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BP Gusher Now Spewing Guinness!

BP Gusher Now Spewing Guinness!

BP has announced that each day the Deepwater Horizon gusher is now releasing over 5,000 barrels of Guinness into the Gulf of Mexico.  BP believes the switchover from oil to Guinness happened sometime yesterday, around ‘happy hour.’  Only moments after the announcement, distributors and beer enthusiasts across the globe created several viable plans to not only cap the well, but to salvage the majority of the beer already in the Gulf.

“This turn of events has mobilized a world response like no other,” said CEO Tony Hayward. “Well, at least not since the great Michelob eruption of 72.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes this discovery will radically change our understanding of prehistory.  New theories about the extinction of the dinosaurs have already surfaced.  Did the Irish kill off the dinosaurs, or at least their livers?  Even more outlandish theories involve planetary brewing systems and vast networks of ancient interstellar pubcrawlers.  Meanwhile, Dr. Hogbein’s book Chariots of the Grogs remains ignored by the archeological community.

BP is strongly advising against unauthorized attempts to plug the hole by concerned private citizens.

“And under no circumstances should anyone try to drink anything floating in the Gulf,” warned Mr. Hayward.  “We have just struck Guinness and it will take several weeks before the first Guinness slicks reach shore.  This does mark the end of the fiasco and the beginning of the fiesta.”

Despite the rosy picture BP is painting, critics claim this is the worst case of beer abuse in recorded history…er, well, since the Michelob eruption of 72. 

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Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?

Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is expounding his plans today, in hemorrhage and diarrhea filled detail, to “wipe out” ISIL. The U.S. military will begin to transport final-stage Ebola victims from Africa to the Middle East, en masse. These “volunteers” will then help the forces of good by plummeting thousands of feet before exploding and hopefully infecting the forces of evil.

President Obama told reporters today, “I am calling these brave warriors my Coalition of the Falling. You can’t destroy ISIL through any conventional military strategy. Certainly my shit-show of a predecessor taught us that much, but I have some pretty cool tricks up my sleeve. And sometimes these tricks involve dropping a steady stream of Ebola Infected Nigerians from planes like rocks, or E.I.N. Steins as I call them. Hah, hah. Sorry, it’s a German joke.”

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Hurricane Norbert Targeted Weather Station that Named It

In the aftermath of hurricane Norbert, which slammed into the Mexican West coast in October, meteorologists believe the category four storm’s Western turn was premeditated. Shortly after the Los Cabos weather station named the storm, the category one hurricane strengthened, changed course, and allegedly made several threatening phone calls to the weather station in question.

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Pelosi Deemed Too Stupid for Any Accountability on Torture

Washington, DC – Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is becoming further embroiled in the Bush/Cheney torture controversy as allegations continue to surface regarding her knowledge of the previous administration’s tactics.  President Obama is defending the Speaker of the House, claiming she could not have possibly known the importance of things told to her.

“After all, she’s an idiot,” explained Obama at a press conference earlier today.  “Her competence is strongly in question.”

According to a memo released by the White House this week, Nancy Pelosi asked only three questions during her CIA briefing on enhanced interrogation techniques.  Two questions involved the previous evening’s episode of American Idol and the third involved her predictions regarding the following week’s episode of American Idol.

President Obama then made the analogy: “You can’t blame Pelosi for torture; it would be like blaming Iraq for 9/11.”

After an awkward silence, Obama went on to explain how Pelosi’s only knowledge of torture is derived from the 1976 movie Marathon Man

“In Pelosi’s small and demented mind,” continued Obama, “no Sir Lawrence Olivier + no dental instruments = no torture.”

Sir Lawrence Olivier, quite dead, was unavailable for comment.

President Obama went on to say, “Look, you can’t expect someone to connect the dots with a broken pencil, no paper, and more air upstairs than one of those open double-decker buses.”

Dissatisfied with the explanation, our own Bald Tony asked two very pointed questions of the President: “If Pelosi is deemed too stupid for any accountability, isn’t this a slipper slope? Couldn’t the same argument then be made to protect Bush from any wrongdoing?”

President Obama dodged the slippery slope analogy by saying this: “Remember what Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy on the floor back in ‘04?  Pretend I’m Dick Cheney and your Patrick Leahy. M-kay?”

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Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid

Tweet Tower—At the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance…

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Interview With the Zanblogger

Cokie McGrath

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow asked me to hunt down Mick Zano to conduct an important interview. The boss-man is based out of Philly and he wants to get to the bottom of some recent disturbing trends occurring here in the southwest. He’s worried about some of Zano’s cryptic emails, his strange business receipts, the lack of viable material and his increased bail requests. It begs the question, has Zano completely lost his mind after the midterms? So I agreed to track him down and get some answers, for a small fee.

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