Washington, DC—Last night, the rotting corpses of several deceased U.S. presidents reanimated themselves in an attempt to stabilize the economy from beyond the grave and “to put an end to this Pirate Bay thing.”
However, what was intended as a unified front quickly broke down into chaos as the undead ran amok through the Capitol. The only one present at this morning’s press conference was zombie Richard Nixon, who had this to say:
“So once again, I’m the only schmuck with any God damned sense of responsibility around here, eh? Jesus Christ, this was a bad idea. What a bunch of slugs … huh? Where are they? Let’s see, zombie Gerald Ford almost made it, but he knocked out half his teeth attacking the Lincoln Memorial statue, then the Eternal Flame caught his pants on fire and he fell into the Potomac. They’re trolling for the dumb bastard right now. He may still show up.
“Zombie Ronnie only wants to feed on prepubescent boys … I have no idea, ask him. Apparently they’re quite tasty. I didn’t think it was possible, but that old cocksucker’s even more senile dead than alive. He was last spotted at a schoolyard in Baltimore, sitting on the ground slurping up some little kid’s brains with a spoon and yelling: “ME LIKEE NUM NUMS! MORE KETCHUP, MOMMY!” No worse than Reaganomics, I suppose.
“Who else? Well, zombie LBJ refuses to leave Texas, so maybe we can set up a remote broadcast … how the God damn hell should I know? What do I look like, his agent? I swear, you press bozos get worse every year. It’s like a loser’s convention in here … hey, same to you buddy, alright? My flesh is falling off in clumps and I’m going to worry about bad publicity? PPPPHT. Blow it out your ass, Nancy boy. I’m dead, what the fuck do I care?
“Anyway, zombie Ike … whoa doggie, guy should have stayed underground, know what I mean? Whee-oo! I swabbed out latrines in the Navy that smelled better than that poor son of a bitch. Don’t worry, the old coot’s harmless. And anything that moves slow enough for him to catch deserves to perish.
“Where’s zombie JFK? He has a headache … hey, don’t ‘Boo’ me, you assholes! That’s no joke, he actually … what? He was seen where? Are you sure it was him? OK, you got me. He doesn’t really have a headache, he’s out on a pussy hunt. I don’t know how he does it. Motherfucker has a third of his skull missing and he still gets more ass than a toilet seat. Sorry Jacko, I tried to cover for you, bud.
“See, the plan was for us to eat only the brains of smart people and then put our heads together, so to speak. Buuuut, it looks like we really screwed the pooch this time. Down the ol’ crapperoo. I guess the next stage is to start reanimating vice-presidents. Lord help us all.”
When asked to comment, zombie Jimmy Carter said, “Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, what the hell am I doin’ here? I ain’t even dead yet! Am I? Roslynn, get the thermometer!”