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Perpetually Wrong Gather To Mock Historic Iran Agreement

New York, NY—On the eve of the historic Iran nuclear agreement, a deal very few thought possible, our republican fiends were quick to gather in their Fox bunker to commence with Operation Ridicule. Don’t our 2nd Amendment rights demand we use them on Iran, right now? Think about it, Obama used sanctions, a computer virus and words to…

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San Francisco Reinstates the Guillotine for Proposition 8″ Voters

The mayor of San Francisco, with the full support of the City Council, voted today to pass a new ordinance allowing local police to publicly guillotine anyone who voted to ban same sex marriage in California. The new unit—designed to remove your unit— was created by renowned artist I. Juan DeCock and is affectionately named Proposition 8″.

“It’s much more than a machine,” said DeCock, “it really makes a statement. A similar machine designed for punishing women voters poses anatomical challenges,” states DeCock, “but our staff will work around the cock to find a solution.”

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Naked Woman Attacks Diners During Waffle House Rampage

This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger…

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Wife of Indian Man Struck And Killed by Meteorite Suing Asteroid Belt For Wrongful Death

Vellore, IN—Last week without warning or provocation a meteorite slammed into the Earth, killing one and injuring three. Rayja Sinhi told reporters today she plans to sue the entire asteroid belt for her husband’s death. “We must send a clear message to all radicalized space rocks,” said Mrs. Sinhi. “I won’t be satisfied until the…

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Al Qaeda Planning to Use Our Own National Birds Against Us!

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today Al Qaeda’s latest plot against the homeland.  The CIA has gathered intelligence that suggests a well conceived plan to fly our own eagles, kamikaze style, into several important American flags.  British Intelligence agencies also believe this is a credible threat.  Al Qaeda is casing over four hundred flag poles located in high profile locations scattered across the United States.  It’s a plan that President Obama describes as “truly heinous.”  Young and impressionable eagles are captured and trained in Al Qaeda terrorist camps within the U.S. They are then loaded with C-4 and trained to fly into pre-designated flag poles.

“The synchronized attacks are not meant to weaken our economy, as that would be cruel,” said President Obama.  “No, these attacks are meant to do far worse.  They are meant to strike at the very nationalistic fiber that runs through our collective conscience.”

When asked to explain that last teleprompted statement, Obama declined and instead discussed his new puppy, what’sis name. 

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Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?

Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is expounding his plans today, in hemorrhage and diarrhea filled detail, to “wipe out” ISIL. The U.S. military will begin to transport final-stage Ebola victims from Africa to the Middle East, en masse. These “volunteers” will then help the forces of good by plummeting thousands of feet before exploding and hopefully infecting the forces of evil.

President Obama told reporters today, “I am calling these brave warriors my Coalition of the Falling. You can’t destroy ISIL through any conventional military strategy. Certainly my shit-show of a predecessor taught us that much, but I have some pretty cool tricks up my sleeve. And sometimes these tricks involve dropping a steady stream of Ebola Infected Nigerians from planes like rocks, or E.I.N. Steins as I call them. Hah, hah. Sorry, it’s a German joke.”

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