Cameron, LA—Hurricane Harvey is back in the news today and stirring up trouble along the Gulf Coast of the United States. The state of Louisiana is attempting to reassure its residence the storm will be court-ordered to stay at least a 1,000 feet away from land. When asked about the return of the tropical depression, Cameron resident Pam Hearse said, “I don’t care if he is depressed, this is no way to act. Oh, and I hate it when a guy cries during a breakup. But this guy, holy shit?! We’re going to need an ark and two of every swamp critter.”

The Discord’s own Dr. Jamie Leigh, added, “This now constitutes a clear pattern of abuse. We have property damage, rough physical contact, as well as a threat of ongoing violence. Harvey needs to leave landfall immediately and should stay away from any and all areas of the Gulf Coast. The American Psychological Association has reached out to the National Weather Service to coordinate efforts and we are expecting the full cooperation of President Ass-Clown Hitler.”

As for the progress on the restraining order, Cameron County Court clerk explained, “Even if Judge Peters approves this restraining order, it will only be valid in the state of Louisiana. If you want to include Texas you’re going to have to fill out section B of the A45 form. Also, if Harvey stays a 1,000 feet off shore that’s not going to protect from the resulting storm surge. Existing statutes are not really designed for this kind of abuse.”

Texas Senator Ted Cruz just informed the Discord his state will be proceeding with a restraining order and they have retained this Springfield man as their legal counsel: