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Eagles Sign Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme to 5-year Deal

Philadelphia, PA – Earlier today the Philadelphia Eagles signed Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, of Charles Manson fame, to a 5-yr. deal as their new public relations spokeswoman.

“Squeaky has signed on for $1.2M the first year,” said Head Coach Andy Reid. “Celebrities don’t come cheap.  I’m confident she’s served her time and won’t be aiming any unloaded guns at Presidents anymore.”

Reid reports being pleased with the signing of Michael Vick, particularly amidst the dog days of summer.  The logic behind hiring Squeaky, on the other hand, seemed less obvious to this reporter.

When asked, Reid said, “Bottom line, she’s close to my age, kind of cute, and I have always wanted to find out why they call her Squeaky.”

Reid indicated that Vick and Fromme are the first two in an anticipated long line of ex-con-tracts.

“Do you remember in the movie Slap Shot when that team stacked the deck with all kinds of vile sorts to combat the Hanson Brothers?  Well, that movie was on last week.  I’m not saying it influenced our decision, but I’m not saying it didn’t either.  Hell, I’d recruit Manson himself, if he ever gets out.  Marilyn, of course, Charlie scares the shit out of me.”

Reid indicated the Eagles organization is scouting all the major penitentiaries in the U.S. for fresh talent.

“Heck, if they released everyone in Gitmo tomorrow, we might need a whole new league, like in that movie. League of their own? Slap Shot.? Ain’t you been listening?”

When asked if he had any regrets about not starting this ex-con initiative sooner, Reid said, “I only wish we’d snagged that Birdman of Alcatraz fellow.  Did he have Eagles?  Oh and Obama, could you please pardon Scooter Libby? Scooter and Squeaky has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

The Garbage Gestapo Has Come to Mayberry

The Garbage Gestapo Have Come to Mayberry

Many across our green nation are joining ranks with Project Trash Police, one of the many new stimulus spawned career paths (SSCP)—jobs brought to you by the Monopoly money also known as the U.S. dollar. These Trash Police, or S.W.A.T teams (Sewage & Waste Authority Taskforces) are a group of green meanies set to root through all of your refuse for their own insidious purposes.  These Recycle Rangers may already be Sherlock Holmesing all of yesterday’s rejects through the use of highly sophisticated computer chips.  These sensor chips are designed to relay all of your recycling activities directly to Al Gore’s mansion!

Know your refuse or risk fines, jail, or torture!  Torture is officially legal now in America, so expanding it to include improper recycling habits is the next logical step.  Will the backlash of recyclophopia plague our society?  Mental health professionals are already seeing a spike in suicide hotline calls. 

“We get at least 10-15 calls a week now from people worried the banana peel ended up in the cardboard bin, or the type 6 plastic ended up with the type 1 plastic,” said Megan Forrester of N.U.T.  Counseling. 

Police are also reporting an increase in Hate Grimes, wherein people’s garbage is mixed up in the middle of the night as part of some sinister gang initiation practice.

Know your bins, people, because these S.W.A.T. teams are on the Gorepath. 

The Coinciding Of Lead Singer’s Death With The GM Strike Deemed Suspicious

New York, NY—My Best Friend’s Girl is in custody at this hour after the passing of pop legend Ric Ocasek. The prime suspect in the death of the Cars lead singer, Candy O., told reporters today, “I’m Not The One. You Might Think I’m Crazy, but I’m not a Dangerous Type.” She then added, “It’s All Mixed Up…

Goodstock: Three Months of Jobs, Growth, and Prosperity has Died

Rick Right Pernick

The recovery summer, the love child of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden, has gone to the big government program in the sky.  Little Stimuleena was only three months old.  There will be no open casket for this one, folks.  You could lose your lunch.  Oh wait, you can’t afford lunch anymore.  Nevermind.

World Economy so Bleak Japanese Cheer Godzilla’s Return

Yesterday marked the first time that crowds did not flee in panic over Godzilla’s emergence from Tokyo Bay.  The day ended in the loss of over 1000 points in their stock market, as well as the destruction of nearly half of the Island of Japan.  The change of heart comes as Japan’s stock market tumbled for the third straight week.  “No one would be able to leave the island anymore to flood foreign tourist attractions, and ‘death by Godzilla’ sure beats jumping out of a window,” states Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso.  “Besides,” continues Aso, “fire is an act of purification…if, said fire, is coming out of the mouth of a seven story lizard, so be it.”

Harbingers of Dumb? More Signs This 240 Year Experiment In Democracy Is Winding Down

I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer),…

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