New York, NY—Al Roker and company covered the 94th annual Macy’s Day Parade to mixed reviews. A trailer filled with children in cages was the first controversial float to roll down 34th street to the backdrop of the boarded-up Macy’s storefront. They were followed by the Rockettes packing the new RPG-7s that Trump is selling the Saudis to help with his Wag The War on Christmas. And, even though 34th Street is fairly level, things went straight downhill from there.
Washington—At the onset of Joe Biden’s victory speech, to the horror of onlookers, the president-elect suddenly tore his own face off revealing the visage of Hillary Clinton! The former Secretary of State cackled wildly before shouting, “I’ll get you, my deplorables, and your little Barr too!” She then vaulted a broomstick in a snazzy blue pantsuit and flew off into the night, presumably toward 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
My friend is still a little out of the loophole with regard to Trump’s ongoing crime spree, therefore, I must, as duty dictates, return to the trenches in an attempt to enlighten the floundering republican brain. And for this noble act you may call me a Bloghisattva. What? …too much? Here’s the thing, over on FB my friend asked me to name one thing that Trump did that can be considered a crime, which is tougher than it looks …to narrow down. He then pointed to the clear D crimes over the years, a list that included Bill Clinton’s speech wherein he charged Moscow his usually speaking engagement fees, Hillary’s missing emails, and Hunter Biden’s dubious paychecks from Keiv. I suppose in opposite world these are the worst things to have happened since Benghazi. While my friend is napping, what the rest of us have learned is twofold: first off, those of a certain tax bracket seem above the law entirely, especially with regard to the tax code. Second, there’s also a significant executive cushion that is further protecting our commander and chief from legal consequences. By using these two additional safety nets a con-man has exposed our country for the banana republic that it has become. So let’s just list the clear crimes, mainly because I have to make an appearance at work sometime next week.
Tweet Tower—President Trump assured the country today that his rambly and often inappropriate executive tweets will continue, regardless of his condition. POTUS, along with several of his key aides, has successfully created a series of tweets ahead of time. These will be posted at random intervals should the president become incapacitated by his present illness. Vice President Mike Pence said, “Some of these tweets were created ahead of time by the president himself, but in an algorithm fashion so he can continue to comment regardless of who won the big match, or even the outcome of my upcoming vice presidential debate with Kamala Harris. There’s also a Halloween tweet that pokes fun at a Hillary Clinton mask, ha ha ha #LockHerUp. And, of course, there are some more Sleepy Joe tweets, and who could resist a few Pocahontas quips? Not this president. Even more exciting, new Twitter technologies made possible the creation of a Trump Tweet Generator that pieces together a hodgepodge of insults and capitalized words from existing tweets. These contain all the exclamation points, giant caps, and grammar mistakes that you’ve come to expect from this president. In this way, he can continue to tweet important messages directly to his follower for many years to come, regardless of his recovery or his condition #PostedDeadOrAlive.”
Shortly into the first presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, it became painfully clear the president had words scrawled across his right hand. Has the president taken a page from Sarah Palin’s similar hijinx in 2008? Is this more of her handiwork, pardon the pun? Palin was believed to have cheated herself in a similar manner during her own Vice Presidential debate back in 2008 …with the same person. I don’t believe in coincidences and neither does anyone in my family, which might just be a coincidence. Palin is denying claims she coached the president to use crib notes in tonight’s debate and is downplaying the timing of her odd challenge to primary Senator Lisa Murkowski in Alaska. Was this an intentional red herring? Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “This is a new low for Trump. Kidding. We would need digging equipment that has yet to be invented for that. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) added, “In Trump’s defense, the five words scrawled on his hands were all spelled correctly. He must have had help #Grammerly.”
Tweet Tower—The Head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, Head HUDder Ben Carson told reporters today, “HUD vows to protect the president’s home and avoid any premature executiviction. No one wants to see the president homeless. We’re calling this initiative our POTUS Eviction Prevention Program. It’s not just the president, his entire extended family uses this place like a cheap motel. Could you imagine if Eric and Don Jr. were left to their own devices? They’re simply not ready. The entire Trump clan must remain on that property, perhaps indefinitely. So we at HUD are doing our part by extending our moratorium on all real estate removals from the White House until 2028. We’re already colluding with Russia on this one as part of Operation Stay Putin.”
Tweet Tower—The President is pleased to announce the next round of stimulus checks have passed Congress and most Americans are eligible for this phase of the pandemic bailouts. However, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin warned the press today the latest stimulus package comes with some set stipulations. “Anyone receiving the funds must do one of three things,” said Mnuchin. “You can either turn the check into smaller amounts through a number of legal transactions, cover up the money via creative bookkeeping, or turn the check in for chips at any participating casino or Trump property.”
Tweet Tower—The Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the US Postal Service unveiled their plot to both suppress voting in key districts as well as to regain control of our city streets from liberal mobs. Over one hundred thousand confiscated postal boxes have thus far been refitted as weaponized peacekeepers and deployed to liberal cities currently protesting Black Lives Matter. The White House has dubbed this Operation Going Postal and the president is calling it “win win.” In an executive tweet, the president said, “These same postal boxes that lazy people use to vote, and they’re very lazy people, can now disperse those same liberals on those long lines at the polling stations in November.” The president claims to have gotten the idea from an old Dr. Who rerun. Trump said, “I was watching this show and thought to myself, I don’t like the Who, or any doctor at the Who, but I do like those crazy little things trying to kill him. And that’s when it hit me.”
Nutley, NJ—Beloved Planters’ mascot, Mr. Peanut, is wanted at this hour after a wild rampage through downtown Nutley injured a number of maskless anti-peanut protestors. Investigators now fear that Mr. Peanut did not act alone and the intelligence community is exploring the existence of a number of ‘Planter Cells’ waiting to be spread across the country’s breadbasket. In an executive tweet, the president condemned the attack, “Peanuts could already be in our pantries, our cafeterias, and even in those little bowls at our local bars. But DON”T PANIC!! We’ll arrest them in a Jif! #SkippyTownNutjob.” One witness told The Discord, “They’ve always been nuts, so why didn’t anyone see this coming?”
[‘Stop pulling my legume’ joke removed by the editor.]
Nal Hutta—President Trump is very close to striking a deal with the Hutts that will help keep millions of school-age children safely stored in Carbonite units until the current pandemic has ended. The president believes Hutts Storage, Inc represents “a great way to get the economy going again while keeping those namby-pamby liberals happy.” The Hutts, a shell-less species of giant gastropod, are longtime friends of the Trump family. The president told reporters, “They’re good people. Back in the days of the Old Republic, my great grandfather used to smuggle spice with the Hutt Cartel. We can learn a lot about how to handle protestors from what happens to them in Hutt-controlled space. I would like to see ANTIFA try to take down a statue of Jabba. No really, they’re yuuuge and heavy!! You’ll break your back! And for the few of you who still have insurance, that’s a preexisting condition #MedicalBankruptcy.”