On Five Year Anniversary of Katrina, Last Victims Led from Superdome

On 5 Year Anniversary of Katrina, Last Victims Led from Superdome

New Orleans, LA— Not one to leave a job half finished, President Obama completed what his predecessor could not in the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  The President, accompanied by an entourage of secret service, entered the Superdome on 8/29 and conducted a thorough search of the facility.  Approximately one hour later, Obama emerged with a shaky Jacob and Helena Jefferson on his arm.  Medical supplies food and water were handed to the couple, as they were ushered into awaiting ambulances. 

“This marks the end of Operation Deliver Agua,” said Obama, a mission that started five-years ago when the government attempted, but failed, to deliver food and water to the Superdome—the very place where they asked people to rendezvous after the storm.

When competence of the former administration was brought into question, Obama said, “This isn’t about blame.  Blame isn’t working anymore.  This is about…I don’t know what this is about, but it was a great photo op.”

Judge Roy Moore Calls “Foul” As Horse “Sassy” Denied Vote

  Sweet Home Alabama—Judge Roy Moore is claiming the recent special senatorial election was clearly rigged against horses. The former judge and presumed pedophile is pointing to widespread equine voter suppression as the culprit behind his recent loss to known liberal and Hillary-sympathizer, Doug Jones. Moore told the press today, “Sassy gets even sassier when her vote is being…

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul.  The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent “I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit” rally.  The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did.  It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

“It’s preposterous!” yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. “Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know.”

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

“It’s a reflecting pond!” shouted Winslow.  “It’s what reflecting ponds do!  I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way.  We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software.”

“How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret,” said Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  “Too many people would need to know.  Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!”

Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak

Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak

Antarctica—Shortly after the discovery of a new bacteria in an ancient lake buried miles in the ice, all contact was lost with the Vostok Research Facility. The Russian facility, located on the Antarctic ice sheet, had managed to drill through nearly two miles of sub glacial ice before inadvertently releasing an unknown bacteria into the air. It is described as a flesh eating bacteria, but those infected apparently do all the eating.

Russian President Vladimir Putin remains adamant this not a zombie outbreak. “Those exposed essentially die and are immediately resurrected with an insatiable craving to feed, but we have the situation contained,” said Putin, who is denying allegations he has turned the area into his own Wildlife Preserve and Zombie Hunting Range.

Russian officials also claim the last picture received from the facility (depicted above) was a bit of a false alarm. “The scientists were simply watching John Carpenter’s The Thing on Netflix,” said Putin. “In the image prior the scientists were drinking vodka and eating popcorn. But stay tuned as I will be sending back shirtless images of myself shooting zombies from my bobsled.”

In a rare form of journalistic clairvoyance, The Discord’s own Erisa Brahe already predicted such an outbreak at that precise location here. CEO Pierce Winslow said, “This is not the first time we’ve been out in front of the news. Although usually we’re behind the news, Deliverance style.”

Postcards From The Grassy Knoll

The republican descent into paranoia and madness has plagued me long before the arrival of this current scourge.  I started venting about rightwingers around the time of the Spanish flu, when Woodrow Wilson rather controversially referred to it as the Spic-ey Sick-ey. And, yes, that’s a joke making fun of racists, so you mindless cancelers…

Marijuana Linked to Losing Sponsors

A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.

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