Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”
As our Republic drifts ever closer to a full constitutional crisis, leave it to the deplorables to Activate form of Diversion. In a slew of recent ‘Opening Guanologues’, Sean Hannity has demanded that Congress “put an end to this Mueller witch hunt!” Really, Sir Liesalot? Fast and Incurious? Fox and Frauds are opting out of covering Ass-Clown’s demise and are instead shifting focus to the former Attorney General, Susan Rice (among other things). They would like her to hang for her ‘unmasking’ of some Trump campaigners on the lead up to the election. You may remember these unmasked Trumpsters as the same people currently perjurying themselves all over the White House carpets—the same people who were and are under an FBI investigation. So the Attorney General’s interest was not only warranted, but required. Full disclosure, I too am under an FBI investigation, but only because of my Nuke Sean Hannity website, which aims to reduce global fissile material, one Fox News anchor at a time.
[Click read more for the full scandal spoiler alert]
Tweet Tower—President Trump ordered the giant chicken parked near the White House to “stand down, or risk a tweet and profanity storm not seen on this planet since Monday.” The chicken appears to be unfazed by the president’s threats and continues to loom menacingly nearby. Secretary of Defense General James Mattis told the Discord, “This situation is contained, so there is no nuclear option on the table. I believe the president was referring to a microwavable chicken nugget and a picnic table.” General Mattis later added, “This President is not a chicken hawk, but I’ll admit his comments are rather half-baked, and you should really try to avoid that with chicken. Speaking of which, if you can get salmonella from a chicken, why can’t you get chicken pox from a salmon? That always bothered me.”
Rockville, MD—Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”
Lego Tower—President Trump and LEGO have joined forces to make American childhoods great again. Building enthusiasts of all ages will enjoy this new posh LEGO construction set. Rebuild what Trump built and feel the power and prestige of owning your own resort at Mar-a-Lego. Throw wild parties, drink a lot, gamble, play golf, grab female minifigures by the pussy (pussy accessory element sold separately). The Mar-a-Lego Resort is just the first of a series of Lego-Trump building sets. In 2018 LEGO plans to release the Trump Tower box set as well as the Trump Impeachment Hearings building set.
Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”
Phoenix, AZ—After Republicans failed again to pass their coveted Freedom from Healthcare Act, new revelations have surfaced suggesting liberal health-hackers have hijacked Senator John McCain’s brain. Several credible sources are claiming an implanted chip was discovered underneath the Senator’s recent surgery scar. The data on this chip is believed to have been uploaded directly into the Senator’s brain. The NYTs believes the content of the chip includes several Affordable Care Act infomercials as well as all six seasons of Glee. The recipient of this insidious technology would hear these messages playing out in an endless loop, subliminally and/or in Blu-Ray.
Tweet Tower—At the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”
Tweet Tower—President Trump brought on Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci last week to be the White House Communications Director. The Mooch immediately called his good friend, Joe the Plumber, to address all the leaks in the White House. President Trump told the Discord today, “Mooch is brilliant! The best Mooch! Not only is Joe already hard at work fixing those leaks, he’s also given me some good referrals for my broken cabinet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Scaramucci is yelling profanities at some people on the lawn. I keep telling him it’s just another tour group. Relax Anthony!”