The Former U.S.A.—Millions of Americans are now jobless, black people are inexplicably more empowered, and those last few gainfully employed real Americans are huddled around their television sets watching Fox News for updates and for strength.

“It’s horrible,” said John Q. Republican. “Hospitals are inundated with paying customers and at night our streets are filled with roving gangs of death panels. As the Affordable Care Act is implemented, doctors are blanketing our neighborhoods, armed to the teeth with endless pages of healthcare policies. Oh, but no dental coverage yet.”

Speaker John Boehner is outraged, “Anyone with a stethoscope can now enter your home without a warrant and decide who lives and who dies.  This not the America. It’s certainly not the America I hoped republicans would someday destroy.”

All medical records will also be sent to the White House for review. “I will have my socialist army march house by house, neighborhood by neighborhood,” warned Obama, “But don’t worry, I will only harass those who I deem to have unhealthy lifestyle habits. We need to weed out the clearly unhealthy, tax them until they die, and then double their death tax.”

The shutdown is costing us our treasure and our credibility, but has done nothing to slowdown Obamacare, um, because of something called it’s already happening.  Meanwhile, the brand new Department of Homeland Fitness is adding millions to their Unhealthy Watch List, which has implications for employment, taxes, and targeted internet spam.