Washington, DC – President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment.  Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from “blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas” to “hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford.”  None of the stories checked out, however.  Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.

When confronted by the press, Obama said, “Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash.  Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?”

Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington.  When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed.  When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference.

New York, NY—Rupert Murdoch is denying the possibility his troubles overseas will result in any fallout here in the U.S.   The tycoon’s handling of his News of the World scandal is under considerable scrutiny this week.  Sadly, any cover up is proving difficult as his closets are already brimming with skeletons and the last rain exposed hundreds of other corpses in his backyard.  As his British Empire buckles, Murdoch is now defending his prized possession, Fox News.

Murdoch told reporters, “We are too biased to fail.  Just imagine a hundred million people unsure about how to respond to current events?  You’ve heard of the opiate of the masses?  Well, Fox News talking points are the benzos of the bozos.” 

Murdoch said, even if it is decided Fox must go, a five year wean-period would be necessary before “his viewers could muster even the most rudimentary precursors of independent thought.”  Later in the interview, Murdoch warned, “If we go cold turkey, viewers could turn to something worse than Fox, something even more extreme.”

When asked what could possibly be more extreme than Fox News, Murdoch said, “That show Hoarders.  You know, about those people who horde shit in their house.   That’s pretty fucking extreme.”