News

The GOP And The Ongoing Misappropriation Of Reason

Posted: November 28, 2018

Liberals are continuing to make a profound mistake hoping for some republican reformation, a day when the Trumpsters of the world will turn some ideological corner toward reason. Even after the next line of political debacles, no matter how costly, their zenwrongness will hold steady. Essentially 1 in 3 people in this country are impervious to reality. Most citizens are ill-informed,…

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Discord’s Pierce Winslow Bids to Buy Phoenix Coyotes

Posted: December 28, 2010

Philadephia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is throwing his weight around again by trying to push out prospective owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, Matthew Hulsizer, by planning to purchase the NHL team out from under him.

When asked how he plans to finance the team, Winslow replied, “I’m using bailout funds…oh, um, I mean, I’m putting it on my credit card.”

When asked why the Coyotes, he said, “You can get Guinness on tap at Jobing.com. That’s about it. Who cares if there’s a hockey team there? Have you ever been to West Gate? Right outside of Glendale Arena there’s over 100 different beers on tap at the Yard House. The place is awesome!”

Winslow has only a few rules for his new team, the most controversial remains: the team is not permitted to take any points from the Detroit Red Wings, home or away. Also, Winslow will be playing right wing when he’s in town.

“I used to play ice hockey on the Phantoms here in Philadelphia. I was pretty good. Oh, and I played intramurals in college with Zano and Atsals. We made it to the finals one year—F-ing Lambda Chi’s.”

NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, denies any deal in the works with the eccentric e-zine owner.

“I don’t know any Pierce Winslow,” said Bettman. “If he is interested in the Coyotes he needs to go through the normal vetting process.”

Winslow told Bettman “Stop living in denial. As soon as I outbid Lemieux and Burkle on you, I’ll be a shoe-in. You’ll be my little bitch just like everyone else around here. Zano, make me a sandwich and FedEx it to me 2^nd day.”

He also warned Coyote coach, Dave Tippett, “The Coyotes are going to need to feed me the puck a lot or I’m benching someone’s ass. And where’s my &*^%ing sandwich!?!?!?”

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Dear Facebook Users

Posted: June 1, 2015

Greetings! My name is Mark Zuckerberg, chairman and CEO of Facebook, Inc. You may have noticed that your account has been blocked and you cannot log in. Don’t panic! The solution is quite simple. Recently, we here at Facebook decided that all accounts need to bear the full legal name of the user, not a…

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McMahon Replaces St. Peter! First Job: Heeeeeeere’s Michael!

Posted: July 4, 2009

Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.

“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah! It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.

He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.

“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”

God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off. In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.

“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”

God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.

“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches. The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.” Mays was not amused. McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”

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Trump Promises Change And Unity During Plagiarized, Divisive Inauguration Speech

Posted: January 20, 2017

Washington, DC—Donald J-dog Trump was sworn in Friday as the 45th president of the United States. During an inauguration speech that many are calling batty, shitty and even batshitty, Trump promised to always put America first. The newly sworn in president minced no words, except maybe the ones that came out of his mouth (cough). President Trump made it very clear, in garbled form,…

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Man Hastens Plastic Decomposition While Keeping Family Fed

Posted: November 11, 2008

The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget. The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags. Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage.

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

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