11th Grader Insists He’s “Too Big to Fail”

Louisville, KY – Francis Melman, a junior at Liberty County High School, is challenging his school system with a rather novel defense.  Mr. Melman has a list of reasons why he flunked most of his classes at LCHS this year, but his main defense boils down to “I’m too big to fail.”

Melman told reporters, “To heck with Citigroup and AIG.  I could eat AIG for lunch.  It would probably taste better than the crap they serve around here.”

The student’s teacher, Mrs. Wrinkleman, believes his defense is “completely unfounded,” and, on an unrelated note, added, “I only had sex with him twice.”

According to Mrs. Wrinkleman, Francis Melman is an underachiever in other areas as well.  Melman denies allegations that his weight impacted his sexual performance, and claims the extra pounds may have actually helped.

Melman told reporters, “Not seeing that wrinkly ass was a huge bonus, not like an AIG bonus, but pretty big”.

Melman is planning to appeal the board’s decision that he get the hell out of the room, asshole.

“Sure I’m going to appeal,” said Melman. “Next time, I think I’m gonna come at it from Bush’s No Child Left Behind policy.  Heck, that child probably weighs less than my left behind.  Think of it this way: failing me is like flunking a whole class of hobbits”. 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.