Tweet Tower—The president’s new acting-acting head of All Things Science and the Dark Arts has denied NASA’s request for funding toward a future mission to the red planet. Henry ‘Henry’ Jackson told reports today, “Unless you want to eat Matt Damon-style shit potatoes, there’s no reason to go all the way out to that shithole planet. Real estate markets suck there right now. We need to find planets that have oil, gold, coal, or at least a species we can attempt to police through aimless bullying. Think asteroids of gold, or planets of diamonds, or maybe a moon inhabited by those sex-crazed green chicks from Star Trek. Otherwise this president isn’t giving you shit …potatoes.”
New York, NY—My Best Friend’s Girl is in custody at this hour after the passing of pop legend Ric Ocasek. The prime suspect in the death of the Cars lead singer, Candy O., told reporters today, “I’m Not The One. You Might Think I’m Crazy, but I’m not a Dangerous Type.” She then added, “It’s All Mixed Up and it has been Touch and Go, so I’m going for a Drive, because It’s All I Can Do.”
A rash of mysterious respiratory illnesses linked to vaping has reached 33 states. The CDC is calling the outbreak a viral vaping virus, or VVV, which is an airborne flavored disease that causes severe lungular malfunction, or what medical professionals call something else. One e-cigarette executive is speaking out, “A lot of these deaths are young people. We don’t want to get people hooked on our product and kill them before they have a really good jobs. I mean, come on, who wants that?! Besides, think of the millions of people who haven’t croaked right away after using our products. So, let’s all just breathe a little easier and… uh, can you edit that last part out?”
Tweet Tower—The mystery surrounding the firing/resignation of John Bolton has taken another twist today as eyewitnesses report the former National Security Adviser’s mustache was escorted from White House grounds hours before his tenor officially ended. Bolton is denying that the president ripped the clump of hair off his face during a heated argument, but The Daily Discord has three separate sources from last night’s poker game claiming otherwise. Those close to Mr. Bolton report the two have since been reunited and the striking grey patch is once again situated between his nose and his mouth.
Tweet Tower—President Trump signed an executive order today demanding that Dorian, a self-described category 1 hurricane, immediately change course and head back toward the great state of Alabama. Senior aides claim the president is not happy with the storms failure to follow his own stream of consciousness and nonsensical meteorological projections. The president also believes he received “some bad information” from the Sharpie involved in the incident. Reports suggest the item was escorted off of White House grounds earlier today, in someone’s pocket.
Tweet Tower—Long time leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has died today in Singapore at the age of 95. In a surprise move, President Trump has granted this notorious dictator an honor granted to few others. The body of the man who seized Zimbabwe’s budding independence and stomped it out before bankrupting his nation outright will become the 32nd person to Lie in State at the Capitol Rotunda. When asked about the controversial decision, the president said, “I feel strangely connected to this guy. I mean, I usually prefer white strongmen, but we’re supposed to be a more inclusive party, right? Besides, I really wanted to change the subject from Sharpie-gate. And by the way, it was windy in Alabama the other day. I talk to people, you know #ReallyWindy.”
Shortly after exchanging wedding vows with actor Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick ran around the venue announcing, “I won, I won the game Six Degrees to Bacon, because I’m like one degree now! …and a half! …but half in a good way. Like golf …or the opposite of golf.” Whereas many on hand for the festivities were congratulatory of the shrewd move, critics claim the game actually ended during the spring of 1997, and still others argue she should have gone with her first choice, Mickey Rourke.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s personal think tank, The Booking Institute, a research group spawned around a craps table in the 80s at the Taj, is filing Chapter 11. The covfefe’d organization, which Trump himself describes as, “an ‘Murican bigly thinkarama!!”, is now officially cognitively and neuronically bankrupt. The nail in the organization’s preverbal coffin was not, as some have assumed, the group’s inability to actually think but rather their failure to screw nearly as many people out of their lunch money as projected. The Simpson’s Nelson added a “HA, ha!” before administering a swirly.
Norman, OK—A legal representative of Johnson & Johnson defended the pharmaceutical company’s role in the nation’s current opioid crisis by pulling a fentanyl patch from his pocket and stuffing it into his mouth. As gasps rifled through the courtroom, attorney Benjamin Crass spoke while bits of a gel-like substance oozed from a corner of his mouth, “See? Our opioid products are not dangerous, even the really strong ones like Fentanyl. You can spread this stuff on your morning bagel. Move over Philadelphia, right? I usually gnaw on these puppies with a little Cholula sauce, but it pairs well with a number of popular condiments.”
A Discord poll found an astounding 52% of those questioned would prefer to be abducted by extraterrestrials than endure four more years of a Donald Trump presidency. This staggering number remained almost as high when participants were reminded of the whole anal-probe thing (APT). The poll comes with a margin of error plus or minus 95% as Alex Bone was wrongly provided a corporate credit card during the Tucson survey, which took place at a brewpub during happy hour. Charges pending.