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Republicans Are From Mars, Liberals Are From Salinas

My blogvesary recently asked me, why can’t we just discuss the issues? He then implied that I’m not really good at it. There’s a good reason we can’t just do that. In fact, I’ve been trying to convey what’s happening and why for a very long time. If we have one party severed from our key issues, or credible media…

Trump Signs Law Officially Severing Last Ties Between His Political Party And Reality

Tweet Tower—President Donald J Trump has signed a bill officially separating the GOP from any and all connection to this reality. Many on the right are calling this move Earthxit. Republicans argue this will not change how they govern as they maintain they’ve been successfully ignoring reality since early 2002. Kellyanne Conway explains, “An alternate reality…

Calm Down, America! Much Like Anthony Weiner On Social Media These Caravans Tend To Peter Out

South of the Border—My friend and blogvesary has unknowingly been encouraged to weaponize the topic of immigration reform right before the midterms. He really thinks he’s coming up with this latest brainfart all by his lonesome, which is adorable. Yeah, let’s ignore the whole tyrant-minus-any-checks-&-balances thing so we may bring you the latest rightwing distraction,…

Putin’s Devastating Breakup Gift To Trump

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25th Amendment as a means to end ass-clown’s reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trump’s Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, “The…

Free Speech for Those who Can Afford It

The Supreme Court Jokers
Dave Atsals

If you think the last presidential election was swayed by advertising and the almighty dollar (I donated a five spot), just wait to see what the future holds.  America’s Court Jesters, aka the Supreme Court, recently made a ruling that will change the face of politics forever—and not in a Botox, cheek-tuck kind of way.  These Jesters sing for the King and Queen with coats they borrowed from James Dean.  The SCOTUS decision allows corporations limitless advertisements for their handpicked candidates.  The move was actually defended by the likes of Mitch (cognitive age decline) McConnell.  “Our Democracy, Inc. depends upon free speech®, not just for some but for all.”

Ghost Scooter Haunts Northern England

Ghost Scooter Haunts Northern England

West Yorkshire, ENG-To the delight of spoof news enthusiasts everywhere, the owner of the Segway Co. died in an accident involving a souped-up version of a Segway scooter.  On 9/26 an English bobby spotted the 62-year old exec, James Heselden, heading for a makeshift ramp along the River Wharfe.

“I did the whole stop or I’ll say stop again number,” said Police Constable, Nigel Higgins. “but the man seemed intent on jumping the river.”

After the body was pulled from the water, the police found Heselden clad in a skin-tight, spandex body suit sporting the colors of the Union Jack.

“The modifications to the scooter were extensive,” said Higgins. “He added some fuzzy dice, flaming decals, and even an 8-track player.”

Sources indicate Heselden was distraught because of his company’s inability to live up to its mission statement “a scooter in every pot.”  A number of locals have since reported strange occurrences in and around the area. A young couple witnessed a similarly clad gentleman making obscene gestures by the river’s edge.  Another man claims a phantom scooter “lurking in the shadows” followed him home.  And nearly a dozen others have reported hearing the haunting sound of a 50cc two stroke scooter engine puttering into the mists.

“Sometimes in their darkest hour people see what they most want to see,” said Higgins.  “Other times it’s just the usual PRAs (Pub Related Anomalies).”

Dear fans,

I am sorry the Daily Discord was unable to use the Segway piece as a proper segue into something funnier.  It would have done Mr. Heselden’s memory a great service.  Unfortunately, my staff is becoming increasingly incompetent.   No easy trick when one considers where they started.

Sincerely,

Pierce Xavier Winslow, CEO

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