For Appeal O.J. Requests His First Jury

Along with several requests, including access to off track betting, his bookie, and a cellmate that looks like his first wife, O.J. Simpson has requested that his first jury be reunited for his upcoming appeal.

Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour

Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour

Washington, DC—For his 2nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, “Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em.”

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. “Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone,” said Obama, “I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh.”

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, “Biden.” He then added the word, “Duh.”

Allman Brothers Dedicate ‘Ramblin’ Man’ To President Trump’s Latest Press Conference

Tweet Tower—Did you listen to that entire press conference? It was like reading Lord of the Rings backwards. We must get the One Coherent Thought from Mt. Doom back to that pub in the Shire! At this rate by 2020 the GOP can just legislate by scribbling their laws on the walls of a truck stop restroom. Maybe Betsy DeVos…

Torture:  It’s Not Just for Gitmo Anymore

Mick Zano

During my last discussion with the Crank over Memorial Day weekend, we did manage to reach the spirit of compromise in several key areas. We decided on Star Trek for the movie and Coke and Guinness for the BBQ afterwards, but beyond that…  We actually do agree on quite a few areas and can reach a compromise, of sorts, on other important topics (like appetizers and side salads).  The one thing we can’t seem to agree on, in fact, we both get rather heated when mentioned, is torture.  Torture is a completely indefensible position and the fact that we are having this debate for so long only shows how deeply the Bush/Cheney ideology has mired us in an amoral funk not unlike my sophomore year at college.  The Crank feels, much like Cheney, that we need to go to the dark side to beat these guys, not unlike my junior year in college.  On some level I understand the ‘24 scenario’.  A dirty bomb is being smuggled into Baltimore and the guy sitting in our holding cell knows when and where. Obviously, we need to get that info and, if real techniques prove fruitless, we would strain some of the Geneva Conventions, as well as a few muscles, to extract that information.  We just have to ask ourselves, what would a reasonable person do in that situation?  In this scenario prosecutions would be unlikely, but to base our laws on that extreme scenario is ridiculous.

Mueller Report Released In Its Entirety! But It’s Still Either Redacted Or In Klingon

Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord has received a copy of the full Mueller Report from an unreal source. Unfortunately the original document is still mostly redacted. Attorney General William Barr explained how Mueller used large black blocks to actually type stuff into his report. “Intelligence agencies often use a Fed font, or Arial MIBlack,” said Barr. “It’s not uncommon…

Mayor Attacks Obama for Preempting Charlie Brown X-mas in America’s Fartland

Mayor Attacks Obama for Preempting Charlie Brown X-mas in America’s Fartland

Arlington, TN—Arlington Mayor, Russell Wiseman, one of the three Mayorial Wiseman  who brought the gifts of holiday reruns to Jesus, is complaining about the decision to preempt Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special with, as Wiseman put it, “Obama’s Afghany War, Muslim bullshit” (OAWMB).

As the only adult in the room, President Barak Obama responded to the Tennessee mayor’s criticism thusly, “Mwwaah-mmm-mwa-mwa-mwaa-hmmm-mw-mwa-mwaa.”

He then added, “Mayor, I am going to hold this football and I want you to run and kick it as hard as you can.”

Obama then added, “Peanuts?  You want to talk about Peanuts?  Try looking at your federal budget next year, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger.”

Both Charlie Brown and the Burgermeister Meisterburger were unavailable for comment. 

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