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Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted Into Kazoo Hall of Fame

Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted into Kazoo Hall of Fame

Jackson, MO—When you think of the word Kazoo, only one name comes to mind…well, besides that little green alien from The Flintstones. Kazoo giant Slim Addelson was finally inducted into the Kazoo Hall of Fame in Jackson, Missouri this weekend. The 2002 blackballing of Addelson involved an incident involving a lobster fork and some bottom-shelf bourbon. When asked if he felt this accolade was long overdue, Addelson said he holds no grudges, “I don’t hold any grudges. Can’t you read the bleepin’ narrative?!”

Addelson’s long time agent, K.Z. Oooo, agreed, “Forgive and forget is Addelson’s motto, especially the forget part. Why did he have access to a lobster fork and a flask during happy hour in the first place? Today it’s all water under the bygones. But old Slim is the Hendrix of the Kazoo and the Beatles of Kazoo song writers, so he deserves this honor. Who could forget the Tao of Kazoo, Kazoo Bayou, Mötley Kazöo and, my favorite, Tattoo Kazoo You? Yeah, fuck that little green guy from The Flintstones. What did he ever do for the Kazoo?”

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Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That

Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

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Giants Awarded Minority Status as Pants Impaired

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Washington, DC-It’s one giant step for pituitary problems as the Supreme Court agreed giant people are now deemed the Pants Impaired minority.   Success hasn’t been easy for this group as Congress recently rejected their Plane Seat Impaired minority status as well as their Doorway Disabled claim.  

“These damned hobbit designers want to carve the world into their own image no matter who they hurt along the way. My head is a phrenologist’s dream!” said one tall, bumpy-headed person.  “And Kevin Smith couldn’t get on a plane until he lost weight…what do you want me to do? Gnaw off my own feet at the shins?”

An advocacy group, Giants Against Stereotyping (GAS), has been fighting for giants’ rights ever since Zeus cast them out of Olympus.

The president of GAS had this to say, “You don’t know the horrors of ordering special pants! We certainly deserve a tax break for the hardship, the extra cost, and the endless basketball jokes.”

A very tall person indeed had this to say: “We’re not monsters, Yeti, Sasquatch, or anything else you damned puny, midget-dwarf Halfling sons-o-bitches want to call us!  And, yes, we find the New York football team and the San Francisco baseball team offensive. “

“It is hoped the new legislation will shut these freaks up for a while,” said an average sized congressman from the Midwest.

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Mueller Team Replacements? SETI And NASA To Scour Galaxy For Any Sign Of Intelligent Life That Doesn’t Think Trump Is An Idiot

The rightwing media is demanding Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s entire team be replaced with people who show no bias toward President Ass-Clown Hitler. According to the Institute For People Who Think & Stuff, accomplishing such a feat may prove difficult given the context of our current political reality. Finding enough unbiased intelligent life-forms who still support the president seems unlikely at this…

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Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com

Middle-Jersey—President Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that…

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Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

Tripoli, LY—In what many are calling a “sad” and “pathetic” maneuver, Muammar Gaddafi made numerous calls to comedians this week for one last ditch effort to quell the masses.  Gaddafi then broadcast a seventeen minute comedy act to the entire nation of Libya on Thursday.

“Not watching the performance was a capital offense,” said a resident of Benghazi, “which, may have squelched some of the initial enthusiasm.”

The despot’s plan was to create the perfect standup routine to win back the hearts and minds of his people.  Granted, it was a feat made more difficult by strafing his own people with military jets the day before, but if anyone could pull it off, it was him.

Gaddafi opened his act with “I shot a protestor in my pajamas this morning.  How he got my pajamas, I don’t know,” and, “Firing missiles into crowds of my own people may seem heavy-handed, well excuuuuuuuuse meeeee!” 

He then, apparently, channeled Rodney Dangerfield by adding, “I don’t get no respect.”

There was no joke before or after his statement, he just kept repeating it.

At one point, Gaddafi actually stopped the act and said, “Have you all failed to notice the arrow that seemingly passes through my head?”

“He died out there,” said a once loyal tribal leader.  “There were long awkward pauses where he thought people would be laughing.  Didn’t anyone tell him there was no live audience?  Of course, if there had been, we would have rushed the stage…but not in the way he would have liked.  If he had only done something with a pie to the face, now that would have been something.”

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