Donald Trump’s legal peril continues to mount today as the former president stands accused of aiding and BigMac’ing the enemy, as well as other violations of the McHatch Act. A truck containing 400 Happy Meals was intercepted 3-miles from the Russian border in Kazakhstan and, according to officials, Donald Trump’s fingerprints are “literally everywhere.” After the closing of all 850 of their restaurants in Russia, the McDonald’s franchise told the press today, “We refuse to comment on any fast-food clown other than our own mascot.” Kazakhstani despot, Admiral General Aladeen, said, “We suspected The Donald for three reasons: one, someone poached all the Happy Meal toys. Who else would do that? Two, half of the French fries were eaten, beyond what any Grubhub driver would do here in beautiful Kazakhstan. And three, each bag contained a note saying, ‘I Iove you, Vlad. Don’t release the pee pee tape, buddy. P.S. We still have Helsinki!'”
New York, NY—After news broke of an MSNBC employee’s decision to join Ukrainian forces to fight Russian aggression, Fox News went into scramble mode. The minutes of yesterday’s executive meeting revealed a series of initiatives the Fox network floated to discredit, Malcolm Nance, the heroic foreign affairs analyst turned Ukraine freedom fighter. The Discord has procured a copy of these minutes, and the document reveals a frantic 24-hour period wherein Fox & Friends pursued several tactics to counter the news piece of a gutsy black liberal doing manly things. At first efforts were directed at inventing some trans-related gender scandal, after all, his name is Nance. They then explored Nance’s connection to an overdue library book in 1992, but it was decided that the majority of Fox News viewers would not find the story of a literate black person credible. To Fox’s credit, they dismissed the notion Nance was a type of cyborg transformer who actually doubled as Hunter Biden’s laptop. There are limits. Near the end of the meeting two primary strategies surfaced, either label the entire affair black-on-Black Russian violence, or somehow link Nance to the death of four Americans during the Benghazi embassy attacks. When all leads seemed a bit of a stretch, even by Fox News standards, an analyst from their Audience Engagement Department suddenly “volunteered” to fight for the Kremlin. The Fox employee is being deployed along with a Russian BGT battalion to the Donbas region of Ukraine sometime Thursday. The as yet unnamed rightwing counterpart released a statement that he does identify as a man and is in no way connected to the horrible atrocities that occurred in Benghazi under Hillay Clinton’s watch in 2012.
I just wanted to chime in on this comment, one that our former president had the temerity to utter outload yesterday, presumably on purpose. Putin has a ‘lot of love’ for making ‘his country larger.’ Hmmm. Trump is the grift that keeps on grifting, isn’t he? Germany called this need for some national space, lebensraum, and the notion factored into their involvement in both world wars. Nice segue to WWIII, don’t ya think? Germans today, and probably most of the rest of the free world outside of Fox News, would call Trump another German word for uttering that statement; sheisskopf comes to mind. And I, too, say that with a lot of love.
For today’s schitznik, Pokey and Zano discuss Andrew Sullivan’s and David Frum’s recent articles on Trump-Russia collusion: Frum’s Atlantic article summarizes the damning allegations as uncovered by the Senate Intelligence report, and Sullivan pushes back on his Weekly Dish by citing the mainstream media’s endless and fruitless march toward a conspiracy conviction.
Pokey: Sullivan’s article was the best article you’ve sent me in a long time, and I essentially agree with everything …except for the misleading title. The term ‘hoax’ implies orchestration. Media Overkill, coordinated by the CIA, FBI, and the DOJ. I see little mention of the established coordination, but I do concede the facts of Trump’s deep character flaws and the very real Russian influence on his campaign. That’s a potent assessment, bridging gaps. I will acknowledge this—at this time I cannot imagine ever supporting the politics of Trump again. I’m proud of you, Zano. You are still capable of trans-consensus thought. You ain’t over the hill yet.
Dear Pokey, for our two decades long debates, we’ve spent a lot of time—all of it, actually—covering the rightwing alternative narratives, which, at least thus far, never panned out. They end, year after year, ‘scandal’ after ‘scandal’, special counsel after special counsel, judge after Dredd, minus any relevant findings. Certainly, at least 90% of what you’ve been on about from Uranium One, to Benghazi to Stop the Steal ended …well, let’s just say, the primary ingredient turned out to be Foxal matter (Fecally Fortified Political Scat—an acronym that even makes its own farting sound). Why not start to question your news sources, or your own biases? What is your aversion to calling an Alex Jones an Alex Jones? Can we please finally discuss the elephant in the room? We are coming up on 20 years of blogging. Let’s look at some history.
[I’ll be Beck joke removed by a time-traveling California Governor.]
Washington—In a fiery speech yesterday, President Biden made it clear that any premature attacks on Christmas during the upcoming holiday season would not be tolerated. “Be patient,” urged Biden, “At least wait until the Monday after Thanksgiving to start disrespecting our religious heritage and our country’s belief in Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, or any of Santa’s Merry Men. As the Sheriff on Nottingham once said, ‘Thou shallt not play holiday music in the department stores or display blinking lights before we eat turkey and watch football. We must first stuff our belly’s Friar-Tuck-style and then you can get back to consumerizing the meaning out of Christmas and/or mocking it outright.”
Pripyat, RU—The Chernobyl nuclear power plant, site of one of the worst nuclear accidents in history, has announced its intention to “get back into the gamma *cough* …the game.” In a recent interview with that Two Ferns guy, the #4 Reactor said, “We had a board meeting in March and thought, heck, with all the UFOs, pandemics, populism, and world strife, it’s probably time to climb back on that pale horse. Our facility is pretty safe these days, well, comparatively. We also finalized our new slogan: Chernobyl: Beats Detroit. We really wanted to reopen in 2020, but our project manager had a total meltdown. Ha, ha, ha, yeah, that one never gets old, but it does seem to have a half-life. So come on down and see our grand reopening! BYOB! …which means Bring Your Own Beta-radiation-detector. We are out.”
Egypt—Now that the stranded container ship blocking the Suez canal has finally been freed, more disturbing details of the ship’s contents are surfacing. The freighter carried an unusually large number of returned Oxford commas. Whether or not this contributed to the disaster remains unclear. One chief editor said, “After the commas weren’t being used as much, well, the extra ones started stacking up a bit.” The controversy started when several grammar experts, perhaps most notably the AP-stylebook, encouraged a change in usage by suggesting the removal of the comma right before the last item of any list. The decision has since given many scholars pause.
In true bipartisan fashion, President Biden has decided to fulfill at least one QAnon inspired prediction by opening a liberal run, child-sex-trafficking operation out of the basement of Pop’s Pizza in Clifton, NJ. The president hopes this political laurel-leaf will help republicans accept a wildly progressive agenda, not the least of which involves AOC just printing money willy nilly and handing it out to those most undeserving among us. Biden told reporters, “I want to extend universal healthcare to the whole universe, all on the backs of the American entrepreneur. I want it to include illegal aliens, those reptilians, the greys, and those green women Captain Kirk kept banging. Then I’m going to build solar panels on top of wind farms. And I will fund these green monstrosities by taxing the shit out of anyone not driving a Prius or a Tesla. Nuclear facilities will be turned into mall-sized dispensaries, and coal plants will be fumigated and converted into safe spaces for our LGBT communities. Then I’m going to shove Exxon so far up Shell’s ass they will both be thankful they’re petroleum producing companies. Then next week shit’s gonna get progressive.”