Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

The Trump-Russia Collusion Narrative On The Brink

For today’s schitznik, Pokey and Zano discuss Andrew Sullivan’s and David Frum’s recent articles on Trump-Russia collusion: Frum’s Atlantic article summarizes the damning allegations as uncovered by the Senate Intelligence report, and Sullivan pushes back on his Weekly Dish by citing the mainstream media’s endless and fruitless march toward a conspiracy conviction.

Pokey: Sullivan’s article was the best article you’ve sent me in a long time, and I essentially agree with everything  …except for the misleading title. The term ‘hoax’ implies orchestration. Media Overkill, coordinated by the CIA, FBI, and the DOJ. I see little mention of the established coordination, but I do concede the facts of Trump’s deep character flaws and the very real Russian influence on his campaign. That’s a potent assessment, bridging gaps. I will acknowledge this—at this time I cannot imagine ever supporting the politics of Trump again. I’m proud of you, Zano. You are still capable of trans-consensus thought. You ain’t over the hill yet.

Blogging Legends Of The Fall

Dear Pokey, for our two decades long debates, we’ve spent a lot of time—all of it, actually—covering the rightwing alternative narratives, which, at least thus far, never panned out. They end, year after year, ‘scandal’ after ‘scandal’, special counsel after special counsel, judge after Dredd, minus any relevant findings. Certainly, at least 90% of what you’ve been on about from Uranium One, to Benghazi to Stop the Steal ended  …well, let’s just say, the primary ingredient turned out to be Foxal matter (Fecally Fortified Political Scat—an acronym that even makes its own farting sound). Why not start to question your news sources, or your own biases? What is your aversion to calling an Alex Jones an Alex Jones? Can we please finally discuss the elephant in the room? We are coming up on 20 years of blogging. Let’s look at some history.

[I’ll be Beck joke removed by a time-traveling California Governor.]

Biden Urges Dems Not To Start War On Christmas Until After Thanksgiving

Washington—In a fiery speech yesterday, President Biden made it clear that any premature attacks on Christmas during the upcoming holiday season would not be tolerated. “Be patient,” urged Biden, “At least wait until the Monday after Thanksgiving to start disrespecting our religious heritage and our country’s belief in Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, or any of Santa’s Merry Men. As the Sheriff on Nottingham once said, ‘Thou shallt not play holiday music in the department stores or display blinking lights before we eat turkey and watch football. We must first stuff our belly’s Friar-Tuck-style and then you can get back to consumerizing the meaning out of Christmas and/or mocking it outright.”

Chernobyl Plans To Lift All Distancing And Mask Restrictions

Pripyat, RU—The Chernobyl nuclear power plant, site of one of the worst nuclear accidents in history, has announced its intention to “get back into the gamma *cough* …the game.” In a recent interview with that Two Ferns guy, the #4 Reactor said, “We had a board meeting in March and thought, heck, with all the UFOs, pandemics, populism, and world strife, it’s probably time to climb back on that pale horse. Our facility is pretty safe these days, well, comparatively. We also finalized our new slogan: Chernobyl: Beats Detroit. We really wanted to reopen in 2020, but our project manager had a total meltdown. Ha, ha, ha, yeah, that one never gets old, but it does seem to have a half-life. So come on down and see our grand reopening! BYOB! …which means Bring Your Own Beta-radiation-detector. We are out.”

Stranded Suez Freighter Overloaded With All Those Returned Oxford, Commas

EgyptNow that the stranded container ship blocking the Suez canal has finally been freed, more disturbing details of the ship’s contents are surfacing. The freighter carried an unusually large number of returned Oxford commas. Whether or not this contributed to the disaster remains unclear. One chief editor said, “After the commas weren’t being used as much, well, the extra ones started stacking up a bit.” The controversy started when several grammar experts, perhaps most notably the AP-stylebook, encouraged a change in usage by suggesting the removal of the comma right before the last item of any list. The decision has since given many scholars pause.

