X-Mansion—The stock market was a real roller coaster this week, but the latest drop in the Dow came at the clawed hands of Marvel great, Stan Lee. Lee created such comic book legends as Spiderman and the X-Men, and news of the 95-year-old’s death sent the price of adamantium, the indestructible metal alloy that fortifies the X-Men, dropping like a mutant at a Trump rally.
Key Least, FL—The effects of climate change is set to the dash the hopes and dreams of one intrepid man and the small island community who shares his vision. Stanley Dorkmeyer, a huge fan of the Star Wars franchise, is bent on crafting his homeland into the same specifications as Han Solo’s ship, the Millennium Falcon. Dorkmeyer conceived of the original concept in 1977, shortly after the release of the original Star Wars film. If more damaging storms, coastal flooding and mass extinctions do not resonate with you, hopefully the plight of this small island will move you to climate action. Dorkmeyer, now 57, is still living on the island in his parent’s basement.
Washington, DC—Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is currently recovering from three broken ribs at George Washington University Hospital, but exactly how she sustained those injuries remains in question. Initially Justice Ginsburg stated she, “Fell down on the job”, literally, but rumors began circulating how she was only attempting to make a faulty workman’s comp claim. Later, while on copious amounts of pain medications, she told reporters her injuries were the aftermath of an extreme bar fight at the Velvet Lounge. Patrons claim Ginsburg entered the Columbia Heights dive bar in a foul mood, reeking of gin and regret. She was complaining about a new coworker, who she described as a douchy chauvinistic pig to anyone who would listen. After exchanging some harsh words with a leather-clad biker, Ginsburg raised a beer bottle and smashed it over the biker’s head. This started a bit of a fracas that ended with several injuries, significant property damage—that no one will probably notice—and a screenplay.
This annoying thing happened online last week. Before I could even answer someone in comment-thread-land, this fella was labeled a troll and banned from the group. Now this was a Facebook group for folks who want to vent about Republicans, so I get it, but let’s never be afraid to counter Republican ignorance with facts wherever and whenever their bullshit surfaces. I realize we will never win hearts and minds, because having them is a prerequisite, but we can’t always retreat to our safe space and our hate spaces. GAB.com’s relationship to the synagogue shooter is the latest example of a weaponized social media forum. I realize there are no easy answers here, because who wants to keep debating delusion (see: my lifework)? So this man/troll/banished fella countered one of my Discord articles with a long list of Trump’s “accomplishments” (not the one above with the added poop emojis). He pasted a much larger pile of Foxal-matter onto that comment thread. Let’s take a look at these gems.
1. Because he wants them to (vampires suffer from Oppositional Undeadfiance Disorder).
2. You need at least a 100 IQ to be turned, no exceptions (well, except Tom Cruise and Robert Pattinson). Vampires, as a rule, won’t turn children (so Trump’s 0 for 2).
3. No creature preternatural or otherwise would want to listen to Trump for multiple lifespans. Talk about term limits…
Miami, FL—56-year-old Cesar Sayoc was arrested yesterday in connection with the string of suspicious packages mailed to prominent democrats across the country. Details of the man’s trip to the 5th precinct are now emerging and it appears he was allowed to stop by the post office to cast his vote before being processed. An unnamed law enforcement official claims the man was also allowed to contact his lawyer, Vladmir Putin, Julian Assange, National Security Adviser John Bolton, as well as the fictional Bond villian Ernst Blowfeld.
Sierra Vista, AZ—A large caravan of immigration hopefuls is indeed tearing through Mexico in a direct line to the U.S.’s southern border at this hour. In an effort to turn Arizona blue, democrats in congress are proposing a plan to harness this untapped voting demographic. They hope to have taxpayer money earmarked for a makeshift bridge-tunnel system that will funnel this large group of soon-to-be illegal immigrants directly into key swing districts.
Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.
Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.
Riyadh, SAU—Secretary of State Mike Pompeo asked the world to give Saudi Arabia “just a little more time to hide the body *cough* I mean, find the missing Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Look, I don’t want to talk about any of the facts. They didn’t want to either, because wow that would be awkward.” During the visit, after all the niceties and finger foods (pardon the pun), shit got real. Prince Mohammed bin Salman allegedly handed gloves and bleach to a stunned Pompeo. The above picture is believed to be the last one taken, before our Secretary of State was dispatched to the Saudi consulate in Istanbul for some “light housework and dusting.”