Trump’s Inexplicable Rise Was Quite Explicable

This week David Corn over at Mother Jones wrote an article explaining the inexplicable rise of Donald Trump. I wrote a suspiciously similar article, prior to Trump’s emergence, last August. I find The Donald’s popularity with the republican base quite explicable. It’s not the similar image that irks me so much as the similar content. I saw this…

Gaffing Stock? Biden Suspends Campaign To Endorse Himself

Detroit, MI—Only hours after his big gains on Super Tuesday, Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail and announcing his plan to suspend his own presidential run for the purpose of endorsing himself. Biden told reporters, “Look, I’ll be the first to admit that my campaign got off to a self-inflicted shaky start and…

Russians Suggest Buttons for New World Currency

L’Aquila, IT – At the G8 summit on July 9th Russian President Dimity Medvedev unveiled his own vision of our new world currency.  He feels paper should be discontinued and our universal currency should be buttons from old clothing.  Buttons, according to Medvedev, would ensure an end to our global recession and would “symbolize the start of our global depression.”  The President believes we need to “stop fooling ourselves” and that we should start developing some realistic goals for our shared demise.  Medvedev also reportedly agrees with Mick Zano that bug ichor is an excellent source of protein.

A Spooked President Tried To Deploy 2,000 Troops To Contested Trump Properties On Halloween Night

Tweet Tower—In preparation for the “liberal tricks” associated with Halloween, President Trump floated the idea of signing an executive order declaring several of his properties in a Pre-State of Emergency. The order would have allowed the deployment of 2,000 military troops to cover The Donald’s real estate assets for any potential egging, toilet papering or…

Oscar the Grouch Gives Klugman’s Eulogy

Oscar the Grouch Gives Klugman’s Eulogy

Los Angeles, CA—Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street fame flipped open his garbage can and spent nearly 90-minutes blathering on about Jack Klugman’s prestigious and trash-filled career. The shabby green Muppet explained to the grievers how Klugman’s role on The Odd Couple had inspired him to live in abject squalor.

The Grouch then announced, “It was the best of grimes, it was the worst of grimes” before reciting several other quotes, including: wise is he who collects the refuse of others, and Mother died today, or was it Klugman? Then he blew his nose into a something that might have once been a handkerchief and sobbed, “There wouldn’t have been an Oscar the Grouch without an Oscar the Madison.”

Due to the length of his speech, fellow Sesame Streeter, The Count von Count, kept heckling things like, “One, two, three…three bad analogies, mwah, hah, hah!”

Klugman’s wife, Peggy Crosby, left muttering, “I know he’s having problems with Grundgetta, but if he shows up at my place with a frying pan, I’m going to brain him with it!”

The Grouch ended his outrageously long eulogy with a variation of the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. “When the garbage man comes by, I collect him,” said Oscar. “So when you think about garbage, think Dos Oscars and stay filthy, my friends.”

Scratch and sniff copies of the eulogy are now available for those with strong constitutions.

We Have Chosen The Form Of Our Destructor

  Tweet Tower—It’s hard to grasp the full descent of American politics in 2019, a time when watching certain news sources makes you less informed and listening to a SOTU address will make you a little less aware of our actual State of our Union. As for Russiagate, I knew annulment was a longshot and the last best hope…

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