To Meet GOP Halfway Biden Opens Child-Sex-Trafficking Ring In Pizza Parlor Basement

In true bipartisan fashion, President Biden has decided to fulfill at least one QAnon inspired prediction by opening a liberal run, child-sex-trafficking operation out of the basement of Pop’s Pizza in Clifton, NJ. The president hopes this political laurel-leaf will help republicans accept a wildly progressive agenda, not the least of which involves AOC just printing money willy nilly and handing it out to those most undeserving among us. Biden told reporters, “I want to extend universal healthcare to the whole universe, all on the backs of the American entrepreneur. I want it to include illegal aliens, those reptilians, the greys, and those green women Captain Kirk kept banging. Then I’m going to build solar panels on top of wind farms. And I will fund these green monstrosities by taxing the shit out of anyone not driving a Prius or a Tesla. Nuclear facilities will be turned into mall-sized dispensaries, and coal plants will be fumigated and converted into safe spaces for our LGBT communities. Then I’m going to shove Exxon so far up Shell’s ass they will both be thankful they’re petroleum producing companies. Then next week shit’s gonna get progressive.”

Biden Hits 1.5 Million Dose-A-Day Goal But Sole Recipient Has Died

Cedar Rapids, IA—Earlier today, Iowian native Betty Flood was ‘accidentally’ the recipient of 1.5 million doses of the Pfizer COVID vaccination. While some are calling this injecticide “politically motivated,” others believe this was an attempt by the Biden Administration to appear COVID-competent as they grapple with the logistics of this massive nationwide rollout. An eyewitness claims Mrs. Flood became concerned something was wrong during her five thousandth and twenty-first injection, at which time she was reminded by staff that she was “doing a great thing for America.” One nurse even said not to worry, because “the first million shots were covered under Obamacare.” Shortly before opting out of her health plan and then her life, she told the charge nurse, “Sorry to be a bother, but I was really holding out for Moderna.”

Facebook Jail! Please Send E-Cigarettes Via Paypal

Today, the Land of Social Media Censorship—which is also the worst theme park ever—has taken a turn for the worse. President Trump’s recent ban from Twitter on the way out has birther’d a slew of social media rules of engagement, or at least a new emphasis on enforcing terms and conditions of use.  As a result, a friend of mine is serving a 12-day Twitter jail sentence, while still another was relegated to 30-day stint behind enemy lines in fascist-controlled Zuckerberg. Both incidents were rather tame, unless schadenfreude is now a crime. My friend Dan’s comment involved wishing Mike Pence an untimely demise, not sure of the exact details, but Dan does tend to get rather colorful with his comments. It’s Okay, he’s British. To quote Douglas Adams, he’s mostly harmless. Meanwhile, another acquaintance abused social media by hoping Ted Cruz’s recent seditious antics landed him in some Texas jail in which, as karma would dictate, he’d eventually be “raped by a cactus.” Now I understand about specific threats, but I am not sure this is what anyone would consider actionable intelligence. Granted, there are a lot of indigenous cacti in the region in question, but then his intentions would need to be somehow relayed to a plant in the succulent family, who would then agree to carry out this heinous act. [The following ‘prison succulent’ joke was removed by WordPress.] In other words, there’s a very low percentage of pulling this off. Granted, if someone ever managed, Ted would be doing some pulling off of his own. On a side note, if he loses his job in the Senate, it would be a real shame if he wouldn’t qualify for Obamacare.

[‘Thornographic’ joke deemed insensitive to desert flora.]

Yuuge Comeback Planned From New Trump Basecamp In Guyana

Donaldtown, GY—Mark your calendars, folks, because next November former president Donald J. Trump will be taking his whole basket of deplorables on a magical mystery rally for even more bigly winning! Cult-45 is cordially inviting all of his key peeps to join him at a newly established city of gold, deep in the jungles of South America. The president is believed to have built something he calls a ‘metopia,’ because, as he told his new legal defense team, “There’s no you in you-topia.” He also added, “We have all the merch! MAGA hats, MAGA shirts, MAGA buttons, and all at MAGA discounts!!” When asked to clarify, he said, “Oh, yeah we changed my slogan to Make America Guyana Again. I’ve been trying to get the locals to start hauling blocks to build my Trumple, but so far they’re refusing to drink the—well, you know.”