Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: “Which has worked out so well in the past,” explained Obama. “When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands….um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected.”

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like “great fun” and Vice President Joe Biden added, “What could possibly go wrong?”

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, “Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while.”

Moon—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, estimates Earth’s future moon base will consist of millions of registered Republicans. The former Speaker has sealed a deal with mogul Richard Branson to start his campaign plans along the lunar surface.

“My journey begins after the last delegates are tallied in Tampa, so I will have the jump on the 2040 nomination,” said Gingrich.

Gingrich has already foreseen many of the problems of this new colony. “As Pink Floyd tells us, there is a dark side to the moon so a wall must be constructed to segregate those seedier space types from the common decent hard working American colonists. This will surely become a key issue to the moon people of the future.”

Gingrich is working closely with NASA engineers on specs for the first interplanetary pipeline. “This ginormous structure will suck and send all of the moon’s resources back to the Koch Brothers…er, I mean Earth.”

Gingrich believes 52 delegates may be at stake in this ever important contest. “The moon will likely become a key battleground satellite and, once we terraform Mars, I will be the first politistronaut to greet these intrepid Americans and address their galactic needs.”

Gingrich is already concerned both the moon and the Martian financial systems will be tied too closely to the government. “We can not allow our solar system to become a Soros system. We must prepare now to win the hearts and minds of these brave new cosmic capitalists.”