Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?

Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

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Las Vegas Welcomes its First Amelia Impersonator

Las Vegas Welcomes its First Amelia Impersonator

Las Vegas, NV—For the first time in many years, Juan Guerra of Henderson, NV is shelving his Elvis Presley impersonator outfit. Guerra, best known as skydiving Elvis #11 in the movie Honeymoon in Vegas (1992), said the transformation for him was a bittersweet one. Mr. Guerra has been donning the same white rhinestone-speckled suit for the better part of twenty years.

“Fremont Street will miss the old routine,” said Guerra, “but Elvis has left the building.”

As for the decision to change his act to an explorer and famous missing person, Amelia Earhart, Guerra said, “No one personifies Vegas quite like Earhart,” said Guerra. “Now that bitch could gamble!”

Mr. Guerra was reluctant to talk about his short-lived attempt in the 90’s to become an Elvira impersonator.

“Doctors just didn’t have the technology to give me the necessary mammarage,” said Guerra. “They also warned me if a silicone pouch that size ruptured, it could flood surrounding low lying areas.”

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Straight Marine Mistakenly “Comes Out” After DADT Verdict

Straight Marine Mistakenly "Comes Out" After DADT Verdict

Kandahar, Afghanistan—Family members of Lieutenant Lee Williams, of the 2nd Infantry, are puzzled by today’s holiday greeting from abroad. Lee has never had homosexual tendencies, remains sexually attracted exclusively to females, yet he openly announced his gayness while wishing his family in Plattsburgh a Merry Christmas during a live video feed from Kandahar earlier today.  

When asked why he made the erroneous announcement, Williams replied, “I guess I got caught up in the moment.  It’s such a huge deal for the gay and lesbian community. I just wanted to feel more a part of what was happening.” 

“It stunned us at first,” said his mother, Emma Williams of Plattsburgh.  “Until I remembered the time he not only joined the Save the Whales movement, but became a whale himself for nearly eight months.  He ordered a water bed and, during that time period, was content to sift through seven or eight buckets of krill each day for sustenance.”  

Despite being raised in a conservative household, his father, Jacob, believes Lee suffers from liberal tendencies with regards to social issues.

“I’m going to sue that shrink for every penny,” said Jacob.

Lieutenant Williams also announced his future plans to show his solidarity with the shrinking polar ice caps by spending his post-military life nearly motionless along the Norwegian coastline, periodically sloughing off pieces of himself into the North Sea.

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ANTIFA Claims Responsibility For Hurricane Maria’s Inflated Death Toll!

San Jaun, PR—The liberal fascist group known as ANTIFA is claiming responsibility for the vast majority of deaths contributed to Maria, a category four hurricane that struck President Trump’s twitter feed last September. In an effort to inflate the number of deaths, which stands at nearly 3,000, an ANTIFA sleeper cell woke up and started unhooking old people’s…

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Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong

Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other “points.”  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

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Vegas’s Spring Mountain Banshee & Hugh Hefner’s Ghost

Las Vegas, NV—I knew being Zano-free couldn’t last forever, but I did enjoy my peaceful six month stretch. When the inevitable phone call came, he wanted to know the location of our next Vegas-style ghost investigation. For some reason Zano feels it’s my responsibility to arrange these “important” endeavors. As if living in Las Vegas…

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  3 comments for “News

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