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Hit By Economy Woes Disney to Lay Off Sneezy and Doc

According to Disney World officials, only five of the seven original dwarves will be returning to work this spring at Orlando’s Disney World. “Unfortunately, we just can’t afford to pay all of them anymore,” states Disney’s Chief Executive, Robert Iger. Iger claims to be in constant communication with Walt Disney’s head, cryogenically frozen at Citi-lab Orlando since 1966. “Walt agrees with the decision, whole headedly,” he joked. Iger refused to speculate on future cuts, but warned, “Grumpy better stay on his fucking Zoloft.” When asked about the tough decision, Iger stated, “Doc was a no-brainer. The kids won’t even miss him.” The decision to pick-axe Sneezy is less clear, however. According to key Disney insiders, Sneezy had an ongoing public relation issues, complicated by uncontrollable convulsive expulsions of mucus as well as financial problems. His out of control credit card debt was allegedly accrued at the Oriental Happy Ending Massage Parlor. Too often the sounds of Thai-ho, Thai-ho could be heard echoing along Orlando’s Orange Blossom Trail, amidst intermittent sounds of gesundheit.

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Mick Zano Felt “The Bern” At The Sanders’ Rally: Ointment Sold Separately

Flagstaff, AZ—The above image caused me some Facebook controversy. Not because The Discord already endorsed Hillary, which would make sense, but because I was seen fraternizing in Flagstaff with a flaming fanatical. Oh, the horror! Sorry if amidst the waning days of our democracy I want to hear a presidential candidate speak. I would love…

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ACA Exchanges Open: Obamalypse Now!!

The Former U.S.A.—Millions of Americans are now jobless, black people are inexplicably more empowered, and those last few gainfully employed real Americans are huddled around their television sets watching Fox News for updates and for strength.

“It’s horrible,” said John Q. Republican. “Hospitals are inundated with paying customers and at night our streets are filled with roving gangs of death panels. As the Affordable Care Act is implemented, doctors are blanketing our neighborhoods, armed to the teeth with endless pages of healthcare policies. Oh, but no dental coverage yet.”

Speaker John Boehner is outraged, “Anyone with a stethoscope can now enter your home without a warrant and decide who lives and who dies.  This not the America. It’s certainly not the America I hoped republicans would someday destroy.”

All medical records will also be sent to the White House for review. “I will have my socialist army march house by house, neighborhood by neighborhood,” warned Obama, “But don’t worry, I will only harass those who I deem to have unhealthy lifestyle habits. We need to weed out the clearly unhealthy, tax them until they die, and then double their death tax.”

The shutdown is costing us our treasure and our credibility, but has done nothing to slowdown Obamacare, um, because of something called it’s already happening.  Meanwhile, the brand new Department of Homeland Fitness is adding millions to their Unhealthy Watch List, which has implications for employment, taxes, and targeted internet spam.

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Climate Stability and Conservative Thought: What Are Two Things Not Happening

Mick Zano

News on climate change is reaching a fevered pitch. We are currently being flooded with information that both confirms and confounds the whole climate debate, pardon the pun. But let’s give Pope Francis some credit. Earlier this week His Holiness the Lib admitted climate change is primarily “man’s fault” and he’s hoping for serious measures to protect the planet at this year’s Paris conference. What next, Pope and Trade?

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Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:

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Palin Outraged About Something

Wasilla, AK — Governor Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath during an interview last week that she wanted to send a “strong signal” to the Obama Administration about his recent Special Olympics reference on the Tonight Show.

Governor Palin went on to say, “I resemble that remark!” and that the quote was a “tragedy to speds everywhere.”

When asked why she recently refused stimulus money for educating special needs children in her own state, she replied “I prefer those stimulus packages that go directly into those offshore accounts, for, you know, those CEO types who would vote for me. I find those Republican guys have the most stimulating packages.” 

When asked if she thought she was being a bit hypocritical, she replied “Hippowhatsas?  I’m not a doctor for Pete’s sake.”

Sarah Palin then winked, not because that was a joke, she didn’t realize the interview was not being videotaped.

Palin added, “I told you, America, you should have voted for me and Mr. Wrinkly!”

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