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Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie

Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against “The Street’s” decision to define the roommates as “just friends without benefits.” 

“It was an executive decision that we were not a part of,” said Bert.  “And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!”

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions.  “They alluded to it,” said Bert.  “PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband.  We got the hint.”

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

“Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk,” said Ernie.  “Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse.”

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples. 

“At least we still have imminent domain rights,” said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky “for a good many years.”

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.

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Man To Dedicate Next Four Years To Correcting Pro-Trump Racist Graffiti

Cleveland, OH—Trump supporter, Benjamin Meanie, is angry with the quality of the graffiti turning up on the buildings and vehicles in his city. He vows to roam the streets correcting the spelling, grammar, and even the content of any and all pro-Trump vandalism. “I support all the bigotry and hatred, but I still long for a day…

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Sanders Hires Therapist To Treat Worsening Campaign Addiction

The Sanders Campaign realizes they’re mathematically toast, but Bernie is insisting his zombie campaign continues to stagger aimlessly around the country in search of more young brains. Sanders told reporters today, “Remember those walkers from the Walking Dead? This is nothing like that. It’s a terrible analogy.” Some of Bernie’s closest advisors are admitting he really…

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Is Climate Change Killing off Our Japanese Monsters?

Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs…

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Help! I’m Done With The Endless Dinner Conversations With Zero Republican Insight In Sight

My family doesn’t discuss politics anymore, which has become the new normal for many American households. A few conversations did skirt along the edge of relevance this yule time, which has become a bit of a holiday ho-ho no-no. This endless family ‘debate’ has spanned decades, resolves nothing, and invariably dances around anything resembling meaningful discourse. Sound familiar? Republicans certainly have the…

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Shock Poll: Most Americans Unable To Distinguish President Trump From Large Pile Of Excrement

Experts are baffled and yet can’t seem to do it either. Can you? (Visited 52 times, 1 visits today)

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