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Man Who Foresaw Trump Victory Now Predicts Werewolves Dominant Species By 2024

Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as…

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State Dinner Menu Leaked? French Toast And French Fries For Macron Visit?

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is hosting French President Emmanuel Macron for a state dinner next week. The visit is in honor a 250 year friendship between France and the United States. The White House planned to keep the dinner menu secret, but the event details have already been leaked to the press. The leaker claims, “The Trump…

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World’s Entire Fossil Record Created by One Obsessive-Compulsive Hoaxter

World’s Entire Fossil Record Created by One Obsessive-Compulsive Hoaxter

Taos, NM—Creationists and other fundamental Christian types are getting the last laugh today as the Archeological Institute of America has announced the Earth’s fossil record is one colossal hoax.  Last week a discrete serial number was found on the femur of an Iguanodon that supposedly existed in the late Cretaceous period.  The ‘so called’ monster is currently housed at New York’s Museum of Natural History.   Similar numbers are now being discovered on all of the bones of every species before 6000 years ago.  This hoax spreads to all fossils in museums and personal collections throughout the globe.

“Once we knew where to look, we found them everywhere,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Creamery.  “A great many people spent their lifetime painstakingly unearthing such specimens.  It’s an outrage!”

On a good note there is some cause to celebrate.  This is proof a more Biblical view of geological time is accurate and that Darwin remains history’s biggest glue-sniffing monkey-humper to date.

“Evolution is dead,” said Phillip Johnson, evolution denier and closet cross dresser.  “It was obvious to us creationists. How can you not look around the world today and think ‘these people are evolving?’ It’s preposterous.”

Johnson went on to site Snookie, Snoop Dogg, and Snoopy the Dog. 

“This may have been more than one hoaxter,” said Dr. Hogbein.  “This was possibly a massive undertaking coordinated by a large group of very silly people. Obviously a race with an outrageous amount of free time on their hands as well.  How they buried some specimens in solid rock all over the planet is amazing.”

For their accomplishment they deserve our praise as well as our scorn.

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Trump’s Acknowledgement Of The Russia Probe’s One Year Anniversary Questioned

FBI Headquarters—In honor of the Russia investigation turning one year old this week, Donald Trump sent the Special Counsel a birthday cake. The cake arrived at FBI headquarters Attention: Robert Mueller with a short handwritten note from the president. Fine, it was a tweet someone transcribed. The event confused the House Intelligence chairman, Devin Nunes, who…

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Man Who Foresaw Trump Victory Now Predicts Werewolves Dominant Species By 2024

Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as…

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Fledgling Discord Freelancers Felled by Unfriendly Fusillade

Pierce Winslow shoots down another contributor

Philadelphia, PA – Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

“The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin’ me?” said Winslow. “We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you’re good, maybe you’ll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils.”

“Yeah, cash, what’s that?” stated Dave Atsals. “I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?”

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: “It’s for fame and glory purposes only.”

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

“Then he typically loses the file,” said Zano, “or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, ‘What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels’ and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking.”

“It’s better than how the process used to work,” added Atsals.

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