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Santa’s Sleigh Is Trackable And North Korea Knows It

The North Pole—Each year NORAD tracks Santa’s sleigh and gives constant updates on its exact GPS location. NORAD relays Santa’s real time whereabouts, his next stop, and how many gifts he’s already delivered to all the good little girls and boys across the globe. This year many in the intelligence community are concerned this might…

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Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors. The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather “a cycle of violence”, or in this case a cyclone of violence. “We lost electricity in my town,” said a local fisherman Richa Gavde. “That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!”

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Glenn Beck Is Fasting For Ted Cruz: Beck-Fast At Bigotries?

Prior to the Iowa Caucuses, Glenn Beck threw his support behind Ted Cruz and he has been campaigning for him ever since. The Beckster is now willing to fast until his choice for the Republican nomination wins super Tuesday, which Beck dearly hopes comes with cheesy fries. “I will be ready for cheesy fries by then,”…

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Tahrir Square “Flash Mob” Stunt Ends Poorly

Tahrir Square "Flash Mob" Stunt Ends Poorly

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived “flash mob” number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, “I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either.”

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, “As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes.”

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“Food Stamp Challenge” Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

Newark, NJJersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. “This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies,” said Bolden. “Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!”

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. “That is utterly ridiculous,” said Booker. “I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week…hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything…for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop.”

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The Pantsuit Prophecies: Hillary Hate & Her Scandals Deciphered

  How is a Trump Administration still a thing in November 2016? Extinction is fine, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing. Why are patriotic people so bent on our destruction? Some of you are saying, “It’s all of the Hillary scandals!” You are correct, you simply neglected to add the word ‘bullshit’ before the word…

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