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Zuul The Gatekeeper Set To Transform Trump Into Gozer The Gozerian On Inaugration Day

Sumer—The ancient Sumerian god, Gozer the Gozerian, is in the news again today after appearing on a rooftop building in the Big Apple. This malevolent deity known by many names, such as The Traveler, The Destructor and Sonny, is set to destroy the planet on January 20th. Zuul the Gatekeeper, and Vince Clortho, the Key Master, arrived…

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Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

London, UK—The Royal Family is denying allegations the backup plan for the happy couple’s big day involved a Las Vegas chapel wedding.  A WikiLeaks document reveals the alternative ceremony involved an Elvis impersonator performing the nuptials, and the entertainment included two members from the Blue Man Group, Penn, of Penn and Teller fame, as well as the tiger that ate Roy. 

The top secret document reveals a list of pros and cons to holding the wedding covertly in Vegas without media coverage.  Some of the pros included: Item 27: save enough cash to send 20,000 of our citizens to college, Item 35: If Prince Harry drops his pants, less of an audience, Item 56: That Cuban sandwich place north of the Stratosphere.  Item 112: the money saved on security alone would be enough to send the entire Royal Family into space on one of Richard Branson’s new spaceships.  Under the cons column were nearly as many entries: Item 12: parking is a bitch, Item 161: the shilling would not work in a massage bed, and Item 30: the next morning Prince Harry might be married to one of the Blue Man Group.

Less security was also a plus as Prince William would have been disguised as Hunter S. Thompson and Kate Middleton planned to dress as Snooki.  The overnight accommodations were at the luxurious Vegas Chalet Motel.  The motel “package” came complete with the aforementioned coin operated massaging beds and a complimentary mojito at nearby Frankies Tiki Room (a favorite destination of “Vegas Great” Bald Tony).

“The mojito almost won the day,” admitted Queen Elizabeth.  “I mean, we never considered Vegas.”

Frankies Tiki Room
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Ouija Session Reportedly “Very Fustratting” for Dyslexic Ghost

Ouija Session Reportedly "Very Fustratting" for Dyslexic Ghost

Ann Arbor, MI—As part of a sleep over, a group of teenage girls climbed into the Miller’s attic on June 16th and held an over four hour Ouija session with one of the residence’s ghosts. The paranormal entity later described the event as “fukcing ecxcruciatting” for a tortured soul who sufferers from dyslexia.

Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, believes the ghost in question has resided in the attic where the game took place since his untimely death, nearly 80 years ago. The apparition stated he would rather be left alone than be assailed by a bunch of teenagers who, after hundreds of questions, still couldn’t figure out that yes/no questions worked best.

The young ladies, who wished to remain anonymous, were perplexed by the ghost’s indecipherable responses such as, “I have servere dylslexia” and “I deid in this vrey place” and finally, “Why don’t you bithces play somehting eles?!”

The young lady who hosted the party told McGrath she believes the ghost wasn’t murdered, but added, “He sure can murdre the English language. Get it…murdre?”

After the comment the ghost is planning to “Huant that littel shit for ettenrity!”

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I’m Not Joining the Discord, Zano, so Kindly Fuck Off!

Dan Sutton

Zano’s been harassing me to join this rag for years. It’s not that I don’t like the Discord, I just don’t like Zano. So NO! I won’t do it! I have standards, not good ones but standards nevertheless. I sent this anti-republican rant to him with explicit guidelines, to summarize: so help me, Zano, I will drive from L.A. to fucking Flagstaff myself if you try to turn this into a Discord article!

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Happy Cranksgiving: Hey Congress, How ‘Bout a Reach Around?

The Crank

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775 – you have had 234 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars.

Social Security was established in 1935 – you have had 74 years to get it right current worth – zero dollars.

Fannie Mae was established in 1938 – you have had 71 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars.

War on Poverty started in 1964 – you have had 45 years to get it right, current worth – zero dollars

Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965 – you’ve had 44 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars

Freddie Mac was established in 1970 – you have had 39 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars.

Liberals believing that the government can effectively and efficiently run a nationalized health care program – PRICELESS.

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Mawiage, Mawiage, that Dweam Within a Dweam

Mick Zano

I live in one of the three hundred cities that protested the November 15th passing of Proposition 8.  I witnessed hundreds of people spouting spiritual slogans about ‘loving others’ and caring for their ‘life partners’, awful hate-mongering ideas.  Bright rainbowy colors bounced off an army of poster board like flowery daggers of doom.  Cruising by, I felt anger well-up in the pit of my stomach for these caring thoughtful protestors.  Where were the smoke bombs, the riot gear, or the people being bodily dragged into paddywagons?  Are these people puftas or something?

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