as well. Melman denies allegations that his weight impacted his sexual performance, and claims the extra pounds may have actually helped.

Melman told reporters, “Not seeing that wrinkly ass was a huge bonus, not like an AIG bonus, but pretty big”.

Melman is planning to appeal the board’s decision that he get the hell out of the room, asshole.

“Sure I’m going to appeal,” said Melman. “Next time, I think I’m gonna come at it from Bush’s No Child Left Behind policy. Heck, that child probably weighs less than my left behind. Think of it this way: failing me is like flunking a whole class of hobbits”.

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Taking A Page From Comey: Zano’s “Grossly Negligent” Article Was Changed To “Extremely Incompetent”

Posted: May 10, 2018

This is in response to Zano’s last political brain fart. When I speak of “objective facts” it is in the context of how a narrative is developed. Coincidently, the purpose of my argument is not to necessarily establish the truth or falseness of a particular narrative, but to establish the “where, why, and how” the…

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Congress Takes Aim at Last Functional Aspects of Government

Posted: March 19, 2015

Washington, DC—Senator Mitch McConnell unveiled his plan to “break the last of the shit that’s still working” while on Meat Depress earlier today. The republican leader believes his party can accomplish this important non-task by the end of Obama’s tenor. “By not actually doing anything,” said McConnell, “and by leaving the Capitol Building mid-session, it not only increases the likelihood of a republican president in 2016, but it also increases my own hourly wage, tenfold.”

When asked about blocking Loretta Lynch’s Attorney General nomination, McConnell said, “I was prepared to support the Loretta Lynn nomination, after all, I love Coal Miner’s Daughter. Who doesn’t? In fact, I love all things country and all things coal. But then this black woman, who can’t sing a lick, walks into the room. I was mortified.”

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Cruz’s “Trapped In Box” Performance Wows New Hampshire Voters

Posted: February 7, 2016

Nashua, NH—Just days before the New Hampshire Primaries, Senator Ted Cruz strayed from the usual stump speech and broke into a dazzling mime act. He thrilled scores of Republican primary voters with his performance of: “Invisible border wall, built by Mexicans.” He then swung into a rousing rendition of: “Man trapped under crushing federal deficits.” Cruz then took a break…

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