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Robotic Dog Causes Driverless Car To Hit Unmanned Drone Carrying Handless Headsets

Seattle, WA—Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos left his robotic dog off its leash during its morning walk to do its bushiness, which he claims involves balancing the Amazon budget, when suddenly the mutt darted into traffic. The act caused a driverless Uber to hit one of his Amazon’s delivery drones carrying a shipment of handless handsets. You…

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New Process Converts Endangered Species Directly Into Diesel Fuel

Tweet Tower—The White House has unveiled a new process designed to increase the country’s reliance on fossil fuels. This technological breakthrough allows conservative-minded factions within the energy sector to both create more oil as well as eliminate all those namby pamby eco-friendly arguments currently protecting certain regions from overt resource raping (ORR). This new approach to oil…

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Last Day in Office Mubarak to be Entombed in Great Pyramid of Giza

Last Day in Office Mubarak to be Entombed in Great Pyramid of Giza

Cairo, EG—In lieu of exile, President Mubarak has chosen to be placed in the King’s Chamber, located in the heart of the Great Pyramid of Giza, surrounded by family, friends, and his cabinet.

“This is not about me,” said Mubarak, “But the Great Pyramid of Mubarak does have a nice ring to it, eh?”

“I don’t want to cause a fuss,” continued Mubarak. “So let my legacy show I was a man of compromise. Look, King Tut got one and he ruled less than a decade, pussy. I should get three pyramids by that math! It’s not like I’m asking to be put up over in the Valley of the Kings or something. The rent over there is ridiculous.”

To ease the transition, the U.S. has offered to put Mubarak up in the Luxor in Vegas, but the President is adamant about remaining in Egypt.

“Exile is not what it is used to be,” said Mubarak. “No, I think that me, the Great Pyramid, a flat screen, a fridge, and some cold ones and I’ll be good to go.”

If his demands are met, he plans to restore the Internet to Egypt on his last day in office,.

“Oh, but Ethernet cable will need to be run for sure,” added Mubarak. “According to my IT guys, WiFi will be virtually impossible under six-million tons of limestone.”

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Farewell Jon Stewart, You Propaganda Spewing Buffoon!

Mick Zano

I’ve read a lot of articles about Jon Stewart’s departure and most of them seem unusually harsh. Both left and right seem ready to see him go, for decidedly different reasons of course. Republicans don’t like Maher or Stewart because there’s nothing like them on the right, but the left’s whining is sad and unexpected. Kidding, SNL’s Doug and Wendy have nothing on libs.

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Worse than Carter?

When I worried Obama was going to be the new Jiminy Carter, it never occurred to me that it could be worse. With the help from—as Mikko calls him, Sith Lord Rahm—Obama is quickly morphing into Richard Millhouse Nixon II.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the White House. Dad um, Dad um, Dadumdadumdadum. Our Prez and his Chief of Staff are control freaks that make Nixon look like Gandhi.  Obama seized control of the American auto industry in the guise of “a much needed bailout to help working families.” We should have, let them ‘go Elvis’.  That is very hard for me to admit, because I am a fan of both companies, not to mention Elvis. If Obama had let them die naturally, he couldn’t force them to “go green” and build cars that nobody F-ing wants.  Although, never leaving the driveway is probably good for the environment.  Detroit’s little dark secret, besides Ted Nugent, is that the government listed the top sellers during the Cash For Clunkers in such a way to make the small cars come out as best sellers. But, if you don’t divide trucks and SUVs into 4 classes (2wd trucks, 4wd trucks, 2wd SUVs and 4wd SUVs), the leading sellers were all …wait for it…..wait for it….TRUCKS! 

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Ruperteiser Scrooge: A Post Christmas Carol Post

Ruperteiser Scrooge: A Post Christmas Carol Post

New York, NY—Upon hearing of yet another study supporting the notion Fox News is not journalism, the Supreme Being acted.   Many feel Fox has reached absurd levels of misinformation, and that they are a joke, a joke designed to strike Discord at the heart…  OK, this does sound like us, but hear us out. Regardless, the powers that be saw fit to send three journalistic ghosts to Rupert Murdoch’s mansion in an attempt to change the CEO of Fox’s evil ways.  Or at least that was the plan.

Neighbors report hearing the sound of chains dragging and clanging, and some haunting cries before the spectral form of Walter Cronkite came bolting from the residence like a banshee.

“He seemed very distraught,” said a neighbor, who witnessed the incident but asked to remain anonymous. “It wasn’t the usual “my life ended tragically” kind of thing.  This was more of an ‘it just happened, sheer terror egress’ kind of thing. I’ve never seen a ghost look so upset.”

The effectiveness of the visit remains in question at this hour, but Cronkite allegedly texted the Ghosts of Journalism Present and Journalism Future right after the episode.  The full text, though initially classified, was released on WikiLeaks:

OMG! Murdoch is f-ing nuts. Abort! Rendezvous at Olbermann’s place

XOXO

Whereas the majority of the text message is self explanatory, the XOXO remains disturbing to many who knew Cronkite personally and never suspected he was so touchy-feely.

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