Washington, DC – Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is becoming further embroiled in the Bush/Cheney torture controversy as allegations continue to surface regarding her knowledge of the previous administration’s tactics. President Obama is defending the Speaker of the House, claiming she could not have possibly known the importance of things told to her.
“After all, she’s an idiot,” explained Obama at a press conference earlier today. “Her competence is strongly in question.”
According to a memo released by the White House this week, Nancy Pelosi asked only three questions during her CIA briefing on enhanced interrogation techniques. Two questions involved the previous evening’s episode of American Idol and the third involved her predictions regarding the following week’s episode of American Idol.
President Obama then made the analogy: “You can’t blame Pelosi for torture; it would be like blaming Iraq for 9/11.”
After an awkward silence, Obama went on to explain how Pelosi’s only knowledge of torture is derived from the 1976 movie Marathon Man
“In Pelosi’s small and demented mind,” continued Obama, “no Sir Lawrence Olivier + no dental instruments = no torture.”
Sir Lawrence Olivier, quite dead, was unavailable for comment.
President Obama went on to say, “Look, you can’t expect someone to connect the dots with a broken pencil, no paper, and more air upstairs than one of those open double-decker buses.”
Dissatisfied with the explanation, our own Bald Tony asked two very pointed questions of the President: “If Pelosi is deemed too stupid for any accountability, isn’t this a slipper slope? Couldn’t the same argument then be made to protect Bush from any wrongdoing?”
President Obama dodged the slippery slope analogy by saying this: “Remember what Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy on the floor back in ‘04? Pretend I’m Dick Cheney and your Patrick Leahy. M-kay?”